Sunday, May 21, 2006

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired April 15)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

3:00 – Jack says that when we are raptured our bodies are changed to look like Jesus’. Men and women alike, which, kind of sucks. How good can heaven be if everyone looks like a bearded carpenter? What about sex? Isn’t there sex in heaven? I guess not, because, everyone knows that gay sex is sinful and there’s no room for that in heaven. This leaves a bunch of Jesus clones sitting around heaven... doing what? Probably nothign fun. I bet Satan would make all the women look like Jessica Alba if you asked nicely.

5:00 - Jack jokes about needing a head transplant. That’s no joke Jack, that's the TRUTH!

10:00 -Apparently there are some catholic ‘truth squads’ who are exposing the lies of the DaVinci Code. One of the lies is that Jesus as a boy pushed a kid off the roof killing him, and then brought him back to life (because he’s the son of God he has powers like that). I don't know if that's true, but that’s what I’d do I had the ability to bring people back to life. Actually, that would be a pretty cool power. If there was a long line at Costco or Walmart, I’d just kill everyone in the line, pay for my stuff, then bring them all back. Or just leave them there, whatever.

13:48 - GLOBAL HEADLINES!! Yay!! Rexella ponders the fairness of there being more billionaires now, while there are still starving children. I guess she hasn't heard of ‘survival of the fittest'. If life were supposed to be fair, God would have made it fair. Anyways, Jack doesn’t care about the starving children, he’s excited that it’s a sign! Rexella then asks, "Should business execs meet at strip clubs??" Surprisingly enough, the answer is 'no', but then Jack explains that these people who lust after strippers etc. won’t make it into the kingdom of heaven (1st Corinthians 6 v9-11). Well, if the kingdom of heaven is anything like he described earlier (ie. it's full of Jesus clones), maybe it's not the place for people who enjoy strip clubs (ie. everyone).

19:42 – Now, this is important. How do we know that the revived Roman Empire is the EU, which is the final world government? Well, what did the Romans use for a numbering system? Roman numerals!! (funny how that worked out) What are the values for Roman numerals? I = 1, V = 5, X = 10, L=50, C=100 and D=500. Ok people, are you ready for this?? ADD THEM TOGETHER!! That’s right, you get 666, which is the mark of the beast, or anti-christ, and well, I don’t remember exactly what the point was, but I think it had to do with Jesus, or God.
ALSO, if you number our alphabet using multiples of 6, for example, A=6, B=12, C=18 etc. and you spell out "COMPUTER", it equals 666. A COMPUTER is evil. COMPUTERS plural is fine. Also, if you spell out MARK OF THE BEAST, you don't get 666, you get 846, BUT, if you spell out MARK OF BEAST you get 666. Sometimes you have to fudge the numbers to put the fear of God into people. If you try, "I LIKE HAVING SEX WITH BARNYARD ANIMALS" it equals 1914, which isn't 666, so knock yourselves out you sick perverted bastards.

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