Monday, August 14, 2006

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!!! (aired July 22)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella appreciates the letters they get from fans. She especially likes the pictures of animals. Look! There’s a cute dog watching Jack on the tv. Dogs eat their own shit though, so I'm not sure of the point.

3 - 6:40 - Ok, here’s a long story, but I’ll try to condense it for you. Jack wanted to reach out to more people, so he decided that late night tv was the way to go. Who better to invite into heaven than the alcoholics and drug addicts who surely watch tv between 1 and 6 am? Anyways, Satan didn’t want Jack to expand his ministry, so he gave him cancer. THEN, after the cancer was “cured” he developed sepsis, which apparently kills you in 3 hours. To make a long story short, he didn’t die. Finally, Jack had really bad knee problems (undoubtedly from chronic over-genuflection) which prompted the need for a double knee replacement! Jack’s new chromium/cobalt knees will last him for the next 30 years he boasts. He had to learn to walk again even! What’s the moral of this story? Something about overcoming obstacles and survival through faith? Nope, it’s that God is a jerk for giving you cancer and putting you through hell, then, giving you sepsis and almost killing you, then, just for kicks, he takes out the knees. THEN, Jack is indirectly saying that the chromium knees are better than his God given knees, which surprises me, as usually stuff like that is Satan’s doing. Oh yeah, unless it benefits Jack, then it’s a miracle from God.

24:05 – Warren Buffett gave 37 billion dollars to charity and then said that it’s a great way to get to heaven. Well, according to Jack, it’s NOT a great way to get to heaven. Actually, if Jack has taught me anything, it’s that it’s a lot easier to get into heaven than donating 37 billion dollars. I say, blow that 37 billion on high priced call girls and booze, THEN, when all the fun is done, say a couple prayers and apologize. You really can’t lose. In all seriousness though, if The DaVinci Code is accurate and Jesus was a 'normal' man with a wife and kids, then I'm sure 37 billion dollars is more than enough to get you into heaven.

27:40 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! It’s called “Daniel: Final End Times - Mysteries Unsealed”. Apparently it’s $120 value for $49.99!! Rexella states that it’s a ‘must for every library interested in prophesy' (ie. Good luck finding this in any library.)

31:00 – Hey, they forgot to turn off the VCR. It’s the same VCR that I have, I think it’s a SONY.

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