Sunday, August 06, 2006

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 8)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella talks about Superman’s return. What does Superman have to do with anything?? Well, I think he’s implying that Jesus is/was some sort of Superman, and that he’s about to return. I’m not sure I agree with that though, Superman was faster than a speeding bullet and could leap tall buildings in a single bound. Jesus wasn't even faster than the Romans, and he obviously couldn't leap over them either.

4:00 – Jack discusses the big GM buyout. 47000 workers were paid to leave. Why? Well, Jack lays the blame solely on YOU. Because you didn't buy a GM car. That and because they were making too much money, but, ultimately, it's your fault.

8:00 - Jack asks if a thief can get into heaven. Well, the answer is “yes”, provided that the thief repents and gives his heart to Jesus. Jack then gets upset about terrorism and murder and says that there is (or was, I’m a little confused) chaos in New Orleans, so much so that they had to call in the troops!! I have a question, since when did American troops prevent murder and killing? Anyways, Jack says that no murderer can enter the kingdom of heaven. Jesus says in Matthew 23 v33 “How shalt you escape the damnation of hell?” Well, I think I can answer that question. Just repent (or pretend to repent, you’ll be forgiven). Jack should listen to his own advice. Basically, it doesn’t matter how much you kill or steal, as long as you apologize before you die.

Wait a minute! Rexella just said, “Good to know, Jack, that we can be forgiven for cheating, too right?” Jack wasn’t talking about cheating, and why would she need THAT clarified? Interesting....

13:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! It’s called “Daniel: Final End Times - Mysteries Unsealed”. Apparently it’s a $120 value for $49.99!! The only way I can imagine that it’s actually worth $120 is if there is about $119.50 in one of the DVD cases. Anyways, Jack says, “Imagine, you can know every verse in all of the 12 chapters (of Daniel)” I have a cheaper way to know what Daniel has to say, maybe pick up a bible and read it.

15:00 – Oooh, the earth is getting hotter! It’s that damn global warming. Jack says that it’s a sign that Jesus is coming, I say it’s a sign that need air conditioning.

20:00 – Jack agrees with Stephen Hawking when he says that the only hope for the world is to start colonizing space. He says that because of the pestilences, the tsunamis, the earthquakes and world wars, we’re going to have to start putting cities in space. He’s an idiot though, because, you might not have tsunamis in space, you have other stuff, like asteroids, and, oh, here’s a good one, NO AIR.

Idiot.

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