Friday, October 19, 2007

Join Millions Across the Globe! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired October 3)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

00:20 – Apparently the Emmys were a ‘moral disappointment’. I think I have to agree here. Didn’t “Dick in a Box” win an Emmy? How many times do I have to say it?? Dicks don't belong in boxes! They belong neatly tucked into one's pants or shorts.

1:00 – Rexella reminds us (for those of you who don’t watch regularly) that they have a cat named “Finnicka”. She then pulls up an article about a cat named Oscar who can predict when nursing home patients are going to die. Anyways, Jack basically says that if that cat were coming up to him, he’d just shoo it away. What Jack doesn’t know though is, you can’t shoo away the death cat. I’m not that impressed with the death cat anyways. Isn’t predicting nursing home deaths kind of like predicting which innercity kid is going to end up in prison?

5:22 – Rexella says that they’ve been to 50 countries, but never Africa. Well Rexella, news flash, Africa isn’t a country. Rexella mentions that animals in Africa are decreasing in numbers and she shows us a picture of a lion. Jack references Peter 1 5v8 – “Be vigilant, be sober because your adversary, the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about seeking who he may devour.” That's right people. Satan = lions. Kill them. Kill them all.

Ok, this is important (for all you lion haters out there). Satan, used to be pals with God up there in heaven, but one day he sinned. That’s right, SINNED. What was his sin you may ask? Pride. What do you call a group of lions? That's right, a "PRIDE". I think even the most anti-religious people out there can figure out what that means.

8:00 – now they’re onto drugs and alcohol. “Drug related shootings leave 6 dead”. Of course it's probably 6 drug dealers, so really, drug related shootings aren't bad at all. I personally would like to see more drug related shootings.

Brand new OFFER OF THE WEEK! Tobacco, liquor, drugs, porn, promiscuity, swearing, gambling, gossip, hatred and pride. No, no, it's not about me, it's about addictions and probably how all that fun stuff listed above is bad.

15:43 – On to the Emmys! Kathy Griffin said some mean things about his Jesus. Jack is pretty mad about this. He says that if she were Muslim and she said about Allah that she’d be running for her life now. I think the gist of what he’s saying is that we Christians should be more like the Muslims. So, while you're out there killing lions, shoot some infidels as well (ie. most anyone). Just don't shoot the drug dealers, as apparently that's bad.

19:00 - He then gets mad a Sally Field who said something about the “Goddammed War”. Of course it was bleeped out (rightfully so) because she’s a filty blasphemer just like Kathy Griffin. Although, it is a war, probably damned by God, so it’s a technically accurate statement.

Now he goes off on the Sopranos and says, that there’s something wrong with your Christianity if you watch it. I'd say though, that by supporting HBO and their 14 part series about addiction (which he mentions in his OFFER OF THE WEEK!!) you're also supporting the Sopranos. Jack, you're such a hypocrite!

Man, that was hard. I'm a little rusty.

No comments:

Post a Comment