A Day in the Life

Co-Pilot Kristina Maria

2011-10-19T00:04:00.002-04:00

We can go where you wanna go
We just gotta fuel it up.
Try catching us if you can
This flight ain't about to stop, no

There's no need to buckle up on this joyride
Please leave your seat back up, push it upright
Come join this irie island way of life

We going up up up 'til the stars are below
I'm gonna take this club to the city of love
Come, I'm going to go flying
Oh me need a co-pilot
Baby be my co-pilot

With every puff puff puff, boy the higher we go
Out on the dance floor, anything's possible
Come, I'm going to go flying
Oh me need a co-pilot
Baby be my co-pilot

We can be who we wanna be
One way ticket to the top.
You can be my wingman
Chillin' in the mile high club, oh oh

Baby, there's no need to buckle up on this joyride
Please leave your seat back up, push it upright
Come join this irie island way of life, woah

Because we going up up up 'til the stars are below
I'm gonna take this club to the city of love
Come, I'm going to go flying
Oh me need a co-pilot
Let me be your co-pilot

With every puff puff puff, girl the higher you go
Out on the dance floor, anything's possible
Come, I'm going to go flying
Oh me need a co-pilot
I can be your co-pilot

Ayo
Co-pilot, co-pilot, co-pilot
Ayo
Co-pilot, co-pilot, co-pilot

Cause we do it like this and we never gon' quit
Well, after the DJ and the pretty boys aboard
I'm up in the cockpit
Every night time every day, we be flying through the air
(flying through the air)
Well, after the DJ and the pretty girls
I'm up in the cockpit, going up

I'm gonna take this club to the city of love
Come, I'm going to go flying

We going up up up 'til the stars are below
I'm gonna take this club to the city of love
Come, I'm going to go flying
Oh me need a co-pilot
Baby be my co-pilot

With every puff puff puff, girl the higher you go (the higher you go)
Out on the dance floor, anything's possible (anything's possible)
Come, I'm going to go flying
Oh me need a co-pilot
Baby be my co-pilot.

I think this song is about drugs. And/or sex. Whatever - the singer's hot.

Trashy Magazines

2011-09-23T20:10:00.002-04:00

Over the years, my wife has had subscriptions to a number of trashy magazines. Cosmo, Glamour, US Weekly... Cosmo makes me laugh...it's mostly ads, but the articles are so terrible. My favourite is stuff like "25 ways to please your man in bed". News flash Cosmo, there really aren't 25 ways to please a guy in bed. There are like 2, and everyone knows what they are...you don't have to spend $4 on a crappy magazine to know that blow jobs and sex are the only 2 things you need to know - the other 23 are invariably some form of the other 2. If they're not, then don't bother... Glamour is the same... they also have all these articles about body image, and empowerment, but all the pictures are airbrushed stick thin models that portray the impossible 'beauty' that the articles say you don't need. Make up your damn mind Cosmo. Regardless, the point of this was originally going to be about the "Who wore it best" pictures. I always get them wrong. Always. It could be like 90% on one and 10% on the other and I'd be like, damn, she looks good...what? only 10%? What the hell?

Update!!!

2011-09-10T22:38:00.002-04:00

Ok, so what have I been doing for the past 2 years??? Well, I had a kid! Crazy eh? Crazier still is that #2 is on the way... why am I writing this all of a sudden? Bored, I guess. I was just glancing at this blog and I kind of miss it. Do people even blog anymore? Or does everyone just focus on Facebook and Twitter? (I was going to include Google +, but nobody really gives a crap about Google +). I might use Twitter more if I had more than 1 follower. Seems like a waste of time to have all my witty comments only read by one person.

My wife PVRs Oprah's final season, so I watched an episode about some kid with MS (I think) and he was all profound and mature beyond his years...he kind of made me feel like I should be doing something more with my life. He did more in 11 years than I've done in 35. Then, they tell me he died...and since I have a son, every time anyone says something about a kid dying... man, it really bothers me. Fatherhood has really turned me into a softy. I seriously can't watch any story about suffering kids...my son's face just pops in there, and I think, "What if that were him?" And then I have to change the station. I really can't stand the thought of him suffering at all. Then, on LA Ink (which has really gone down the shitter recently...OMG, Kat almost lost her kitty! Oh, no she didn't...nevermind...that's gripping tv) some dude gets a tattoo of his son because he was killed when he was 12 after getting hit by a car, and, or course, my son could get hit by a car some day!! How will I ever be able to prevent that from happening??? I probably can't! How can I possibly accept that??? I suppose I just teach him how to look after himself and trust that he'll make decisions that will prevent him from getting himself killed. Man...parenting is hard. Who would have thought that?? I thought it was all fun and games. Turns out it's emotionally draining sometimes, and stressful!

Anyway, that's enough writing for something nobody is going to read.

Hello?

2010-11-14T22:15:00.000-05:00

Door creaks open... Man peers in... Is anyone there???

Crokinole!

2009-06-12T09:00:00.000-04:00

Ok, I don't expect many people to know what crokinole is, but it's a great game. Why checkers is popular when crokinole isn't is beyond me. I personally don't get it - checkers is so boring. So, having said that, I think it's time we take crokinole to another level.

I've been thinking, and these are the ingredients that I think are required for anything to be popular these days -

1. Sex appeal
2. Violence
3. Fun
4. Not boring (thanks to our over-stimulating environment, we can't pay attention to anything for longer than about 2 minutes. I'd be surprised if anyone is even still reading this...I'm even a little bored myself.)

Anyway, 3 and 4 take care of themselves, as it's a fun, fast paced game. Games are quick, the concept is simple, and it's fun.

Numbers 1 and 2 are a little harder, so, that's where I propose to initiate the United Federation of Crokinole, or UFC. Here's how I envision it

**That little "of" is important, as it prevents us from getting sued (or at least I hope it does.)

Now, this in and of itself doesn't make it violent, BUT, it might draw attention to the Federation from people who are looking for violent things (actually, maybe that's not the crowd we're interested in....whatever, we'll worry about that later.) If someone comes out just to either a) get punched in the face, or b) see someone get punched in the face, I'm sure I can set something up.

This last important detail is the sex appeal part, so I figure this can go on our posters. Maybe, when we really hit the big time, we can really have hot models at events. Or maybe just models, or, maybe just any woman at all.

So, there you have it, that's my plan to take crokinole from obscurity into the big time. If cup stacking can make it, surely crokinole can. Sport??. McDonald's Commercial??? I really don't get it. Crokinole, people, I'm telling you.

Every once in a while...

2009-04-20T17:58:00.003-04:00

Every once in a while I see something that is just so shocking that I think, "I have to blog this..." This, is one of those times. While perusing the catalogs that are sitting around, I found some 'interesting' things.

California octuplets' mom already has 6 kids

2009-01-30T18:58:00.002-05:00

I found this report that says the mother of the octuplets already has 6 kids.

In reporting on "The Early Show" that the mother already has six other children, a CBS reporter who visited the woman's Los Angeles-area home cited two unnamed acquaintances. It has also been reported that the mother has decided to change her name to "Gourteen" for their upcoming TLC show, "John and Gourteen plus fourteen".

That's right John and Kate, fourteen! Next time you want to complain about having 8 small kids, just think about poor Gourteen.

Update on Reality TV Dating Shows

2009-01-08T20:49:00.003-05:00

As I've said before, I hate The Bachelor/Bachelorette. I find it pretty disgusting that they pretend that the show is about people finding true love, and then living happily ever after, when in reality, it's all about getting 2 or more people to "fall in love" with one person (or one person to "fall in love" with 2 people) and then watch as they go through emotional hell and then be crushed when they aren't chosen. Having said that, I did watch the first episode of The Bachelor this week, and it appears that it'll be full of heart-wrenching emotional destruction while Jason looks to recover from his public crushing at the hands of that vile Deanna (may have spelled that wrong, don't care to look it up). The show itself sucked, but the preview for the upcoming weeks was just full of torture. The producers of that show are so sadistic, it's kind of sad that we all find it so entertaining (it's also sad that nobody thinks it's a horrible show for what they do to poor saps like Jason). So, what can we look forward to?? Well, to torture Jason, they bring back Deanna. The beauty of this is, that they not only torture Jason, but they also torture her, AND, they also torture all the women who think that they're at some sort of disadvantage. Awesome. Where else could you possibly have provided that much emotional torture with only one thing? Brilliant. The tears and heart-ache in that preview almost makes me want to continue to watch. Almost. Why almost? Well, because in that preview they showed Jason 'proposing' to an unknown woman, whose identity they so cleverly concealed. Or did they?? That's right, I'm so superbly perceptive that I noticed something in that preview that (I believe) has given away the identity of the woman to whom Jason proposes. After a nauseating amount of rewinding and squinting and slow motion (that even my wife was growing tired of) I feel that I know who he picks. The beauty of this is, a) I can ruin the show for people (which may be mean, but, that show is horrid, so it shouldn't really be enjoyed anyway, unless you're evil) and b) I don't have to watch (except to revel in the emotional pain that people are going through while they get their hearts shredded on national tv). If you don't want to know who I think he picks and the associated 'evidence', then don't watch this video (it's not Lisa).

Next is possibly the greatest dating show ever. Better than Flava of Love, and better than A Shot at Love (with Tila Tequila). That's right, it's A Double Shot at Love with the Ikki Twins. Just when you thought it couldn't get any more dysfunctional than Tila Tequila's 12 dudes vs. 12 lesbians, we get dudes and lesbians, but they're competing for bi-sexual twins! You can tell the calibre of a dating show by how trashy the contestants are, and by that definition, this show is very low calibre. Anyway, that Bachelor part took a lot out of me, so I don't really have anything to say about the Ikki twins, other than it's odd that they call themselves 'ikki', and that I imagine that one will pick a dude, and the other will pick a lesbian, and in about 2 weeks, the Ikki twins will be back to obscurity - possibly porn, if they're lucky, and the 'winners' will be back to the trailer park. I guess the most important thing is that people's feelings will be hurt, they will cry, and they may be scarred and prevented from having a functional relationship in the future, and, really, isn't that what these shows are all about?

I blessed the rains down in Africa

2009-01-03T12:01:00.008-05:00

Ok, after some pressure to write a post about Africa, here goes... (you can play this in the background if you wish - sidenote - I got an ipod for Christmas, so I've been uploading all my cds, and I have rediscovered Howie Day. I remember going to a Tori Amos concert with my sister about 7 years ago just because Howie Day was the opening act. He's crazy talented, but I think he's had drug problems, and he was associated with Britney Spears for a time, so he's pretty much gone down the shitter.)

Anyway, back to Africa. Africa is a continent, and it turns out, it's pretty huge, and it takes forever to get there. I believe there was something like 36 hours of travel time (including layovers in London and Johannesburg) to get where we were going (Zambia) where we took a helicopter tour of Victoria Falls.

This was our 'hotel' room in Zambia.

The following is where I was afraid there was some crazy big bug ready to jump out and kill me.

It turned out that there really weren't that many bugs around. We did happen across a grasshopper so big you could have ridden it, but it was fairly benign, so it was all good. There were some flies and mosquitos, but it wasn't that bad.

From Zambia, we went to Botswana, where the majority of our tour was. Botswana is a stable, "successful" country (I put successful in quotes because I mostly determine success based on the number of reality tv shows that originate in a particular area, so, by some people's criteria, it is successful, however, I feel it's questionable.) Botswana is right next to Zimbabwe, which is a shit-hole by most people's standards, and was blamed for the robbery that took place in one of our first lodges. Basically, the single room 'hut' next to ours was broken into in the middle of the night and robbed. Apparently there was no key to that hut, so the theory was that it was a bit of an inside job. Regardless, I was awakened in the middle of the night by yelling and banging and it was really quite terrifying. I can handle having things stolen while nobody is around, but having people steal stuff when the victim is sleeping with the threat of being shot (they claimed to have guns) is a little different. Regardless, I'm kind of glad that we experienced that, as it was a wake up call regarding the fact that we were no longer in Canada. Desperate people (from Zimbabwe no doubt! We hated those punks from Zimbabwe) do desperate things, which I'm not used to here.

Anyway, this is getting long, and we're only on the first night, so I'll just throw up some pictures and say that it was quite an experience to go to Africa, and if anyone is interested in wildlife trips, I really can't imagine anything being better. The number and concentration of animals was almost overwhelming at times and it never really got tiring watching a herd of them walk by.

Happy New Year!!!

2008-12-31T15:20:00.002-05:00

Oh New Years! It's my favourite time of year. I'm going to go a few parties and get really drunk (high five!) and maybe score with some chicks! Or at least that's what I'm going to be telling people tomorrow when I get asked what I did for New Years (except for that 'scoring with chicks' bit, I'm married now). In reality, I'm just going to be sitting here playing Facebook poker with someone from Turkey who probably told their friends they were out getting drunk as well. Hey, at least I'm being honest.

Worst Song Ever

2008-12-16T23:24:00.002-05:00

(I originally posted this a couple of Christmases ago, but I heard it on the radio today and thought that I had to re-post it.)

The Christmas Shoes

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood.
(maybe if you didn't wait until the last second to buy stuff you'd be in a better mood, dipshit)
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing 'round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes.

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say,
(I could believe it. What do you expect from a dirty looking kid in a store? Do you honestly think he has money? I'd just go to another line, as you know it's going to take a while.

Chorus:
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
Did you ever think that it might make her smile more if you were physically there when she died? Maybe she was so sad that you weren't there that she died of a broken heart...
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.
What the hell?! Why is Daddy letting you run around by yourself? Where is Daddy? His name isn't K-Fed is it? Jesus is probably the name of the pool boy that mom is screwing on the side anyways.
Mom - I want to look good for Jesus tonight!
Kid - Why Mommy, are you sick??
Mom - Ummmm yeah, sick. Sick of your father...
Kid - What?
Mom - Nothing.

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
See?? Should have gone to another line.
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
Don't look at me, kid. I'm not a charity.
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes.
You should have thought about that before you tried to buy something with no money. Grown ups trade money for goods and/or services, so I suggest you either go ask your father for the money, or maybe get a job.

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
What? What does that teach the kid?
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama's gonna look so great.
Unless it's an open casket, it doesn't really matter

Bridge:
I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
By using a poor kid and his dying mother to remind you that you shouldn't be an asshole while you're in line buying an ipod and PS3 that you really don't need? Heaven's love indeed. Why doesn't heaven love the poor kid with the sick mother?
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about

And what exactly did it teach you about Christmas? Some poor kid, with no money has a sick and dying mother and you buy him a pair of shoes and then feel good about yourself? What a great story! What about the kid? What does he learn about God's love? God doesn't love poor kids who beg for shoes. He only kills their mothers? Plus, Christmas is about the birth of Jesus, which, if I'm not mistaken, isn't mentioned in this song.

The choir of little kids singing at the end is really too much too. Fuck this song sucks.

More Christmas Ads

2008-12-07T15:58:00.008-05:00

It's Almost Christmas!!

2008-12-07T14:16:00.011-05:00

Yup, it's almost Christmas, and with that comes ads. Lots and lots of ads. Usually, stores will say whatever it takes to get you to buy their crap, however, I found it pleasantly surprising that they're being honest this Christmas.

I love educational toys. It's never too early to begin teaching your kids about men's and women's roles in society.

The other day...

2008-11-07T20:35:00.002-05:00

The other day I was out at Sport Chek (buying a yoga mat, I think) and I happened to look at the running stuff (because I always look at running stuff). I'm all for whatever might make me run faster, stay cooler, or whatever. So, I came across some shorts and they were on sale, and they were basically what I wanted. They have the kind of bike short lining under the running short. Bike shorts are supposed to better keep your muscles from bouncing around, thus making for more efficient running, and less lost energy keeping your muscles from bouncing around. Anyways, I bought 2 pairs and left. While walking through the mall, I thought, "Hmmmm, I didn't even check to see if these were men's or women's shorts" (although they were with all the other mens stuff). Anyways, to make a long story short, they're women's shorts! Man, what a homo. They're smalls too. That's right, I wear a women's small.

I like them, so I decided to keep them, but I have one question,

Do these shorts make my ass look big?

Halloween!!

2008-10-28T19:06:00.011-04:00

Well, it's time again for a Halloween post! This year, I'm going to change it up a bit and write about how women's costumes are all slutty, and that while you think you're going as a "sexy leprechaun", you're really going as a "whore".

Now, while perusing the slutty costumes, I came across 3 things that I found rather disturbing. In no particular order -

1. These two "Sexy Scarecrow" costumes

don't cost the same! The one on the right is $10 cheaper than the one on the left! This to me is blatantly discriminatory! Why? Because the fat girl has to pay more! Do I have to pay less for my 28 waist jeans than the guy who buys size 42? No. Is he getting twice the amount of material?? Yes. If I had any skill with a sewing machine I could buy fat jeans and then tailor them into 2 pairs of skinny jeans, buy I digress. The fat woman should not have to pay more for her costume, and she should be able to dress like a whore for the same amount of money as anyone else.

2. These are advertised as "teen" costumes.

Teens (boys and girls) don't need any help being whores, so I think these "Teen" costumes are a little inappropriate. Especially the convict one, but ESPECIALLY the french maid one. Ask any dude what comes to mind when you say "French Maid" and I guarantee you it isn't, "What innocent teens dress up as to go to a Halloween party with friends where they sit around exchanging recipes before getting tired and heading back home to bed." French Maid = Sex fantasy, so teen girls should NOT be dressing up as French Maids.

3. Finally, what the hell is this???

If you guessed "a Ghostbuster", you'd be wrong, because I think the description was "sexy Ghostbuster", but, I've seen both Ghostbuster movies, and I don't recall anything that looked like her in that movie. Maybe there's a Ghostbuster movie I'm not aware of...Just a sec...I'll check...Nope. I searched for Ghostbusters porn as well, but was afraid to click on any of the links.... Anyway, they're not even trying with this costume. They just took a slutty costume, slapped a Ghostbuster symbol on it, and called her a Ghostbuster! It's blasphemy (if you worship ghostbusters as your almighty saviour, that is).

So, having said that, I've decided to open my own costume store. Here are some of my creations.

Anyway, Happy "Dress Like a Whore" day!!

Yoga

2008-10-25T15:33:00.008-04:00

My wife and I signed up for yoga class. Yoga people are weird. They're so calm and serene, it kind of creeps me out. It can't possibly be good for you either. They must have a lot of pent up anger in them just waiting for that day when someone does downward dog wrong and they just snap and kick the shit out of them. (side note - any single guys out there who want to meet hot toned women, take yoga. I'm the only guy in the class. You can thank me later.)

Anyway, back to the part about yoga people being weird. Look at this mat (that I bought)

Come on now! Are there seriously any people out there who would be lying on their mat doing some yoga pose thinking, "I just can't stop thinking that this yoga mat is going to spend all eternity sitting in a landfill somewhere." It's especially kooky because that same person probably drove their gas-guzzling SUV to yoga class.

It also came with a warning -

I have a hard time believing that doing yoga has killed many people. Having said that, I decided to check the good old internet to see if anyone actually has been killed doing yoga, and guess what?! They have! Check out these pictures!

The lion and the anvil I can deal with, I'll just do yoga inside, but shit, her head just fell off! That's CRAZY.

I had an idea!!

2008-10-16T21:31:00.005-04:00

I call it "assbook". The idea is that you take a picture of your ass, and then post it online for all your long lost friends from highschool to see! Why you ask? Well, because, let's be honest here, you don't really care about Suzy from grade 12, you just want to know if she's gotten fat over the years.

I'm back baby!!

2008-10-14T22:18:00.004-04:00

Hello?? Is anyone there?? I'm sorry I've neglected this blog, but recently I've had a flood of creativity where everywhere I look I see something and think, "I should blog about that." Well, because I don't want to waste any "A" material on a first post that nobody will read, I will write a short summary of what I've been doing for the past 6 months.

March - Stopped blogging.
April - Bought a Wii (which may not have been in April, but it did happen at some point)
May - can't remember
June - can't remember
July - Got married in Jamaica.

August - Ummm, revelled in newly wed bliss??
September - Hit 32 tiger attack free years! I celebrated this impressive feat by trying to get attacked by a lion, but alas, it did not occur.

I had to go all the way to Africa to do it too!
October - Decided to start blogging again.

There you have it. Consider yourselves caught up. Now, don't consider the fact that I walked with lions as an endorsement of the activity, as I've since heard that maybe it's not the best kind of thing to support, BUT, I'll claim ignorance, as I believed what they told me (which may be true, I don't know...) I may have some other Africa related posts coming up, depends on my ability to keep writing posts... I think I'll write some right now in the hopes that I get my 4 readers back.

Vogue is Racist, Sexist, and Probably Isn't Big on Gays

2008-03-28T23:55:00.010-04:00

Well, apparently, the LeBron James/Gisele Bundchen cover of Vogue is "racially insensitive"

Here it is.

"James strikes what some see as a gorilla-like pose, baring his teeth, with one hand dribbling a ball and the other around Bundchen's tiny waist."

I can't help but agree here. I can't believe how 'racially insensitive' this magazine is!!

At first I thought that they should just have put a different picture on the cover - until I saw the other options!!

I mean, look at this one!

It doesn't even have any black people in it at all!!! Apparently this photo was taken just after the photographer suggested that a black person be included in the shoot, and just before they simultaneously responded, "Are you fucking kidding me???"

Here are some other LeBron/Gisele shots.

This one (above), incredibly, shows Gisele 'holding down' LeBron as if to say, "I am white, I am better than you, and I will over-power you and push you down".

While they're not speaking, this photo speaks louder than words.

Gisele - "Look at my breasts! And while you're doing that, I'm going to pull this ball away from you because I control you!!"

LeBron - "I got my own ball n****!"

Also, more subtle, but no less blatantly racist is the shape that Gisele is contorting to. What does it look like?? Well, it looks like the 'greater than' sign (>). This picture, translated to words clearly says, "White > Black", and well, that's just not ok.

I'm really not sure what this picture depicts. One thing I am sure of though, is that it offends me to the very core of my being.

Now, on to the sexist pictures.

The man (on the right) is ahead of the woman, one step in front. She's trying desperately to catch up, to be equal, but the sexy cheerleader outfit has too much wind resistance and it's pulling her back. That's right, the sexy cheerleader stereotype is preventing the woman from being equal to the man.

This one, well, it really doesn't take a rocket scientist to see how this may be considered sexist. I could make up something up about him carrying her off to have sex with because he owns her or something, but I don't really think I have to make that up. It really does depict that. Disgusting, utterly disgusting.

Holy Crap!

2008-02-25T19:57:00.003-05:00

Man, it has been a while. What ever could I have been doing for the past month you ask? Well, not much. I did decide that it would be a good idea to take a painting class. Painting looks so easy. Well, news flash, it's not. Stupid instructor just splatters paint on paper and it looks like a river and some pine trees. I do it and it just looks like crap.

I got a new tv too. It's 46 inches of pure viewing pleasure. High definition is cool, but sometimes you see too much. Take the Oscars for example. Man, you can see every little wrinkle. And, (not that I was looking) the picture is so clear you can see the veins in Jessica Alba's breasts. I never would have thought that a picture of Jessica Alba's breasts would be "too clear".

What else... I got engaged. That's also new. We're going to Jamaica in July and we're getting hitched. There are like, 3 things to plan for a wedding in Jamaica and it's kinda stressful. I can't imagine planning a huge wedding here. Yech.

Anyways, thank you for asking where I was. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I'm sorry I've neglected this blog recently. I'll try to update more often, I promise.

Special K Revisited

2008-01-02T22:40:00.000-05:00

Special K is a cereal. Now, maybe I eat Special K because I like it, maybe it's because I believe it to be good for me, maybe it's because I just want to look like the people on the box. Who knows? One thing I do know is this - if I go to the United States and buy Special K, it doesn't look like the Special K that I buy in Canada. Why is that? What are "they" up to?

Look! They both say "Original"! Look at them! One is flat like Corn Flakes and the other doesn't look like Corn Flakes at all! One is not original. One is a dirty filthy liar.

Well, I decided that to find out why, the best way would be to go to the source. That's right, Mr. Kellogg himself. He didn't answer, but a Mr. Pablo A. Martinez from the Consumer Affairs Department did and he said the following:

Thank you for writing to us about Special K®.

We always look for ways to maximize our brands on a global basis while remaining sensitive to the local tastes and cultures within each market. Extensive market research helps us assess whether a brand can be successfully introduced in multiple markets. The formulation of the products is different due to the varying preferences when it comes to taste and texture in any given market.

We appreciate your interest in our company and products.

Huh? "Varying preferences when it comes to taste and texture in any given market"? Is that true?? Will Americans buy more Special K because it looks like Corn Flakes? Do Americans like Corn Flakes that much?? Or, I suppose, do Canadians dislike Corn Flakes that much? Come to think of it, the thought of those little flakes of 'corn' does kind of disgust me.

My in depth investigation also uncovered that Special K is also a drug.

Because I'm so thorough with my reporting, I thought I'd try it myself.

So, in closing, Special K is a healthy cereal that looks different depending on which county you live in. I don't recommend snorting it, just eat it like any other health conscious woman would. This is partly because it stings, and partly because after a while, you find that not only do you eat it at breakfast, you'll also find yourself needing it at lunch, dinner and then when you hit rock bottom, even snorting it off some hooker's chest in the back room of some filthy club.

Note: Sorry for the crappy photography in this post. It's not easy to do day-to-day things when you're hepped up on Special K.

Miss Poor Judgement

2007-12-29T12:11:00.001-05:00

Yes, it's true, I've posted two days in a row!

Miss France gets to keep her crown! Not that anyone really cares. I imagine she probably has more to gain (money-wise) by posing naked in suggestive photos than she does as Miss France or Miss Universe*. If I were Valerie Begue, I wouldn't want the title "Miss France" to tarnish my reputation as a slut.

Regardless, these are both clearly for advertisements.

This one is for "100% Pure Satan's spooge". Now in a can! Gone are the embarassing days of sucking off some guy who claims to be Satan, only to find out that he's just some homeless guy who lives in the alley.

This one is for the "Crucifixion Water Mattress". Can't walk on water? Well, try lying on the water in this new crucifixion water mattress! Christians everywhere will be dying to try out this new product!

* - Miss Universe should probably be called "Miss Known Universe" as there may be some pretty hot women (or aliens, I suppose) that we just don't know about. It's pretty arrogant of us to have a Miss Universe pageant when we don't even invite anyone from outside our solar system.

Tiger Attack!!

2007-12-28T23:41:00.000-05:00

I've gone 31 years with no tiger attack, which, to borrow words from my girlfriend, "is about 10 years more than these chumps."

See? It's possible. You really have to be careful, especially when you know tigers are around.

The thing that annoys me is they shot the tiger. Tigers are endangered, morons are not. To look on the bright side, at least they'll have 4 more ashtrays in the giftshop.

Special K

2007-12-13T20:17:00.000-05:00

Why is the Special K that you buy in the States different than the Special K that you buy in Canada? American Special K is flatter, like Corn Flakes while the Canadian version is rounder, like Rice Krispies. Wouldn't you think that it all comes from the same factory in China somewhere?

Facebook

2007-11-24T18:06:00.000-05:00

I was thinking about joining Facebook, but then I didn't.

The Bachelor

2007-11-07T22:57:00.000-05:00

I've been exposed to this show for 2 weeks in a row now (which is partly my fault) but it's a horrible horrible show. The whole point is to get 2 or more women to fall in love with one guy and then have him crush all but one on national tv for our entertainment. Anyone who says the point of the bachelor is a romantic one or a positive one is pretty naive. The other annoying thing about this show is that all these women think they're in love with the guy. You could put any dude up there and that same woman who was just broken hearted over Brad's rejection would be broken hearted over that other guy who she was supposed to fall in love with. How can you possibly fall in love over a few weeks while camera crews follow you around and while the person you're 'falling in love' with is seeing multiple other people?? I mean, he gave all 3 keys to the 'fantasy suite'! My first question, if I were one of the girls would be, "before I accept this key, who else did you give it to and why?" Either he's playing all 3 for some sexy time in the fantasy suite, or he's deliberately leading 2 of them on, which, doesn't say much about his character. This show veils itself under the guise of 'helping 2 people find each other' when it's really about us taking pleasure in other people's emotional traumas. Maybe they should have multiple bachelors instead of just one.

I've been watching "A Shot at Love" with Tila Tequila, and that show rules! I find it entertaining for the same reasons I watch "Flava of Love". I suppose I don't value the feelings and emotional health of white trash as much as 'normal' people.

Halloween!! (basically the same post as previous Halloweens, because, really, how much is there to say?)

2007-10-27T11:10:00.000-04:00

So, MSN has an article about "What your Halloween costume says about you"

Here's my interpretation of what the following Halloween costumes 'reveal' about the people wearing them.

The woman who dresses as "Captain Booty" is a woman with loose morals who will have sex with you in the bathroom at a party.

The woman who dresses as an "Alpine Girl" is a woman with loose morals who will have sex with you in the bathroom at a party. This is made obvious by the fact that the only reason to dress up like an "Alpine Girl" is to go out in the skimpiest, sluttiest costume so, when someone asks, "Are you a prostitute?" she can respond "No silly! I'm an Alpine Girl!"

The woman who dresses as the exceedingly suggestive "Cavegirl" is a woman with loose morals who will have sex with you. Period. Why go all the way to the bathroom when the Cavegirl will do it on the couch with people watching? You get laid, and you don't even lose your spot! It's win-win with the Cavegirl. (Also, I think the cavegirl who decided to wear the fish nets on her legs as opposed to using it to, oh, I don't know, catch fish, probably didn't survive to reproduce, so not only is she a cavegirl, but a dumb one. If it's wrong to expect historical accuracy in Halloween costumes then I don't want to be right.)

The woman who dresses as the "Gold Digger" is one to stay away from (after you have sex with her in the bathroom, of course.) You see, she chooses the gold digger because that's exactly what she is. In fact, she might not even have sex with you in the bathroom of the party, she might insist you take her to a hotel or to the backseat of a moderately expensive car.

The woman who dresses as "Cat Woman" is a woman with loose morals who will have sex with you. Now, if you think the Cat Woman is going to have sex with you in the bathroom at a party, you're sorely mistaken. No sir, those pants are way too hard to put back on after a quickie on the sink. You're going to have to take her back to your place. While still a sure thing, approach Cat Woman at the end of the night, not beginning.

The woman who goes as a "Pin Up" is just dumb. You see, without the wind blowing up the skirt, there's no difference between that costume and something you might wear to a garden party in July. Spend time with this woman if you like to hear people ask, "So, you're going to a garden party?" To which she'll respond, "I didn't realize that there wouldn't be a constant wind blowing up my skirt, it looked good in the picture. I thought the wind was included."

Now, to be fair, I'll do some male costumes as well.

The man who dresses as a referee, a gladiator, a pirate, or Hef will try to have sex with any of the costumes listed above. He is a man-whore with little else on his mind.

The man who dresses up as Jason is a guy who still lives in his parent's basement. He cares more about the costume than the sex with slutty women. You'll see him in character most of the night wondering why none of the women will talk to him and why the bathroom always seems to be occupied.

Happy Halloween.

(If you think these costumes are over the top, check this out. There's even a picture in a bathroom! (not sure if it's pre or post sex though.)

Join Millions Across the Globe! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired October 3)

2007-10-19T12:53:00.000-04:00

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

00:20 – Apparently the Emmys were a ‘moral disappointment’. I think I have to agree here. Didn’t “Dick in a Box” win an Emmy? How many times do I have to say it?? Dicks don't belong in boxes! They belong neatly tucked into one's pants or shorts.

1:00 – Rexella reminds us (for those of you who don’t watch regularly) that they have a cat named “Finnicka”. She then pulls up an article about a cat named Oscar who can predict when nursing home patients are going to die. Anyways, Jack basically says that if that cat were coming up to him, he’d just shoo it away. What Jack doesn’t know though is, you can’t shoo away the death cat. I’m not that impressed with the death cat anyways. Isn’t predicting nursing home deaths kind of like predicting which innercity kid is going to end up in prison?

5:22 – Rexella says that they’ve been to 50 countries, but never Africa. Well Rexella, news flash, Africa isn’t a country. Rexella mentions that animals in Africa are decreasing in numbers and she shows us a picture of a lion. Jack references Peter 1 5v8 – “Be vigilant, be sober because your adversary, the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about seeking who he may devour.” That's right people. Satan = lions. Kill them. Kill them all.

Ok, this is important (for all you lion haters out there). Satan, used to be pals with God up there in heaven, but one day he sinned. That’s right, SINNED. What was his sin you may ask? Pride. What do you call a group of lions? That's right, a "PRIDE". I think even the most anti-religious people out there can figure out what that means.

8:00 – now they’re onto drugs and alcohol. “Drug related shootings leave 6 dead”. Of course it's probably 6 drug dealers, so really, drug related shootings aren't bad at all. I personally would like to see more drug related shootings.

Brand new OFFER OF THE WEEK! Tobacco, liquor, drugs, porn, promiscuity, swearing, gambling, gossip, hatred and pride. No, no, it's not about me, it's about addictions and probably how all that fun stuff listed above is bad.

15:43 – On to the Emmys! Kathy Griffin said some mean things about his Jesus. Jack is pretty mad about this. He says that if she were Muslim and she said about Allah that she’d be running for her life now. I think the gist of what he’s saying is that we Christians should be more like the Muslims. So, while you're out there killing lions, shoot some infidels as well (ie. most anyone). Just don't shoot the drug dealers, as apparently that's bad.

19:00 - He then gets mad a Sally Field who said something about the “Goddammed War”. Of course it was bleeped out (rightfully so) because she’s a filty blasphemer just like Kathy Griffin. Although, it is a war, probably damned by God, so it’s a technically accurate statement.

Now he goes off on the Sopranos and says, that there’s something wrong with your Christianity if you watch it. I'd say though, that by supporting HBO and their 14 part series about addiction (which he mentions in his OFFER OF THE WEEK!!) you're also supporting the Sopranos. Jack, you're such a hypocrite!

Man, that was hard. I'm a little rusty.

Update!!!

2007-10-17T20:07:00.000-04:00

Well, I've let this blog slide a bit, with all the working and tv watching that I've been doing. Now, I have some "good" ideas but since nobody reads this anymore, I don't want to waste my time. Show me some love people. I worked so hard over the years to get my 8 readers, now I've let it all slide. Why have I been so foolish!?

Of course I'll still post my 'good' ideas, but I'll silently (or not so silently, as demonstrated above) sit here and accept the fact that I've neglected my blog and lost my audience.

On an unrelated note, we just took a guy out for dinner and tried to get him to do the "72 ounce challenge" where he has to eat a 72 ounce steak in an hour to get it all down. He only managed 63 ounces. I can't imagine eating 4 pounds of meat.

2007-09-27T23:31:00.000-04:00

Obscure humour + stupid audience = cancellation

2007-09-13T12:01:00.001-04:00

Paul's Book Club (not to be confused with Oprah's)

2007-09-11T14:02:00.000-04:00

This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club, don't read this book!

Now this one is a little different. You see, when you spend hours driving back and forth to the cottage, you need something to make the time go faster. We figured that being drunk might do it, but alcohol is expensive, so we decided that reading books might be a good way to a) pass the time, and b) learn something while you're in the car for hours at a time, plus, books from the library are FREE! Regardless, it didn't take too long to realize that reading out loud for an extended period of time is even worse than reading in your head for any length of time, so we moved on to the next best thing. That's right, books on tape.

Dante's Inferno from The Divine Comedy.

(I like the braille on the cover too. I guess it's good to know that blind people don't like to read either.)

This one lasted about 5 minutes before I said, "What the hell is he talking about? If I'd been reading this book, I would have put it down about 4 minutes ago." It's read by some boring english guy too, which makes it even more sleep inducing (not good when you're on the highway). The only thing that would make this book on tape tolerable would be if it were actually Jessica Alba doing the reading, and instead of reading Dante's Inferno she was reading Penthouse Forum. Or, I suppose she could be reading Dante's Inferno while manually stimulating herself, I suppose that might make it better. That gives me a great idea! I'm going to start a series of books on tape titled, "Great Works of Literature read by some hot chick masturbating". Teenaged boys will line up for blocks waiting to learn all about Charles Dickens and Jane Austen. I imagine War and Peace will be a best seller, but I'd have to find a hot chick who really likes masturbating. Maybe I'd have to have a couple different ones for the longer books, but those details can be sorted out later. Damn, open auditions start today! I think the first book I'll do is Schindler's List. Is it in poor taste to read Schindler's List while pleasuring yourself? I'd say 'probably', but it's pretty subjective.

Anyway, join my book club, don't read this book (or listen to it, or look at it) today (unless, of course, it's being read by a hot chick masturbating).

New Atari Game

2007-08-21T19:56:00.000-04:00

Your kids will love the challenge of pro football combined with the thrill of dog fighting in this new title by Atari. Cutting edge graphics and superb play control will allow you to choose your dog, and even design your own! Sure, pitbulls are strong and sturdy, but poodles are quick and full of surprises. Challenge your friends in the 2 player option. The better your football team does, the more money you make which will allow you to buy better dogs. Don't spend too much time on the dog fighting though, or you'll lose focus and your play on the field will suffer. Make sure you avoid the feds as well or else you'll lose your dog and you'll be off the team!

Atari's multi-faceted "Dog Fighter 2007" will keep you and the whole family entertained for hours at a time.

How much do you have to love dog fighting in order to throw away a $130 million dollar contract? What a retard.

Reality Show Update!!

2007-08-03T07:21:00.001-04:00

Just for Corinna, because she asked, here's my reality show update.

Big Brother 8

Daniele is an idiot. She may have done irreversible damage to her long term relationship for some dork she'd known for a couple days. She also thinks "Nothing's fair!". News flash, nothing is fair. Get used to it.

Amber cries WAY too much. She cries when people get nominated, she cries when they get evicted, she cries when she votes for people, she cries when they win HOH. How much water does she have to drink to maintain any sort of hydration?

I like the way Dick plays, but he's a little too 'in your face' and I think people will get tired of it.

So, who will win? Maybe Amber will win, or Daniele. I don't think Amber has enough tears to actually win though... Maybe God has already decided, like what whacko chick thinks.

I also kind of like Jen. She takes so much abuse and doesn't seem to let it get to her. Everyone hates her though, so I doubt she'll make it much further.

So You Think You Can Dance. I think Lacey will win. Partly because she's good, and partly because she's Benji's sister.

Canadian Idol. Greg will definitely win. He's so much better than everyone else. I like how they can use instruments this year. Instead of just being a schmuck from a small town who can sing, some of them are schmucks who actually play instruments.

Hmmmm, I think that's all that I'm watching right now. Corinna mentioned "Age of Love", which, when it first came out, I kind of wanted to watch, but I hate those dating shows (unless it's Flava of Love, because I love watching that train-wreck of a show). Granted, people know what they're getting into, but I still have a problem with a show that encourages multiple people to fall in love with one person and then crush one of them for our entertainment. Plus, in all honesty, I don't think there's any way that a 30 year old professional tennis player will pick one of the older women. I just can't see it happening. Now, I haven't been watching it at all, but I imagine (because the finale is on Monday) that there is one older woman left, and one younger woman left, and there's all this "drama" over will he go with age and experience or youth and beauty (or some other crap like that). Hmmmm, old woman who has had plastic surgery? Or young hot girl who will probably have plastic surgery, just not for 15-20 more years. I guarantee you that he will pick the young girl. I also guarantee you that the producers of the show told him to string along one of the older women until the end, eventhough there's not a chance in hell that he'll pick one. It's all about evolution and the human animal. He will not pick the old woman. It wouldn't make sense.

Shit, I forgot about "America's Got Talent". Cas Haley will win that. I love that guy. Plus, the competition is pretty weak. Butterscotch is good, but not as good as Cas.

Have a good long weekend.

Not Dead, just lazy.

2007-07-30T23:44:00.000-04:00

I haven't updated in a while. I want to, but I can't seem to find the time. Just when one season of reality tv is over another one begins! I have a couple things I want to post, so one of these days I'll do it, I promise. If you still come by here to check, thanks, and I'll get around to writing something soon.

Avril Lavigne stole from me too!!

2007-07-11T19:24:00.000-04:00

What's all this fuss over Avril Lavigne stealing songs? Have you even heard the comparison? Plus, the song by the group who is claiming she stole from them sounds suspiciously like a Rolling Stones song. Now, this group certainly has a lot of balls to sue someone for stealing a song that they themselves stole. It's like me stealing someone's car and then getting mad when someone steals it from me. They're obviously just looking for money because who has even heard of the "Rubinoos?" Regardless, the Avril Lavigne version doesn't sound anything like the others.

This one is a little harder to defend, especially since it was reported that she claimed to listen to the group. What was all this about again? Oh yeah, I wrote a song about 10 years ago that has lyrics that are eerily similar to Sk8r Boi, only I spelled it with a "7". I never recorded it because I couldn't figure out how to pronounce "Sk7r".

Lack of Posting

2007-07-08T20:00:00.000-04:00

Well, if you care, I'm not updating much because I'm reading. That's right people, reading. Now, don't get me wrong, I still don't endorse reading as an activity that one should participate in routinely, but, occasionally, there's something that interests me, and, at those times, if I can't find it on tape or find a DVD that basically summarizes it for me, I find myself having to read.

Not only is it fat (1500 pages) but there are a lot of words on each page too.

Anyway, what could I possibly be reading about, you might ask? Well, it's about the JFK Assassination, which, for a reason I don't know, interests me. Now, I'm far from an expert on the subject, but based on the investigations that have been done and all the evidence that exists, anyone who thinks there was a conspiracy is pretty ignorant. Saying that there were multiple shooters is equivalent to saying "The earth is flat." Sure, it looks flat, but there's overwhelming scientific proof that the earth isn't in fact flat. You might even want to argue that the earth is flat, but I wouldn't recommend it. You might look like an idiot.

A Report on Killer Whales.

2007-06-24T13:18:00.000-04:00

The name killer whale is a bit of a misnomer. It's kind of misleading, because they're not whales at all, they're actually dolphins. It's widely believed that they were originally called "Whale Killers" because they like to kill whales, but Eskimos tended to be dyslexic, so the words got reversed. White man adopted the name because when the time finally came to clarify it was too late because they'd already killed the Eskimos and taken their land. (Sidenote, the Eskimo name for "white man" is "Killer Eskimo").

Killer whales are also called "Orcas" which is what the Romans called them. It's a little known fact that the Orcas (because they were so fierce) were originally used in the colliseum to fight gladiators, but instead of putting on a good show for the crowd, they just flopped around a bit in the dirt and then suffocated under their own body weight. Not only was it not entertaining, it was a bitch to clean up, as they were heavy.

Now, most people know the Killer Whale from Sea World or Marine Land where they are held captive and forced to perform silly tricks for dead fish. Some people think it's cruel and that the poor whale (or dolphin) should just be left alone. Others might argue that it's our duty as humans to take advantage of animals that aren't as smart as we are and make them jump through hoops to entertain the masses (and to make money). I, myself, try not to think about stuff like this, because if I feel strongly about it either way I might feel obligated to do something, and 'doing something' is harder than 'doing nothing' but I digress.

Killer whales travel in groups called "Pods". Pods take care of each other, like families. Sometimes though, some killer whales think that they're better off on their own, and they leave the pod. The stronger whales survive on their own, and possibly join another pod later in life, others have more trouble and struggle to make ends meet. Sometimes these whales turn to prostitution and porn. See below for a scene from the well known orca porn flick, "Free my Willie, bitch"

In conclusion, Killer Whales are pretty cool, considering the fact that they're really dolphins and sometimes resort to interspecies pornography. Maybe we shouldn't capture them and keep them locked up in a little pen, but then again, maybe we should, who knows, I haven't really thought about it.

People are idiots

2007-06-20T23:43:00.000-04:00

With the exception of you, my fine readers, people are idiots.

I think these people should be shot.

The fact that people think it's a good idea to weave in and out of traffic, and then cause an accident that kills someone is so incredibly selfish that I seriously hope someone runs them over. Unfortunately, I imagine they'll just get a slap on the wrist and then have some kids who will one day follow in daddy's footsteps and do something stupid. I say, stop the chain now.

And, read this. This story makes absolutely no sense and I have a hard time believing it's true. An angry mob in Texas beats a man to death because he hit a kid in his car (and didn't even kill them)? In Texas, why would they waste their time beating a guy to death when they can just shoot him? Better question, why didn't the guy who was getting the beating just shoot the attackers? This story asks more questions than it answers.

I also think that we should cane people who break the law. Seriously. If there's a rule that says not to do something (like littering and speeding through stop signs) and you make the conscious decision to do it anyways, if you get caught, I say that you deserve a caning. The next time you think about littering, maybe you'll think twice after you recal the sting of the cane from the first time. There'd be no appeals either. Police officer sees you litter, BAM, consider yourself caned. What? You didn't do it? Oh well, mistakes are made, you'll get over it. I suppose the only drawback would be that the police officer would have to refrain from letting that 'power' get to his/her head, as they could technically just go around accusing people of things and then cane them. I'd have to either think of a way to prevent that, or, if I can't, I'd probably just end up becoming a police officer.

Cartoons are Kinda Stupid

2007-06-14T23:54:00.000-04:00

I was watching the Road Runner the other day and it kind of bothered me that it didn't make a lot of sense. The coyote (the one on the right in the picture) tried to get the bird (on the left) with catapults about 10 times, and guess what? They didn't work! Then (this is where it got annoying) he bought some ACME steroids and they made his legs HUGE, which, in turn, allowed them to become wheels which allowed him to run real fast. He then chased that bird around and came REALLY close but then one of his previous failed traps (not involving a catapult) sprung on him and smashed him. Now, you'd think that, because he came so close with the steroids, and it was really a fluke that his own damn trap caught him, he'd rethink it and try again - BUT NO! He went back to the damn catapults that didn't come anywhere near as close! What a retard.

The Imperial Buffet

2007-06-04T06:28:00.000-04:00

"Confucius say, consolidate rather than expand business projects in the near future. Lucky numbers 1, 10, 12, 29, 38, 45"

Paul say, maybe I should consolidate rather than expand, but Confuscius don't know shit about picking lottery numbers.

Anyway, every time we go to one of those chinese buffets, all I can think about is, "Wow, these people are fat!" Then I think, they probably looked like me, until the they were gripped by the unshakeable claws of all-you-can-eat chicken balls and deep fried wontons. Then I just want to leave before I instantly gain 100 pounds and have fat hanging over my belt. I know the bible says, "Judge not, lest ye be judged" but I can't help it. Just because you can eat 4 plates of General Tao's chicken, doesn't mean you should. Show some restraint people! Also, a plate of fruit isn't really a plate of fruit when you dunk it under the chocolate fountain.

Reality Show Update!

2007-05-23T22:43:00.000-04:00

Yes, I'm sure you've all been waiting for my reality show update, so here it is.

Survivor.

I picked Earl, and he won. I rule.

The Amazing Race.

I picked Dustin and Kandice, and they didn't win. They came in second. I was close. I rock.

The Apprentice.

I picked Stefani, and she won. I rule.

American Idol.

I picked Blake, and he lost. He did finish second though. I rock.

America's Next Top Model.

I picked Dionne, and she lost. I don't even know where she finished. It was a while ago. I think the hispanic woman won.

The Pussycat Dolls.

I don't really care who won this, but my picks didn't win. Does it really matter if there is one more skanky woman in that group? I'd say no.

Dancing With The Stars.

I picked the guy from N'Sync, and he lost. He did finish second though, which is pretty good. I rock.

Now there's nothing on tv to watch (at least until the next wave of crappy reality shows starts) so maybe I'll update more.

2 weeks!!

2007-05-14T21:46:00.000-04:00

It's been 2 weeks since I updated, and for that, I guess I'm sorry. I bet you thought I'd been attacked by a tiger, but, no, it was this person.

Some people come up to me and say, they say, "Paul, how do you do it? How is it that week after week, you aren't attacked by a tiger?" To them, I typically respond, "It's a secret, but for a price, that secret can be revealed." Once they pay me I tell them that it's really no secret, and that all you have to do is not go near any, or dangle limbs near cages with openings big enough for a tiger's paw. More often than not they're not satisfied with that response and want their money back, but typically by that time I've run off.

Paul's Book Club (not to be confused with Oprah's)

2007-04-30T20:22:00.000-04:00

This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club, don't read this book!

Well, it has been a while since I announced my last book club selection, and for that I apologize. I hope nobody went and did something silly like read something.

The next book in my club is "Madame Bovary" by Gustave Flaubert.
Now this book is a little different than some of my other selections. I know absolutely nothing about this book/story (other than the fact that I don't want to read it.) I basically chose this book because "Bovary" sounds like "Ovary" which makes me laugh. Couldn't Gustave Flaubert have come up with a better name than "Bovary"?? Like maybe "Madame Ballopian Tube" or "Madame Blabia". Madame Blabia is a good name, no? Madame Bervix?

Sometimes I think "Maybe I'm missing out on some great works of fiction by not reading these books." Madame Bovary has some "Modern Critical Comments" at the back, that, maybe if I read them, they'd spark some interest in actually reading the book, and maybe, just maybe, I'd enjoy it and learn something. Unfortunately, I'm going to remain true to my book club and not read them. What kind of book club would I be hosting if I went and read stuff?

The next book in my book club is Madame Bovary. Join my club and don't read it.

Playing Cards

2007-04-26T22:48:00.000-04:00

I bet if you had a deck of cards with dinosaurs on them you'd think that Tyrannosaurus Rex would be the ace of spades. Well, if you thought that, you'd be wrong.

"Fun" with Movie Plot Key Words

2007-04-17T19:47:00.000-04:00

1 English Teacher, Graphic Violence, Rescue
2 Janitor, Television Station, Severed Thumb
3 Entrepreneur, Genocide, Compassion
4 Island, DNA, Eaten Alive
5 Park Bench, Vietnam, Table Tennis
6 Bitterness, Tango, Blind
7 Briefcase, Toilet, Idiot
8 Forbidden love, breasts, iceberg
9 New York City, Hearse, Marshmallow
10 Sex Appeal, Semi-Autobiographical, Music Business.

Free Speech and Don Imus (and Guns)

2007-04-16T19:48:00.000-04:00

I don't get it. Why is it that Americans (fine, I'm generalizing) will stand behind their Bill of Rights and all the amendments when it suits them (ie they want to buy a gun) but they'll lynch Don Imus for exercising his first amendment rights? I don't watch Don Imus, and I doubt I could pick him out of a line, but shouldn't he have the right to state his opinion of a basketball team? Even if it's an offensive ignorant one? Isn't that what free speech is all about?

I haven't really studied the first amendment (nor will I ever) but I don't think it says that you have the freedom to say whatever you want as long as you don't offend anyone. Ultimately, being Canadian, I don't really care, I just think it's interesting that Americans claim to have the right to free speech when in reality they don't.

*Update - Maybe the government hasn't censored Don Imus, so maybe he still does technically have 'freedom of speech' but there is a huge outcry from the American public over something he said. Maybe the government hasn't censored him, but the public has, which leads me back to the point about Americans standing behind their Bill of Rights when it suits them.

In other news...

Some nut-job with a gun(s) walked onto a campus at Virginia Tech and shot a bunch of people. Some news station (MSNBC or CNN) said they got an email from someone saying something along the lines of - if more people exercised their right to bear arms then fewer people would have died (because the student writing their exam would have reached into their sock-holster and BAM! Problem solved.) Then, when that guy becomes a hero, we'd have a bunch of trigger happy wannabe hero nutcases shooting people on campus.

Gun toting student 1 - "Are you copying my paper?!"
Gun toting student 2 - "Ummmm, No..."
BANG!
Gun toting student 1 - "Ooops, he's not even in my class. My bad"
Gun toting student 3 - "Did you just shoot that guy who was copying my paper?! I was going to do it..."
BANG!
Gun toting student 4 - "That guy hitting on my girlfriend looks like a terrorist."
BANG!

Why is it so damn important to carry a gun? The main reason IS TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM SOME OTHER KOOK WITH A GUN.

Why do they have a gun?

BECAUSE YOU'VE CONVINCED THEM THAT THEY NEED IT TO PROTECT THEMSELVES FROM A THREAT THAT ISN'T THERE.

STOP IT.

NOBODY IS AFTER YOU.

The media is going to spread fear too. Universities aren't safe! Don't go there!

Maybe they're right. I just thought of something, I spent 5 years at a University and I wasn't shot once. Want to know the secret? Well, send me $10 and I'll send you my protection against gun toting nut-jobs. (All sales final. Product only 99.999% effective.)

A Confession

2007-04-05T18:13:00.000-04:00

My girlfriend and I watch reality tv. A lot of reality tv. "Why?" you may ask - I'm not sure. Having said that, here's what I think about reality tv right now.

Earl

Earl will win survivor. He seems to be most level-headed one on that show. I like Yau Man too, but he's too old and he'll be screwed later on.

Dustin and Kandice

Dustin and Kandice will win the Amazing Race All Stars. I kind of like Charla and Mirna, but one's a big bitch and the other is a midget, and I think those 2 things combined will cause them grief later on.

Stefani

Stefani will win the Apprentice. She's the most professional one left. The rest of them make me think I should be running my own company somewhere. If you can be a successful business owner and be a retard who can't run PowerPoint, then I think I'm in the wrong profession.

Blake

Blake will win American Idol. He's the only one who is talented and can make a song sound like it was sung in 2007. The 2 super talented black women are about 40 years too late to win I think. I don't think they're singing to the right audience and I don't think they'd sell any albums to anyone who watches that show.

Dionne

Dionne will win America's Next Top Model. She's not a bitch and a white girl won the last time, so it's time for a black model to win.

~~Anastacia~~

Melissa R

~~Anastacia~~ Melissa R will be the next Pussy Cat Doll. This show kind of confuses me though because they have all these women who can sing and dance competing to be in a group where you don't need to do either. Only one Pussy Cat Doll can sing, and the 'dancing' is questionable. The rest just act like strippers. Finally, there are 6 Pussy Cat Dolls, 1 who sings, and the rest just prance around in skimpy outfits. The new one is going to be more famous (and talented) than the existing 5 background singers, which will probably just cause a bunch of infighting within the group. Maybe some hair pulling and girly shoving all the while wearing skin tight shorts and sports bras. Where was I again? Oh yeah, this show rules.

These 2 idiots.

These 2 will win Dancing with the Stars. First of all, he was in a boy band where he danced a lot. Probably unfair to the rest of the chumps on the show because he has some dancing background. AND he has 2 legs, which is a pretty big advantage. I really struggle with watching this show because it's just so bad. It's also funny that his name is Fatone. Ha. Fat One. Justin Timberlake is a huge mega star and the Fat One is dressing like Obi Wan on Dancing with the Stars. Someone should fire their agent.

There you have it. My thoughts on reality tv.

Forget about hailing the Jesus Chimp

2007-04-03T17:19:00.000-04:00

It turns out that the Jesus Chimp is no more than a run-of-the-mill shit throwing monkey. I'm so disappointed.

Are you too dumb to breathe?

2007-03-28T20:27:00.000-04:00

A few days ago I had the unfortunate opportunity to watch the last 10 minutes of the train wreck that is "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"

I don't get it.

I really, really don't get it. For $150 000, the question was, get this, how many months have 31 days? Hmmmmm, that's a tough one. Don't know off the top of your head? Well then count them! Who doesn't know this? She eventually said 7 (which is correct if you know anything about the months of the year). The worst part was the suspense that they tried to produce. It's not suspenseful if you're not a complete moron. Is the answer 7? Well, we'll find out after the break! (audience sighs and contestant gets all nervous). COME ON! It's like saying, "What's 2+2?" Ummm, I think it's 4. Well, we'll find out after the break! Fuck the break, the answer is 4. The $300 000 question was, "What continent is also a country". Her confused response was, "They all are". Of course she took the money so it didn't really matter that not all continents are also countries.

My 2 biggest issues with this are

1) she didn't know that Australia is a country and a continent and
2) she didn't have enough of a grasp of the English language to even understand the question.

If it had been on Saturday Night Live as a sketch it wouldn't have been funny because it's just too dumb.

The fact that this is a tv show that people watch makes me sad. I have to say that
a) giving someone $150 000 for knowing something that a retarded child knows and
b) being entertained by this show

is kind of pathetic. I'm sure they discriminate against smart people which isn't fair. Why shouldn't I get half a million dollars for knowing a very small amount about a country I don't live in? Seriously. I might be living in a bit of a bubble here, but there are some things that people should just know. There should NEVER be ANYONE who is of sound mind who gets the question about the months wrong. There's just no excuse. If you're reading this and you don't have the capability of determining how many months have 31 days, then you should take a good long look at yourself and ask what exactly you're contributing to society.

On a lighter note, I've been blogging for 3 years. 3 years! That's about 2.9 years longer than I thought I'd last. I guess I enjoy it. Thanks for reading.

A Report on Tigers

2007-03-24T10:43:00.000-04:00

Inspired by Lisa's report on owls, I decided to report on tigers.

Tigers are cats. Some people say that curiosity killed the cat, but that's not true - it's really poachers. "Poachers killed the cat" isn't really a good saying, nor does it teach us any life lessons so you don't hear it often. The majority of the world's tigers now live in captivity. Many people believe that it's due to the aforementioned poaching and destruction of habitat, but the truth is, tigers are just lazy and would rather have someone else take care of them.

Tigers eat meat. Some animals that tigers like to eat are deer, wild boar, wild cattle, young rhinos and young elephants, and sometimes, even leopards, bears and Roy Horn. Tigers have been known to kill crocodiles on occasion. Of course they don't eat them, they typically just use the feet for ashtrays.

The word "tiger" is borrowed from the Greek word "tigris", which means "big cat not a lion". Greeks only thought there were 2 kinds of big cats. It's reported that when the Greeks found out about leopards they said, "fuck!" The word "leopard" is from the Greek "leopari" which means, "There'd better not be any more big cats". I won't even tell you where the word 'cheetah' comes from.

Some people think that sitting on top of an elephant is an easy way to avoid being attacked by a tiger. It's not. I've never sat on an elephant, and I've never been attacked by a tiger. Other notable people who haven't sat on elephants, and thus haven't ever been attacked by tigers are Wayne Gretzky, Tom Hanks and Heather Mills. Some people think that Heather Mills had her leg chewed off by a tiger, but they're wrong.

To summarize, tigers are cats and the ancient Greeks were pretty ignorant when it came to zoology. Sitting on an elephant is a sure way to be attacked by a tiger so I don't recommend you do it.

A True Story

2007-03-20T17:08:00.000-04:00

It was a day like any other. The dam was intact with no indication of a breach. Life carried on as usual - or so it seemed. It started with a little rumbling. Not really even noticeable or even unexpected. It creaked and groaned occasionally, but that was no cause for alarm. It's a complex system with different stresses and strains, you can only expect a little rumble now and again. This rumble though, this rumble was the start of something a little more 'serious'. The exact cause (or root cause if you will) of the event is still not known, but on that fateful day, the dam could hold no more, and what happened next, was inevitable. It started out with a couple bursts of fluid and a whole lot of rumbling. Some of hte pressure was relieved, but there was more to come. Workers, flushed pink little workers tried diligently to stop the flood, but their 'fix' was only temporary. At times they were successful and the situation stabilized, but the next day, the dam would breach again, and the fluid and rumbling would continue.

I think I have the stomach flu.

Dinosaurs in the Bible.

2007-03-11T13:30:00.000-04:00

Samara's post from last week got me thinking about dinosaurs in the bible, and, because dinosaurs existed back then (it says so in the bible) I thought I'd do a little research of my own. Inspired by the DaVinci Code, I thought that a good place to start my search would be The Last Supper. Now, where would one look first you may ask? Well, since there are 12 disciples, that would seem to be the obvious starting point. Now, which disciple might be a dinosaur? Well, again, Judas betrayed Jesus, and I imagine dinosaurs would betray people before people would (by "betray" I mean, "kill and eat") so I started there. Now, here's the exciting part. If you zoom in on Judas, this is what you see!

Now, it's a little hard to see, becasue that painting is so old, but, if I'm not mistaken, Judas looks like he might have been a velociraptor. Why would Jesus trust a velociraptor you may ask? Well, Jesus pretty much trusted everyone which might have been his problem. Anyways, there are other clues to this fact as well. See below.

If you look at the angle between Jesus and John (or Mary, but I'm not going to get into that, as neither of them were dinosaurs) it makes the shape of a "v". "V" is for "Velociraptor" and that, my friends, is all the proof I need. Just for kicks, I searched the bible for references to Judas, and astonishingly, this is what I found.

Mark 14:10 says, "Then Judas Iscariot, who was one of the twelve, went to the chief priests in order to betray him to them. " Now, I don't know what "Iscariot" means, but I'm assuming it has something to do with being a dinosaur.

Mark 14:43 says, "And immediately, while he was still speaking, Judas came, one of the twelve, and with him a crowd with swords..." The term 'swords' in this passage is obviously referring to the sickle shaped claw that the velociraptor sported on its feet.

I honestly thought I'd have more trouble proving the dinosaur theory, but, if something's true, then it's true, and uncovering that truth really shouldn't be all that difficult.

All Hail the Jesus Chimp

2007-02-20T23:11:00.000-05:00

This story is a little old, so if you haven't read it, here it is.

An immaculately conceived chimp! How exciting! They say that they're going to do some DNA testing to see which of the chimp vasectomies didn't work, but I say, forget all that science crap - it's obvious who the father is. It's God, or, maybe the chimp version of God (which, if true, would mean that there were in fact at least 2 Gods, and I'm pretty sure that the Bible doesn't say anything about that.) I suppose though, that maybe there is a chimp God, and maybe we are wrong about evolution, every animal may have its own God, and we didn't really evolve at all. Or maybe we're just some basic science project from some higher power. Our genetic material is very similar to chimps, so maybe the chimp God just copied the real God, changed a few genes around and then passed it off as his own.

Chimp God - "Shit, is that project due today?"
God - "Ummm, yeah, and it's worth 25% of our total mark. I made something I call 'humans'. See? I built them out of building blocks I call DNA. Pretty cool huh?"

Chimp God is frantically trying to write all this down.

God - "They run around alot, don't really do what you ask them too, and, if left alone, they either steal each others stuff, or kill each other. They're kind of messed up actually. I didn't really work too hard on this project. What did you do?"

Chimp God - "Ummmm, I made something I call "chimps". Yeah, chimps."

God - "They look a lot like humans. You didn't just copy me, did you?"

Chimp God - "Ummm, no, see? Chimps run around aimlessly, play with themselves and throw their feces."

God - "So you did copy me!"

The Jesus chimp's mother is pictured here.

Random thoughts at work

2007-02-14T20:30:00.000-05:00

You can fight all you want to climb to the top of a pile of shit, but when all is said and done, if you're successful, all you're doing is standing on the top of a pile of shit.

Mexico was nice, and, believe it or not, I didn't get killed. We must have been successful hiding the fact that we're Canadians. Be warned Canada, Mexicans are out to get you. Especially if you're not looking when you're crossing the road. They just wait for stuff like that. I also heard that sometimes Canadians who aren't paying attention get hit by cars in, get this, Canada! Do you know what that means? That's right, THE MEXICANS ARE COMING TO GET US HERE. IN CANADA! Those wily Mexicans. They're talking about a travel advisory for Mexico, but I think we should take it one step further and not even go outside.

Here's a picture of a whale. I now understand why some whales are endangered species. Seeing something as majestic as a huge whale jumping out of the water just makes me want to grab a harpoon and start killing. You just know they're up to something. I feel threatened by things I don't understand and figure it's better them than me. If that weren't enough, these aren't just any whales, they're Mexican whales.

I'll Be Thinking of You, Down in Mexico

2007-01-29T22:43:00.000-05:00

It's Oscar time, which means there are a lot of movies to be watched. Why do I have to wait until Oscar nominations to see movies you ask? Well, how else am I supposed to know which movies are good? Or, even more importantly, how else am I supposed to know which movies to like? Base it on my own objective opinions you say? Nah, it's much easier just to have someone else tell me.

Blood Diamond

This movie, more than any other movie ever, has really made me want to quit my job to go to Africa to smuggle diamonds. What a glamourous lifestyle. Guns, money and hot babes - what more can you ask for?

Letters From Iwo Jima

This movie, more than any other movie ever, has really made me want to quit my job to join the army. Shooting guns and digging holes on a warm sunny island somewhere in the south Pacific, with none of the stresses of office work? Sign me up.

Last King of Scotland

This movie, more than any other movie ever, has really made me want to quit my job to become the ruthless, psycho president of some third world country. Money, guns, booze and women, and you get to kill people you don't like? What's not appealing about that?

I may have missed the point on some of these movies, but if I've learned anything, I think it's that I need a new job.

Now, because I haven't updated in so long, I figure that I'll write one of those long blog posts that people look at and think, "Damn, this is too long, I'm not going to read it." I know you think that, because, well, that's what I think when I see a long post. Posts where you have to scroll down to read the whole thing are too long.

I'm going to Mexico next week. I'm going to watch whales. I've always liked whales, which might explain why my favourite book is Moby Dick. Anyways, if all goes as planned, this is what I'll be watching next week. Seriously though, Jessica Alba would be hotter if she'd gain a few pounds. She's looking a little skinny. Eat dammit!

Anyways, I think I'm off until after I get back. Hopefully I'll have many an amusing story about whales, and no amusing stories about explosive diarhhea and food poisoning.

Conjoined Twins.

2007-01-13T22:02:00.000-05:00

I was watching a show on the Learning Channel and it was about conjoined twins. Specifically, these twins. Now, I'll be honest, my first response to seeing this was to laugh and think, what a freak! (You did too, don't lie) But really, they're quite remarkable. They each control one arm and one leg, and they do things like sports, piano, and typing on the computer. How can you type with 2 hands when you don't know what the other hand is doing? Even walking would require co-ordinating your steps with someone else who you don't control. It's crazy! They drive as well! Anyways, I just thought it was interesting that there's a 2 headed girl out there. I also thought that it would be interesting if that conjoined twin had a kid (with one head) but didn't let the kid out into the world until they were about 15, so for 15 years the one headed kid would be thinking that they were the different ones. Imagine the look on their face when they see all the other one headed people out there! Classic.

It has been a while

2007-01-05T17:28:00.000-05:00

And it'll be a while longer. I was all psyched to write a post, but then I got distracted, and now I'm leaving. I will post later.

Merry Christmas

2006-12-24T13:25:00.000-05:00

Worst Song Ever

2006-12-19T20:15:00.000-05:00

The Christmas Shoes

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood.
(maybe if you didn't wait until the last second to buy stuff you'd be in a better mood, dipshit)
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing 'round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes.

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say,
(I could believe it. What do you expect from a dirty looking kid in a store? Do you honestly think he has money? I'd just go to another line, as you know it's going to take a while.

Chorus:
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
Did you ever think that it might make her smile more if you were physically there when she died? Maybe she was so sad that you weren't there that she died of a broken heart...
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.
What the hell?! Why is Daddy letting you run around by yourself? Where is Daddy? His name isn't K-Fed is it? Jesus is probably the name of the pool boy that mom is screwing on the side anyways.
Mom - I want to look good for Jesus tonight!
Kid - Why Mommy, are you sick??
Mom - Ummmm yeah, sick. Sick of your father...
Kid - What?
Mom - Nothing.

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
See?? Should have gone to another line.
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
Don't look at me, kid. I'm not a charity.
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes.
You should have thought about that before you tried to buy something with no money. Grown ups trade money for goods and/or services, so I suggest you either go ask your father for the money, or maybe get a job.

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
What? What does that teach the kid?
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama's gonna look so great.
Unless it's an open casket, it doesn't really matter

Bridge:
I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
By using a poor kid and his dying mother to remind you that you shouldn't be an asshole while you're in line buying an ipod and PSP3 that you really don't need? Heaven's love indeed. Why doesn't heaven love the poor kid with the sick mother?
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about

And what exactly did it teach you about Christmas? Some poor kid, with no money has a sick and dying mother and you buy him a pair of shoes and then feel good about yourself? What a great story! What about the kid? What does he learn about God's love? God doesn't love poor kids who beg for shoes. He only kills their mothers? Plus, Christmas is about the birth of Jesus, which, if I'm not mistaken, isn't mentioned in this song.

The choir of little kids singing at the end is really too much too. Fuck this song sucks.

Light my ass.

2006-12-12T18:40:00.000-05:00

Here you have hot chocolate. Mmmmm, so tasty.

What's that you say? "It tastes good, but think of all the calories?! Why can't they make a light hot chocolate?"

Well, fret no more, those crazy scientists did it! That's right, there does indeed exist a light hot chocolate!

Now, how many high-priced chemist-type people do you think it took to come up with a light hot chocolate? (The light one is on the left - WOW HALF the calories!)

President - How will we ever reduce the calories by half?! It can't be done! It just can't be done!

VP - Why don't they just put half as much powder in each pouch?

President - That's just crazy enough to work!

Fuck off President's Choice. It's just half the amount of regular hot chocolate (with less sugar, which I'm sure will make it taste like crap).

Huh?

2006-12-05T07:35:00.000-05:00

New chewable birth control pill aims to combat preteen pregnancy.

Like they can't swallow.

Christmas at Walmart

2006-11-26T14:50:00.000-05:00

Britney/OJ Sex Tape

2006-11-20T18:57:00.000-05:00

It's funny that Lisa brought up an OJ Simpson/Britney Spears sex tape in her comment on the last post, because I have actually seen this tape and I just happen to have some stills.

Here's the cover.

After all that, it ends with OJ yelling, "Here comes the Juice! Here comes the Juice!"

And, of course, he kills her and runs away.

OJ Simpson - "If I Did It"

2006-11-17T20:46:00.000-05:00

Or, the alternate titles, "How I Killed Your Mom", or, "I'm a Big Selfish Asshole Who Got Away With Murder".

This to me is the most abhorrent thing for someone to do (even worse than K-Fed blackmailing Britney with a sex tape). If I'd written the book, it would be in poor taste, but the guy who everyone thinks did it anyways, and whose own children's mother is the victim who he is going to describe murdering makes it so much worse. Having said that, if I were going to write an account of "If I'd Murdered Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman" it'd go a lttle something like this -

Paul (on the phone) - "Hello, is there an OJ Simpson there please?"
OJ - "Yes, this is OJ"
Paul - "Hey OJ, if I give you 50 bucks, will you murder your ex-wife and her friend?"
OJ - "Yeah, sure. I was thinking about doing it anyways."
Paul - "Cool, thanks."

I'm not sure there's enough there for an entire book though, but I think I could expand it a little and maybe throw in some pictures.

Britney Spears Sex Video

2006-11-14T20:19:00.000-05:00

Apparently Britney and K-Fed made a sex tape and now he's blackmailing her with it. He's such a kind and caring parent. (Question: Who has custody of his kids from his previous relationship? Answer: Some poor woman who isn't Britney Spears.)

K-Fed - "Hey Britney, you work that mic nice, want to make a sex tape?"
Brit - "Let me get this straight, you're asking me, Britney Spears, a super celebrity with legions of young fans, who is constantly scrutinized by the media to have sex with you and tape it?"
K-Fed - "That's right baby"
Brit - "Ok, sure."
K-Fed - "Alright, on the floor, and move it real fast.
I want to see your kitty and a little bit of titty."
Brit - "Oh K-Fed, you're such a poet!"
K-Fed - "Hey, you're right, give me a sec to write that down."

Public Service Announcement

2006-11-11T13:18:00.000-05:00

Old News

2006-11-09T18:02:00.000-05:00

Let's just call this post, "Old News". What's old news you ask? Well, did you hear that Britney Spears has filed for divorce? If you're sitting there thinking to yourself, "Hmmm, I really hadn't heard that", then you're a dirty filthy liar. I was going to then ask a question about some other potentially relevant global issue that nobody knows much about, but I don't know of any. I've been too busy watching America's Next Top Model to keep up to date on stuff that isn't really important. Maybe if parliament had amusing contests were wannabe models dressed up in skimpy swimsuits and the UN gave away $1000000 for 'surviving' in some third world country I'd be more interested.

Person 1 - "Did you hear that they passed a new law that states ... (by now I've stopped listening)"
Me - "Does it affect my ability to watch brainless crap on tv??"
Person 1 - "No"
Me - "Can you believe that they kicked the Indian girl off? That's crazy!"

Where was I?? Oh yeah, Britney Spears is getting divorced. Speaking of kicking unwanted crap to the curb, does anyone know how to get the stink out of a counter-top composter? Mine stinks.

Noel Gallagher Unplugged

2006-11-06T21:00:00.000-05:00

In Toronto, on Tuesday November 7, and I'd kill to go, but, since I'm not willing to pay $1000 on eBay for tickets, I'm stuck listening to it on the radio. It's pretty cool that they're broadcasting it. 9 EST if anyone cares.

Huh?

2006-11-02T16:37:00.000-05:00

I've noticed on some people's blogs a link to a site where you can buy 'stuff' that, I suppose, is somewhat related to their blog. A good example is this one. Now, I have a problem with this for a couple of reasons. The first is, why does this individual think that I (or anyone else) should have to (or wants to) pay their hard earned money for a shirt, or coaster, or any other piece of, well, crap that has their name/picture on it. I mean, I'm not going to spend money on a piece of crap that has Jessica Alba or Kate Beckinsale on it, and they're famous and recognizable. My second (lesser) problem is that someone has enough disposable income to buy this stuff. There must be a market for it, else it wouldn't exist. Now, granted, nobody is forcing anyone to buy it, but, just offering it seems a bit self-important, does it not?

Having said all that, if anyone wants to wear a shirt with my blog title spewed across it, not only will I create this shirt, I'll mail it to you. For the low, low cost of sending me a picture of you wearing it.

My shirt would look like this -

Of course, I don't really expect anyone to want this shirt, nor would I expect anyone to pay for it, as, it's a crappy shirt with a blog title on it that nobody reads. I imagine it would cost about $20 each to make and ship them, so I hope nobody wants them.

Happy "Dress Like a Hooker" day!

2006-10-30T20:38:00.000-05:00

Person 1 - "Hey there, nice bear costume."
Woman wearing lion costume - "It's not a bear!"
Person 1 - "Oh, sorry, nice hooker costume"

Person 1 - "Let me guess, you're dressed up like a hooker?"
Woman in mountie costume - "No, I'm a Canadian Mountie"
Person 1 - "What a coincidence, I'm a Canadian Mounter"
Woman in mountie costume - "Huh?"
Person 1 - "Nevermind, here, have another drink."

Person 1 - "What are you supposed to be?"
Woman in cat costume - "Can't you tell?"
Person 1 - "Well, judging by the rainbow coloured stripes, the leggings, and the short skirt, I'd say you were a stripper. Or a hooker, it could go either way."

Did you ever wonder

2006-10-28T14:29:00.000-04:00

What happens when you stand behind a horse you're branding?

Tooth Fairy (spoiler alert!!)

2006-10-19T22:23:00.000-04:00

I was reading Cindy's blog post about the tooth fairy and I recall that I had to get some teeth pulled when I was a kid. That very night I saw a $2 bill on the kitchen table before I went to bed, which seemed odd. So, I wrote the serial number down on a piece of paper, and then, the next morning I checked the serial number on the $2 bill that magically found its way under my pillow with the number on the piece of paper and lo-and-behold, they matched, thus proving that the tooth fairy doesn't exist! I was smart enough to know that no two bills had the same serial number, yet too dumb to know that there isn't some magical 'fairy' who gives kids money for teeth.

Paul's Book Club (not to be confused with Oprah's)

2006-10-12T21:28:00.000-04:00

This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club, don't read this book!

Well, it's been a while since my last book club selection (see sidebar), so I hope nobody did anything dumb and read Dances with Wolves.

The next book in my club is "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" by Lynne Truss.

This book is all about punctuation and how a simple comma can change the meaning of a sentence. For example, "Eats, shoots and leaves" means someone eats, then shoots someone and then leaves, which might be a good book (nah, I still wouldn't read it). "Eats shoots and leaves" is what pandas do, and quite frankly, I don't really care what pandas do (unless it's an amusing trick for my own personal amusement).

People, in general, I find, can't spell or use the correct punctuation, and they still get by, and probably make more money than I do, so picking apart someone's poor grammar is futile and frustrating. I'd rather not know that some idiot lawyer, or doctor doesn't know when to use an apostrophe or when to use it's or its. I don't know when to use a semicolon, and dammit, I don't care. I say, just use a damn period. People will know what you mean.

Anyways, join my club, don't read this book.

Thanksgiving.

2006-10-10T22:37:00.000-04:00

Hmmm, what did I do you ask? Well, not much. I did however, make the second annual trek to pay tribute to the Jesus rock. It's still there, and it still looks nothing like Jesus (or at least nothing like how I think Jesus would look (ie. not covered in moss)). He's kind of a Chia Jesus. Just slap the chia seeds on Chia Jesus and watch the miracle that is life. All praise Chia Jesus!

I guess that's it. I will promise to update more, I've just been busy, yeah, busy. Busy being thankful for things, things like the Jesus rock, and play off baseball, and other crap that I won't bore you with.

Listen....

2006-10-02T23:29:00.000-04:00

Do you hear that?

I think that's the sound of a blog dying.

No, wait, it's that Nickelback cd I bought.

Nevermind.

Discrimination!!

2006-09-23T14:58:00.000-04:00

Well, it seems that 2 girls in Winnipeg who wanted to play on the boys' hockey team have won their human rights complaint and are now eligible, I suppose, to at least try out for the boys team.

Now, this is interesting, because, if preventing women from playing on a men's team is discrimintation based on sex, then preventing men from playing on the women's team would be as well. (That reminds me of that episode of "Diff'rent Strokes" when Willis was one of the contestants for the prom queen because he claimed it was discriminatory, and of course he won because all the men voted for him, while the women's votes were split 3 ways!! Damn, that show was ahead of its time.) Anyways, they claim that the women's team was terrible so they didn't want to play with them, but now, it seems that they've opened the door for boys who don't make the mens team to try out for the women's team. And, because they can't discriminate based on sex, the boys are likely better than the girls (IF THE STORY IS CORRECT AND SOME OF THE GIRLS CAN'T EVEN SKATE) and the girls team may be filled with boys. That will basically ruin the program, and no women hockey players will develop at all. Isn't that kind of counter productive in terms of women's hockey? I imagine that not many boys would want to play on a women's team, but who knows? Maybe they should do it just to make a point. Seems to me that they're moving towards just having teams and allowing everyone to sign-up, which is fine, unless you want to develop woman hockey players.

It would really be funny if the 2 girls who started all this didn't make the "men's" team OR the "woman's" team because they just weren't good enough. Some people....always wanting more.

Special Features 4

2006-09-16T11:31:00.000-04:00

Well, it's time for another sneak peek at some of the special features that you'll get when you join my exclusive blog club.

You'll get behind the scenes footage of me actually writing blog posts. (In front of a live studio audience no less!)

It does a lot for your self esteem, unless they follow you to the driving range/batting cages.

Those jerks.

And, you'll see me attempt to beat the world record for solving the rubik's cube blind-folded.

All this extra material totally justifies the price. Don't delay, join today!

I am a Winner.

2006-09-14T21:31:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure why I don't want to post my last name, maybe it's to prevent the stalkers and identity theives from finding me. ANYWAYS, I actually won a photo contest. I'm pretty proud of it if I may say so myself. I might actually have thought of a title if I'd thought I'd win. Something like "Tree" or "Field" or "Tree in Field", something meaningful like that.

Week in Review

2006-09-10T23:10:00.000-04:00

Blah blah blah Steve Irwin. Blah blah blah Natascha Kampusch. Blah blah blah blah blah! Blah blah blah September 11. Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah Maria Sharapova? Yes. Blah blah blah!

Rubik's Cube Blindfolded.

2006-09-06T00:03:00.000-04:00

Check this out. It hurts my brain to think that someone can do this. Unless, of course, he's cheating.

Drive home from Cottage

2006-09-04T22:38:00.000-04:00

Just in case you were wondering what it's like to drive home from the cottage for multiple hours, here it is.

I wish it took longer...

Ikea- Swedish for "Show me your Penis"

2006-08-29T23:09:00.000-04:00

If you haven't heard, there's some controversy over the fact that there's a dog in the new Ikea catalogue that appears to be showing its penis. My question is this - why is this news? Ikea has had inappropriate pictures in their catalogues before. I looked through last year's catalogue and found these.

Damn, I must be half elephant.

What's that she's reading? That's right, it's Ikea's Big Book of Penises.

Even children love the porn.

It's not just Ikea either. I checked the Sears catalogue, and it was even more obvious.

Well, I guess what they say is true - nothing sells cheap furniture and women's pajamas like a nice big penis.

Watch this

2006-08-24T23:35:00.000-04:00

This guy is funny.

I'm sorry I haven't updated much (not sorry enough to update though! Ha!)

Anyways, sometimes I think of something to write, but then I never really sit down to do it, so it just sits in my head as an idea. Plus, Big Brother 7 is on 3 nights a week, so that really eats into my free time.

$5700? Now try listening

2006-08-20T19:01:00.000-04:00

I rarely buy lottery tickets. Basically, I think it's a waste of money. As Dave Letterman put it once, "You have about the same odds of winning whether you buy a ticket or not." (ie. zero). Anyways, when the prize gets 'big' (>$30 million) then, sometimes, if I think of it, I'll buy a few tickets, just in case.

My girlfriend mentioned it last weekend -

GF - "We should buy lottery tickets because the jackpot is $42 million."
Me - "Ummm, sure. I have an idea, instead of buying tickets, why don't you give me the $20 you'd spend on the tickets, then when you don't win, I'll give it back, and it'll be like you won $20!!"
GF - "Shut up"

Anyways, we were on our way home on the day of the draw and she said, "Oh, we should get lottery tickets!" so we stopped.

Whenever I've purchased tickets in the past, I've always picked the same numbers (quick pick is for chumps). 10 21 23 25 33 44.

What numbers came up you ask??

Well,

10

21

23

33

44

and

03

Damn you Vincent Damphousse. If only you'd worn number 03 in Montreal instead of 25 I'd be RICH. RICH!!!

I kind of feel bad for people who have spent tons of money over the years and never won anything, but that doesn't last too long before the thoughts of "what can I blow this money on?" take over.

It's for our own good!

2006-08-15T18:37:00.000-04:00

I think this is overkill though.

U.S. authorities banned the carrying of liquids onto flights after the arrest of 24 people in an alleged plot to blow up U.S.-bound planes using explosives disguised as drinks and other common products.

Note to self - design a bomb made from bras and t-shirts.

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!!! (aired July 22)

2006-08-14T18:33:00.000-04:00

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella appreciates the letters they get from fans. She especially likes the pictures of animals. Look! There’s a cute dog watching Jack on the tv. Dogs eat their own shit though, so I'm not sure of the point.

3 - 6:40 - Ok, here’s a long story, but I’ll try to condense it for you. Jack wanted to reach out to more people, so he decided that late night tv was the way to go. Who better to invite into heaven than the alcoholics and drug addicts who surely watch tv between 1 and 6 am? Anyways, Satan didn’t want Jack to expand his ministry, so he gave him cancer. THEN, after the cancer was “cured” he developed sepsis, which apparently kills you in 3 hours. To make a long story short, he didn’t die. Finally, Jack had really bad knee problems (undoubtedly from chronic over-genuflection) which prompted the need for a double knee replacement! Jack’s new chromium/cobalt knees will last him for the next 30 years he boasts. He had to learn to walk again even! What’s the moral of this story? Something about overcoming obstacles and survival through faith? Nope, it’s that God is a jerk for giving you cancer and putting you through hell, then, giving you sepsis and almost killing you, then, just for kicks, he takes out the knees. THEN, Jack is indirectly saying that the chromium knees are better than his God given knees, which surprises me, as usually stuff like that is Satan’s doing. Oh yeah, unless it benefits Jack, then it’s a miracle from God.

24:05 – Warren Buffett gave 37 billion dollars to charity and then said that it’s a great way to get to heaven. Well, according to Jack, it’s NOT a great way to get to heaven. Actually, if Jack has taught me anything, it’s that it’s a lot easier to get into heaven than donating 37 billion dollars. I say, blow that 37 billion on high priced call girls and booze, THEN, when all the fun is done, say a couple prayers and apologize. You really can’t lose. In all seriousness though, if The DaVinci Code is accurate and Jesus was a 'normal' man with a wife and kids, then I'm sure 37 billion dollars is more than enough to get you into heaven.

27:40 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! It’s called “Daniel: Final End Times - Mysteries Unsealed”. Apparently it’s $120 value for $49.99!! Rexella states that it’s a ‘must for every library interested in prophesy' (ie. Good luck finding this in any library.)

31:00 – Hey, they forgot to turn off the VCR. It’s the same VCR that I have, I think it’s a SONY.

Wikipedia

2006-08-11T01:08:00.000-04:00

I think Wikipedia is the greatest website ever.

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 8)

2006-08-06T19:43:00.000-04:00

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella talks about Superman’s return. What does Superman have to do with anything?? Well, I think he’s implying that Jesus is/was some sort of Superman, and that he’s about to return. I’m not sure I agree with that though, Superman was faster than a speeding bullet and could leap tall buildings in a single bound. Jesus wasn't even faster than the Romans, and he obviously couldn't leap over them either.

4:00 – Jack discusses the big GM buyout. 47000 workers were paid to leave. Why? Well, Jack lays the blame solely on YOU. Because you didn't buy a GM car. That and because they were making too much money, but, ultimately, it's your fault.

8:00 - Jack asks if a thief can get into heaven. Well, the answer is “yes”, provided that the thief repents and gives his heart to Jesus. Jack then gets upset about terrorism and murder and says that there is (or was, I’m a little confused) chaos in New Orleans, so much so that they had to call in the troops!! I have a question, since when did American troops prevent murder and killing? Anyways, Jack says that no murderer can enter the kingdom of heaven. Jesus says in Matthew 23 v33 “How shalt you escape the damnation of hell?” Well, I think I can answer that question. Just repent (or pretend to repent, you’ll be forgiven). Jack should listen to his own advice. Basically, it doesn’t matter how much you kill or steal, as long as you apologize before you die.

Wait a minute! Rexella just said, “Good to know, Jack, that we can be forgiven for cheating, too right?” Jack wasn’t talking about cheating, and why would she need THAT clarified? Interesting....

13:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! It’s called “Daniel: Final End Times - Mysteries Unsealed”. Apparently it’s a $120 value for $49.99!! The only way I can imagine that it’s actually worth $120 is if there is about $119.50 in one of the DVD cases. Anyways, Jack says, “Imagine, you can know every verse in all of the 12 chapters (of Daniel)” I have a cheaper way to know what Daniel has to say, maybe pick up a bible and read it.

15:00 – Oooh, the earth is getting hotter! It’s that damn global warming. Jack says that it’s a sign that Jesus is coming, I say it’s a sign that need air conditioning.

20:00 – Jack agrees with Stephen Hawking when he says that the only hope for the world is to start colonizing space. He says that because of the pestilences, the tsunamis, the earthquakes and world wars, we’re going to have to start putting cities in space. He’s an idiot though, because, you might not have tsunamis in space, you have other stuff, like asteroids, and, oh, here’s a good one, NO AIR.

Idiot.

Mock Boar if Vacant...

2006-08-01T19:55:00.000-04:00

On an unrelated note, it's hot here (by 'here' I mean Canada.) It's hot in Canada this week. I don't have air conditioning either, I just have 2 fans. 2 damn useless fans that don't really help much when it's so goddamn hot. It sucks when it's hot in Canada, the hockey rinks all melt and the igloos start to fall apart, and the polar bears migrate into the cities looking for shady places to rest. Screw you global warming.

Here's a vacation riddle. What's more disgusting than a huge giant spider that's the size of your hand? Give up? A huge giant spider the size of your hand with a bunch of babies!!!

Yech.

I also read a book. That's right, all that time away from tv and the internet forced me to read. It gave me a raging headache, but I read The DaVinci Code. I was going to include it as a book club book, except that I violated the first rule of my book club, which is of course, to not read the book. Anyways, it was ok I guess. I think it's only common sense to think that Jesus would have carnal knowledge of the ladies.

Hot babe - I'm so thirsty!
Jesus - Here, have some water.
Hot babe - Thanks. (drinks the water)
Jesus - Psyche! I just changed it to wine! Here, this is really water.
Hot babe drinks the water.
Jesus - Ha! Got you again!! That was wine too....you drunk yet?

After finishing it, I thought that my blog would be better if I incorporated some code to give it that air of mystery, but that would probably take too much effort, so I imagine that idea will be scrapped.

TENACIOUSLY, NOAH VOICED, "YUKON!"

I'm going away

2006-07-21T00:26:00.000-04:00

That's right, no new posts for over a week! That's not really much different than usual lately, so maybe you wouldn't even have known that I was gone. Regardless, I've saved you all from coming here until next Monday.

Have you ever gotten to a point in your blog where you think that more people should read it than actually do? But you don't really know how to get more traffic, and you're too lazy to figure it out? And then you see some really shitty blogs with lots and lots of traffic but minimal content? And then you think that maybe you should be spending your time in a more constructive manner? I'm pretty sure I'm at that point. I'm not going to quit though, I was just curious.

It's time I updated

2006-07-17T23:36:00.000-04:00

I was at the grocery store today and I came up with an idea that I'm sure everyone else has had at some point. Cart pushing should follow the same rules as driving a car. Here are the main ones.

3. Stay to the right
2. Signal your turns.
1. STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY.

Simple rules, yet, apparently, not so simple to follow.

What the.....

2006-07-12T23:23:00.000-04:00

THIS IS NOT HALF!! This is a new low with respect to shitty sub cutting. Just when you think the cut could not be worse, this is what you get. Never underestimate a grumpy unmotivated teenager's ability to cut a sub in two equal halves.

Special Features 3!!!

2006-07-06T12:00:00.000-04:00

Well, it's time for another sneak peek at some of the special features that you'll get when you join my exclusive blog club.

Here's a scene of me writing my soccer post.

Another common special feature on DVDs is the story board. Yeah, let's see some crappy drawings of some movie scenes, that'd be interesting. Having said that, I see the value, and here's a story board for a blog post.

Trust me, special features are well worth the extra money. Don't delay, join today!

Happy Canada Day.

2006-06-29T22:46:00.000-04:00

I think it's time that time went to the metric system. Distance is measured in meters, and other distances in multiples and submultiples of 10 (centimeters and kilometers). Temperature is as well. Water boils at 100 degrees Celcius and freezes at 0, and you have 100 degrees in between. Volume is the same. You have litres, millitres etc. Time, on the other hand, has weird units, like hours and minutes. How many hours in a day? If you were thinking metric, you'd expect a muliple, (or submultiple) of 10, but you'd be wrong. There are 24 hours in a day, and minutes and seconds are equally messed up. So, what I'm proposing, (just to keep everyone on their toes) is to introduce a new unit of time (equal to 24 hours) called the "Day". Minutes and seconds become obsolete, and you get millidays and centidays, kilodays etc.

How would this change life, you may ask? Well, instead of tv shows starting at 4:30, for example, they'd start at 0.6875 (because 4:30 is 16.5 hours into a day, I simply divided 16.5/24 to convert to metric.) You could still say, "4:30", and most people would know what you were talking about, but they'd shake their heads at your inability to let go of the past an embrace the future. The only problem with this (that I can think of) would be that, say, the United States refused to use metric time, and everyone else converted. Then figuring out what time Friends is on would require a calculator.

Update on New Years Resolutions

2006-06-25T16:02:00.000-04:00

Hey, hey, hey...

2006-06-21T19:14:00.000-04:00

I feel sorry for morbidly obese people, especially the ones who are obese due to circumstances beyond their control. If there existed a button I could press that would cure them, I would press it. I might even go so far as to walk across a room in order to press it. Not a big room though, that's more than I'd be willing to do. I'd walk across a moderately sized room in order to press a button that would relieve someone of their obesity. That's how selfless I am. Actually, reflecting on this post, maybe the button pressing is more for my benefit, as opposed to theirs. If they weren't obese, I wouldn't have to feel bad for them when I saw them, and then I'd feel better. I guess them not being obese would be a happy side-effect of me making myself feel better. That wouldn't make me too selfless at all, would it?

On a similar note, Tim Hortons has decided to thank us by offering some free swims during the summer! Yay! Thanks for sending me to a crowded pool full of screaming children splashing around getting in my way when I'm trying to swim laps. I have an idea Tim Hortons, why not give me something that I want, like a free cup of tea or 25% off a soup and sandwich deal?? Or, better yet, why not thank me by getting my damn order right?? Thanks for nothing, jerk-asses.

Fake Story about Made Up Kids IV

2006-06-19T00:00:00.000-04:00

"Dad", said the boy, "Why is the sky blue?"

"Well", I said, "It has something to do with diffraction of light, or was it refraction of light? And the blue light isn't scattered as much as the rest of the spectrum, or is it scattered more? Don't ask me", I said, "I don't have a degree in physics!"

"Yes you do", said the boy.

"Oh yeah, I do", I said, "I do..."

Why I don't like Soccer

2006-06-11T23:45:00.000-04:00

It's boring. A ridiculously one sided soccer match ends up with a score of 1-0. That's one goal, and a lot of kicking a ball around for 90+ minutes.

Soccer players run around on grass with shin guards on, then when they fall, they roll around for a while like they've been shot. Anyone who has ever fallen on grass (ie. everyone) will tell you that it doesn't hurt. Getting kicked in the shin when you're wearing shin guards? Doesn't hurt. Goalies dive around on the grass and take balls off the face (hee hee) and they don't roll around in agony. What's the difference? There isn't any, thus proving that soccer players are pansies. Plus, these are elite athletes we're talking about. Maybe if it were a field full of senior citizens I could accept people getting hurt when they fall down.

Soccer fans are obnoxious. I'm not really sure I can add anything to that.

I think there are more reasons, but I can't think of them, and I'm tired. I'm sorry my blog has sucked recently, but there has been a lot of soccer to watch, and watching soccer just drains me because it's so dumb.

Photo Contest

2006-06-04T18:47:00.000-04:00

There is a photo contest to take pictures of wildlife in and around the location where I work. I thought I'd participate, and I've taken a few pictures. I'm not sure they're contest winners, but I still have a few weeks (just maybe not the patience). Anyways, I was looking for some opinions in the minipoll. (Click photos to enlarge)

Maybe I'll go back to take some more...