Pumpkins

Pumpkins

Cardboard Fire Truck

Is this what this blog has turned into? Short answer - "Yes". Look at what I spend my time doing these days.Here are some step-by-step instructions:

1. Find someone who just bought a fridge and ask for the box.

2. Find a picture of a fire truck on the internet.

3. Buy some supplies - like paint (from the dollar store - silver, gold, red, white, black - they say it's non-toxic - but I'm a little skeptical of anything from the dollar store... Paint foreman in factory in China - "Is lead in paint toxic? Nope, don't think so..."), I used dollar store foam board for the ladder on the side, and the little crest on the side. The valve thing on the side was from Canadian Tire, and the "hose" was pipe insulation. Basically, I wandered around Canadian Tire looking for things that were less than $2 that looked like they might go on a fire truck. The number 3 was from Home Depot - I think it cost $1.00.

4. Make the box into the shape of a fire truck by cutting and/or folding the box. I reinforced some of the joints with some scrap wood, and I screwed it together (making sure that no sharp ends were sticking out to cut the little kiddies - and making sure that the screw didn't go right through the cardboard) At this point, it might be a good idea to make sure that your truck will fit wherever you plan on putting it. Don't get it all together and finished before finding out that it's 3 inches bigger than the doorway to the basement.

5. I made a steering wheel and dashboard out of cardboard. I have a friend who's into radios, so he got me a defective CB radio that I stuck on the side of the dash. Lastly, the lights are made out of shiny dollar store wrapping paper wrapped around a foam board 'box' to give it stability. Hot glue holds it all together. I had plans to make the sides more detailed, and to look more like a real fire truck, but I was spending a ton of time on it, and I figured that the kids wouldn't really care what it looked like, so I just threw a ladder on the side and called it done.

That's really about it. The kiddies all seemed to like it (but they would probably have been just as happy if I'd just thrown the box in the family room - keep that in mind before you spend 15 hours making your box into a fire truck.) They broke the valve off the side pretty quickly by tugging on the hose - which prompted my reaction "My Fire Truck!" When I remembered that I'd built it for them, I kind of got over the fact that they broke it. Now, it's still sitting in the family room, partly because the kids like it, but mostly because it took me hours and hours to make it and I don't want to throw it away.

Co-Pilot Kristina Maria

We can go where you wanna go
We just gotta fuel it up.
Try catching us if you can
This flight ain't about to stop, no

There's no need to buckle up on this joyride
Please leave your seat back up, push it upright
Come join this irie island way of life

We going up up up 'til the stars are below
I'm gonna take this club to the city of love
Come, I'm going to go flying
Oh me need a co-pilot
Baby be my co-pilot

With every puff puff puff, boy the higher we go
Out on the dance floor, anything's possible
Come, I'm going to go flying
Oh me need a co-pilot
Baby be my co-pilot

We can be who we wanna be
One way ticket to the top.
You can be my wingman
Chillin' in the mile high club, oh oh

Baby, there's no need to buckle up on this joyride
Please leave your seat back up, push it upright
Come join this irie island way of life, woah

Because we going up up up 'til the stars are below
I'm gonna take this club to the city of love
Come, I'm going to go flying
Oh me need a co-pilot
Let me be your co-pilot

With every puff puff puff, girl the higher you go
Out on the dance floor, anything's possible
Come, I'm going to go flying
Oh me need a co-pilot
I can be your co-pilot

Ayo
Co-pilot, co-pilot, co-pilot
Ayo
Co-pilot, co-pilot, co-pilot

Cause we do it like this and we never gon' quit
Well, after the DJ and the pretty boys aboard
I'm up in the cockpit
Every night time every day, we be flying through the air
(flying through the air)
Well, after the DJ and the pretty girls
I'm up in the cockpit, going up

I'm gonna take this club to the city of love
Come, I'm going to go flying

We going up up up 'til the stars are below
I'm gonna take this club to the city of love
Come, I'm going to go flying
Oh me need a co-pilot
Baby be my co-pilot

With every puff puff puff, girl the higher you go (the higher you go)
Out on the dance floor, anything's possible (anything's possible)
Come, I'm going to go flying
Oh me need a co-pilot
Baby be my co-pilot.

I think this song is about drugs. And/or sex. Whatever - the singer's hot.

Trashy Magazines

Over the years, my wife has had subscriptions to a number of trashy magazines. Cosmo, Glamour, US Weekly... Cosmo makes me laugh...it's mostly ads, but the articles are so terrible. My favourite is stuff like "25 ways to please your man in bed". News flash Cosmo, there really aren't 25 ways to please a guy in bed. There are like 2, and everyone knows what they are...you don't have to spend $4 on a crappy magazine to know that blow jobs and sex are the only 2 things you need to know - the other 23 are invariably some form of the other 2. If they're not, then don't bother... Glamour is the same... they also have all these articles about body image, and empowerment, but all the pictures are airbrushed stick thin models that portray the impossible 'beauty' that the articles say you don't need. Make up your damn mind Cosmo. Regardless, the point of this was originally going to be about the "Who wore it best" pictures. I always get them wrong. Always. It could be like 90% on one and 10% on the other and I'd be like, damn, she looks good...what? only 10%? What the hell?

Update!!!

Ok, so what have I been doing for the past 2 years??? Well, I had a kid! Crazy eh? Crazier still is that #2 is on the way... why am I writing this all of a sudden? Bored, I guess. I was just glancing at this blog and I kind of miss it. Do people even blog anymore? Or does everyone just focus on Facebook and Twitter? (I was going to include Google +, but nobody really gives a crap about Google +). I might use Twitter more if I had more than 1 follower. Seems like a waste of time to have all my witty comments only read by one person.

My wife PVRs Oprah's final season, so I watched an episode about some kid with MS (I think) and he was all profound and mature beyond his years...he kind of made me feel like I should be doing something more with my life. He did more in 11 years than I've done in 35. Then, they tell me he died...and since I have a son, every time anyone says something about a kid dying... man, it really bothers me. Fatherhood has really turned me into a softy. I seriously can't watch any story about suffering kids...my son's face just pops in there, and I think, "What if that were him?" And then I have to change the station. I really can't stand the thought of him suffering at all. Then, on LA Ink (which has really gone down the shitter recently...OMG, Kat almost lost her kitty! Oh, no she didn't...nevermind...that's gripping tv) some dude gets a tattoo of his son because he was killed when he was 12 after getting hit by a car, and, or course, my son could get hit by a car some day!! How will I ever be able to prevent that from happening??? I probably can't! How can I possibly accept that??? I suppose I just teach him how to look after himself and trust that he'll make decisions that will prevent him from getting himself killed. Man...parenting is hard. Who would have thought that?? I thought it was all fun and games. Turns out it's emotionally draining sometimes, and stressful!

Anyway, that's enough writing for something nobody is going to read.

Hello?

Door creaks open... Man peers in... Is anyone there???

Crokinole!

Ok, I don't expect many people to know what crokinole is, but it's a great game. Why checkers is popular when crokinole isn't is beyond me. I personally don't get it - checkers is so boring. So, having said that, I think it's time we take crokinole to another level.

I've been thinking, and these are the ingredients that I think are required for anything to be popular these days -

1. Sex appeal
2. Violence
3. Fun
4. Not boring (thanks to our over-stimulating environment, we can't pay attention to anything for longer than about 2 minutes. I'd be surprised if anyone is even still reading this...I'm even a little bored myself.)

Anyway, 3 and 4 take care of themselves, as it's a fun, fast paced game. Games are quick, the concept is simple, and it's fun.

Numbers 1 and 2 are a little harder, so, that's where I propose to initiate the United Federation of Crokinole, or UFC. Here's how I envision it


**That little "of" is important, as it prevents us from getting sued (or at least I hope it does.)

Now, this in and of itself doesn't make it violent, BUT, it might draw attention to the Federation from people who are looking for violent things (actually, maybe that's not the crowd we're interested in....whatever, we'll worry about that later.) If someone comes out just to either a) get punched in the face, or b) see someone get punched in the face, I'm sure I can set something up.

This last important detail is the sex appeal part, so I figure this can go on our posters. Maybe, when we really hit the big time, we can really have hot models at events. Or maybe just models, or, maybe just any woman at all.



So, there you have it, that's my plan to take crokinole from obscurity into the big time. If cup stacking can make it, surely crokinole can. Sport??. McDonald's Commercial??? I really don't get it. Crokinole, people, I'm telling you.

Every once in a while...

Every once in a while I see something that is just so shocking that I think, "I have to blog this..." This, is one of those times. While perusing the catalogs that are sitting around, I found some 'interesting' things.

California octuplets' mom already has 6 kids

I found this report that says the mother of the octuplets already has 6 kids.

In reporting on "The Early Show" that the mother already has six other children, a CBS reporter who visited the woman's Los Angeles-area home cited two unnamed acquaintances. It has also been reported that the mother has decided to change her name to "Gourteen" for their upcoming TLC show, "John and Gourteen plus fourteen".

That's right John and Kate, fourteen! Next time you want to complain about having 8 small kids, just think about poor Gourteen.

Update on Reality TV Dating Shows

As I've said before, I hate The Bachelor/Bachelorette. I find it pretty disgusting that they pretend that the show is about people finding true love, and then living happily ever after, when in reality, it's all about getting 2 or more people to "fall in love" with one person (or one person to "fall in love" with 2 people) and then watch as they go through emotional hell and then be crushed when they aren't chosen. Having said that, I did watch the first episode of The Bachelor this week, and it appears that it'll be full of heart-wrenching emotional destruction while Jason looks to recover from his public crushing at the hands of that vile Deanna (may have spelled that wrong, don't care to look it up). The show itself sucked, but the preview for the upcoming weeks was just full of torture. The producers of that show are so sadistic, it's kind of sad that we all find it so entertaining (it's also sad that nobody thinks it's a horrible show for what they do to poor saps like Jason). So, what can we look forward to?? Well, to torture Jason, they bring back Deanna. The beauty of this is, that they not only torture Jason, but they also torture her, AND, they also torture all the women who think that they're at some sort of disadvantage. Awesome. Where else could you possibly have provided that much emotional torture with only one thing? Brilliant. The tears and heart-ache in that preview almost makes me want to continue to watch. Almost. Why almost? Well, because in that preview they showed Jason 'proposing' to an unknown woman, whose identity they so cleverly concealed. Or did they?? That's right, I'm so superbly perceptive that I noticed something in that preview that (I believe) has given away the identity of the woman to whom Jason proposes. After a nauseating amount of rewinding and squinting and slow motion (that even my wife was growing tired of) I feel that I know who he picks. The beauty of this is, a) I can ruin the show for people (which may be mean, but, that show is horrid, so it shouldn't really be enjoyed anyway, unless you're evil) and b) I don't have to watch (except to revel in the emotional pain that people are going through while they get their hearts shredded on national tv). If you don't want to know who I think he picks and the associated 'evidence', then don't watch this video (it's not Lisa).



Next is possibly the greatest dating show ever. Better than Flava of Love, and better than A Shot at Love (with Tila Tequila). That's right, it's A Double Shot at Love with the Ikki Twins. Just when you thought it couldn't get any more dysfunctional than Tila Tequila's 12 dudes vs. 12 lesbians, we get dudes and lesbians, but they're competing for bi-sexual twins! You can tell the calibre of a dating show by how trashy the contestants are, and by that definition, this show is very low calibre. Anyway, that Bachelor part took a lot out of me, so I don't really have anything to say about the Ikki twins, other than it's odd that they call themselves 'ikki', and that I imagine that one will pick a dude, and the other will pick a lesbian, and in about 2 weeks, the Ikki twins will be back to obscurity - possibly porn, if they're lucky, and the 'winners' will be back to the trailer park. I guess the most important thing is that people's feelings will be hurt, they will cry, and they may be scarred and prevented from having a functional relationship in the future, and, really, isn't that what these shows are all about?

I blessed the rains down in Africa

Ok, after some pressure to write a post about Africa, here goes... (you can play this in the background if you wish - sidenote - I got an ipod for Christmas, so I've been uploading all my cds, and I have rediscovered Howie Day. I remember going to a Tori Amos concert with my sister about 7 years ago just because Howie Day was the opening act. He's crazy talented, but I think he's had drug problems, and he was associated with Britney Spears for a time, so he's pretty much gone down the shitter.)

Anyway, back to Africa. Africa is a continent, and it turns out, it's pretty huge, and it takes forever to get there. I believe there was something like 36 hours of travel time (including layovers in London and Johannesburg) to get where we were going (Zambia) where we took a helicopter tour of Victoria Falls.


This was our 'hotel' room in Zambia.

The following is where I was afraid there was some crazy big bug ready to jump out and kill me.

It turned out that there really weren't that many bugs around. We did happen across a grasshopper so big you could have ridden it, but it was fairly benign, so it was all good. There were some flies and mosquitos, but it wasn't that bad.

From Zambia, we went to Botswana, where the majority of our tour was. Botswana is a stable, "successful" country (I put successful in quotes because I mostly determine success based on the number of reality tv shows that originate in a particular area, so, by some people's criteria, it is successful, however, I feel it's questionable.) Botswana is right next to Zimbabwe, which is a shit-hole by most people's standards, and was blamed for the robbery that took place in one of our first lodges. Basically, the single room 'hut' next to ours was broken into in the middle of the night and robbed. Apparently there was no key to that hut, so the theory was that it was a bit of an inside job. Regardless, I was awakened in the middle of the night by yelling and banging and it was really quite terrifying. I can handle having things stolen while nobody is around, but having people steal stuff when the victim is sleeping with the threat of being shot (they claimed to have guns) is a little different. Regardless, I'm kind of glad that we experienced that, as it was a wake up call regarding the fact that we were no longer in Canada. Desperate people (from Zimbabwe no doubt! We hated those punks from Zimbabwe) do desperate things, which I'm not used to here.

Anyway, this is getting long, and we're only on the first night, so I'll just throw up some pictures and say that it was quite an experience to go to Africa, and if anyone is interested in wildlife trips, I really can't imagine anything being better. The number and concentration of animals was almost overwhelming at times and it never really got tiring watching a herd of them walk by.

Happy New Year!!!

Oh New Years! It's my favourite time of year. I'm going to go a few parties and get really drunk (high five!) and maybe score with some chicks! Or at least that's what I'm going to be telling people tomorrow when I get asked what I did for New Years (except for that 'scoring with chicks' bit, I'm married now). In reality, I'm just going to be sitting here playing Facebook poker with someone from Turkey who probably told their friends they were out getting drunk as well. Hey, at least I'm being honest.

Worst Song Ever

(I originally posted this a couple of Christmases ago, but I heard it on the radio today and thought that I had to re-post it.)

The Christmas Shoes

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood.
(maybe if you didn't wait until the last second to buy stuff you'd be in a better mood, dipshit)
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing 'round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes.

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say,
(I could believe it. What do you expect from a dirty looking kid in a store? Do you honestly think he has money? I'd just go to another line, as you know it's going to take a while.

Chorus:
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
Did you ever think that it might make her smile more if you were physically there when she died? Maybe she was so sad that you weren't there that she died of a broken heart...
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.
What the hell?! Why is Daddy letting you run around by yourself? Where is Daddy? His name isn't K-Fed is it? Jesus is probably the name of the pool boy that mom is screwing on the side anyways.
Mom - I want to look good for Jesus tonight!
Kid - Why Mommy, are you sick??
Mom - Ummmm yeah, sick. Sick of your father...
Kid - What?
Mom - Nothing.

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
See?? Should have gone to another line.
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
Don't look at me, kid. I'm not a charity.
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes.
You should have thought about that before you tried to buy something with no money. Grown ups trade money for goods and/or services, so I suggest you either go ask your father for the money, or maybe get a job.

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
What? What does that teach the kid?
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama's gonna look so great.
Unless it's an open casket, it doesn't really matter

Bridge:
I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
By using a poor kid and his dying mother to remind you that you shouldn't be an asshole while you're in line buying an ipod and PS3 that you really don't need? Heaven's love indeed. Why doesn't heaven love the poor kid with the sick mother?
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about

And what exactly did it teach you about Christmas? Some poor kid, with no money has a sick and dying mother and you buy him a pair of shoes and then feel good about yourself? What a great story! What about the kid? What does he learn about God's love? God doesn't love poor kids who beg for shoes. He only kills their mothers? Plus, Christmas is about the birth of Jesus, which, if I'm not mistaken, isn't mentioned in this song.

The choir of little kids singing at the end is really too much too. Fuck this song sucks.

More Christmas Ads

It's Almost Christmas!!

Yup, it's almost Christmas, and with that comes ads. Lots and lots of ads. Usually, stores will say whatever it takes to get you to buy their crap, however, I found it pleasantly surprising that they're being honest this Christmas.







I love educational toys. It's never too early to begin teaching your kids about men's and women's roles in society.

The other day...

The other day I was out at Sport Chek (buying a yoga mat, I think) and I happened to look at the running stuff (because I always look at running stuff). I'm all for whatever might make me run faster, stay cooler, or whatever. So, I came across some shorts and they were on sale, and they were basically what I wanted. They have the kind of bike short lining under the running short. Bike shorts are supposed to better keep your muscles from bouncing around, thus making for more efficient running, and less lost energy keeping your muscles from bouncing around. Anyways, I bought 2 pairs and left. While walking through the mall, I thought, "Hmmmm, I didn't even check to see if these were men's or women's shorts" (although they were with all the other mens stuff). Anyways, to make a long story short, they're women's shorts! Man, what a homo. They're smalls too. That's right, I wear a women's small.

I like them, so I decided to keep them, but I have one question,

Do these shorts make my ass look big?

Halloween!!

Well, it's time again for a Halloween post! This year, I'm going to change it up a bit and write about how women's costumes are all slutty, and that while you think you're going as a "sexy leprechaun", you're really going as a "whore".

Now, while perusing the slutty costumes, I came across 3 things that I found rather disturbing. In no particular order -

1. These two "Sexy Scarecrow" costumes



don't cost the same! The one on the right is $10 cheaper than the one on the left! This to me is blatantly discriminatory! Why? Because the fat girl has to pay more! Do I have to pay less for my 28 waist jeans than the guy who buys size 42? No. Is he getting twice the amount of material?? Yes. If I had any skill with a sewing machine I could buy fat jeans and then tailor them into 2 pairs of skinny jeans, buy I digress. The fat woman should not have to pay more for her costume, and she should be able to dress like a whore for the same amount of money as anyone else.

2. These are advertised as "teen" costumes.



Teens (boys and girls) don't need any help being whores, so I think these "Teen" costumes are a little inappropriate. Especially the convict one, but ESPECIALLY the french maid one. Ask any dude what comes to mind when you say "French Maid" and I guarantee you it isn't, "What innocent teens dress up as to go to a Halloween party with friends where they sit around exchanging recipes before getting tired and heading back home to bed." French Maid = Sex fantasy, so teen girls should NOT be dressing up as French Maids.

3. Finally, what the hell is this???



If you guessed "a Ghostbuster", you'd be wrong, because I think the description was "sexy Ghostbuster", but, I've seen both Ghostbuster movies, and I don't recall anything that looked like her in that movie. Maybe there's a Ghostbuster movie I'm not aware of...Just a sec...I'll check...Nope. I searched for Ghostbusters porn as well, but was afraid to click on any of the links.... Anyway, they're not even trying with this costume. They just took a slutty costume, slapped a Ghostbuster symbol on it, and called her a Ghostbuster! It's blasphemy (if you worship ghostbusters as your almighty saviour, that is).

So, having said that, I've decided to open my own costume store. Here are some of my creations.



Anyway, Happy "Dress Like a Whore" day!!

Yoga

My wife and I signed up for yoga class. Yoga people are weird. They're so calm and serene, it kind of creeps me out. It can't possibly be good for you either. They must have a lot of pent up anger in them just waiting for that day when someone does downward dog wrong and they just snap and kick the shit out of them. (side note - any single guys out there who want to meet hot toned women, take yoga. I'm the only guy in the class. You can thank me later.)

Anyway, back to the part about yoga people being weird. Look at this mat (that I bought)


Come on now! Are there seriously any people out there who would be lying on their mat doing some yoga pose thinking, "I just can't stop thinking that this yoga mat is going to spend all eternity sitting in a landfill somewhere." It's especially kooky because that same person probably drove their gas-guzzling SUV to yoga class.

It also came with a warning -

I have a hard time believing that doing yoga has killed many people. Having said that, I decided to check the good old internet to see if anyone actually has been killed doing yoga, and guess what?! They have! Check out these pictures!






The lion and the anvil I can deal with, I'll just do yoga inside, but shit, her head just fell off! That's CRAZY.