What the hell??

Check this out.

Three hours and 7 minutes while juggling??? I can't juggle for 2 minutes standing still.

This is a picture of me finishing my marathon (2 years ago - look at how young I look).



It took me 3 hours and 41 minutes. And notice my hands. I'm not friggin' juggling things. AND (you can't tell this from the picture) I'm in a WORLD OF PAIN at this point, and also WISHING I WAS DEAD.

I love running, but it's a little hard on the ego when you're going all out and you're exhausted and then the fat guy with the limp passes you. As fast as you are, there's always some old fat guy who's faster. Or some dork juggling.

To sellout, or not to sellout, that is the question

Sometimes I think that I spend too much time on some of these posts considering how many people read them. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate all the readers, but sometimes I think I should be spending my time doing something a little more productive, like watching tv, or sleeping on the couch.

Join Millions Across the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired Sept 10)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:15 – Uh oh. Jack may be sick! They’re getting letters expressing people’s concern.

He had a blood infection that could have been fatal. Jack thinks it was Satan. I do too. Anyways, he had to wake up Rexella (by walking across the room to her bed, no doubt) so that she could take him to the hospital. He was spasming and not making any sense. (Umm, quick question, isn’t he like that every week??) Anyways, it's not like me to make light of a serious topic like death, so let's get right to making fun of Jesus.

7:00 – Woo hoo! It’s hurricane talk! Did you know there was one?? Apparently it hit New Orleans! Rexella says that the number one thing we can do is pray. That’s right, don’t bother with the money, just pray. Nothing sucks the water out of New Orleans faster than prayer. Maybe if those poor people had prayed (like the rich white people obviously did) they wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

13:52 – Whoa. Rexella asks the million dollar question. “Is the hurricane a sign pointing towards the return of Christ?”

Ready??

“YES!” (I didn’t see that coming)

Jack then spews the same crap that he spewed after the tsunami. (that’s right the tsunami. Has anyone checked recently to see if they still need any help over there?? Didn’t think so.)

15:30 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! It’s brand new! It’s called ‘The Big 10”. Rexella says it was made for me, and it’s “dynamite”. It’s about telling people who think they’re going to heaven that they’re really going to hell. He says that there are people who mock the virgin birth and even those who mock the rapture. (Hmmmm, maybe they really did make it for me.)

17:00 – Rexella talks about prophesies in Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. That reminds me of what my grandfather used to say, “Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, hold the donkey while I get on.” We kids would laugh and laugh, and then repeat it, and then Mom would get mad because it’s not appropriate talk for church. In retrospect, maybe Mom was right.

19:51 – Hey the video cut out on me! Stupid internet. I blame Satan, or Jesus, or maybe Bell Sympatico. Fuckers.

Apparently It's almost Christmas!

I was flipping through a catalog (a Christmas catalog no less) I got in the mail the other day. This totally caught my eye.



Nothing says "Sexy" like a lingerie PONCHO. And, it'll fit most people! You can almost not be too big to slip into this naughty number. Plus, the teddy bears on it give it that added 'zing'.

Anyways, this seems to be more 'normal'. It's a nice black dress. Maybe something you'd wear to the company Christmas party? Maybe something for New Years?



Anyways, check out the "NOTE" at the bottom!



How many semen stained dresses would have to be returned before they feel the need to put that in there?? I'm guessing 2, maybe 1, depending on the volume.

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired September 3)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – No mention of the hurricane yet. I’m both confused and disillusioned. Maybe I don’t understand Jack like I think I do. Oh, it’s dated Sept. 3. Nevermind.

2:00 – Rexella says she likes the Amish lifestyle, which prompts Jack to tell an Amish joke! A father and a son take their cart into the big city.

“What’s that?” asks the son.

“Well”, says the father, “that’s a mall”.

Because they’re both curious (and for the joke to work) they both decide to go check out the mall. They walk in and they see an elevator.

“What’s that?” says the boy.

“I don’t know!” replied the father.

Anyways, an old lady steps into the elevator (we’re talking, like really, really old, and wrinkly, probably has a walker and still drives because she likes the freedom it provides) and the doors close, the numbers go up, then they go back down. The doors open and out walks a gorgeous 21 year old brunette.

“Quick!” exclaims the father, “Let’s go get your Mom”.

Amish people wouldn’t use a modern babe making machine though, so this joke doesn’t make any sense. Unless it was powered by a horse and some wooden levers. In that case it would be kind of funny.

4:00 – Now, to relate this to ‘real life’, Jack says that after we’re raptured (or I’m raptured, I imagine you’re all a bunch of sinners, so have fun in hell) our bodies are changed into a body just like the Lord’s. So ladies, if you’re thinking about a little ‘nip and tuck’, I’d recommend you save your money. God’s plastic surgery is free - the only downside is that he changes you into a middle-aged, bearded carpenter.

11:00 – Jack goes on a rampage about churches that try to liven things up with jazz and ‘fun’. He then says that fornication, one night stands, oral sex and the like are inundating our churches! Ummm, that’s not a chuch Jack, it’s a whorehouse. And that’s not a female parishioner you’ve been talking to, it’s a dirty whore.

18:36 – Proverbs 23 v20 says “be not among wine drinkers”. This confuses me, because, correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Jesus have wine at the last supper? I think he did, that bloody, vile sinner. No wonder we crucified him, he’s one of those “wine drinkers”.

20:00 – Jack freaks out about sex. Apparently one in five 14 years olds have had oral sex. About the same want to have it in the next 6 months and it’s all Bill Clinton’s fault. Actually, I don’t think it is Bill Clinton’s fault. It’s been about 7 years since the Clinton incident, so I can’t imagine they’ve been waiting since they were 7 to have oral sex. Personally, I blame Britney Spears, and rap music. And video games, nothing makes me crave the oral sex like a rousing game of NHL 2004.

Anyways, that’s it. No hurricane talk, I guess we’ll save that for next week.

Scrabble 101

Don't you hate it when you're playing Scrabble and all you can come up with are works like "IT", "IN" and "IS"? Well, if you agree, then you're pretty retarded, but not to worry, I've put together a little something I like to call, "How to Win at Scrabble!!"

Now look at this board. Notice that there is a triple letter score right beside that top "O".



Now, because your vocabulary is so expansive, you know that "JO" is a word. (Don't worry about what it means, that's not important) You also know that "OR" is a word. That translates to 2 x 8 x 3 + 4 = 52 points!! For 2 letters! Other good words to know are "XI" and "XU".



Now, the other secret to kicking ass at Scrabble is that you should always put one full word on the board, and make another word with one of the letters.



This word is used quite frequently in Scrabble - ENZYMES. The "Y" turns "GOOD" into "GOODY" and it's also a 7 letter word. AND, as a bonus, it covers two double word scores!! This in total comes to 144 points. Not bad, not bad at all.

Now, applying the same strategy:



You make "JO" into "JOT" and with the triple word score, you get a hefty 19 (the "K" is on a double letter) x 3 + 10 = 67 points.

Anyways, I'll leave you to work on those 2 skills, and then I'll move onto some more advanced techniques like "Palming Tiles", "Any Tile is a Blank if You Turn it Upside-down" and "Taking So Long To Play That Your Opponent Quits". Good luck!

A few things

Did you watch that US Open coverage of Sharapova vs. that homely Russian girl? What was up with that upskirt camera angle? Can they be any more obviously looking up women's skirts? I felt a little dirty watching it, and taping it, and watching it again and again.

I heard that Oprah was doing some hurricane coverage. She appeared shocked and disgusted by the situation in New Orleans. Then I heard that she went back to her cushy limo and drove to her fancy hotel where she slept comfortably on a mattress stuffed with billions of dollars. Those poor people. If only they had power they'd be able to watch their looted tvs and maybe they'd see that their grief and ruined lives are probably allowing Oprah to charge more for advertisments which just puts more money in her pockets.

I can't wait to see what Jack Van Impe says about this hurricane. This hurricane has it all - floods, fires, disease, alligators, looting, rape, killing, starvation and thirst. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that he believes it's a sign that Jesus is coming. So, forget all the relief efforts, stop wasting your time, Jesus is on his way. This is an exciting time to be alive! Or dead, it doesn't much matter. Drop those looted tvs and grab your dog, it's rapture time! (in case you didn't know, all animals will be raptured, so if you're a dirty criminal, you just have to hold on to your dog to get a free rapture pass.)