Photo Contest

There is a photo contest to take pictures of wildlife in and around the location where I work. I thought I'd participate, and I've taken a few pictures. I'm not sure they're contest winners, but I still have a few weeks (just maybe not the patience). Anyways, I was looking for some opinions in the minipoll. (Click photos to enlarge)





Maybe I'll go back to take some more...

Please, just cut my hair...

When you're as attractive as I am, you have to spend a little more time grooming than others (read "ugly people"). Anyways, when I was at First Choice (getting a $10 haircut) the hairdresser was distracted because people were parking beside her car, so she kept checking the lot (I checked the lot on the way out and there was no car there worth worrying about). She was clearly distracted, which made me a little nervous. I'm nervous in general at the hairdressers (because you get what you pay for, and I only pay about $10) so the added stress of the First Choice hairdresser being distracted made it even worse. AND, speaking of distracting, I don't like chatting with the hairdresser. I want a haircut, not small talk about the weather. "Yes, it's hot outside, now please just cut my hair", "Yes, I work around here, just keep cutting please." Why fill a perfectly good silent 15 minutes with mindless blabber?

Poker

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 8586190

Flea Market

Last year (or maybe it was longer ago than that) I was at the local flea market - not really to buy anything of course, just to hang with the commoners. It helps keep me grounded. Anyways, I bought socks. That's right, 12 pairs for $11.99 - you really can't beat that, UNLESS you bargain the guy down to $10.99 by threatening to go to that other guy (who looks suspiciously like the guy you're talking to) to buy it from him. I'm quite the shrewd businessman, I don't pay more than 92 cents for a pair of socks. The point was, I've washed those socks at least 25 times and they still leave a load of fluff on my feet when I take them off. Where the hell does it come from? You'd think that there'd come a time when all the fluff that was going to come off has come off, and you'd think that it would only take a few washes to reach that point. Well, if you're one who'd think that, then you'd be wrong.

A riddle

What is the difference between the self-serve checkout machine at the grocery store and an actual cashier?

The machine has more personality. (Get it?? Because the teenagers who work there are so miserable??)

Then, the people behind me in line wouldn't put anything on the conveyor until the divider was down. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT??? It seriously bugs me. I know what I chose, and I'm not going to let the cashier scan stuff that isn't mine. PUT THE DAMN GROCERIES ON THE CONVEYOR WITHOUT THE DIVIDER!

Capote (not pronounced "capoat")

This is me with my new movie.



I liked it so much I bought (and read) the book!



This is me reading the book!




Read it!

Holy Crap.

Has it been a week already? I bet you're all thinking, "He must have been planning quite the post." Well, if you were thinking that, you'd be wrong.

Anyways, first it was this honour and now this.

I consider myself more dashing than beautiful, but I'll take what I can get.

Since I'm running and swimming and biking so much, I probably won't update again for another week. Who would have thought that a triathlon would be so much work?

The Bearded Series

The Bearded Pig - smallest torso and largest head of all pigs.



I now bring you "The Bearded Singer" - smallest torso and largest head of all singers.



and "The Bearded Actress" - smallest torso and largest head of all actresses.



I'm not saying they have beards, just that their heads are really friggin' big.

Special Features 2

Well, it's time for another sneak peek at some of the special features that you'll get when you join my exclusive blog club.

For example, did you know I interviewed Jack Van Impe? Here's a preview!




Also, witness the exact moment that my book club (see sidebar) was born!




And finally, watch me actually write blog posts!




Don't delay, join now!

3 things

I went to see Elbow at the Opera House last night. Damn, they were awesome. If Elbow is ever in town, I recommend that you go. Trust me.

I got an oil change etc. and I hadn't been since July (because, really, how often do you really NEED to change your oil? I'd say if they're telling you 3 months or 5000km, it's really at least twice that, AT LEAST.) Anyways, I couldn't admit to the guy that I hadn't changed the oil in 9 months, yet I don't have a problem telling the dental hygienist that I don't floss. What's up with that?

Finally, I joined the Running Room's Triathlon clinic. That's right, knock another one of those New Year's resolutions off the list (last year's list). Next stop, Iron Man.

Update!!

The problem is that I have nothing to write. I'm having, how you say, a lapse in creativity. Is it possible that after 2 years I have nothing more to contribute to the blogging world? I don't want to bore you with the menial details of my day, as that's not why I blog. Anyways, I feel 'bad' when I don't update for a long time because I'd hate to lose one of the 10 people who read this, but, what can you do? Maybe I'll start writing poetry.

when I consider the children
starving in africa
it makes me happy
because i'm not them.

Now, I'll tell you why this poem is great.
1) I didn't feel the need for capitalization or punctuation
2) I didn't feel the need to make it rhyme
3) It really makes you think.

That's a quick lesson in poetry for you. It's like taking a picture in black and white. It's a quick and easy way to disguise crap to make it look something other than crap.

It has been 2 years.

I forgot my blog's birthday/anniversary. It was last week. Now it's not talking to me and it's not being funny anymore. Stupid blog.

People are Cruel.

Whether it's seals or bulls or sharks or chickens or cows, I think the main point is, "People are cruel". I guess that's the problem with being so evolved as a species, some of us use it to take advantage of the weaker species for our own benefit while some use it to feel sorry for those of whom the cruel ones take advantage.

The world is way too fucked up to worry about the seals. Let's worry about people killing people first, then let's worry about the cute animals. Then, when that's all done, we'll move on to the ugly animals, THEN, if there's time, we'll stop killing the insects too. THEN, when that's all done, we'll stop walking around for fear of killing an ant and we'll stop breathing for fear of stealing the air from some other living thing that is just as deserving. Then, when we're all dead, the circle will start over and cruelest species will dominate once again until, of course, they start feeling bad about it.

New? I don't think so...

Since when did taking something out of something make it 'new'?



They just took the damn bacon out! Plus, since when were 2 free downloads a selling point? I get all the free downloads I want, and I don't have to buy "Pep-and-Baconless" Pizza Pops (but I do anyways).

Here's another "new" product that just seems to be new packaging.



They say it's EXTREME but it basically tastes like any other Excel gum. I did notice that what they are probably trying to pass off as electricity (it is called VOLTAGE afterall) looks a bit like sperm. Now there's an idea for a new product - Sperm gum!

Sugar Free Excel Ejaculate - For that right after a blow job feeling.

I have a few more ideas for 'new' products too. This is basically "Coke" but, taking a page from the Pillsbury book of new products, I've taken out the syrup and sugar. I call this, "New Coke Light".

And I think this is a real winner as well. Man, I'm just full of winning ideas.

Push the Fart Button, I Dare You...

Inspired by Corinna, I wrote my own quiz. No pushing, there's plenty of quiz for everyone.

Take that look from off your face.

How do you stand up for 2 hours, listen to loud noise that may or may not sound like you think it should, surround yourself with drunken idiots, pay $80 for it, AND, here's the kicker, not feel ripped off?



Oasis is awesome.

(photo courtesy of my sister)

A Day in the Life - Now with Special Features.

Well, because DVDs have bonus materials and special features that just serve to add another DVD and jack up the price, I figured that I should do the same thing with my blog.

If you become a member of my exclusive blog club, you'll be privy to such things as

Bloopers like this


Video Sharing at DropShots.com.

Audio commentary on posts (you can play it while reading any post).

Behind the scenes specials on the making of "A Day in the Life"

From my North Country post.


Video Sharing at DropShots.com

and


Video Sharing at DropShots.com

Trust me, it's worth it. If you join, you'll get hours of extra features and bonus materials. Don't be a chump, join today!

Update on updates

Sometimes I feel bad when I don't update for a while, but then I think that nobody really cares anyways, so that helps. I've been too busy watching the Tim Horton's Brier. For those of you who know what that is, shut up. I like it.

Costa Rica

Well, I'm back.

A few things about Costa Rica.

1. Some of the roads are so bad, it takes over an hour to go 20 km. There was a report of a taxi falling into a 2 meter deep pot-hole. This brings us to another interesting fact about Costa Rica. They refer to 'massive craters' as 'pot-holes'.

2. You can see animals in the wild, which is pretty cool.



I really wanted to see a jaguar, but, of course, they don't really want to be seen. They like to keep their private lives private. Just like celebrities. Just like celebrities! Once I made that important comparison, finding one was easy.




Just because you put a hat and sunglasses on, doesn't mean we can't tell who you are. Animals are so dumb, no wonder we catch and teach them to do silly tricks for our own amusement.

(I find it odd that that jaguar is a) driving a car, and b) has Britney Spear's baby, but, I imagine, if given the opportunity, Britney Spears would have sex with a jaguar. I imagine she's probably had sex IN a Jaguar, and FOR a Jaguar, I imagine WITH is a logical progression.)

"Hello, it's nice to meet you..."

When the Canadian women's hockey team were receiving their gold medals, the dude handing them out gave each of them a kiss on each cheek. What's up with that? Will that same guy kiss each of the men on the cheek when they're getting their medals? Of course not, he'd get his ass kicked. Even if a woman were handing out the medals to the men, I doubt that she'd kiss a team of sweaty men. Unless she's into that sort of thing.

Is that a tradition in Italy? If so, I'd like to start a Canadian tradition of grabbing a woman's chest as a polite way of introducing myself.

"Oh that Paul, he's so polite he used both hands! Canadians are so polite!"

This might not be up for long....

I saw Walk the Line on the weekend and I liked it so here's a video!

And, because I'm a big loser, I feel bad about violating YouTubes conditions and terms of use by posting copyrighted material. When people at work can't follow simple straightforward rules, I get extremely frustrated, and now, I've gone and done it, so I think I'll probably crack and remove it because I feel like a big hypocrite and I might not be able to sleep. Maybe the ghost of Johnny Cash will come to me in a dream and yell at me for stealing his song (or, I guess it's June Carter's song, maybe it'll be her ghost who'll yell at me.) Either way, this is probably coming down.

Is it Sunday already?

Well, it seems that I haven't updated this much at all this week. As they say, 'Time flies when you're having fun', and when you're not I guess, as last week went pretty quick.

I have a few thoughts though.

Women's hockey shouldn't be in the Olympics. YET. Canada and the US have teams that are too much better than everyone else. Canada beat Italy 16-0 and Russia 11-0. It's not competitive at all and kind of embarassing.

I buy heads of lettuce for my lunch sandwiches but I end up throwing most of it out. I don't feel bad about it though, because if you tossed a head of lettuce to a bum, or a starving person, they'd probably just toss it aside, because, really, who just wants to eat lettuce? Fucking ingrates.

I bought the DVDs for the first season of Kenny vs. Spenny. It's a Canadian show where 2 guys compete for stupid things and it's hilarious. If you ever get a chance to watch it, watch it. It is damn funny.

That's it.

Superbowl Sunday!

Did you watch on Sunday?? Three hours of excitement and edge of your seat suspense.

What will happen?

Who will win?

Of course, the attractive women they show aren't bad to look at, but it's really all about the game.

The strategy.

The excitement.

The ups and downs, the winners, and, of course, the losers.

Did anyone else watch the Beauty and the Geek 2 marathon that was on? I can't believe that Tristin and Chris are gone! Was there a football game on or something?

No Point, Just Complaining

The dental hygienist asked me if I wanted x-rays taken.

"Beats me", I said. "Do I need them?"**

Christ, if being a dental hygienist means asking the patient how to do their job, then sign me up. She then proceeded to pick and gouge around at my gums until they were a bloody pulpy mess (or at least that's my perception). And that's another thing I think I could probably do.

She also asked me if I drank coffee and/or tea, which is an indirect way (read 'woman speak') of saying,

"Your teeth are stained by coffee and/or tea."

because I'm sure a trained dental hygienist would know whether teeth are stained or not.

I'm sure she was thinking,

"Yeah, I can tell, I just wanted to see if you'd lie to me."

And speaking of lying, she asked me if I floss, which, I don't. I hate flossing more than I hate my garbage man. Incidently enough, it's another question that she should know the answer to without asking. I'm sure it's in my file anyways, because I say the same thing every time.

"No, I don't floss, not once a week, not once a month, never."

Having said that, I bought floss, because she scared me into thinking that gingevitis was going to rot my mouth and make all my teeth fall out.

Finally, because my last experiment was so successful, I've decided to revisit the Crest Whitestrips. That's right, I just took the 'before' picture and in 14 days I'll have a sparkling new smile that will give me all the confidence in the world! Then, with whiter teeth, I can feel more comfortable lying to the hygienist about what I eat and drink.

** I didn't really say that, but as at tribute to James Frey, I'm going to lie a little bit about my experience with the dentist.

STAR WARS SUCKS!!!

(I'm just trying to get a rise out of the traffic I'm getting from Chewy's blog. (which is damn funny if you haven't been there.))

Anyways, I guess that's it.

I hate Oprah

I'll admit it, I bought a book. I even started to read it, but in true Paul's Book Club fashion, I haven't finished it, and I'm not sure I will. I'm not saying it's not good, I just can't read.



Anyways, there seems to be some controversy over some of the details of this book.

Now, this book is all about how he overcame his addiction to drugs and alcohol and blah, blah, blah everyone feels good at the end and maybe we all feel a little more confident in our own abilities to overcome obstacles that seem insurmountable. So someone decides to look into whether or not the author actually spent 3 months in prison at some point in the past and they find out that he didn't. Who fucking cares? It has nothing to do with the main point of the story and I think anyone who feels that the rest of the book is tainted because he said he spent time in prison is, well, a moron.

The author was on Larry King a few weeks back and Oprah called in and was supportive, now she's saying she feels duped and betrayed. Make up your damn mind Oprah!

A sometimes angry, sometimes tearful Winfrey asked Frey why he "felt the need to lie."

He's a fucking drug addict Oprah! He has flaws. One used to be snorting massive amounts of cocaine, now, he lies. It's an improvement, I'd say.

So, in short, the guy wrote a book, maybe embellished a few points and tried to get it published. Someone agreed to publish it as a memoir. What is he going to say? "No? I made up half a page about spending time in prison?" Hell, I'd write just about anything if I thought I was going to get published. Like that time I had sex with Jennifer Aniston and Kate Beckinsale in the same night. They'll deny it, and Oprah will call me a liar, but, my perception of things is that it happened. Or maybe I just masturbated to an episode of Friends right after Pearl Harbour. Either way, that would make for some damn fine reading!

Last post about garbage men, I promise.

Well, those sons of bitches lost the lid to my new garbage can again. Now I have 2 lidless garbage cans which are useless. Well, maybe not totally useless, but I can't use them for garbage because the damn raccoons will just tip it over and make a big mess. I doubt the garbage men would take a half torn up bag of junk. God forbid the garbage man has to pick up garbage.

I called the garbage head office and I talked to an operator who listened to my complaint and she said, "Yeah, we've had lots of complaints." Ummm, I have an idea, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Picking up garbage is not a hard job, and there's nothing worse than someone who thinks they deserve to get paid for doing a job that they don't do well. I hear my supervisor say that all the time.

Are they unionized? If not, I say fire the bum and remind him why he should be fortunate to be able to contribute to society at all. The 'manager', or 'head garbage man' implied that it was the wind and, well, they can't control the wind. He makes a good point. No wait, he doesn't. It's not always windy - unless there's a localized wind following around garbage trucks, in which case, they would, in a way, control the wind and he'd be wrong.

I'm not giving up. I'm going to complain until they fire my garbage man. Or I suppose they could just replace my lid. I'm ok with either.

Bon Jovi's plane crashed!!

Conversation with my sister.



Ok, maybe not "crashed", maybe, "slid off the runway", and maybe "only part way past the end of the runway." Slippery when wet. Ha! Didn't see that one coming.

It's garbage day tomorrow

Any guesses on where my garbage can and lid end up? I predict that the can ends up in the road on its side, and the lid is on the sidewalk next to the neighbour's house.

Videoblogging

Videoblogging thanks to Jen.

This is from Vietnam. It's almost like you're there, except it's not as loud and it doesn't smell like scooter fumes.

Justin Timberlake

As Mitzzee pointed out a couple comments ago, I look like Justin Timberlake - or, I guess, because I'm older, he looks like me. There is an easy way to tell the difference though, you just have to remember, one of us was in love with Britney Spears for a while not too long ago and the other was that homo lead singer of 'NSync.

Now, I found some pictures on the internet and the resemblance is uncanny.

Know which one is me? Of course not! We're twins.

This one is a little easier, but just because Kylie won't let me post those other pictures she let me take of her.




Anyways, as you can see, Justin is basically my clone, and he stole my whole plan of fronting a boy band, making millions of dollars and then sleeping with movie stars. What's the point now? It has been done. He's such an asshole.

Scratch-and-Sniff

Remember the old days when you had scratch-and-sniff stickers? Where you'd have some stupid looking sticker with a strawberry or ice cream cone on it and when you scratched it it smelled like something, but not necessarily what was pictured? Then, after a while it was just a sticker with a picture scratched off that didn't really smell like anything?

Well, I've been working on a little something that I call, "Electronic Scratch-and-Sniff". It's really ingenious and I think I'll make a lot of money from this. Imagine, scratching a picture you see on your monitor and then being able to smell it?

My first successful attempt is pictured below. Due to the technological differences between monitors and laptops (differences that you probably wouldn't understand), it doesn't work on laptops.



Man, I'll be rich! Think of what perfume and food sites will pay me for such technology! Pretty woon it will be all over the internet! I guess the only downside to this is that, sooner or later, the porn sites will pick up on it, and for that, I apologize in advance.

Take that Brad Pitt!

I was waiting in line at the grocery store the other day and I was shocked (and honoured) to see this. Of course I remember the photo shoot, I just didn't know exactly what they were going to do with the pictures. I showed the cashier but she seemed pretty unimpressed. I don't know about you, but sometimes I get the impression that people who work in grocery stores don't really like their jobs.

Join Millions Around the Globe! This is Jack Van Impe Presents! (aired December 24)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:32 – Rexella talks about humorous prayers from children that she found on the internet.

Dear God, I read that Thomas Edison made light, but in Sunday school they say that You did. I bet he stole your idea.

Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love everyone in the world, I only have 4 people in my family and I could never do it.

Dear God, if we come back as someone, please don’t let it be Jennifer Horton, I hate her.

Oh how Jack and Rexella laugh and laugh but there’s really nothing funny about kids so filled with hate that they can’t love their families. Nah, I’m kidding, there is a lot funny about that. Those letters are probably made up anyways. I heard a story once that there is stuff on the internet that isn't true.

10:00 – Lots of signs! Basically, they’re the same signs as before. AIDS, hurricanes, avian flu. This one is new though, “More Women charged in sex cases”. A female teacher was charged after having a sex party with some students. Jack says, “It’s getting bad when you have women becoming pedophiles, molesting little boys.” Huh? Getting bad? It’s bad when anyone molests kids, Jack. The truly tragic thing about that story is that it didn't happen at my highschool.

12:45 – People are downloading porn on cell phones and ipods! Jack says, “whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Only if you're married Jack, only if you're married.

13:15 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! Oh. My. God. Just when you thought Jack’s electronic bible couldn’t get any better, they’ve gone and done it. No, they didn’t add a calculator, they added an entire prophesy bible! I bet you could download porn on it if you tried.

14:00 - 28:00 - A lot of crap that I don't care to write about. Something about Heidi Fleiss and the diminishing quality of Christian books.

28:00 – Rexella leaves us with this- “God’s forgiveness always comes with a second chance.” This fits nicely in with my plan to pray for forgiveness on my death bed. Why prevent myself from having fun now when I can just beg for forgiveness later?

Update on New Years Resolutions.

I made New Years Resolutions last year.

While most of them were stupid, I did actually want to do numbers 2, 3 and 8. How did I do you ask? Well, I failed miserably in all of them.

I didn't take piano lessons, nor did I even look into it. I think the biggest barrier to that was that I think it will be hard. Damn, now that I'm thinking about it again the interest has been renewed. Dammit. I guess that'll be a resolution for next year too.

I don't have a six-pack. While I'm not unhappy with my abs, the definition just isn't there (yet). I think the biggest barrier to that was that it's hard. In order to have abs that pop out you need no fat, and well, I'm nowhere near disciplined enough to eat properly. Maybe I need a nutritionist....

I didn't do a triathlon. I can run for hours but I can't swim for 3 minutes. I guess I still want to do it, but I'll need some some coaching.

To sum up, New Years Resolutions suck, and nobody should make them because now I feel like a loser for failing so I'm going to go binge on leftover Christmas cookies and greasy food. Who am I kidding, I was going to go do that anyways.

Happy New Year.

Merry Christmas

Well, it's almost Christmas and I'm done my shopping and I've wrapped all my presents! No, wait, that should say, I'm not done my shopping, nor have I wrapped all my presents. Sorry.

Anyways, to help get into that Christmas spirit, watch my new Christmas movie.

My Christmas movie.

If that doesn't work, you can see how far you can catapult Santa. Click the mouse to start moving, then click and hold the mouse to prepare for flight. I like the festive Christmas yodelling the best I think. Nothing says Christmas like yodelling.

I got 350.4. Beat it, I dare you. Triple dog dare even.

KING KONG (No Spoilers, although everyone knows what happens at the end)

How can a movie that has dinosaurs fighting a giant ape while an attractive woman prances around in rags be hard to sit through? Ask Peter Jackson and hopefully he'll answer you in under 3 hours.



Here's an example of a bad scene where the woman breaks up with Kong:



Girl - "Kong, we're just from 2 different worlds. I'm from the real world and you're from that crazy world with the dinosaurs and such."

Kong - "Yeah, you're right, but the sex sure was good."

Girl - "Yeah, I'm a little sore though..."

Kong - "You should have said something! Just because I'm a giant ape doesn't mean we can't communicate!"

Girl - "Well, it kinda does... Plus, you're not a real King either. Instead of being a Queen, I'd just be that weird chick with the giant ape. Where's the glamour??"

Kong - "Can I eat you yet?"

Girl - "No Kong, not yet."

(I may have made up that last part, but my ass was so sore from sitting on those damn seats for 3.5 hours (including previews etc.) that I may not have been paying too close attention at the end.)

Beware the Giant Cat.

After finding this site through Fatrobot and then reading this article, I realized that there may be a rather large cat lurking around my place as well.

I set up my motion activated camera and I waited. I waited and waited until this picture was taken:



It's HUGE. If you assume that the paper shredder is about 16 inches high, some people might come to the conclusion that the cat is about 4 feet tall!

Next comes the mysterious hair that I found. I had the lab run an analysis and the results came back indicating that it was from a cat of some sort. A mysterious monster cat had not yet been ruled out.

Now to figure out where this giant mystery cat came from. After I remembered that I had a cat, it all became clear.

My small, normal sized cat was attracting a larger, massive mysterious cat(s) to my house.

Further investigation is warranted. I'll keep you posted.

I guess they cover fractions in grade 11

Since when is this half? Cut in half?? How does this help people (people like me) who only eat half of their sub at a time? Damn you Subway for hiring highshool dropouts!! I want equal portions at two different times, so when you cut it like this it really pisses me off. They should have a jig or something that cuts the sub exactly in half (or maybe they could hire people who aren't morons).

They also don't evenly distribute the pickles and green pepper, but that's another topic entirely.

Hidden Video of Binsk

Well, because she asked so nicely, I used the same technique as my last post to take a hidden video of Binsk. Canadians all look like stick people when you take hidden videos.

Why I hate garbage men people.

They have a job that consists of riding around on (or driving) a truck, picking up garbage, and, well, I guess that's it. Why can't they put my empty garbage can back upright with the lid on, or at least with the lid somewhere near the can, which, preferrably would be somewhere near my house?

I took a hidden video of it. (Garbage men, or refuse engineers, in Canada are all stick people.)

A few weeks ago the lid was gone entirely, and then last week the can ended up on the other side of the street. THEN, yesterday, they didn't even take the garbage at all! Maybe it was because it was raining and the can filled up with water because there was no FUCKING LID because THEY LOST IT. (I guess someone else could have taken it, but I prefer to blame the garbage people).

I had to go buy a new damn garbage can so some poor uneducated schmuck will do his (or her) damn job. It's not enough that my tax dollars pay their salary, but now I have to spend another $10?

My life is so tough.

I got have nothing.

I guess it's American Thanksgiving this weekend. We Canadians get screwed on our Thanksgiving as we only have a 3 day weekend. I guess we don't have as much to be thankful for. :(

All You Can Eat

The Applebee's next to my house has "All you can eat riblets" for $9.99. That's a lot for 2 riblets, isn't it? That's pretty smart of Applebee's though because you can't eat when you're in the washroom with explosive diarrhea.

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired Oct 29)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella comments that people name their children after rock stars and famous people. She says it’s been happening since biblical times though. Hey, I think she’s right. I once heard of a guy named John.

4:00 – Jack is amazed by science. The most distant cosmic explosion 12.8 billion light years from earth. That’s 77 sextillion miles!! Jack says this happened at the edge of the universe, where only a few miles further is where God lives. Jack is excited because he loves math, and I suppose he loves applying it. (Even if his math is wrong). I also love the fact that he uses this amazing science to prove his kooky theories about the rapture, but when that very same science tells you that you can’t warp through space ‘in the twinkling of an eye’ he doesn’t want to listen.

13:35 – Jack says that Osama Bin Laden has smuggled 48 suitcases containing nuclear material into the United States! Apparently, according to Jack’s contacts, they’re going to set off these suitcases at the same time in 7 different cities. He wanted them all in the same city, but he flew them in and that’s just where they ended up.

16:21 – Hey, they’re begging for money now. As much as I enjoy this show, I think I’d rather keep my money thanks. It’s a little embarrassing actually. He really is begging. Galatians 6 v 6 says “let him that is taught in Gods word communicate. Support him that teaches”
Translation: If you don’t send Jack some money, you’re going to Hell, and so is your dog and everyone you love.

19:25 – Testimonials! Wow, they have a bunch of morons endorsing Jack and Rexella. I’d kill to have a testimonial on that show. “Jack Van Impe has taught me about the bible. He has also taught me to hate Jews and gays, and well, any number of other heathens. While I’m hating, I’m not having any premarital sex, and well, that only makes the hating easier. Thank you Jack and Rexella, thank you.”

Now they’re concentrating on the late night crowd. Jack says, he wants to reach these “people who want to drown their sorrows in a bottle of liquor or overdose of drugs” Jack wants to give them Jesus! He could reach even more 'undesireables' if he advertised on porn sites! He's just not thinking hard enough.

27:00 – Rexella says that they have signed on with 27 of largest 31 cities in North America. I’ve never wished I was in Saskatchewan more than I do right now.

I'm so very sorry.

I've been so busy for the past few days I haven't even had time to not read Dances With Wolves. Don't you hate it when someone isn't prepared for their book club meetings? I personally wouldn't know, because I'm not in a book club (that's why I'm asking you), but I imagine someone just sitting there not contributing because they couldn't manage their time well enough to read a damn book would be annoying.

Paul's Book Club. (Not to be confused with Oprah's)

This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club, don't read this book!

The next book in my book club is Dances with Wolves.



It's a novel by some guy you've never heard of, and, if you pay close attention to the Hollywood scene, you might know that they made a movie out of it. Hey, look at that, it's right on the front of the book!



Now, the fact that they tell you right on the front that this book has become a movie is probably supposed to say, "Read me because I'm so good that they made a movie out of me." To me it says, "Whoa there big guy, what are you doing reading when you could go on down to Blockbuster and be through with me in 3 hours?"

If that's not enough reason to put it down and go to the video store, read this little note.



Well, that's all well and good, but what about the book!?? What about the book!??

Anyways, the next book in my club is "Dances with Wolves". Join my club, don't read it. While you're at it, don't watch the movie either (they shoot the wolf at the end. Or do they shoot AT the wolf? I don't remember).

Lest We Forget.

Because it's Remembrance Day (in Canada anyways) I thought I'd put up some pictures of my Vimy Ridge visit.





I'll spare you the lecture, but we do take a lot for granted, and it's always good to think about those who risked and lost their lives doing things we thank God we don't have to do.

Photoblogging IV

This picture is every bit as good as the others in this series. For those of you who don't know anything about photography, the true artist doesn't feel the need to center things in his pictures. You'll also notice that I included the flash in the picture. It represents life. You see, I was taking a picture of some fossils, so I felt that the contrast of living and dead, and light vs. dark captured in a photograph would make for a really powerful image. As usual, I was right. Please don't copy it without my permission, and if you want to buy a print, just let me know.

I'm writing about my mail again. Man, I suck.

Well, I checked my mail again today, and this time I got a flier asking if I was interested in becoming a school bus driver. It says 'our cargo is extremely valuable' so it sounds like they're carrying boxes of watches or something on the side. Anyways, last week it was Tim Hortons, this week it's bus driving. Maybe there's a higher power trying to tell me something. Maybe I just live in a shitty neighbourhood. AND, I also got another Extreme Fitness ad. There's a scantily clad woman jumping on this one, but there's no money shot, so I guess it's alright. As a side-note, I sent Extreme Fitness an email about their other ad and they 'gave' me a free month at their gym. Anyone want a free month at Extreme Fitness? Just complain about their pornographic ads, it seems to work.

Mail Sucks

I got an application form for Tim Hortons in the mail today**. (for those of you who don't know what Tim Hortons is, it's a coffee place that is on every corner in Canada. Tim Horton, of course, was a hockey player.)

Anyways, the fact that they have any sort of job application process surprises me, because, well, they only seem to hire morons. How can you screw up an order for a coffee? Go to Tim Hortons to find out.

For example, I have some of their training material here, here and here.

Having said all that, having developed a chemical dependence from drinking their coffee, it doesn't really matter that they can't punch "Double Double with milk" into a computer, as I'm still going back. In fact, I might just go there now.

** - Just to clarify - I didn't ask for it, it just came. I didn't go to University for 5 years to pour cream into someone's coffee after they asked for milk. I think a four year degree would have been sufficient.

Fake Story about made up kids #3

"Hey Dad", yelled the boy. "Look at this! It's a human hand!"

"No son," I replied. "It's from a raccoon."

"Why does it look just like my hand?" asked the boy.

"Because your grandfather was a raccoon," I said.

"Wow, that probably explains why I can't resist the urge to dig around in the neighbour's garbage."

"What?!"

"Nothing."

Player of the Game?

Nope. It was Berkman. Take that Fox Sports! See what happens when you name the Player of the Game before the game is over? Now what? How will this be rectified? Ahh, who cares, I have to go to work.

An idea...

I was at the gym today and they were playing a music video station on the tv and I couldn't help but think that if I managed a hot, young female recording artist, when we were shooting the video, I'd get her to prance around in skimpy clothes and then I'd have a shot or two of her in a bathtub. I don't think it's been done before.

Conversation Post

When Brett talked about conversation posts, I just had to share. Believe it or not, this conversation really took place. It was a few weeks ago.

Paul: Hey Jack, do you really think that Jesus is coming? Like, really, really think that?



Jack:Oh yes! It's an exciting time. Did you know I wrote a prophecy bible?

Paul: Umm, yeah, actually, I did know that. Anyways, tell me about this "Rapture". I'm intrigued.

Jack: Well, the Lord shall descend from heaven with a shout, and the dead in Christ shall rise first then the living shall be caught up together with the dead and shall meet in the clouds and so shall we be forever with the lord - first Thessalonians 4 v 16-18.

Paul: So, how will we know? Like FOR SURE??



Jack: Well, we'll hear from the clouds "come up hither" revelation 4 vs 1 and we'll sweep through 187 trillion billion miles in the twinkling of an eye - 1st Corinthians 15 v 52. Oh, it's an exciting time!

Paul: Well, Jack, that's fascinating, but what you don't know is, that I've arranged for a special guest to verify some of these statements. May I introduce you to Jesus.



Paul: Jesus, or should I call you Mr. Christ?

Jesus: Jesus is fine, my son.

Paul: Thanks. So, Jesus, I'd like to introduce you to my friend Jack.



Jack: ......

Jesus: Oh, I know Jack. I'm omnipotent you know...

Paul: Oh, right, sorry. Anyways, I have a few questions.

Jesus: Please proceed, my son.

Paul: Are you really going to say, "Come up hither?" I mean, "Hither"? Kids aren't going to know what you're talking about.

Jesus: Well, eventually I'll say that, Dad didn't write that into the Bible for nothing you know. I figure I'll say, "Come up....thither" or maybe, "Come on hither", just to mess with people. Wouldn't it be funny if people started looting? Christ...I mean, Damn, that'd be funny.

Jack has since passed out on the floor.

Paul: Ha! That would be funny. So, tell me, Hurricane Katrina: A sign of your return? Or were you just bored one day?

Jesus: It's hurricane season! That shit just happens! It's not easy to control the weather you know. The tsunami on the other hand. Who would have thought that an underwater earthquake would do that much damage? Colour my face red.

Paul: Yeah, you killed a lot of people. I mean, A LOT.

Jesus: Enough already, you don't think I hear this from God, like every day?! Now look what you've done. You've made me mad.



Jesus: I glow blue when I'm irritated.

Paul: Whoa. Calm down there guy. Oh, on an unrelated note, have you heard the one about you putting the nails down on the hotel counter??

Jesus: ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME NOW??!!? YOU WILL BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR INSOLENCE. WHERE ARE YOU FROM???

Paul: Ummm, Pakistan. Yeah, Pakistan....



Swear to God, that happened.

Jesus?

I was walking through the woods on Saturday and I saw this moss covered rock. Doesn't that look like a face? Maybe it's Jesus??

Jesus could have had a huge nose. If had a nose like that I wouldn't write it into the bible . I'd write a whole chapter on how I looked like Brad Pitt. I'd call it, "The Book of Vanity" Verse 1, chapter one says, "and his face looketh not unlike that of Brad Pitt. The ladies swooned, and it was good."

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired Sept. 24)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

00:10 – Rexella ponders, “Will 2 religions cause World War III”? I say, “No”. It’ll probably just be one.

2:00 – Jack says the dead in Christ are raptured first “because they have 6 feet farther to go!” Ha! That’s not true, because the dead people in Denver are still closer to heaven than the living people in New Orleans. Ok, bad example, those looters are all going to hell, but you know what I mean.

3:27 – Jack talks science. It’s so funny. He thinks that we’re going to go through 187 trillion billion miles in 0.11 seconds (because that’s how fast GE measured the twinkling of an eye, which is how quickly we’ll be raptured. Of course that’s faster than the speed of light, so it’s impossible). Jack then implies that astronauts aren’t going to heaven. Damn scientists!!

12:00 – Rexella says that there have been 17 hurricanes this season. Why is that significant? Because the bible says so, that’s why!

1500 – Jack says that they have a lot of new tv contracts for the coming year. He probably nabbed that coveted 3:00-3:30 am time-slot between an infomercial on buying and selling real estate and some knives that cut through frozen pork. He says it’s a sign because he’ll be able to make ‘the last call to the nations on earth’ regarding the rapture. Or at least the alcoholics and sleep deprived people who watch tv that late.

15:30 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! The big 10! Whoa, big news. Revelations Revealed is available again. He says it’s $100 cheaper than it was, so if you bought it before, well, you’re a fucking moron.

21:00 – Jack gets mad at Osama Bin Laden for telling suicide bombers that they’ll be rewarded with 72 virgins in heaven. He says no god would give you virgins that you could have daily for the rest of eternity. Well, of course not, you can only have the virgin once, unless you get new virgins every day, in which case.... I think I need some clarification. Maybe they're onto something.

28:00 – Rexella leaves us with this – “Faith is God’s antidote for fear.” Think about that the next time you're afraid of something. Let me know how that works out for you.

Fake story about made up kids #2

It was a hot day, a day I wanted to spend outside. The only problem? Flying ants. I hate insects in general, but there's something about flying ants that I particularly hate. I think it's probably the flying, as ants in general don't disgust me as much.

"Hey Dad", said the boy, "Doesn't that insecticide say not to spray it into the wind as it'll just blow right back on you?"

"Tell me", I said, "How do you expect me to know which way the wind is blowing if I don't spray some and then see if it blows back on me?"

Geez kid, wise up.