Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Dodgeball!!!
Well, this movie had all the makings of a real stinker. No original plot, very predictable, bad, sappy love stories (yes, plural), bad acting, and minimal character development. So, did I like it?? Damn right!! Honestly, what's not to like about people getting repeatedly smacked in the face with flying objects?? Add the occasional shot to the groin and you've got yourself a movie. That's why I give this movie two big thumbs up!! Nothing says funny like someone getting smacked in the face with something.
Monday, June 28, 2004
Serenity now...
Paul is at a Ford dealership, getting a safety inspection and emissions test. He also needs new windshield wipers.
Paul: How much do new windshield wipers cost?
Woman at Ford dealership: Oh, I don't know, $20.
Paul: Oh, that's not unreasonable, add that on.
Paul goes to work.
Later that day...
Paul is at the Ford dealership, picking up his car and paying bill.
Paul: Why are there two $20 charges on this bill?
Same woman at Ford dealership: Oh, that one is for the driver-side wiper, and that one is for the passenger-side wiper.
Paul (thinking in his head): WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT THE $20 WAS ONLY FOR ONE WIPER?!! WHO ONLY BUYS ONE WIPER??? IT'S NO WONDER PEOPLE DON'T TRUST DEALERSHIPS, YOU FRIGGIN' IDIOT.
Paul: Thank you.
Paul exits.
Paul: How much do new windshield wipers cost?
Woman at Ford dealership: Oh, I don't know, $20.
Paul: Oh, that's not unreasonable, add that on.
Paul goes to work.
Later that day...
Paul is at the Ford dealership, picking up his car and paying bill.
Paul: Why are there two $20 charges on this bill?
Same woman at Ford dealership: Oh, that one is for the driver-side wiper, and that one is for the passenger-side wiper.
Paul (thinking in his head): WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT THE $20 WAS ONLY FOR ONE WIPER?!! WHO ONLY BUYS ONE WIPER??? IT'S NO WONDER PEOPLE DON'T TRUST DEALERSHIPS, YOU FRIGGIN' IDIOT.
Paul: Thank you.
Paul exits.
Sunday, June 27, 2004
What was that noise??
It was Jack Van Impe's head exploding! There's a new bible translation, it's called "Good as New"! I found it while perusing some other blogs that I occasionally read.
This translation is one of my favs:
Matthew 26:69-70
Authorized version: "Now Peter sat without in the palace: and a damsel came unto him, saying, 'Thou also wast with Jesus of Galilee.' But he denied before them all, saying, I know not what thou sayest."
New: "Meanwhile Rocky was still sitting in the courtyard. A woman came up to him and said: 'Haven't I seen you with Jesus, the hero from Galilee?" Rocky shook his head and said: 'I don't know what the hell you're talking about!'"
Ebonics: "Meanwhile Rocky wuz still sitting in da courtyard. A biotch came up ta him an' said: 'Haven't I seen ya wiff Jesus, da hero from Galilee?" Rocky shook his head an' said: 'I don' know what da hell you jivin' 'bout! Wha 'chew trippin foo?"
I translated it into ebonics as well, just for fun. Why "Peter" = "Rocky" I'll never know.
And you have to love this one:
1 Corinthians 7:8-7
KJV: "I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn."
New: "If you know you have strong needs, get yourself a partner. Better than being frustrated."
Damn straight! Now that's a bible! I imagine this translation is going to anger some people, and maybe that's why I like it so much.
This translation is one of my favs:
Matthew 26:69-70
Authorized version: "Now Peter sat without in the palace: and a damsel came unto him, saying, 'Thou also wast with Jesus of Galilee.' But he denied before them all, saying, I know not what thou sayest."
New: "Meanwhile Rocky was still sitting in the courtyard. A woman came up to him and said: 'Haven't I seen you with Jesus, the hero from Galilee?" Rocky shook his head and said: 'I don't know what the hell you're talking about!'"
Ebonics: "Meanwhile Rocky wuz still sitting in da courtyard. A biotch came up ta him an' said: 'Haven't I seen ya wiff Jesus, da hero from Galilee?" Rocky shook his head an' said: 'I don' know what da hell you jivin' 'bout! Wha 'chew trippin foo?"
I translated it into ebonics as well, just for fun. Why "Peter" = "Rocky" I'll never know.
And you have to love this one:
1 Corinthians 7:8-7
KJV: "I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn."
New: "If you know you have strong needs, get yourself a partner. Better than being frustrated."
Damn straight! Now that's a bible! I imagine this translation is going to anger some people, and maybe that's why I like it so much.
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!!! (aired June 12)
In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.
1:00 - Rexella comments on the gas prices. Yes, they are high. I’m curious to see where this is going…no wait, of course I know!! JESUS IS COMING!!! And, he’s going to be pissed if he has to pay an arm and a leg for gas. I hope Jesus likes public transit, because he’s going to need it. Actually, I can picture Jesus in a souped-up Honda Civic, with God as a passenger and the Holy Spirit in the back, complaining about not having any leg room because God likes the seat all the way back. I imagine one of the perks of being God would be automatic shotgun.
Uh oh, Rexella comments that women are bad drivers and then Jack complains that when you go to give them the horn, they give you the finger! Which, reminds Jack of this story. A vagrant was outside a restaurant called, “Sir George and the Dragon”. Anyways, the vagrant was so hungry he knocked on the door and a woman answered. He said, “Ma’am, I’m so hungry, I’ll wash the floor, I’ll do the dishes, just please, give me some food.” The woman proceeded to beat him with a broomstick until he was black and blue. A couple minutes later, he knocked on the door again, and this time he said, “Ma’am, do you mind if I talk to George this time?” Get it? He’d already met the dragon!! Of course this relates to Proverbs 21:19 where it says, “it is better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman.” Then Jack says, “You know, there are a lot of women out there beating their husbands, not just Liza Minelli”. Man, Jack is ON tonight!!
Back to the bad drivers…. “The chariots shall be with flaming torches in the day of his preparation.” Huh? I guess “chariots” = “cars”, and “flaming torches” = “contentious angry women who give Jack the finger when he honks at them”.
The Offer of the Week!! It’s still that stupid Stephen Baldwin movie. Looks like crap, but it’s probably better than Van Helsing. Hey, it has Julia Robert’s brother in it too! That’s exciting because Julia Roberts won an academy award a few years back.
15:00 - Lots of talk about anti-Semitism. Moral of the story is that “God loves the Jew”. Well, that’s good to know…
I fell asleep and can’t be bothered to go back and watch it again. :-(
1:00 - Rexella comments on the gas prices. Yes, they are high. I’m curious to see where this is going…no wait, of course I know!! JESUS IS COMING!!! And, he’s going to be pissed if he has to pay an arm and a leg for gas. I hope Jesus likes public transit, because he’s going to need it. Actually, I can picture Jesus in a souped-up Honda Civic, with God as a passenger and the Holy Spirit in the back, complaining about not having any leg room because God likes the seat all the way back. I imagine one of the perks of being God would be automatic shotgun.
Uh oh, Rexella comments that women are bad drivers and then Jack complains that when you go to give them the horn, they give you the finger! Which, reminds Jack of this story. A vagrant was outside a restaurant called, “Sir George and the Dragon”. Anyways, the vagrant was so hungry he knocked on the door and a woman answered. He said, “Ma’am, I’m so hungry, I’ll wash the floor, I’ll do the dishes, just please, give me some food.” The woman proceeded to beat him with a broomstick until he was black and blue. A couple minutes later, he knocked on the door again, and this time he said, “Ma’am, do you mind if I talk to George this time?” Get it? He’d already met the dragon!! Of course this relates to Proverbs 21:19 where it says, “it is better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman.” Then Jack says, “You know, there are a lot of women out there beating their husbands, not just Liza Minelli”. Man, Jack is ON tonight!!
Back to the bad drivers…. “The chariots shall be with flaming torches in the day of his preparation.” Huh? I guess “chariots” = “cars”, and “flaming torches” = “contentious angry women who give Jack the finger when he honks at them”.
The Offer of the Week!! It’s still that stupid Stephen Baldwin movie. Looks like crap, but it’s probably better than Van Helsing. Hey, it has Julia Robert’s brother in it too! That’s exciting because Julia Roberts won an academy award a few years back.
15:00 - Lots of talk about anti-Semitism. Moral of the story is that “God loves the Jew”. Well, that’s good to know…
I fell asleep and can’t be bothered to go back and watch it again. :-(
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Best 50 bucks I ever spent...
This season has all (or most) of the classics. The monorail one, the one with Pepi, Duff Gardens, the Itchy and Scratchy movie, Gabbo!!, Mr. Plow, "dental plan!!, Lisa needs braces, dental plan!!, Lisa needs braces...", I choo, choo, choose you, and the one where Homer needs the triple bypass. If you like the Simpsons, you need these DVDs. If you don't like the Simpsons, I'd prefer that you never come back to this site, because there's obviously something wrong with you. Nah, I'm just kidding, you can still come back...
Sunday, June 20, 2004
Poker - evil on so many levels...
While I was losing money playing poker yesterday, it struck me that Kings are better than Queens (not that I saw any of either...goddammit). Why are the men more important than the women? Why do the women have to sit on a level not equal to that of men? How are we permitted to use such sexist playing cards? What kind of message does this send to our children? Won't somebody think of our card playing, gambling children? AND, Kings routinely beat Queens, which promotes violence against women. It's just disgusting.
Having said all that, I have taken it upon myself to develop some gender non-specific playing cards!!
Now the smiley face is the highest (highest face card, of course the ace is still the highest, but it's already gender non-specific so it's ok), followed by the neutral looking face, followed by the frown. See how easy that was?? Now there's nothing wrong with these cards, as we all know that being happy is better than being a sad mopey loser. When the day comes that 3 smiley faces, beats a pair of neutrals, you'll have me to thank. I'm doing the world a service, trust me.
Having said all that, I have taken it upon myself to develop some gender non-specific playing cards!!
Now the smiley face is the highest (highest face card, of course the ace is still the highest, but it's already gender non-specific so it's ok), followed by the neutral looking face, followed by the frown. See how easy that was?? Now there's nothing wrong with these cards, as we all know that being happy is better than being a sad mopey loser. When the day comes that 3 smiley faces, beats a pair of neutrals, you'll have me to thank. I'm doing the world a service, trust me.
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!!! (aired June 5)
In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell. This week's topic? Who knows? Same as every week.
1:00 - Whoa, Rexella is looking pretty good today. I think maybe she had some work done in the week. I don’t think the bible says, “Thou shalt not inject the fat from thine ass into thine face”, but shouldn’t it??
3:30 – Rexella lists some pestilences in alphabetical order. She starts with Ash Borer (which is killing trees in Michigan), then she says, AIDS. What friggin’ alphabet are you using, Rexella? “I” comes before “S” you dolt. Even if she knew that that “A” stood for “Acquired”, she’d still be wrong.
5:45 – Rexella says the bible is really up-to-date (because all these current events are described in the bible). It was up to date in the 40s too, but I don’t recall Jesus paying us a visit. She says it leaves nothing untouched. I personally think Rexella and Jack are both a little touched.
6:00 – 13:00 – Holy Crap. This is one huge rant. Bible passages spewed forth at a furious rate. He’s proving things left and right, arms flailing and everything. A must see.
22:00 – Jack’s prayer. Another good one. He’s so serious. Can’t help but laugh. The only thing sadder than being Jack, would be watching the show every week and then writing about it. Oh wait, no, that’d be cool...
1:00 - Whoa, Rexella is looking pretty good today. I think maybe she had some work done in the week. I don’t think the bible says, “Thou shalt not inject the fat from thine ass into thine face”, but shouldn’t it??
3:30 – Rexella lists some pestilences in alphabetical order. She starts with Ash Borer (which is killing trees in Michigan), then she says, AIDS. What friggin’ alphabet are you using, Rexella? “I” comes before “S” you dolt. Even if she knew that that “A” stood for “Acquired”, she’d still be wrong.
5:45 – Rexella says the bible is really up-to-date (because all these current events are described in the bible). It was up to date in the 40s too, but I don’t recall Jesus paying us a visit. She says it leaves nothing untouched. I personally think Rexella and Jack are both a little touched.
6:00 – 13:00 – Holy Crap. This is one huge rant. Bible passages spewed forth at a furious rate. He’s proving things left and right, arms flailing and everything. A must see.
22:00 – Jack’s prayer. Another good one. He’s so serious. Can’t help but laugh. The only thing sadder than being Jack, would be watching the show every week and then writing about it. Oh wait, no, that’d be cool...
Monday, June 14, 2004
Oh. My. Goodness.
I just watched the finale of the cruelest show on tv - The WB's Superstar USA!!. Why is it that seeing others in pain gives us such pleasure? (By "us" I mean "you", because, personally, I'm disgusted by this show. You should all be ashamed of yourselves you sadistic bastards!)
Anyways, I'd like to introduce you to, quite possibly, the world's dumbest person.
Oh Jamie, so pretty, yet so stupid. (Don't worry if you haven't seen it yet, I didn't spoil anything.) You must watch this to believe it (I think it's on again on Thursday on Much Music). The magnitude of her ineptitude is overwhelming, but her seemingly unwavering belief that she's a singing sensation leads me to believe that maybe Jamie is a little unbalanced. Oh well, I guess giving morons 15 minutes of fame is what 'reality' tv is all about.
Anyways, I'd like to introduce you to, quite possibly, the world's dumbest person.
Oh Jamie, so pretty, yet so stupid. (Don't worry if you haven't seen it yet, I didn't spoil anything.) You must watch this to believe it (I think it's on again on Thursday on Much Music). The magnitude of her ineptitude is overwhelming, but her seemingly unwavering belief that she's a singing sensation leads me to believe that maybe Jamie is a little unbalanced. Oh well, I guess giving morons 15 minutes of fame is what 'reality' tv is all about.
Saturday, June 12, 2004
Friday, June 11, 2004
Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe presents!!!! (aired May 29)
In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell...
1:50 – Jack comments on Rexella’s beauty. Jack sings “Jeeper’s Creepers” about Rexella’s eyes. It’s pretty embarrassing actually.
2:30 – Another terrible joke. Again, I’ll just write the punchline.
It said, “Rest in Peace” but she added, “until I come.” Ha….ha…..Jack’s a lot funnier when he’s not trying…
5:30 – There’s a headline about cougars in urban settings. Look out, cougars’ll get you if you’re not careful. “The devil, as a roaring lion, walks about seeking whom he may devour” is the bible quote that refers to this cougar. Actually, the cougar roaming the streets has more to do with us destroying their land which forces them into urban settings to find food. The cougar isn’t the devil, it’s just a hungry animal, and remember, if we destroy that cougar, he’ll be waiting for us in heaven, and then it’ll be payback time.
8:10 – Ooops, I got a bit ahead of myself there. When we believers are taken up (to heaven), He changes our ‘vile, mean natures’. Well, it’s not much of a leap to assume that he changes animal’s ‘vile, mean natures’ as well. SOOOO, animals in heaven will be tame. Hmmm, that’s assuming that animals have ‘vile, mean natures’ to begin with. I don’t think they do, they get hungry, and they eat things, just as God designed. Obviously the one being eaten is going to think the other is ‘mean’. By whose standards do we determine ‘mean’? I think the cougar thinks that the dude who runs and gets the shotgun is mean. I guess in cougar heaven we'll all be slow and we won't have firearms.
9:39 – Oh man, if you didn’t think Rexella was dumb before, get this: “If there was no bible, well then everyone would have their own opinions on everything”. Whoa, it sure is good to have the bible around to keep us all from forming our own opinions on things. Thinking for ourselves is scary, especially if we think something different than you.
14:07 – This is gold. There’s a new offer of the week, it’s some crappy made for Jack Van Impe movie called “Six” starring Stephen Baldwin!! Man, he must be hurting for work. The best part is that it looks like the title of the tape is “Sex” and it sounds like Rexella is saying “Sex”. I think they’re subliminally trying to tell us something.
17:00 – Rexella mentions that Einstein believed that only an intelligent supernatural being could have created the universe. Well, if we believed everything that Einstein did, we’d all be Jewish and we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. Just because you develop the Special Theory of Relativity, doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re never wrong.
17:41 – Oh well, my Real Player has frozen, Jack has suddenly become very quiet, and very still. His pensive gaze appears sullen. Hey Jack, why the long face? Didn’t you hear? Jesus is coming.
1:50 – Jack comments on Rexella’s beauty. Jack sings “Jeeper’s Creepers” about Rexella’s eyes. It’s pretty embarrassing actually.
2:30 – Another terrible joke. Again, I’ll just write the punchline.
It said, “Rest in Peace” but she added, “until I come.” Ha….ha…..Jack’s a lot funnier when he’s not trying…
5:30 – There’s a headline about cougars in urban settings. Look out, cougars’ll get you if you’re not careful. “The devil, as a roaring lion, walks about seeking whom he may devour” is the bible quote that refers to this cougar. Actually, the cougar roaming the streets has more to do with us destroying their land which forces them into urban settings to find food. The cougar isn’t the devil, it’s just a hungry animal, and remember, if we destroy that cougar, he’ll be waiting for us in heaven, and then it’ll be payback time.
8:10 – Ooops, I got a bit ahead of myself there. When we believers are taken up (to heaven), He changes our ‘vile, mean natures’. Well, it’s not much of a leap to assume that he changes animal’s ‘vile, mean natures’ as well. SOOOO, animals in heaven will be tame. Hmmm, that’s assuming that animals have ‘vile, mean natures’ to begin with. I don’t think they do, they get hungry, and they eat things, just as God designed. Obviously the one being eaten is going to think the other is ‘mean’. By whose standards do we determine ‘mean’? I think the cougar thinks that the dude who runs and gets the shotgun is mean. I guess in cougar heaven we'll all be slow and we won't have firearms.
9:39 – Oh man, if you didn’t think Rexella was dumb before, get this: “If there was no bible, well then everyone would have their own opinions on everything”. Whoa, it sure is good to have the bible around to keep us all from forming our own opinions on things. Thinking for ourselves is scary, especially if we think something different than you.
14:07 – This is gold. There’s a new offer of the week, it’s some crappy made for Jack Van Impe movie called “Six” starring Stephen Baldwin!! Man, he must be hurting for work. The best part is that it looks like the title of the tape is “Sex” and it sounds like Rexella is saying “Sex”. I think they’re subliminally trying to tell us something.
17:00 – Rexella mentions that Einstein believed that only an intelligent supernatural being could have created the universe. Well, if we believed everything that Einstein did, we’d all be Jewish and we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. Just because you develop the Special Theory of Relativity, doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re never wrong.
17:41 – Oh well, my Real Player has frozen, Jack has suddenly become very quiet, and very still. His pensive gaze appears sullen. Hey Jack, why the long face? Didn’t you hear? Jesus is coming.
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Larry Bird - Racist, or just a tall white dope?
Uh oh. We've done it again. We've gone and asked some 'celebrity' their opinion and since we don't like the answer, we're freaking out about it. Maybe Larry is right. Maybe basketball could use more white superstars. Maybe that's just his opinion, and maybe he only gave it because someone asked him. In a perfect world, there'd be no NBA and we wouldn't have to watch whites, blacks, Chinese, Japanese, or anyone play that stupid sport. Then, no one would be asking Larry Bird his opinion, because no one cares what that tall guy who cuts the lawn at the high school thinks. (In case you didn't get it, I was implying that Larry Bird is an idiot who would only be able to get a job cutting grass at a high school.) Anyways, leave the poor man alone.
Sigh...
Only 35 hits today. My wild ride with Severina Vuckovic is over. Of course I'm not the first guy to say that, and I didn't feel the need to document it on film, but I think we're through.
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
Crest Whitestrips - The Gripping Conclusion...
Well, I'm sure you were all sitting on the edge of your seats awaiting the conclusion to my test with Crest Whitestrips. Well, wait no longer. The results are in!
Before
After
Nifty Combined Effect
Hmmm, I'd say that I'm quite impressed by the result. And disgusted at that before picture. That's pretty nasty looking really. Now, I realize that the "after" picture is brighter overall, but still, there's quite a noticeable difference. Well worth the $35.00 I'd say.
After
Nifty Combined Effect
Hmmm, I'd say that I'm quite impressed by the result. And disgusted at that before picture. That's pretty nasty looking really. Now, I realize that the "after" picture is brighter overall, but still, there's quite a noticeable difference. Well worth the $35.00 I'd say.
Sunday, June 06, 2004
June 6, 1944
Sometimes, while I'm sitting around bitching about having to go to work and how the gas companies are screwing me, I realize that it's not all that bad. I'm not being asked to put my life on the line and do ridiculously dangerous things to stop something I or my country had no part in starting.
Thursday, June 03, 2004
Whoa.
Mega hits from Severina. Check out my counter. You people are all perverts! I wonder what 'pervert' is in Croatian? Kvariti!! Just download it using Limewire or Kazaa. Kvariti!! I did come across some stills from this "Severina Vuckovic Sex video", but I refuse to prostitute myself even further by linking to them. Maybe tomorrow.
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
Severina Vuckovic
Who is Severina Vuckovic you ask? Well, she's apparently a Croatian pop star who made a sex video with some dude.
Why is this worthy of writing about? It's not, it's just the sort of obscure celebrity perversion that might get me some hits. I'm sure there are a lot of smitten Croatian teenage boys who'll be searching the net for this Severina Vuckovic sex video. I just read the article, it says it's only 11 minutes long. Poor Severina, she picked a loser to make a video with! Anyways, I looked for it, but couldn't find it. Most of the sites that reference her have a bunch of english looking letters, but they're arranged in weird ways that don't make any sense to me. Truly bizarre.
UPDATE!!!!
Ako želite Severinin video, možete da download sa upotrebom Kazaa, Limewire ili WinMx. Sigurno nećete naći na Internetu.....Kvariti.
Why is this worthy of writing about? It's not, it's just the sort of obscure celebrity perversion that might get me some hits. I'm sure there are a lot of smitten Croatian teenage boys who'll be searching the net for this Severina Vuckovic sex video. I just read the article, it says it's only 11 minutes long. Poor Severina, she picked a loser to make a video with! Anyways, I looked for it, but couldn't find it. Most of the sites that reference her have a bunch of english looking letters, but they're arranged in weird ways that don't make any sense to me. Truly bizarre.
UPDATE!!!!
Ako želite Severinin video, možete da download sa upotrebom Kazaa, Limewire ili WinMx. Sigurno nećete naći na Internetu.....Kvariti.
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
Grocery Store Neuroses.
The next time you're buying groceries, when you're putting yours onto the conveyor belt, don't put the little divider down and see how long it takes the person who already has their groceries on the belt to slap down that little piece of plastic. Put your groceries right up beside theirs, and I'll bet you they'll get nervous and give you a dirty look. God forbid that little piece of plastic isn't there. All hell can break loose and next thing you know, you've paid for someone else's groceries. That's a little known fact about the grocery store, if there is no divider, that's indisputable proof that there's only one person's groceries on the belt, and whoever is in front is paying for it. All the cashier has to say is, "Sorry, no divider, that no-name cat food and Special K are yours. I don't care if you and that guy next to you say it's not."
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