Join Millions Across the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired December 25)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

00:01 - Happy Birthday Jesus – Or is it?? (gasp! I love controversy!)

1:50 – Chuck plays the trumpet! I didn’t know that. Whoa, Chuck is standing out in the woods with a trumpet ‘praising Jesus’. Man, that forest has some pretty good sound. Kind of sounds like he’s playing inside and they’ve dubbed it over. (this portion of Jack Van Impe Presents has been brought to you by the Ashlee Simpson show)

8:00 – The Belles of Saint Mary’s. Whoa. Apparently the St. Thomas Church of the Episcopal faith has these women called the “Belles of Saint Mary’s” sitting in church NAKED and then they ascend a ladder to heaven NAKED and then sell the pictures. Well, I have to Google this. Yikes, they’re all old. Anyways, they use the money to fund breast cancer research, but still, don’t they know what the bible says?? Well, I don’t specifically, but God hates nudity (probably because He Himself has a small penis, but that’s purely conjecture. I don’t think there are any bible passages that specifically mention the size of Jesus’ schlong. I just searched this online bible for “hung like a mule” but came up empty.)

12:00 – Jack comments on some whackos who don’t believe there could be a virgin birth. He proves it’s possible by saying that if modern scientists can clone stuff from a single cell without performing dirty vulgar acts, then of course God can knock up some poor woman without sex. Personally, I think Mary got a raw deal. I imagine that sex with God would be quite the experience, unless that small penis thing is true.

19:00 – Rexella is holding a puppy! It’s soooo cute. Now they’re showing some clip of when Rexella visited the holy land and sang some song about praising the Lord. You really have to watch this part. Man, it’s crap, and that dude behind her doesn't look too impressed, he's probably wishing he had some explosives strapped to himself.

25:40 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! It’s Jack’s Prophesy Bible!! (it’s a little electronic organizer in case you didn't know) How can you possibly fit so much information inside something so small?? Science! Science is wonderful when you’re trying to fit a bunch of bible prophesy/useless crap into something you can carry around in your pocket. It’s not so useful, however, when you’re trying to prove that all that stuff inside that little piece of electronics is true.

28:00 - Rexella leaves us with this: The greatest gift of all was laid in a manger. It sure was, Rexella, it sure was.

What are you doing New Years?

I don't like New Years, it's a pretty dumb holiday and just an excuse to get really drunk and make resolutions that we have no intention of keeping. Why wait until January first to get smashed and fool yourself into thinking you'll get off your lazy ass and do something? You can do that any day.

Anyways, having expressed my utter distaste for New Years, I resolve to do the following in the next year.

1. Join the gym. Notice I didn't say, "Go to the gym for an extended period of time", I just said join. I can almost write that off right now.

2. Take piano lessons. If Pretty Woman taught me anything, it's that inside every cheap, dirty hooker is a beautiful woman with a heart of gold. And that chicks dig guys who play the piano.

3. Get a six-pack. (Not at the beer store, although that would be easier).

4. Write a sitcom. How hard could it be?

5. Write, direct and produce a short film. How hard could it be?

6. Start smoking, and then quit. I'm sure it'll be the hardest thing I've ever done, but smoking is pretty dumb.

7. Finish at least one of the many books I've started to read but then quit. If anyone knows how "Horton Hatches an Egg" ends, please don't tell me. I'm thinking that Horton is hunted and killed by poachers, but I could be wrong.

8. Compete in a triathlon. No stupid comments, I really want to do this.

9. Ummm, paint my house? If anyone wants to help, please let me know. (By "help" I mean "Paint while I sit there and point out spots you missed.")

10. Be nicer. That's pretty weak but I suppose everyone could afford to be a little nicer. Be it holding a door open for someone, or helping an elderly person carry their groceries to the car, maybe shovelling the neighbour's walk, or brushing off their car on a particularly snowy day. Maybe buying flowers for someone for no reason, or maybe just telling someone how important they are to you with no ulterior motives. I'd say the world would be a better place if everyone was a little 'nicer'.

Ahhhh, the internet.

Now I can get back to wasting vast amounts of time on the internet. Actually, being without it for a month has made me realize that there are better things to do with your time than waste it on web. It made me think about being social, and, instead of using MSN to 'talk' to people, you can actually talk to them in person! Also, you can do things like read, or learn a new skill with your free time.

I'm not planning on moving again for a while though, so I shouldn't have to feel that way for a while. Phew.

It's an honour just to be nominated...

But the bigger honour would be winning. No matter how nice it is to be recognized for something, it's always nicer to win. So, having said that, vote once, vote often, as I'll probably forget and then I won't get any votes and I'll feel like a loser.

Applications for campaign manager are now open, send me your resume and if you're qualified (ie. you're 20-something, female and are open to trying new things) you can help me achieve my newly aquired dream of having an illicit affair with my campaign manager.

Seriously, whoever nominated me, I appreciate it, and read the Jack Van Impe reviews.

Sigh...

No internet or no cable for another week! Stupid Bell ExpressVu. You'd think they run right over here when they heard that I needed internet.

I'm moving.

I'm moving. To my own house. A house I bought. Now I'm poor, and I my internet won't be hooked up right away. Anyways, for a housewarming present I don't want furniture, I want this. Much cooler than a couch or bed I'd say.

Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe presents!! (aired October 2)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Headline #1 “Churches tempt congregants to return”. They gave out stuff like chocolate to get people to come back. Now, I’m no ‘expert’ here, but does the bible not say something about God being a shepherd and leading us not into temptation??? Wouldn’t that mean that if someone was tempted back to the church by chocolate then that would mean there would be more people at church, BUT, they wouldn't have been led there by God? What does this mean? Beats me, but I imagine they’re all going to hell. Don’t these crazy church people understand this stuff?? Well, Jack says candy bars won’t do the job, so at least we agree on something, especially if it’s that Turkish Delight crap. Man, that stuff is gross. If they really wanted more people, they should tempt them with sex, or money. Or sex and money. Or maybe they should just get rid of all that preachy Jesus talk and turn it into a place where you gamble and look at strippers.

10:00 – Rexella marvels at the fact that they have so many articles on the European Union over the last 10 days. Well, I imagine you can find a lot of articles on any sort of crap if you have access to thousands of newspapers. All these newspapers have articles on the EU in common, what else do they have in common? Garfield is not funny in any of them. Garfield is the Turkish Delight of comics. Maybe you liked it when you were a dumb kid, but now you realize that it’s just crap.

22:00 – World War 3 is right on schedule!! I imagine they’ll confirm that it has actually arrived on schedule about 10 minutes after it has started. Of course, they don’t have a date or time of the actual arrival, but it’s coming!! If you don’t have a bomb shelter yet, you'd better get started.

24:00 – The sound died on this stupid thing. Jack’s waving his arms around like an idiot, probably ranting about the final world government and how Jesus is on his way. I hope I’m not missing something good… Ah, who cares, I’m going to watch Jeopardy.

10 000!!

Man, I'm going to break 10 000 tomorrow. How did I manage to get 10 000 hits in a measley 9 months you ask?? Dirty Croatian porn. Yup, I jumped on the Severina Vukovich bandwagon so early that every 15 year old Croatian boy found my site when he was looking for that video. I imagine I pissed off all of them too, because I didn't have the video, nor would I have known how to post it if I did.