(Opening credits)
Hey, this looks pretty cool, but I'm pretty tired, I hope I can stay awake...
(a while later)
Hellllo Katie Holmes!
(boring dialogue - uh oh, my eyes are getting heavy....must... stay... awake)
Cool! Batman is flying around kicking some ass...now..... he's..... playing baseball in his pajamas...What the hell?? FUCK, I'm asleep! I paid good money to see this, and I'm sleeping. Ha! Batman just hit a homerun. Way to go Batman!
loud noise
(Back in the movie theatre) - Woah, there's Morgan Freeman. Where the hell did he come from? What the hell is going on?
Uh oh, it's a slow scene...Katie's back though, but eyes...getting...heavy.
What's that Katie? You want me? Huh? Really? Katie, what are you doing? Oh, I see. Don't worry about Batman, he's off somewhere playing baseball.
loud noise, people moving around
Huh, what? Oh, people are leaving.
THE END.
Overall, I'd say Batman Begins was pretty good, especially the part where Katie Holmes seduced me and we had wild passionate sex. Yeah, especially that part.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Friday, June 24, 2005
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Caveat Emptor
I was reading Blex's blog
and I came across this picture. The first thing I thought was that that
kid is probably getting a nose-full of ass. Then after that I was thinking
that if that were me, I'd sell that bike seat on eBay.
I'd say, "One bike seat, never been in contact with sweaty bike
shorts, $50.00 OBO" Then about a year later I'd send that picture
to the guy who bought it and say, "How's that seat working out for you?
It really bothered my hemorrhoids so I had to give it up."
If only I had hemorrhoids.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Fake story about made up kids #1.
"Hey Dad", the boy said. "Why don't spiders stick to their own webs?"
"Well", I said, "You see, spiders use 2 different kinds of silk when they make their webs, one is sticky, one isn't. The spider knows which isn't sticky, so that's the one it steps on."
"Wow, Dad, you sure do know a lot." said the boy.
"I sure, do." I replied, "I sure do."
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Update on New Year's Resolutions (Part 2)
Well, Now I'll update you on the sitcom.
It's a work in progress, but I call it, "The Nuclear Family" and it's all about a family who lives inside a nuclear reactor. Actually, it's just a husband and wife, because it's hard to reproduce when your gonads have been shriveled up by massive amounts of radiation.
I imagine it'll only last a couple shows as I think they'd die of radiation sickness pretty quickly. I'd want to keep it as realistic as possible so the viewing audience can relate.
I have a pretty good feeling about this one.
It's a work in progress, but I call it, "The Nuclear Family" and it's all about a family who lives inside a nuclear reactor. Actually, it's just a husband and wife, because it's hard to reproduce when your gonads have been shriveled up by massive amounts of radiation.
Wife - "Hey dear, I think it's time we thought about children"
Husband - "Ummm, hello???" (pointing at crotch) "Remember the shriveled gonads??"
(cue laugh track)
I imagine it'll only last a couple shows as I think they'd die of radiation sickness pretty quickly. I'd want to keep it as realistic as possible so the viewing audience can relate.
I have a pretty good feeling about this one.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired June 4)
In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.
1:00 – Rexella says that more and more people don’t want to watch the news anymore; it’s all ‘doom and gloom’. Hey Rexella, what was the point of your show again? Oh yeah, we’re going to die a horrible death and then rot in hell. Thanks.
5:00 – Jack gets excited because France and Holland rejected the new EU constitution. Apparently, according to Daniel 7v7, 8, 20 and 24, this means that Jesus is coming quicker than expected. Ha! Even Jesus comes quicker than expected sometimes. Poor bastard.
8:20 – Jack scorns the replacement theologists. Those crazy bastards say the word “Israel” should be replaced by “the church”, “Jerusalem” replaced by “heaven” and “Jesus” gets replaced by “Kool Mo Dee”. Luke 2v21 becomes “A week later, when the time came for the baby to be circumcised, he was named Kool Mo Dee, the name which the angel had given him before he had been conceived.”
12:30 – The first of a new sign! Cloning! They talk about mixing humans and animals! Jack is pretty excited about this because Rev 9v7 talks about horses with the heads of humans! Now Jack’s talking about cloning mice with human brains, which (according to Jack) would produce a mouse that could produce human babies!! (not quite Jack, human babies are bigger than mice, that mouse would explode) Jack says he doesn’t understand, but ‘that’s what the scientists say’! He then goes on to say that they could produce a dog who thinks exactly like a man!
15:00 - Not only that! They could put a human brain inside a chimpanzee!! That’d be awesome, then you could hire those monkeys to work for Subway, pay them less than minimum wage AND you’d probably have fewer hairs in your sub.
16:00 – 18:12 – Whoa. I strongly urge you to listen to this part. It's so funny. This rant makes NO SENSE!! Really, I think he forgot to take his medication before the show.
18:30 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!!! Beyond the Grave! What happens after you die?? Well, you rot in a box, or if you’re lucky, you get stuffed in an oven and burned, or at least that's what I'd put in a video if I were making one.
24:00 - The astronomers tell us that there are 100 000 000 000 different worlds! The bible teaches this, so it’s ok to believe it. Just don't ask those same scientists how old the earth is, because then they're heathens that should be burned at the stake.
27:00 - Rexella leaves us with this "Life is fragile, so handle it with prayer". Ha, that’s a play on handle it with care, I get it…
1:00 – Rexella says that more and more people don’t want to watch the news anymore; it’s all ‘doom and gloom’. Hey Rexella, what was the point of your show again? Oh yeah, we’re going to die a horrible death and then rot in hell. Thanks.
5:00 – Jack gets excited because France and Holland rejected the new EU constitution. Apparently, according to Daniel 7v7, 8, 20 and 24, this means that Jesus is coming quicker than expected. Ha! Even Jesus comes quicker than expected sometimes. Poor bastard.
8:20 – Jack scorns the replacement theologists. Those crazy bastards say the word “Israel” should be replaced by “the church”, “Jerusalem” replaced by “heaven” and “Jesus” gets replaced by “Kool Mo Dee”. Luke 2v21 becomes “A week later, when the time came for the baby to be circumcised, he was named Kool Mo Dee, the name which the angel had given him before he had been conceived.”
12:30 – The first of a new sign! Cloning! They talk about mixing humans and animals! Jack is pretty excited about this because Rev 9v7 talks about horses with the heads of humans! Now Jack’s talking about cloning mice with human brains, which (according to Jack) would produce a mouse that could produce human babies!! (not quite Jack, human babies are bigger than mice, that mouse would explode) Jack says he doesn’t understand, but ‘that’s what the scientists say’! He then goes on to say that they could produce a dog who thinks exactly like a man!
15:00 - Not only that! They could put a human brain inside a chimpanzee!! That’d be awesome, then you could hire those monkeys to work for Subway, pay them less than minimum wage AND you’d probably have fewer hairs in your sub.
16:00 – 18:12 – Whoa. I strongly urge you to listen to this part. It's so funny. This rant makes NO SENSE!! Really, I think he forgot to take his medication before the show.
18:30 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!!! Beyond the Grave! What happens after you die?? Well, you rot in a box, or if you’re lucky, you get stuffed in an oven and burned, or at least that's what I'd put in a video if I were making one.
24:00 - The astronomers tell us that there are 100 000 000 000 different worlds! The bible teaches this, so it’s ok to believe it. Just don't ask those same scientists how old the earth is, because then they're heathens that should be burned at the stake.
27:00 - Rexella leaves us with this "Life is fragile, so handle it with prayer". Ha, that’s a play on handle it with care, I get it…
Monday, June 13, 2005
Update on New Year's Resolutions (Part 1)
Well, it's now 6 months into the year, so I thought I'd update you all on my New Year's Resolutions.
I did indeed join the gym. Seriously, I'm huge.
Anyways, funny story about the gym. Well, the other day when I was pumping iron, the strangest thing happened. There I was doing my thing, and across the room I saw the finest looking man ever. I kind of found myself staring. Having never been so impressed or 'attracted' to someone of the same sex before it kind of made me feel uncomfortable. I couldn't help but notice that he was looking at me as well. My pulse quickened. "What is happening here?", I thought. I quickly shifted my gaze, as did he. I continued with my sets, but found myself thinking about that other man. I glanced around again, and there he was, again, looking at me. I reached down to grab my water, and he did as well, at the exact same time. Then I noticed that he was wearing the same shirt as I was, and the same shoes. Then I remembered that gym is full of mirrors. Then I thought, "Damn Paul, you look fine", then I thought, "Phew, I'm not gay."
I did indeed join the gym. Seriously, I'm huge.
Anyways, funny story about the gym. Well, the other day when I was pumping iron, the strangest thing happened. There I was doing my thing, and across the room I saw the finest looking man ever. I kind of found myself staring. Having never been so impressed or 'attracted' to someone of the same sex before it kind of made me feel uncomfortable. I couldn't help but notice that he was looking at me as well. My pulse quickened. "What is happening here?", I thought. I quickly shifted my gaze, as did he. I continued with my sets, but found myself thinking about that other man. I glanced around again, and there he was, again, looking at me. I reached down to grab my water, and he did as well, at the exact same time. Then I noticed that he was wearing the same shirt as I was, and the same shoes. Then I remembered that gym is full of mirrors. Then I thought, "Damn Paul, you look fine", then I thought, "Phew, I'm not gay."
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Canis Lupus
"Gray wolves (canis lupus) are carnivores. They hunt prey on their own, in packs, steal the prey of other predators, or scavenge carrion. Prey is located by chance or scent. Animals included in the diet of gray wolves varies geographically and depends on prey availability. Wolves primarily hunt in packs for large prey such as moose, elk, bison, musk oxen, and reindeer. A wolf can consume up to 9 kg of meat at one meal."Sometimes I wish I had lupus because it'd be kind of cool to turn into a wolf.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Once Upon a Time...
"Come with me", she said and I followed her down the hall. She was stunning. Her eyes were so beautiful, I couldn't help but stare into them. This must be my lucky day, I thought. She must have been the most attractive one there.
"Sit down", she said.
I sat down, a little nervous about what was about to happen. It had been a while, and I wasn't sure what to say.
She was quiet, but I could tell she knew what she was doing. She sat down beside me; her penetrating gaze was almost hypnotic. She leaned over, her breasts just barely grazing my body. Her hands were busy, and she was gentle, she touched my lips, it was all happening so fast. Twenty minutes later she was finished, and in came the Asian girl. They talked for a minute and then she took her turn with me while the other watched.
To make a long story short, it was the best damn trip to the dentist EVER! It was so great I stopped by the whore-house on the way home.
"Sit down", she said.
I sat down, a little nervous about what was about to happen. It had been a while, and I wasn't sure what to say.
She was quiet, but I could tell she knew what she was doing. She sat down beside me; her penetrating gaze was almost hypnotic. She leaned over, her breasts just barely grazing my body. Her hands were busy, and she was gentle, she touched my lips, it was all happening so fast. Twenty minutes later she was finished, and in came the Asian girl. They talked for a minute and then she took her turn with me while the other watched.
To make a long story short, it was the best damn trip to the dentist EVER! It was so great I stopped by the whore-house on the way home.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired May 14)
In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.
1:00 – Jack has lost 60 pounds!! No more Snickers, no more Lays. He was torn between two bible passages: Proverbs 23:2 which says, “Put a knife to throat if thou be a man given to appetite” and Proverbs 11:25 which says “the liberal soul shall be made fat.” I have an idea, why not use the passage that says, “don’t take what the bible says so literally, you fat piece of shit”??
Well regardless, Jack says that because Jesus is coming he wanted to lose the weight because he didn’t want old Jesus to have to carry him up with a crane. Ha! Take that all you fat people, Jesus isn’t a crane operator, so lay off the donuts!
We also find out that Jack and Rexella never procreated. Hmmm, why doesn't that surprise me?? If they did though, I imagine it would look a little something like this.
Anyways, the website is down, so I can’t watch the rest. You should watch though next week, it’s getting pretty close to Jesus time! He’s coming!
1:00 – Jack has lost 60 pounds!! No more Snickers, no more Lays. He was torn between two bible passages: Proverbs 23:2 which says, “Put a knife to throat if thou be a man given to appetite” and Proverbs 11:25 which says “the liberal soul shall be made fat.” I have an idea, why not use the passage that says, “don’t take what the bible says so literally, you fat piece of shit”??
Well regardless, Jack says that because Jesus is coming he wanted to lose the weight because he didn’t want old Jesus to have to carry him up with a crane. Ha! Take that all you fat people, Jesus isn’t a crane operator, so lay off the donuts!
We also find out that Jack and Rexella never procreated. Hmmm, why doesn't that surprise me?? If they did though, I imagine it would look a little something like this.
Anyways, the website is down, so I can’t watch the rest. You should watch though next week, it’s getting pretty close to Jesus time! He’s coming!
June 6, 1944
Sometimes, while I'm sitting around bitching about having to go to work and how the gas companies are screwing me, I realize that it's not all that bad. I'm not being asked to put my life on the line and do ridiculously dangerous things to stop something I or my country had no part in starting.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Memes!! What the hell does that mean??
Ok, I know that these "memes" as they're called are all over the place, and hell, I did one, once, but I was young and stupid, and I didn't really know what I was doing. Anyways, now they're everywhere and it has to stop! I go to my favourite blogs expecting something fresh and original, and what do I get?
If I could be a painter...
Who thought that was an interesting question? Who CAN'T be a painter? Do you have 1 arm and can you move it?? Yes?? Then you could be a painter. Most people CHOOSE not to be painters, well, because it would be a shitty job.
I hated those chain emails that tried to convince you that if you forwarded the message on you'd have eternal happiness, or even better, free clothes from the GAP! Well, did anyone ever get those clothes? That's right, nobody did (except the brother of a friend of my cousin, swear to God it's true).
Anyways, in closing please, for the love of God, forward this message along to 5 of your friends and post it on your blog, trust me, the blogosphere will thank you.
If I could be a painter...
Who thought that was an interesting question? Who CAN'T be a painter? Do you have 1 arm and can you move it?? Yes?? Then you could be a painter. Most people CHOOSE not to be painters, well, because it would be a shitty job.
I hated those chain emails that tried to convince you that if you forwarded the message on you'd have eternal happiness, or even better, free clothes from the GAP! Well, did anyone ever get those clothes? That's right, nobody did (except the brother of a friend of my cousin, swear to God it's true).
Anyways, in closing please, for the love of God, forward this message along to 5 of your friends and post it on your blog, trust me, the blogosphere will thank you.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Paul's Book Club!! (Not to be confused with Oprah's)
This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club, don't read this book!
The next book in my club is called, "Memoirs of a Geisha". Or, translated into layman's terms "Life Stories about being a Chinese Whore". What's that you're yelling?? Geisha's aren't Chinese, nor are they whores?? Well, maybe if I'd read it I would have known that. Christ, give me a break.
Also, from the cover, you can tell that it's in black and white. I hate books that are black and white. Sure, it's for dramatic effect, but if I'm reading a book about whores, I want it to be in colour dammit!
Anyways, the next book in my club is Memoirs of a Geisha. Join my club, don't read this book.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
YES!!
I was reading Blog Ho's post about amnesia, and I figure if I had chronic amnesia like that guy in Memento, I'd be constantly checking my wallet to find out if I was Tom Cruise. If I was really smart, I'd actually change my name to "Tom Cruise" (or get a fake id with pictures I cut out of Entertainment Weekly or something) and put a picture of Katie Holmes in my wallet, so, even if I didn't remember, and even if I spent my entire sad pathetic existence just checking my wallet and then going "YES!!", well, at least I'd be happy. Then I'd think, "Why am I holding my wallet?" and then I'd think, "Hey, I wonder if I'm Tom Cruise!"
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Bad Photos II
Since I had such fun with the last bad photo I posted, I figured I'd post another one!! Remember, I am a gifted artist who takes pictures of flowers in dewy meadows and the sun shining through trees, I just choose not to post them. Why? 'Cause, well, everyone else does.
Check that out! Notice how the light and dark contrast really makes it hard to tell what I was taking the picture of, and I didn't even feel the need to center it. The saddest part is that the camera didn't just go off - I really wanted to take this picture. This one is so crappy that when the pictures were developed, it took me a minute to figure out what the hell it was. Again, I'll be impressed if you can tell what this is (and, yes, it's a subway, but why would I take a picture of a subway?).
Check that out! Notice how the light and dark contrast really makes it hard to tell what I was taking the picture of, and I didn't even feel the need to center it. The saddest part is that the camera didn't just go off - I really wanted to take this picture. This one is so crappy that when the pictures were developed, it took me a minute to figure out what the hell it was. Again, I'll be impressed if you can tell what this is (and, yes, it's a subway, but why would I take a picture of a subway?).
Friday, May 20, 2005
Athlete and Snow Patrol
Haven't heard of them? I'm not surprised. Why did I pay money to go see them you ask? Well, for the exact same reason that I bought their cds. I have too much money. That and this -
1. Athlete - Wires
This is a great song, and because I don't generally listen to lyrics (mainly because they don't tend to make much sense, or they're just drivel with awkward rhymes that some moron threw together to complete a crappy song) I never realized how good this song really is. It's not about some girl he's trying to impress and/or sleep with, it's about - well, maybe I won't say. I'll force anyone who really cares to go look it up and appreciate it for yourself. Then you can go buy the cd and listen to the rest of it. It's all good.
2. Snow Patrol - Run
This is one of those rare songs that I just instantly really, really liked. Snow Patrol in general, I'd say is a pretty mediocre band, but Run might just be one of my favourite songs.
For a better review of the show, read my sister's entry and remember, even mediocre British bands are better than good North American ones.
We in Canada have a holiday on Monday, and I'm taking today off, so have fun at work, suckers!
1. Athlete - Wires
This is a great song, and because I don't generally listen to lyrics (mainly because they don't tend to make much sense, or they're just drivel with awkward rhymes that some moron threw together to complete a crappy song) I never realized how good this song really is. It's not about some girl he's trying to impress and/or sleep with, it's about - well, maybe I won't say. I'll force anyone who really cares to go look it up and appreciate it for yourself. Then you can go buy the cd and listen to the rest of it. It's all good.
2. Snow Patrol - Run
This is one of those rare songs that I just instantly really, really liked. Snow Patrol in general, I'd say is a pretty mediocre band, but Run might just be one of my favourite songs.
For a better review of the show, read my sister's entry and remember, even mediocre British bands are better than good North American ones.
We in Canada have a holiday on Monday, and I'm taking today off, so have fun at work, suckers!
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Reality TV
I just had a few comments about the past week in reality tv (and it has nothing to do with Britney and Kevin, because I will never watch that show, ever.)
1. I used to really like the Amazing Race, but there's some question over how legitimate that whole last second airplane boarding was. It's tainted because it made for good tv, and, really, since when was reality tv about 'good tv'??
2. That tall skinny dork on Survivor who gave up his chance to win because the big manly fireman questioned his manhood is an IDIOT. I mean, COME ON! I'd sell any of you out for free t-shirt (like this one), let alone a million dollars!
"I need to go back home and feel comfortable with myself".
Right. It's important to feel comfortable with yourself after you establish yourself as the dumbest contestant on Survivor ever. If you're going to quit, why stand on a buoy for 11 hours and then quit?? Stephanie was equally dumb when she jumped off the pole to get half a pizza. Ever paid a million dollars for a pizza? She has.
Anyways, that's all the reality tv I watch, except for the Apprentice, and I'll predict that Kendra wins, because, well, she's hotter than that other one, and, well, is there really anything more important in business? Honestly, I'm asking, I don't know anything about business.
1. I used to really like the Amazing Race, but there's some question over how legitimate that whole last second airplane boarding was. It's tainted because it made for good tv, and, really, since when was reality tv about 'good tv'??
2. That tall skinny dork on Survivor who gave up his chance to win because the big manly fireman questioned his manhood is an IDIOT. I mean, COME ON! I'd sell any of you out for free t-shirt (like this one), let alone a million dollars!
"I need to go back home and feel comfortable with myself".
Right. It's important to feel comfortable with yourself after you establish yourself as the dumbest contestant on Survivor ever. If you're going to quit, why stand on a buoy for 11 hours and then quit?? Stephanie was equally dumb when she jumped off the pole to get half a pizza. Ever paid a million dollars for a pizza? She has.
Anyways, that's all the reality tv I watch, except for the Apprentice, and I'll predict that Kendra wins, because, well, she's hotter than that other one, and, well, is there really anything more important in business? Honestly, I'm asking, I don't know anything about business.
Monday, May 09, 2005
Photoblogs
Are you tired of people posting their pictures online? Doesn't it annoy you that everyone thinks they're gifted in the art of taking pictures? Don't you think that one picture of the sun shining through the trees just looks like all the others?
Well, whatever. Anyways, I won't waste your time trying to convince you that I'm an artist. Take a look at this picture!
Yikes, it's complete garbage! But it's not the sun shining through trees, nor is it a cat or dog or someone's kids. Actually, if you can tell me what that is and where I took it, I'll be impressed. (if you look to the sides you can see where I even screwed up the scanning! Do I suck or what?!?)
Well, whatever. Anyways, I won't waste your time trying to convince you that I'm an artist. Take a look at this picture!
Yikes, it's complete garbage! But it's not the sun shining through trees, nor is it a cat or dog or someone's kids. Actually, if you can tell me what that is and where I took it, I'll be impressed. (if you look to the sides you can see where I even screwed up the scanning! Do I suck or what?!?)
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