V8 is secretly trying to kill you!

I've stumbled across a startling plot by V8 that seems to indicate that they're trying to kill us all.

V8 says:

"A healthy diet rich in a variety of vegetables and fruit may help reduce the risk of some types of cancer."

If you look at 2 cans of V8 (from the same case of 24 that I bought because I'm too lazy to chew my vegetables) they look like this:



Look at the can on the left, and then look at the can on the right. One says 2 servings, the other says 3. Well V8, which is it?? The small print on the can on the left says that there are 2 servings in 250 mL of V8. That means there is 125 mL in one serving, and (with a little math) 375 mL in 3 servings. AND, (this is where the conspiracy comes in) there ARE ONLY 340 mL IN A CAN. Yes, you heard right. I'm drinking my V8 thinking that I'm getting 3 servings because I want to maybe reduce the risk of some kind of cancer, and I'm only getting 2.7 servings! I've pieced this all together into a little flow chart summarizing my findings and it basically boils down to the fact that V8 is misleading us into thinking we're safe from cancer all the while they're buying shares in some pharmaceutical company that specializes in cancer medication. It's all true, except for that last part, I made that up.

Pyramid Blogging!!

Well, I was thinking that I wouldn't ever lower myself to propagating a pyramid type blogging thing on this blog. THEN I thought, "My blog kind of sucks anyways, so why not?" So, without further ado, I'll answer Scott's questions.

1) If you could know the time, place and details of your death, but you could not prevent it, would you want to know?

I think the 'correct' answer to that would be, "No, I'd rather live every day as if it were my last day blah, blah, blah..." My answer is "Of course, as otherwise I'd have to live every day thinking I might die tomorrow and I wouldn't know on which day to waste all my money on hookers and blow. PLUS, I'd love to know the exact day, as then if someone asked me to do them a favour I'd say, "Sure, I'll do it next Tuesday, unless of course I die a horrible death in the meantime, but what are the odds of that? (then I'd give them a little wink and they'd be all like, WTF?)"

2) If you could pick any profession and money was never going to be an issue, what would you want to do?

I'd want to play a game of some sort I imagine. Something that's fun and not at all like work, and allows for a lot of time to sit around in a warm climate on my ass doing nothing. Or managing high priced call girls, that'd be cool too.

3) What 5 albums would you bring to a deserted island?

1. Oasis - Be Here Now
2. Howie Day - Australia
3. Hilary Duff - Hilary Duff
4. Hilary Duff - Hilary Duff
5. Hilary Duff - Hilary Duff

I chose Hilary Duff 3 time because she seems to be everywhere these days, and just in case there were some head-hunters or something on this island I'd probably want something to barter with. I picked the same album because if you're ever bargaining for your life with head-hunters, I imagine you don't want them to think you're playing favourites with a rival tribe.

4) What physical attribute would you change about yourself and why?

I'd change the way I look. Do you know how tiring it gets when people constantly approach you and say, "Justin, whatever happened to you and Britney? She's gone so white trash since you two broke-up."

5) If given the choice, would you rather drive to a train station to pick someone up, or would you prefer to give birth to a flaming porcupine in the middle of an igloo during a painful bowel movement?

Ummm, that depends on where the train station is and how appropriate I feel the request to be picked up is. I imagine that I would drive to the train station if the alternative would be that thing you wrote, but it would probably depend on the circumstances and how I felt at the time.

Now, I'll offer to interview the next 3 people who want to interviewed, I suppose.

1. Leave me a comment saying 'interview me', if you'd like to be interviewed.
2. I will respond by asking you five questions here. They will be different questions than the ones above. What you do with those 5 questions is up to you.

Lottery

See?? I told you those numbers were losers. I was sure that the lottery gods would spite me for being so sure that those numbers would lose that they'd make them win. I bought a ticket with those numbers. What a waste. Damn lottery gods are probably waiting a few weeks.

Don't say I never did anything for you...

The Lotto Super 7 jackpot is up to 17.5 million dollars! Now, I was going to give you the numbers you should play, but that's really too hard, so instead, I figured I'd give you some numbers that you SHOULDN'T play. That's right, these numbers are losers, stay away from them.

1 3 15 24 25 36 43

Trust me on this one, don't play these numbers.

A piece of pi...

3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592 30781640628620899862803482534211706798214808651328230664709384460 95505822317253594081284811174502841027019385211055596446229489549 30381964428810975665933446128475648233786783165271201909145648566 92346034861045432664821339360726024914127372458700660631558817488 15209209628292540917153643678925903600113305305488204665213841469 51941511609433057270365759591953092186117381932611793105118548074 46237996274956735188575272489122793818301194912983367336244065664 30860213949463952247371907021798609437027705392171762931767523846 74818467669405132000568127145263560827785771342757789609173637178 72146844090122495343014654958537105079227968925892354201995611212 90219608640344181598136297747713099605187072113499999983729780499 51059731732816096318595024459455346908302642522308253344685035261 93118817101000313783875288658753320838142061717766914730359825349 04287554687311595628638823537875937519577818577805321712268066130 01927876611195909216420198938095257201065485863278865936153381827 96823030195203530185296899577362259941389124972177528347913151557 48572424541506959508295331168617278558890750983817546374649393192 55060400927701671139009848824012858361603563707660104710181942955 59619894676783744944825537977472684710404753464620804668425906949 12933136770289891521047521620569660240580381501935112533824300355 87640247496473263914199272604269922796782354781636009341721641219 92458631503028618297455570674983850549458858692699569092721079750 93029553211653449872027559602364806654991198818347977535663698074 26542527862551818417574672890977772793800081647060016145249192173 21721477235014144197356854816136115735255213347574184946843852332 39073941433345477624168625189835694855620992192221842725502542568 87671790494601653466804988627232791786085784383827967976681454100 95388378636095068006422512520511739298489608412848862694560424196 52850222106611863067442786220391949450471237137869609563643719172 87467764657573962413890865832645995813390478027590099465764078951 26946839835259570982582262052248940772671947826848260147699090264 01363944374553050682034962524517493996514314298091906592509372216 96461515709858387410597885959772975498930161753928468138268683868 94277415599185592524595395943104997252468084598727364469584865383 67362226260991246080512438843904512441365497627807977156914359977 00129616089441694868555848406353422072225828488648158456028506016 84273945226746767889525213852254995466672782398645659611635488623 05774564980355936345681743241125150760694794510965960940252288797 10893145669136867228748940560101503308617928680920874760917824938 58900971490967598526136554978189312978482168299894872265880485756 40142704775551323796414515237462343645428584447952658678210511413 54735739523113427166102135969536231442952484937187110145765403590 27993440374200731057853906219838744780847848968332144571386875194 35064302184531910484810053706146806749192781911979399520614196634 28754440643745123718192179998391015919561814675142691239748940907 18649423196156794520809514655022523160388193014209376213785595663 89377870830390697920773467221825625996615014215030680384477345492 02605414665925201497442850732518666002132434088190710486331734649 65145390579626856100550810665879699816357473638405257145910289706 41401109712062804390397595156771577004203378699360072305587631763 59421873125147120532928191826186125867321579198414848829164470609 57527069572209175671167229109816909152801735067127485832228718352 09353965725121083579151369882091444210067510334671103141267111369 90865851639831501970165151168517143765761835155650884909989859982 38734552833163550764791853589322618548963213293308985706420467525 90709154814165498594616371802709819943099244889575712828905923233 26097299712084433573265489382391193259746366730583604142813883032 03824903758985243744170291327656180937734440307074692112019130203 30380197621101100449293215160842444859637669838952286847831235526 58213144957685726243344189303968642624341077322697802807318915441 10104468232527162010526522721116603966655730925471105578537634668 20653109896526918620564769312570586356620185581007293606598764861 17910453348850346113657686753249441668039626579787718556084552965 41266540853061434443185867697514566140680070023787765913440171274 94704205622305389945613140711270004078547332699390814546646458807 97270826683063432858785698305235808933065757406795457163775254202 11495576158140025012622859413021647155097925923099079654737612551 76567513575178296664547791745011299614890304639947132962107340437 51895735961458901938971311179042978285647503203198691514028708085 99048010941214722131794764777262241425485454033215718530614228813 75850430633217518297986622371721591607716692547487389866549494501 14654062843366393790039769265672146385306736096571209180763832716 64162748888007869256029022847210403172118608204190004229661711963 77921337575114959501566049631862947265473642523081770367515906735 02350728354056704038674351362222477158915049530984448933309634087 80769325993978054193414473774418426312986080998886874132604721569 51623965864573021631598193195167353812974167729478672422924654366 80098067692823828068996400482435403701416314965897940924323789690 70697794223625082216889573837986230015937764716512289357860158816 17557829735233446042815126272037343146531977774160319906655418763

Mmmmmmm, pi....

I was wondering...

I was wondering if my blog would be better or worse if I wrote about my kids. First off, it'd be a lot harder to write, because I'd have to make up a bunch of stories about kids (because I don't have any).

Paul's Book Club (Not to be confused with Oprah's)

This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club, don't read this book!

Well, I've finally gotten around to not reading the third book of my club. It took me longer than I expected to not read that last one, so I hope you're all caught up.

Book #3 is "A Farewell to Arms" by Ernest Hemingway. Or as I'd prefer to call it, "A Farewell to Consciousness". Having trouble sleeping?? Pick up a book by Hemingway.

The first indication that this book is a good one not to read is this:



How shitty does it have to be for the LIBRARY to not want it??

Leave it to Ernest Hemingway to make a book about war unreadable. Or I should say, I imagine it would be unreadable as I haven't actually read it. How many. Short sentences. Can someone read. Before they want. To kill someone?

One good thing about this book is that it gives you a list of other books not to read on the back.



(I know it's hard to read...it's late, and I'm not going to try to make it better.)

I read "The Sun Also Rises" and it basically sucked. I'm not going to make that mistake again. Join my club, don't read this book.

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired March 26)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Yay! It’s the Easter show! More NFL players wear their Christianity on the field! I’m sure more baseball players will too now, as they’ll have to rely on something when they’re not juiced up. Think of how many home runs Barry Bonds could have hit had he taken a daily dose of Jesus, instead of Testosterone Cypionate. I'm guessing about 15, because as good as Jesus might be for your soul, I don't think he makes your arms any bigger.

7:00 – Rexella talks about a letter they received from the founder of Walmart. Rexella says his name is Sam Walmart (I have a feeling it’s not). Apparently Jack and Rexella prayed for him to recover from his illness a few weeks ago. Anyways, he’s dead now. Plus, his name was actually Sam Walton, if you cared.

17:06 – Jack says that it wasn’t enough for Jesus to just have died, he had to die a certain way. If he died of suffocation, strangulation or a heart attack you could not have been saved because without the shedding of blood there’s no remission of sins!! Wait a minute, what if after he had a heart attack he fell and hit his head on the coffee table?

For us and for our salvation
he came down from heaven:
by the power of the Holy Spirit
he became incarnate from the Virgin Mary,
and was made man.
One day on his way to the grocery store, he had a heart attack, fell and hit his head on a coffee table;
he suffered death and was buried, much like everyone else who isn't crucified.
On the third day he rose again
but nobody really paid too much attention because hitting your head on a coffee table really isn't all that glamourous.

Amen.

23:00 – Rexella is singing a song - Man, it’s long. She just keeps singing and singing. Jack is so moved he’s crying! It looks fake, but he has the hanky and everything.

23:45 – Jack’s prayer – he’s crying again. It’s fake though, you know, like when you kind of want to cry, but really can’t, but wish you could? Like when you’re breaking up with someone who you don’t really like all that much, and you figure that if she thinks you’re upset it’ll go smoother? Yeah, it’s just like that.

25:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! It’s called “Beyond the Grave”. It talks about what will happen to you “beyond the grave”. He even covers what happens to those people who have never heard the gospels! I imagine that they all go to hell as I doubt Jesus would want a bunch of people walking up to him in heaven saying, “Nice crown, and what happened to your hands? Who'd you piss off?”

A Positive Attitude Will Get You As Far As You Want It To

Ha! Take THAT, spider solitaire! Not so tough now, are you??

Anyways, I'd like to be serious for a minute here. I know, usually this site is all about the funny, but today I'd like to switch it up a bit and share a little story about a little something called perseverance. You see, I was once like you, I'd look at spider solitaire on difficult and I'd say, "It can't be done, it's just impossible." You see, that's where you and I are very different. I don't see barriers, I see challenges, and I don't say, "It can't be done", I say, "I look forward to overcoming this substantial barrier." As a great man once said, "Some people say, 'I'll believe it when I see it', but I say, 'I'll see it when I believe it." Wow, that's powerful stuff. (although, it's easy to be all motivated and positive when you get paid a ton of money to sit in a forest and take pictures of sunsets.) You see, I saw myself defeating Spider Solitaire, I was confident, and I succeeded. Sure, there were days when I considered giving up, there were days when I just didn't feel like playing, but I sat there on my ass for hours and I played anyways looking forward to the thrill and the challenge that the next game would bring. Each game I lost I learned a little bit more, and eventually I focussed all that I'd learned and I accomplished my goal. (pause for applause)

In case you cared, I've developed a little something I call the "SpiderCam" where you can actually see the board through my eyes. Try it here. Anyways, I'm considering a little side project where I do little motivational speeches, so if you're interested, just let me know. Until then, have a beautiful day, because I know I will.

(Note: the italicized words are the buzz words that you're supposed to take away with you and apply to your everyday life - and especially work, as this stuff is gold and will surely get you promotions if you apply it correctly. You can thank me later.)

You know you've hit it big when...

...they talk about your milk bags on RateMyBody.com!!

This was a discussion involving milk bags, including a link to my milk bag instructions but it appears that it's gone.

Anyways, those of you who know me, know that I'm not one to make fun of people. It doesn't matter how dumb, or how ugly someone is, how annoying, or how bad they smell, they're all equal in my book. "Judge not, lest ye be judged" is a quote from one of my favourite books, (it was that Hardy Boys one about the Chinese Junk I think, I think Frank said it, maybe it was the other brother, whatever).

Having said all that, the award for "most likely to end up doing cheap porn" goes to

this girl

with

this girl

coming in a close second.

Those are some classy ladies.

Why I shouldn't go to Walmart

Change that to "Why I shouldn't go to Walmart alone"

Have you ever read The Weekly World News? Man, it's funny. Look at that cover! It turns out the talking cat, or "SpyCat" also writes poetry. I wish my cat talked. Actually, I'm glad my cat doesn't talk. "Hey Paul, feed me", "Hey Paul, clean the litter box once in a while", "Hey Paul..." Christ cat, shut the hell up.

I like this article too. It's about a psychic chicken. If I had a psychic chicken, I certainly wouldn't keep it someplace where a fox could get it, I'd keep it in a special chicken holder, that rotates slowly over an open flame.

Just to 'even it out' I thought I should buy some more intellectual reading material, so I picked up a National Geographic. It has some articles on tsunamis and killer whales. Killer whales are damn cool animals. It explains how they're really nature's biggest jerks (next to us, of course), and they hunt and kill lots of stuff including sharks. I'm slowly coming to the realisation that I'd be against placing them in captivity if they weren't so good at doing those cool tricks. I think it's only a matter of time before some poor whale trainer gets a taste of what poor Roy got. How is Roy doing anyways? I haven't heard anything in a long time. Did he kick it?

Anyways, on to the deodorant aisle. Hmmm, what's this? Tsunami GEL? I had to buy this. It's kind of funny that they call it "AXE DRY - Tsunami GEL"

Thanks to AXE, my pits are as dry as a TSUNAMI!

Almost $20 later I made it to what I'd gone to buy in the first place - this lint roller. Whoever thought of this is a genius. The lint just comes right off!

In closing, thanks to the endless variety of crap you can buy at Walmart, and my inability to resist purchasing crap that seems remotely interesting (or that mentions 'tsunami'), I'm going to go read some made up stories about talking cats, look at some pictures of naked aboriginals and try to find things that need delinting. I don't know what you're doing tonight, but I'm busy.