I am a Genius!

I have a cat.



My girlfriend is allergic to the cat. Anyways, while watching tv a commercial came on for Febreze Allergen Reducer. It was an annoying commercial so I wanted to change the station. Apparently though, it was a commercial that I should be paying attention to.


Now, this is probably the first time I've ever actually gone out and bought something solely because of a commercial I saw. (Unless you count that Axe body spray, because if that works like they advertise - DAMN!)

So, the idea is that you spray the furniture with the allergen reducer and it keeps the allergens from becoming airborne. Now, here's where me being a genius comes in. I could spray the furniture, but there's a lot of it so wouldn't it make more sense if I prevented the allergens from getting there in the first place???

Anyways, to make a long story short, instead of wasting it on the furniture, I just sprayed the cat. (Don't let that picture fool you she loved it!)

I saved myself both time and money as there's less surface area on a cat than on the entire friggin' house. The cat's not too happy, but you can't please everyone.

So, in closing, if you keep the allergens on the cat, you don't have to worry about the couch and the rug and the chairs and you don't have to vacuum all the damn time.

2 Birds with one stone

I've been tagged by Lisa and a while back it was Jootastic. I typically don't do this stuff, for no reason other than the fact that everyone does it, you get the same stuff on every blog and it's not that original. Having said all that, I haven't had any time to think of anything else, so I bring you

7 THINGS I WILL NEVER DO

7. Join the circus. Working with animals might be cool, but carnies are creepy and I'm sure they'd try to steal my stuff.

6. Pick up a hitchhiker. Even if she were really hot, I'm sure there are hot women out there who'd cut me if given the chance.

5. Go hunting. I just don't see the point. I'm all about hiding in the bushes with a gun, but I tend to like to keep that local.

4. Participate in a polar bear swim (you know the ones where you jump in a frigid lake for no reason?) If someone were to ask, it might go something like this -

Person 1 - "Hey Paul, do you want to go jump in a frozen lake?"
Paul - "No"

3. Write a book called "The Hows and Whys of Auto Repair". I don't know anything about auto repair, and, if I did, I'm nowhere near ambitious enough to write a book.
2. Write and direct a movie and then cast Nick Nolte. I hate Nick Nolte.
1. All joking aside here, as sophisticated as it might make me look, and as cool as it might make me appear in the eyes of my peers, you'll never catch me sucking on a fag. No siree, cigarettes are gross.

10 Songs I'm Listening To.

Xavier Rudd (I don't know the titles, but they're all good.)

You're Beautiful - James Blunt. My sister went to Europe and brought it back for me. It's not bad.

Don't Go Away - Oasis. It's the greatest song ever.

Father and Son - Cat Stevens.

Fix You - Cold Play. Yet another song about Gwyneth Paltrow! It's good though, so I can look past those sickening details.

Morning After - Howie Day. His first cd rules.

Mr. Jones - Counting Crows. It's an oldie but a goodie. (Fuck I'm old)

Jolene - Ray Lamontagne. Lots of acoustic guitar and slow crap that I like.

Any song by Athlete.

The Obvious Child - Paul Simon. He's a genius.

Finally, to cap it all off, I tag you all!!! Muahahahahaha!

I'm Back Bitches!!

My computer died so I've been forced to amuse myself doing other things (not that you perverts....nah, I'm just kidding, I've been doing that.) One of which has been to watch 2 seasons of the Dave Chappelle Show. Damn, I haven't heard the "N" word so many times since Mark Fuhrman was testifying. (Because I'm white I have to write "N" word, as if I said "Nigger" I'd be racist - I'm not though. I dislike all people equally - but, as George Orwell once said, some animals are more equal than others. He also said a bunch of stuff about 1984 that wasn't true though, so what the fuck did he know?) ANYWAYS, until my computer is fixed I'll be forced to waste my time sitting on my ass in front of the tv, instead of a computer - which is where I'm going right now. Later bitches.

Video Review!!!

Ok, since I’ve been reviewing Jack Van Impe for over a year, I decided that maybe there were other things I could review as well!!

I bring you Shakira’s new video called “La Tortura”

LA TORTURA

00:01 – what’s that??
00:03 – eeeew gross!
00:05 – who the hell is that dude? Where the hell is Shakira?? I've wasted 5 whole seconds of my life here.
00:06-00:16 – this sucks. Get this dude off the screen! Man, it’s not even in English, I’m shutting this..o...f...f....
00:17 – HELLO!
00:18-00:23 – (not paying attention, trying to compose myself)
00:24 – 00:25 – DAMN! This might be the greatest video ever!

01:10 – 02:30 – Yup, this is definitely the greatest video ever.
Wow.
Damn.
Oh... my...
02:31 - This review is over. Ummmm, I gotta go, I’ll be back in a couple minutes.

03:47 – Phew, that was alllllright. I’m pretty sleepy now though, I think I'm going to bed. Oh baby.

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 16)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Sometimes Rexella feels overwhelmed when she watches the news. I guess if I interpreted everything as meaning we're all going to die and rot in hell I'd be a little overwhelmed too. Dumbass.

5:00 – Oh get this. Jack has a message for this mess age. Fuck that’s clever.

7:00 – "America expects attack", poll claims. America also wants to know what Britney Spears had for breakfast and that Angelina Jolie's adopted kid calls Brad Pitt "dad" though. On an unrelated note, can you believe that Kaysar was voted back in? Like, oh my god, then, he gave up the HOH to that little lying bitch!?"

12:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! “Revelations Revealed” Did you ever wish you could understand Revelations like Jack? No? Me neither.

Hey, Jack just said because these videos are so great it was “Christmas in July”. I'm outraged because that’s not true. Jesus wasn’t born in July! Unless they’re referring to the secular materialistic version of Christmas where you exchange gifts and where you try your hardest not to think about Jesus, but that doesn’t sound like something Jack would endorse. I think I might send him an email complaining about this blasphemy. On second thought, it'd be easier to not send that email. Nevermind.

16:00 – There's some new “electromagnetic pulse” weapon being developed by some evil country somewhere and apparently it is one of the most dangerous weapons in the history of the world!! (It always amuses me how Jack is privy to foreign secrets) Jack mentions some ‘facts’ about this weapon, and even though I don’t know anything about it, I think some of Jack’s facts are wrong. I think the main purpose of this electromagnetic pulse weapon would be to knock out all cell phone transmissions so that all teenagers will be disoriented and won’t be able to be picked up by their parents after shopping all day at the GAP. Worried parents will clog the streets effectively shutting down the whole country, if not THE WORLD!!

19:00 – Rexella says that one of the greatest scientists alive today is Stephen Hawkins. I think she means Stephen Hawking. He says we need to start developing outerspace. The greatest thing about him saying that though isn't that he's a genius and that he thinks outside the box, but that when he talks he sounds like a robot.

Jack then goes on about earthquakes, and how the biggest earthquake ever will be when Jesus sets his foot down when he returns. "He splits the land from east to west." I figure it will be about a billion on the Richter Scale and that millions of people won't be raptured because they'll be trapped under tons and tons of rubble. Thanks a lot Jesus, you jerk.

25:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! “Revelations Revealed” It's like 10 hours of study! Apparently it’s easy to understand, but then again it would have to be - it’s one of the drawbacks of having a target audience of idiots.

Photoblogging III

Remember, I'm an artist, I take the greatest pictures ever (just like you). Having said that, take a look at THIS ONE!



Steady, steady! Don't move!

FUCK!!(I think it moved)

How can you cut the head off of a friggin' skeleton? I think someone who doesn't know photography from a hole in the ground knocked my arm. It's the only plausible explanation.

IMPORTANT public service announcement!!!

If you have kids who are allergic to peanuts, don't let them eat these ant traps.

Pass it along people. It can save lives. You CAN make a difference.

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 9)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

00:15 – Yes! They’re going to talk about robots – or "robuts" as Rexella calls them. Ha! Robuts! That kills me.

1:00 – They’re talking about that Runaway Bride! Apparently she’s negotiating a $500 000 deal for the rights to her story. Well, you may not have known that she claims to be a born again Christian. Wait a minute though! Doesn’t Proverbs 31 talk about wives? Doesn’t it say “She shall do him good, all the days of her life?” I guess she’ll find out the hard way when Saint Peter kicks her runaway ass down to hell where it belongs.

3:00 - Rexella gives Jack a father’s day card, but of course Jack didn’t ever have children - just a cat. I guess he misunderstood when people would say he needed a little pussy. Man, the card whistles when you open it. Then Jack gets all excited and he and Rexella lean in for a kiss. Then I turn away in disgust because the thought of those 2 doing anything remotely intimate kind of makes me sick.

6:00 – Jack slams some televangelists. He says he doesn’t spend the ministry’s money frivolously. No, he spends it developing DVDs such as “Animals in Heaven”, “Beyond the Grave” and “Revelations Revealed”. Ok, maybe that’s not frivolous in the sense he means, but it’s still a waste. I think I’d prefer that he spent it on hookers and booze.

9:00 – They’re talking about Jerry Springer! Apparently he’s profane. (duh, really?) Jesus, Mary and God were guests on Springer as well! Damn, I wish I’d seen that one. Apparently Jesus was wearing a diaper and got into a shouting match with Satan. JERRY! JERRY! Jack says Jerry's day is coming, but I think Jesus appreciates hot teen moms who strip to support their obese mother’s cocaine habit.

12:45 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! It’s the last week, so it’s not too late! Actually, because this show is a month old, it IS too late. Suckers. This video asks ‘what will happen to murderers like ‘Stalin’, “Hitler” and the “9/11 Hijackers”. This pisses me off. I don’t care what you say, you can’t compare the 9/11 hijackers to Hitler.

16:34 – Israel develops an airborne car! So? That’s not hard. I imagine Rexella has made their car airborne a few times.

17:00 - An Indian scientist wants to develop headless humans to harvest organs. Jack is upset about this. We’ll see how upset he is about it when his kidneys crap out and he needs a couple new ones. What’s worse? Dialysis or some headless thing that makes you organs? Seems like a no brainer to me.

26:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! “What happens when I die?” people ponder. Well, I recommend that anyone who really wants to know this should just bite the bullet and stick their head in the oven. Then they should let me know how that turns out. Idiots.

Paul's Book Club!! (Not to be confused with Oprah's)

This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club, don't read this book!

Well, the next book in my club is "Don Quixote".



Well, imagine my surprise when I discovered that this book wasn't called "Donkey Hotey". Sure, I have a new book, but I can never go to that Chapters again. Plus, it's WAY too fat to bother with. It's like the Kirstie Alley of books. Even if it was about donkeys I still don't think I'd want to read it.

I don't care what Cervantes says, "Don Quixote" equals "Don Quicksote" in my book, classic or not, that's fucked up. Another thing, how the hell do you tilt at windmills? What the hell does that mean?

In closing, the next book in my club is Don Quixote. Join my club, don't read this book.

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

Paul's Book Club is having its first meeting next Tuesday at my house. Don't worry if you don't know where I live, as of 2 seconds ago the meeting was cancelled.

Pelicans are Ugly, and some other things about Florida.

"What will I do first?" I thought to myself.

This is a dumb question, as I immediately knew what I've wanted to do for oh so long. That's right, I was going to harass wild dolphins. First I'd say, "Hey dolphin, you're fat, ugly, and nobody loves you!" Then, before the dolphin could turn away I'd yell, "Hey dolphin, there's a reason your kind are relegated to the water, we don't want your kind on land with us. That's right! You're just a dolphin and that's all you'll ever be!" Then, just as I though he could take no more I'd say, "Hey, I think I saw your mom at Sea World, she sure is good at doing embarrassing tricks for dead fish!" Then I'd chuck a dead fish at him and say, "Hey! Do a trick like your mom!" Then I'd point, laugh, and start feeling pretty good about myself. Man, it'd be a great time.

As I arrived at the pier, getting ready for my tirade, I was horrified to see this sign.

(Which, is a pretty dumb looking sign. It seems to me to be saying this.)

I continued on to harass this ugly pelican, but it just wasn't the same.

The last 2 weeks - Part 1.

I going to give a quick recap of the past 2 weeks.

I saw the Fantastic Four. It wasn't horrible, but it would have been better if the Fantastic Four looked a little something like this.



What do I know though? Or maybe just call it the Fantastic One. That would negate the need for a lot of expensive special effects. One last thing, she definitely wouldn't be the Invisible Girl. No, no, the Fantastic One is never invisible.

I was also at the cottage for a week. Upon looking at my girlfriend's pictures, I noticed a lot of them are ass shots. I can't blame her though, I do have a fantastic ass.




For those of you who are really perceptive, there's one picture that's different than the others. There's a prize for the one who gets it.

I was in Clearwater Florida for a week too, but that's for another day.

Update on New Years Resolutions (part 3) - Then I'm off for 2 weeks!!

Well, Now I'll update you on the one about being nice. I'm also going away for 2 weeks. That's right, 2 weeks with no updates. If anyone really wants to guest post, let me know. I think it would be cool to have a guest blogger, the only criteria is that has to be funny. No serious crap, and especially no politics (unless it's about a politician getting hit in the face with something, or maybe a politician falling off a horse. That would be acceptable.)

Anyways, I decided to write something about all the people in my sidebar. Why? Well, because who doesn't like to have their site 'hyped'? The answer? Stupid people, and we know I don't link to stupid people, so here goes.

My sister. She doesn't update too much, but she has good taste in music and, well, she's pretty funny. She has a bizarre fascination with American/Canadian Idol, but, whatever...

Samara. Oh Samara...we were 'internet engaged' once. She was supposed to meet me in Vegas to make it official but neither of us showed up. Oh well. I still enjoy reading it, even though she's a NY Islander fan.

Filmgoerjuan. We go way back. FGJ has been commenting for as long as I can remember. And don't forget to watch this. I don't know if it's gross or funny, or both, or what. You tell me. He hasn't updated much recently, but his comments are damn funny!

Trish and her sister Lisa. These two are funny. I was going to link to specifically funny posts, but it's late, and I'm tired. Anyways, check out this birthday cake, and go buy something here.

Scott and Julia are some friends. They don't update much. They have a dog whom I think is retarded. Oh, the embarassment of walking that dog. I kind of miss that little retard.

Cate and Tim were discovered at the same time. God bless the 'Next blog' button. They're both pretty funny. If you haven't had the pleasure of meeting TITSO and looking at starburst porn, then I recommend you go over to Tim's right now. Cate is a writer who has quite the sense of humour. She updates all the time, so there's always something new to read.

That's enough being nice for now. It's really taking a lot out of me. I'll try to finish off my list later. But until then, I'm off for 2 weeks. First to the cottage, then to Clearwater Beach for a work assignment. How sweet is that?

Don't Bother me...I'm busy.

Thanks to Blamblog, I now have NO free time. This is pretty damn cool.

I reproduced a soccer match I saw at the park. Swear to god, this is an accurate representation.

I love golf!

Coldplay

I bought the new Coldplay cd a few weeks ago and, as much as I don't want to admit it, it's pretty damn good. Then, while I was driving home today it hit me - these songs were probably all written about Gwyneth Paltrow. Gwyneth Paltrow!! I kind of gagged a bit then threw the cd out the window. Gwyneth Paltrow?!

Hello Frivolous Spending!!

How do you turn $40 into $625??



Give up?? Take me to the casino, that's how! Four fours baby! How should I spend it? Any ideas?

Like my hat?

I think it's rather dashing, myself.

Long Weekend

I sat there waiting patiently. I knew if I played my cards right and got a little lucky, I'd get a hummer. And I did. I also took a picture so you'd all believe me.

Speaking of beautiful things, nature is beautiful, and we as humans need to take more time to appreciate, cherish, nurture and protect it. Except for these. These are fucking sick and should be smashed with a blunt object. Protect everything else, kill the spiders.

Of Dollars and $ense

What's up with American money? It all looks the same.


Canadian money is so much better. (insert blatantly obvious joke about Canadian money being less valuable than American money here...no, really, go ahead. There you go! How original!)

Anyways, why don't we compare some Canadian money to its American counterpart?


Look at how big that twenty is! It's huge!! It's also green, which distinguishes it from other bills, like the ten and the five if for some reason you can't see that huge number on it. It also has a nifty little hologram on the side. It costs us $30 to print that bill, but that's ok, you don't want to lose money on counterfeits. (actually, I have no idea how much it costs to print that money, I hope it's less than $20)


Here's a couple more. Look at the size of the numbers! You can't miss them, plus, with the different colours, you can't give someone a twenty, thinking it's a ten or a ten thinking it's a five. (I'd have put a picture of a five up, but I don't waste my time with the small bills.)

On the down-side, there's braille in the upper right corner of the bills, so you can't stiff blind people if you ever find yourself giving them change. That's a pretty important to know - if your schtick is giving blind people the wrong change, then don't come to Canada. I recommend trying China, or Mexico.

We don't have 1 and 2 dollar bills anymore. We phased those out for the much more annoying coins. We have the loonie (which as a loon on it) and a twoonie, which has a polar bear on it. Polar bears roam around all the time in Canada, in fact, I just saw one at the corner when I was going to get my morning cup of maple syrup.


And, finally, because I'm tired, we have the nickel. How do you get the queen on a nickel to smile? Turn it over and rub the beaver (click to enlarge). Ha....ha...ha... How do you get whoever it is on the American nickel to smile? Who knows, and frankly, I don't care. Beaver! Ha, that's rich.

Batman Begins...

(Opening credits)

Hey, this looks pretty cool, but I'm pretty tired, I hope I can stay awake...

(a while later)

Hellllo Katie Holmes!

(boring dialogue - uh oh, my eyes are getting heavy....must... stay... awake)

Cool! Batman is flying around kicking some ass...now..... he's..... playing baseball in his pajamas...What the hell?? FUCK, I'm asleep! I paid good money to see this, and I'm sleeping. Ha! Batman just hit a homerun. Way to go Batman!

loud noise

(Back in the movie theatre) - Woah, there's Morgan Freeman. Where the hell did he come from? What the hell is going on?

Uh oh, it's a slow scene...Katie's back though, but eyes...getting...heavy.
What's that Katie? You want me? Huh? Really? Katie, what are you doing? Oh, I see. Don't worry about Batman, he's off somewhere playing baseball.

loud noise, people moving around

Huh, what? Oh, people are leaving.

THE END.

Overall, I'd say Batman Begins was pretty good, especially the part where Katie Holmes seduced me and we had wild passionate sex. Yeah, especially that part.

Check this out.

I guess I'm flattered, but part
of me still wants
to kick his ass for
copying my post.