Merry Christmas

Worst Song Ever

The Christmas Shoes

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood.
(maybe if you didn't wait until the last second to buy stuff you'd be in a better mood, dipshit)
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing 'round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes.

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say,
(I could believe it. What do you expect from a dirty looking kid in a store? Do you honestly think he has money? I'd just go to another line, as you know it's going to take a while.

Chorus:
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
Did you ever think that it might make her smile more if you were physically there when she died? Maybe she was so sad that you weren't there that she died of a broken heart...
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.
What the hell?! Why is Daddy letting you run around by yourself? Where is Daddy? His name isn't K-Fed is it? Jesus is probably the name of the pool boy that mom is screwing on the side anyways.
Mom - I want to look good for Jesus tonight!
Kid - Why Mommy, are you sick??
Mom - Ummmm yeah, sick. Sick of your father...
Kid - What?
Mom - Nothing.

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
See?? Should have gone to another line.
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
Don't look at me, kid. I'm not a charity.
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes.
You should have thought about that before you tried to buy something with no money. Grown ups trade money for goods and/or services, so I suggest you either go ask your father for the money, or maybe get a job.

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
What? What does that teach the kid?
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama's gonna look so great.
Unless it's an open casket, it doesn't really matter

Bridge:
I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
By using a poor kid and his dying mother to remind you that you shouldn't be an asshole while you're in line buying an ipod and PSP3 that you really don't need? Heaven's love indeed. Why doesn't heaven love the poor kid with the sick mother?
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about

And what exactly did it teach you about Christmas? Some poor kid, with no money has a sick and dying mother and you buy him a pair of shoes and then feel good about yourself? What a great story! What about the kid? What does he learn about God's love? God doesn't love poor kids who beg for shoes. He only kills their mothers? Plus, Christmas is about the birth of Jesus, which, if I'm not mistaken, isn't mentioned in this song.

The choir of little kids singing at the end is really too much too. Fuck this song sucks.

Light my ass.

Here you have hot chocolate. Mmmmm, so tasty.

What's that you say? "It tastes good, but think of all the calories?! Why can't they make a light hot chocolate?"

Well, fret no more, those crazy scientists did it! That's right, there does indeed exist a light hot chocolate!



Now, how many high-priced chemist-type people do you think it took to come up with a light hot chocolate? (The light one is on the left - WOW HALF the calories!)



President - How will we ever reduce the calories by half?! It can't be done! It just can't be done!

VP - Why don't they just put half as much powder in each pouch?

President - That's just crazy enough to work!

Fuck off President's Choice. It's just half the amount of regular hot chocolate (with less sugar, which I'm sure will make it taste like crap).

Huh?

New chewable birth control pill aims to combat preteen pregnancy.

Like they can't swallow.

Christmas at Walmart

OJ Simpson - "If I Did It"

Or, the alternate titles, "How I Killed Your Mom", or, "I'm a Big Selfish Asshole Who Got Away With Murder".

This to me is the most abhorrent thing for someone to do (even worse than K-Fed blackmailing Britney with a sex tape). If I'd written the book, it would be in poor taste, but the guy who everyone thinks did it anyways, and whose own children's mother is the victim who he is going to describe murdering makes it so much worse. Having said that, if I were going to write an account of "If I'd Murdered Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman" it'd go a lttle something like this -

Paul (on the phone) - "Hello, is there an OJ Simpson there please?"
OJ - "Yes, this is OJ"
Paul - "Hey OJ, if I give you 50 bucks, will you murder your ex-wife and her friend?"
OJ - "Yeah, sure. I was thinking about doing it anyways."
Paul - "Cool, thanks."

I'm not sure there's enough there for an entire book though, but I think I could expand it a little and maybe throw in some pictures.

Britney Spears Sex Video

Apparently Britney and K-Fed made a sex tape and now he's blackmailing her with it. He's such a kind and caring parent. (Question: Who has custody of his kids from his previous relationship? Answer: Some poor woman who isn't Britney Spears.)



K-Fed - "Hey Britney, you work that mic nice, want to make a sex tape?"
Brit - "Let me get this straight, you're asking me, Britney Spears, a super celebrity with legions of young fans, who is constantly scrutinized by the media to have sex with you and tape it?"
K-Fed - "That's right baby"
Brit - "Ok, sure."
K-Fed - "Alright, on the floor, and move it real fast.
I want to see your kitty and a little bit of titty."
Brit - "Oh K-Fed, you're such a poet!"
K-Fed - "Hey, you're right, give me a sec to write that down."

Public Service Announcement

Old News

Let's just call this post, "Old News". What's old news you ask? Well, did you hear that Britney Spears has filed for divorce? If you're sitting there thinking to yourself, "Hmmm, I really hadn't heard that", then you're a dirty filthy liar. I was going to then ask a question about some other potentially relevant global issue that nobody knows much about, but I don't know of any. I've been too busy watching America's Next Top Model to keep up to date on stuff that isn't really important. Maybe if parliament had amusing contests were wannabe models dressed up in skimpy swimsuits and the UN gave away $1000000 for 'surviving' in some third world country I'd be more interested.

Person 1 - "Did you hear that they passed a new law that states ... (by now I've stopped listening)"
Me - "Does it affect my ability to watch brainless crap on tv??"
Person 1 - "No"
Me - "Can you believe that they kicked the Indian girl off? That's crazy!"

Where was I?? Oh yeah, Britney Spears is getting divorced. Speaking of kicking unwanted crap to the curb, does anyone know how to get the stink out of a counter-top composter? Mine stinks.

Noel Gallagher Unplugged

In Toronto, on Tuesday November 7, and I'd kill to go, but, since I'm not willing to pay $1000 on eBay for tickets, I'm stuck listening to it on the radio. It's pretty cool that they're broadcasting it. 9 EST if anyone cares.

Huh?

I've noticed on some people's blogs a link to a site where you can buy 'stuff' that, I suppose, is somewhat related to their blog. A good example is this one. Now, I have a problem with this for a couple of reasons. The first is, why does this individual think that I (or anyone else) should have to (or wants to) pay their hard earned money for a shirt, or coaster, or any other piece of, well, crap that has their name/picture on it. I mean, I'm not going to spend money on a piece of crap that has Jessica Alba or Kate Beckinsale on it, and they're famous and recognizable. My second (lesser) problem is that someone has enough disposable income to buy this stuff. There must be a market for it, else it wouldn't exist. Now, granted, nobody is forcing anyone to buy it, but, just offering it seems a bit self-important, does it not?

Having said all that, if anyone wants to wear a shirt with my blog title spewed across it, not only will I create this shirt, I'll mail it to you. For the low, low cost of sending me a picture of you wearing it.

My shirt would look like this -



Of course, I don't really expect anyone to want this shirt, nor would I expect anyone to pay for it, as, it's a crappy shirt with a blog title on it that nobody reads. I imagine it would cost about $20 each to make and ship them, so I hope nobody wants them.

Happy "Dress Like a Hooker" day!

Person 1 - "Hey there, nice bear costume."
Woman wearing lion costume - "It's not a bear!"
Person 1 - "Oh, sorry, nice hooker costume"



Person 1 - "Let me guess, you're dressed up like a hooker?"
Woman in mountie costume - "No, I'm a Canadian Mountie"
Person 1 - "What a coincidence, I'm a Canadian Mounter"
Woman in mountie costume - "Huh?"
Person 1 - "Nevermind, here, have another drink."



Person 1 - "What are you supposed to be?"
Woman in cat costume - "Can't you tell?"
Person 1 - "Well, judging by the rainbow coloured stripes, the leggings, and the short skirt, I'd say you were a stripper. Or a hooker, it could go either way."

Did you ever wonder

What happens when you stand behind a horse you're branding?

Tooth Fairy (spoiler alert!!)

I was reading Cindy's blog post about the tooth fairy and I recall that I had to get some teeth pulled when I was a kid. That very night I saw a $2 bill on the kitchen table before I went to bed, which seemed odd. So, I wrote the serial number down on a piece of paper, and then, the next morning I checked the serial number on the $2 bill that magically found its way under my pillow with the number on the piece of paper and lo-and-behold, they matched, thus proving that the tooth fairy doesn't exist! I was smart enough to know that no two bills had the same serial number, yet too dumb to know that there isn't some magical 'fairy' who gives kids money for teeth.

Paul's Book Club (not to be confused with Oprah's)

This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club, don't read this book!

Well, it's been a while since my last book club selection (see sidebar), so I hope nobody did anything dumb and read Dances with Wolves.

The next book in my club is "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" by Lynne Truss.



This book is all about punctuation and how a simple comma can change the meaning of a sentence. For example, "Eats, shoots and leaves" means someone eats, then shoots someone and then leaves, which might be a good book (nah, I still wouldn't read it). "Eats shoots and leaves" is what pandas do, and quite frankly, I don't really care what pandas do (unless it's an amusing trick for my own personal amusement).

People, in general, I find, can't spell or use the correct punctuation, and they still get by, and probably make more money than I do, so picking apart someone's poor grammar is futile and frustrating. I'd rather not know that some idiot lawyer, or doctor doesn't know when to use an apostrophe or when to use it's or its. I don't know when to use a semicolon, and dammit, I don't care. I say, just use a damn period. People will know what you mean.

Anyways, join my club, don't read this book.

Thanksgiving.

Hmmm, what did I do you ask? Well, not much. I did however, make the second annual trek to pay tribute to the Jesus rock. It's still there, and it still looks nothing like Jesus (or at least nothing like how I think Jesus would look (ie. not covered in moss)). He's kind of a Chia Jesus. Just slap the chia seeds on Chia Jesus and watch the miracle that is life. All praise Chia Jesus!

I guess that's it. I will promise to update more, I've just been busy, yeah, busy. Busy being thankful for things, things like the Jesus rock, and play off baseball, and other crap that I won't bore you with.

Listen....

Do you hear that?

I think that's the sound of a blog dying.

No, wait, it's that Nickelback cd I bought.

Nevermind.

Discrimination!!

Well, it seems that 2 girls in Winnipeg who wanted to play on the boys' hockey team have won their human rights complaint and are now eligible, I suppose, to at least try out for the boys team.

Now, this is interesting, because, if preventing women from playing on a men's team is discrimintation based on sex, then preventing men from playing on the women's team would be as well. (That reminds me of that episode of "Diff'rent Strokes" when Willis was one of the contestants for the prom queen because he claimed it was discriminatory, and of course he won because all the men voted for him, while the women's votes were split 3 ways!! Damn, that show was ahead of its time.) Anyways, they claim that the women's team was terrible so they didn't want to play with them, but now, it seems that they've opened the door for boys who don't make the mens team to try out for the women's team. And, because they can't discriminate based on sex, the boys are likely better than the girls (IF THE STORY IS CORRECT AND SOME OF THE GIRLS CAN'T EVEN SKATE) and the girls team may be filled with boys. That will basically ruin the program, and no women hockey players will develop at all. Isn't that kind of counter productive in terms of women's hockey? I imagine that not many boys would want to play on a women's team, but who knows? Maybe they should do it just to make a point. Seems to me that they're moving towards just having teams and allowing everyone to sign-up, which is fine, unless you want to develop woman hockey players.

It would really be funny if the 2 girls who started all this didn't make the "men's" team OR the "woman's" team because they just weren't good enough. Some people....always wanting more.

Special Features 4

Well, it's time for another sneak peek at some of the special features that you'll get when you join my exclusive blog club.

You'll get behind the scenes footage of me actually writing blog posts. (In front of a live studio audience no less!)



It does a lot for your self esteem, unless they follow you to the driving range/batting cages.



Those jerks.

And, you'll see me attempt to beat the world record for solving the rubik's cube blind-folded.



All this extra material totally justifies the price. Don't delay, join today!

I am a Winner.

I'm not sure why I don't want to post my last name, maybe it's to prevent the stalkers and identity theives from finding me. ANYWAYS, I actually won a photo contest. I'm pretty proud of it if I may say so myself. I might actually have thought of a title if I'd thought I'd win. Something like "Tree" or "Field" or "Tree in Field", something meaningful like that.