Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Ikea- Swedish for "Show me your Penis"

If you haven't heard, there's some controversy over the fact that there's a dog in the new Ikea catalogue that appears to be showing its penis. My question is this - why is this news? Ikea has had inappropriate pictures in their catalogues before. I looked through last year's catalogue and found these.

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Damn, I must be half elephant.

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What's that she's reading? That's right, it's Ikea's Big Book of Penises.

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Even children love the porn.

It's not just Ikea either. I checked the Sears catalogue, and it was even more obvious.

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Well, I guess what they say is true - nothing sells cheap furniture and women's pajamas like a nice big penis.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Watch this

This guy is funny.

I'm sorry I haven't updated much (not sorry enough to update though! Ha!)

Anyways, sometimes I think of something to write, but then I never really sit down to do it, so it just sits in my head as an idea. Plus, Big Brother 7 is on 3 nights a week, so that really eats into my free time.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

$5700? Now try listening

I rarely buy lottery tickets. Basically, I think it's a waste of money. As Dave Letterman put it once, "You have about the same odds of winning whether you buy a ticket or not." (ie. zero). Anyways, when the prize gets 'big' (>$30 million) then, sometimes, if I think of it, I'll buy a few tickets, just in case.

My girlfriend mentioned it last weekend -

GF - "We should buy lottery tickets because the jackpot is $42 million."
Me - "Ummm, sure. I have an idea, instead of buying tickets, why don't you give me the $20 you'd spend on the tickets, then when you don't win, I'll give it back, and it'll be like you won $20!!"
GF - "Shut up"


Anyways, we were on our way home on the day of the draw and she said, "Oh, we should get lottery tickets!" so we stopped.

Whenever I've purchased tickets in the past, I've always picked the same numbers (quick pick is for chumps). 10 21 23 25 33 44.

What numbers came up you ask??

Well,

10

21

23

33

44

and





03

Damn you Vincent Damphousse. If only you'd worn number 03 in Montreal instead of 25 I'd be RICH. RICH!!!

I kind of feel bad for people who have spent tons of money over the years and never won anything, but that doesn't last too long before the thoughts of "what can I blow this money on?" take over.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

It's for our own good!

I think this is overkill though.

U.S. authorities banned the carrying of liquids onto flights after the arrest of 24 people in an alleged plot to blow up U.S.-bound planes using explosives disguised as drinks and other common products.

Note to self - design a bomb made from bras and t-shirts.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!!! (aired July 22)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella appreciates the letters they get from fans. She especially likes the pictures of animals. Look! There’s a cute dog watching Jack on the tv. Dogs eat their own shit though, so I'm not sure of the point.

3 - 6:40 - Ok, here’s a long story, but I’ll try to condense it for you. Jack wanted to reach out to more people, so he decided that late night tv was the way to go. Who better to invite into heaven than the alcoholics and drug addicts who surely watch tv between 1 and 6 am? Anyways, Satan didn’t want Jack to expand his ministry, so he gave him cancer. THEN, after the cancer was “cured” he developed sepsis, which apparently kills you in 3 hours. To make a long story short, he didn’t die. Finally, Jack had really bad knee problems (undoubtedly from chronic over-genuflection) which prompted the need for a double knee replacement! Jack’s new chromium/cobalt knees will last him for the next 30 years he boasts. He had to learn to walk again even! What’s the moral of this story? Something about overcoming obstacles and survival through faith? Nope, it’s that God is a jerk for giving you cancer and putting you through hell, then, giving you sepsis and almost killing you, then, just for kicks, he takes out the knees. THEN, Jack is indirectly saying that the chromium knees are better than his God given knees, which surprises me, as usually stuff like that is Satan’s doing. Oh yeah, unless it benefits Jack, then it’s a miracle from God.

24:05 – Warren Buffett gave 37 billion dollars to charity and then said that it’s a great way to get to heaven. Well, according to Jack, it’s NOT a great way to get to heaven. Actually, if Jack has taught me anything, it’s that it’s a lot easier to get into heaven than donating 37 billion dollars. I say, blow that 37 billion on high priced call girls and booze, THEN, when all the fun is done, say a couple prayers and apologize. You really can’t lose. In all seriousness though, if The DaVinci Code is accurate and Jesus was a 'normal' man with a wife and kids, then I'm sure 37 billion dollars is more than enough to get you into heaven.

27:40 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! It’s called “Daniel: Final End Times - Mysteries Unsealed”. Apparently it’s $120 value for $49.99!! Rexella states that it’s a ‘must for every library interested in prophesy' (ie. Good luck finding this in any library.)

31:00 – Hey, they forgot to turn off the VCR. It’s the same VCR that I have, I think it’s a SONY.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 8)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella talks about Superman’s return. What does Superman have to do with anything?? Well, I think he’s implying that Jesus is/was some sort of Superman, and that he’s about to return. I’m not sure I agree with that though, Superman was faster than a speeding bullet and could leap tall buildings in a single bound. Jesus wasn't even faster than the Romans, and he obviously couldn't leap over them either.

4:00 – Jack discusses the big GM buyout. 47000 workers were paid to leave. Why? Well, Jack lays the blame solely on YOU. Because you didn't buy a GM car. That and because they were making too much money, but, ultimately, it's your fault.

8:00 - Jack asks if a thief can get into heaven. Well, the answer is “yes”, provided that the thief repents and gives his heart to Jesus. Jack then gets upset about terrorism and murder and says that there is (or was, I’m a little confused) chaos in New Orleans, so much so that they had to call in the troops!! I have a question, since when did American troops prevent murder and killing? Anyways, Jack says that no murderer can enter the kingdom of heaven. Jesus says in Matthew 23 v33 “How shalt you escape the damnation of hell?” Well, I think I can answer that question. Just repent (or pretend to repent, you’ll be forgiven). Jack should listen to his own advice. Basically, it doesn’t matter how much you kill or steal, as long as you apologize before you die.

Wait a minute! Rexella just said, “Good to know, Jack, that we can be forgiven for cheating, too right?” Jack wasn’t talking about cheating, and why would she need THAT clarified? Interesting....

13:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! It’s called “Daniel: Final End Times - Mysteries Unsealed”. Apparently it’s a $120 value for $49.99!! The only way I can imagine that it’s actually worth $120 is if there is about $119.50 in one of the DVD cases. Anyways, Jack says, “Imagine, you can know every verse in all of the 12 chapters (of Daniel)” I have a cheaper way to know what Daniel has to say, maybe pick up a bible and read it.

15:00 – Oooh, the earth is getting hotter! It’s that damn global warming. Jack says that it’s a sign that Jesus is coming, I say it’s a sign that need air conditioning.

20:00 – Jack agrees with Stephen Hawking when he says that the only hope for the world is to start colonizing space. He says that because of the pestilences, the tsunamis, the earthquakes and world wars, we’re going to have to start putting cities in space. He’s an idiot though, because, you might not have tsunamis in space, you have other stuff, like asteroids, and, oh, here’s a good one, NO AIR.

Idiot.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Mock Boar if Vacant...

On an unrelated note, it's hot here (by 'here' I mean Canada.) It's hot in Canada this week. I don't have air conditioning either, I just have 2 fans. 2 damn useless fans that don't really help much when it's so goddamn hot. It sucks when it's hot in Canada, the hockey rinks all melt and the igloos start to fall apart, and the polar bears migrate into the cities looking for shady places to rest. Screw you global warming.

Here's a vacation riddle. What's more disgusting than a huge giant spider that's the size of your hand? Give up? A huge giant spider the size of your hand with a bunch of babies!!!

look at the babies!!


Yech.

I also read a book. That's right, all that time away from tv and the internet forced me to read. It gave me a raging headache, but I read The DaVinci Code. I was going to include it as a book club book, except that I violated the first rule of my book club, which is of course, to not read the book. Anyways, it was ok I guess. I think it's only common sense to think that Jesus would have carnal knowledge of the ladies.

Hot babe - I'm so thirsty!
Jesus - Here, have some water.
Hot babe - Thanks. (drinks the water)
Jesus - Psyche! I just changed it to wine! Here, this is really water.
Hot babe drinks the water.
Jesus - Ha! Got you again!! That was wine too....you drunk yet?

After finishing it, I thought that my blog would be better if I incorporated some code to give it that air of mystery, but that would probably take too much effort, so I imagine that idea will be scrapped.

TENACIOUSLY, NOAH VOICED, "YUKON!"