Thursday, September 30, 2004

Say it ain't so, Youppie, say it ain't so...

After years and years of trying, Montreal has finally succeeded in driving out the Expos.

I don't even know how I feel about it, most of me doesn't care. Why would they stay when they get an embarassingly small crowd for every game? (except for cheap hotdog day, which is even sadder, because people will sit through a baseball game just because they can get some gross processed 'meat' on a bun for a buck.)

Olympic Stadium is a dump as well. I've never been more grossed out in a public washroom, unless you count that one port-o-let where the 'hoverer' missed entirely...

Even last night was sad. The final game ever, and they only got 31000, and they decided it would be a good idea to boo the American national anthem and throw golf balls onto the field. Montreal is like that bratty younger sibling who only wants to use something if you're using it. If they gave a rat's ass about the team, then it wouldn't be going anywhere. Why cry and boo when it's their own damn fault that the team is leaving?? I say let them go to Washington, hopefully their fans aren't all whiney, selfish morons who know what having a baseball team means.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Join Millions Across the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (Aired August 14)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella was thrilled to see the Olympics start (probably not so thrilled to see the letter from their lawyer, keep reading). Now, she talks about Barry Sanders being inducted into the Hall of Fame! Barry came to their table one day to meet them. He said he appreciated their weekly tv show! Who knew that Barry Sanders was a moron?? George W. Bush sent them a letter thanking them for their Animals in Heaven DVD, I guess we all knew HE was a moron.

9:57 – Rexella says that in order to prevent bad things from happening, specifically the government being destroyed by a small nuclear weapon (bad??), that we need to do everything we can by praying. Now, in my mind, doing nothing but praying is probably the least amount of effort that can actually be put forward in order to accomplish anything. It's probably the least effective way to get anything done as well.

10:00 – Rexella comments on the fact that she loves her country. Ahhhh, Jack then reads, “where the spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. And because this nation was founded on the word of God by great leaders from Europe to honour God I believe we have this liberty.” And we all know that they were doing God’s will when they wiped out the Indians. Of course God means OUR liberty, not THEIRS.

12:39 – Ha! Rexella says that they are not Doomsday prophets, they’re "just reading the headlines"! Well, technically that’s true Rexella, but you’re also putting a doomsday spin on all of them. I think by interpreting every headline to mean that the world is coming to an end probably does indeed qualify you as being a doomsday prophet…you moron.

23:30 – THE QUESTION OF THE WEEK!! The Incan calendar stops on December 25, 2012. What does this mean? Whoa. This is good. Ok, according to Matthew 1:17, there were 42 generations between Abraham and Jesus Christ. This covers a period of 2,160 years. Divide the 2,160 by 42 and it comes to 51.5 years for a generation.

Matthew 24:32-35 tells us that the generation that sees Jerusalem captured by the Jewish people will also witness the Return of our Lord.

Israel is the fig tree, and when Israel captured Jerusalem in June 1967, we believe this started the countdown. You add 51.5 to June 1967, and it comes out to 2,019.

Well, 2019 doesn’t equal 2012, but wait, let me finish! If you subtract the 7 years of tribulation, you get 2012. Now, to me, this is pretty convincing evidence. If you can look past the fact that Jack totally fudged the numbers to get the number he wanted. Regardless, I recommend that you keep December 25, 2012 open, because what in any other year is just another day where you don’t think twice about God or Jesus, in 2012 it’s pretty significant from a religious standpoint.

26:00 – Ha, do you know why the Olympic offer of the week only lasted 2 weeks? Because the lawyers for the Olympics made them stop selling it. I guess Jack’s lawyers weren’t exactly doing their jobs when they okayed that DVD. Rexella then gets excited because at least that means that the Olympic people are watching their show!

27:46 – Whoa, the stupidest thing that Rexella has ever said.
“Sometimes we’re tempted to do something that’s wrong, to do something that’s right. But, It’s never right to do wrong, even to do right.”
I guess that means that it’s never right to wipe out a country because you don’t like the way they operate and you want their oil. Or, it’s never right to wipe out the poor Indians because you want their land for your own hedonistic gluttonous lifestyle. But Jack and Rexella love their country oh so much, and they love George W. too, so the fact that they say that pisses me off because they’re so goddamn stupid.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Ha! Take that old man!

There were 3 world records set today at the Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront Marathon.

73-year old Ed Whitlock breaks his own 2003 marathon world record for age 70+ by nearly 5 minutes, clocking an amazing 2:54:48. Fauja Singh, 93, clocks 2:30:02 for the half marathon to set another world record for 90+. Michal Kapral gets into the Guinness Book of World Records for "Pram-Pushers", wheeling 20-month-old daughter through full marathon in 2:49:43.

Let's talk about Fauja Singh for a minute. He ran a half-marathon, that's 21.1 km, lots of hard work, many hours of training, a feat not many people half his age, or even a quarter of his age can do, and why am I harping on it you ask?? Well, because I KICKED HIS ASS!! Booyah!

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Can't get enough of that wonderful Duff...

Hilary Duff shouldn't be rich. Why can't I get paid millions of dollars to be bad at something?? Seriously. Make me an offer people, I'm a whore, I'll admit it. I want some of that money that so many of you are so quick to throw away!!!

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired August 7)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:50 – Uh oh, I sense a joke coming on! Damn! It’s funny. A woman captures 2 burglars so the police come and say unto them, "why didn’t you run away??" Well they said, when the woman came out she yelled, “Repent Acts 2:38!” So they were afraid because they thought she had an axe and two 38s. Rexella then feels the need to point out that Acts 2:38 is from the bible. Thanks Rexella, I didn’t get it until you pointed that out…

2:00 – Jack says that Jesus approves of carrying a gun because Luke 22:36 says, “and he that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one.” Oh, but Jack, you should have kept reading, for Luke 22:38 says, “And they said, Lord, here are two swords. And He said, it is enough.” Of course, “they” refers to the 12 disciples, so really, what Jesus is saying is that for every 13 people, 2 swords is enough, so according to Jesus (I’m not making this up, people) it is acceptable to have 2/13 guns. If you’re caught with a gun, unless you can produce 6.5 other people who don’t have one, you’re screwed buddy.

8:22 – Rexella says “God hates race hate”. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s intolerance.

10:00 – Jack says that AIDS will bring the world to its knees. Well, I guess Jack didn’t read THIS.

12:01 – Jack is spewing some garbage about asteroids hitting the earth and the sun being blocked out, and “the moon shall not give her light” (Matthew 24:29). HA! The moon doesn’t give any light. It’s just reflected from the sun! That means the moon never gave any light to begin with! That’s quite a sign Jack. Plus, the moon will still reflect light after an asteroid hits the earth, we just won’t be able to see it. Moron. Jack then says that he wishes he could get into the whys and wherefores, but he’ll just leave it at that. He wishes he could get into it, but unfortunately they don’t teach anything about physics in “bible prophesy 1A6” (I would have put 1A3, but I imagine there’s enough material for a 6 unit course.)

16:00 – Headlines!! “Why is America still an easy target?” Probably because they’re all so fat.

20:00 – “They” are using microchips to ID people. It’s happening in Mexico! Well, as we all know, Mexico is a hot-bed in terms of the development of new technology. I’m sure it’s just a way for the States to keep them out.

25:00 – Hey, the apostle Paul went to the Olympics! I wonder if Jesus ever went… He’d do well in the swimming events, because of course he could just walk (or run) on the water. And I’m sure he’d score well in Men’s Individual Crucifixion.

“The judge from Jerusalem gives Jesus a 10 for technical merit, and 9.85 for artistic impression. Arms straight, toes pointed!! Well done Jesus!”

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Heeey Tigah...

I watched a couple minutes of "Siegfried & Roy: The Miracle" tonight. I suppose Roy's determination and drive is admirable, but he said something to the effect of "God wants me to get better", or something equally pious. Anyways, stupid statements like this annoy me. Why would God let a tiger chew on poor Roy, only to make him struggle to walk and regain control over his body again? Is it possible that God is some horribly cruel jerk who chose Roy to illustrate his crazy sadistic tendencies?? If that's the case, then I like His style... If God really wanted Roy to be healthy and to be 'normal', then that tiger would have just given Roy some nice little kitty kisses, instead of puncturing his ascending cervical artery, or whichever artery was punctured.

As a side note, every day I thank the good Lord for protecting ME from the tigers. 27 years and no tiger attacks. What a saviour we have!!

Monday, September 13, 2004


I have 6 Gmail invitations. Does anyone want these? All the cool kids are doing it...

Sunday, September 12, 2004


Well, as I crept out of my concrete encased bomb shelter this morning I was relieved to see that the world has survived yet another September 11th without incident. I guess that's probably part of 'their' master plan. They'll probably surprise us on the 12th or 13th, those sneaky bastards. I guess the moral of the story is, regardless of how much time passes, YOU'RE STILL NOT SAFE!! Watch out, 'they' are coming to get you!

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Join Millions around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 31)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella watched the Democratic Convention for the fashion. Well, she seems to be pretty fashionable herself, with a jacket that could only have come from the Salvation Army. Now she’s commenting on the different hair styles. Now Jack points out that Kerry and Edwards have nothing on Jack and Chuck’s hair. Damn, they’re stylin’!!

3:10 – Rexella comments on the fact that some people send letters thanking them for the humour at the beginning of the show. They like to start off light because of the seriousness of the show. Seriousness of the show?! THAT is funny!!

5:47 – Rexella wonders if we can have peace in a troubled world?? I think she means peace of mind, because the gibberish that follows all points to the fact that there is no reason to think that the world should be troubled. "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me". Anyone who feels troubled obviously isn't reading their bible! God is with you, you have no reason to feel troubled. Pay the hydro bill? Nonsense, God will look after that. And when the hydro company calls you asking about the payment, just say, “It’s ok, God is taking care of it, don’t worry.” Then when you’re sitting around in the dark, you can thank God for taking such good care of you. It's all part of His plan, just keep sitting there in the dark. God'll pay the gas and water bills too. Don't worry.

8:41 – Ooooh, a profound headline!! “9/11 panel finds deep failings in security”. No shit. I could have told you that, and I wouldn’t have needed help from a panel.

9:00 – Bin Laden’s goal is to kill 4 million Americans. Well, it’s good to set lofty goals, I’d say.

9:10 – Lots of fear mongering here. Lots of headlines saying “YOU ARE NOT SAFE!!” Jack says that indeed, we are not safe. Again, I don’t really get this. Just a second ago Jack said that when Jesus comes the dead will first be taken up to be with him, then the living will be swept up in the twinkling of an eye!! My question is, if, dead or alive, you’re going to meet Jesus (any day now, if Jack’s not mistaken) then who cares what happens?? Does it really matter if Bin Laden kills 4 million Americans? No, of course not. Dead or alive, you’re going to be taken up with Jesus!! The heathens who aren’t raptured away are going to face 7 years of tribulation, which, if I’ve learned anything from this show, is probably worse than some kooky Saudi making idle threats about killing Americans.

12:00 – Jack explains that he’s God’s instrument whose purpose is to warn us of the impending doom. Jack just admits that he’s been warning people for 50 years, and 50 years have gone by, and, unless I’m mistaken, Jesus didn’t make no visit on a cloud.

13:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! It’s about the Olympics. I’m just going out on a limb here, but I can’t imagine that Jack likes the Olympics (or at least he shouldn’t). Oh wait, he does. Hmmm, it seems to be paralleling the Olympics with life, and that you should live life with integrity and that awards await the faithful. Just like the Olympics, drug users never really win, and I suppose that Christians who don’t live ‘correctly’ will not win in the end either. Of course, God forgives us in the end, so screw ‘em all.

16:29 – More spreading of fear.

25:00 – Jack concludes that there will be a nuclear war because “fire, smoke and brimstone” are mentioned in Revelations and they are the "exact results of a nuclear war." What about the neutrons Jack? What about the neutrons? God surely knew what he used to build his humans, and what would come flying out when you fuse tritium and deuterium. Why wouldn’t the bible say something to the effect of “And neutrons will be spewed forth at a furious rate, and all that heat will burn the hell out of you.”

25:41 – Rexella says, “we can all be winners, if we run the race right”. Well, that’s not true. That’s loser talk. There is only one winner, if everyone won, it wouldn’t be much of a race, now would it?? Second place is the first loser, end of story.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Here's a riddle...

What do you get when you cross a slack-jawed, possibly high-school educated, red neck with a complicated piece of machinery that requires rigorous quality assurance to ensure public safety?? Give up?? You get the very reason that I wouldn't ever go on a ride at the CNE if you paid me.

"We can't speculate on what happened because everything happened so fast,'' Alfie Philips, the president of Conklin Shows.

That's a pretty stupid statement. You can always speculate, for example, someone with an IQ of 75 was trying to determine whether a nut should be tight or loose, then they saw a squirrel and then their hunger kicked in and they chased it. When they came back, they'd forgotten about that nut, and moved on to much more important issues, like what goes good with squirrel. Mmmmm, squirrel...

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Hey Buddy, Spare some change??

While wandering around downtown today, I was reminded that I don't know how I feel about homeless people. Are they crazy because they're homeless? Or are they homeless because they're crazy? Do I not give them money because they're just going to spend it on booze and smokes? Or do I give them money to spend on booze and smokes because it will make their already miserable lives that much more tolerable? I'm leaning towards the second option lately. Who am I to tell them how to spend their money? I have too much, they have none, by ignoring them, am I really doing anyone a service?? I say, give the bum some change, especially if they can do an amusing trick, or have a clever sign.

Friday, September 03, 2004

I was wondering...

Does wanting any number of things on this page make me a big nerd?? I think it probably does, I just wanted a second opinion.