Tuesday, February 20, 2007

All Hail the Jesus Chimp

This story is a little old, so if you haven't read it, here it is.

An immaculately conceived chimp! How exciting! They say that they're going to do some DNA testing to see which of the chimp vasectomies didn't work, but I say, forget all that science crap - it's obvious who the father is. It's God, or, maybe the chimp version of God (which, if true, would mean that there were in fact at least 2 Gods, and I'm pretty sure that the Bible doesn't say anything about that.) I suppose though, that maybe there is a chimp God, and maybe we are wrong about evolution, every animal may have its own God, and we didn't really evolve at all. Or maybe we're just some basic science project from some higher power. Our genetic material is very similar to chimps, so maybe the chimp God just copied the real God, changed a few genes around and then passed it off as his own.

Chimp God - "Shit, is that project due today?"
God - "Ummm, yeah, and it's worth 25% of our total mark. I made something I call 'humans'. See? I built them out of building blocks I call DNA. Pretty cool huh?"

Chimp God is frantically trying to write all this down.

God - "They run around alot, don't really do what you ask them too, and, if left alone, they either steal each others stuff, or kill each other. They're kind of messed up actually. I didn't really work too hard on this project. What did you do?"

Chimp God - "Ummmm, I made something I call "chimps". Yeah, chimps."

God - "They look a lot like humans. You didn't just copy me, did you?"

Chimp God - "Ummm, no, see? Chimps run around aimlessly, play with themselves and throw their feces."

God - "So you did copy me!"

The Jesus chimp's mother is pictured here.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Random thoughts at work

You can fight all you want to climb to the top of a pile of shit, but when all is said and done, if you're successful, all you're doing is standing on the top of a pile of shit.

Mexico was nice, and, believe it or not, I didn't get killed. We must have been successful hiding the fact that we're Canadians. Be warned Canada, Mexicans are out to get you. Especially if you're not looking when you're crossing the road. They just wait for stuff like that. I also heard that sometimes Canadians who aren't paying attention get hit by cars in, get this, Canada! Do you know what that means? That's right, THE MEXICANS ARE COMING TO GET US HERE. IN CANADA! Those wily Mexicans. They're talking about a travel advisory for Mexico, but I think we should take it one step further and not even go outside.

Here's a picture of a whale. I now understand why some whales are endangered species. Seeing something as majestic as a huge whale jumping out of the water just makes me want to grab a harpoon and start killing. You just know they're up to something. I feel threatened by things I don't understand and figure it's better them than me. If that weren't enough, these aren't just any whales, they're Mexican whales.