Sunday, October 31, 2004

Back from 'Nam

This is just one of many pictures that some of you poor bastards are going to have to look through. Man, I pity you... Is there anything more boring than looking at someone else's pictures??

I was thinking that maybe I'd put the pictures on a separate site, but that might require some effort, so maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just post a few here.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

I've had it with this country! (not really)

Yup, it's true, I'm leaving for 2 whole weeks!! How you'll manage without Jack Van Impe reviews, I'll never know. Actually, if all goes according to plan, maybe I'll come back with a different set of priorities and my fascination with JVI will be history, for example, a wife who will love me longtime will bite into my free time...

If you want a postcard, let me know.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!!! (aired Sept. 4)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:10 – Jack loves labor day, and says we should be thankful for the work ethic in America. Thanks to the American work ethic, the court systems are bogged down with thousands of frivolous lawsuits, filed by morons who don’t want to work to earn their tvs, vacations and other hedonistic gadgets and toys that we all love so much. I personally think that Americans are pretty lazy, and want everything handed to them on a silver platter. But Jack is right to love labour day, after all, it’s a day off. Everyone loves labor day, except all the bums on welfare, because of course the liquor store is closed.

2:20 – Ooooh, a joke!! It’s about pastries. A woman says to God, “God, if you want me to have those pastries, you’ll get me a parking place right outside the bakery.” And guess what?? On the twelfth time around the block, God gave her that parking spot. Ha ha! I have a feeling that if God really wanted her to have that pastry, the parking spot would have been there the first time, but hey, God works in mysterious ways.

We then find out that Jack’s favourite breakfast is donuts. Rexella then shows a cartoon about “John the Baptist oatmeal”, which I honestly don’t get. Unless there are locusts in the oatmeal, but still, it’s not funny. AND, to make a long, dull, boring story longer, Jack then says that John the Baptist ate locusts and wild honey. WELL, (get ready, this is what all this has been leading up to) Jack says that he doesn’t want the locusts, but every morning he has Rexella, his wild honey. Now, I’m not sure what exactly Jack means by this, but I’m going to interpret it as him saying that he and Rexella have wild geriatric sex every morning before they get up to worship the good lord Jesus. (this part of the Jack Van Impe review has been brought to you by K-Y jelly, lots and lots of K-Y jelly.)

5:00 – Apparently we’re getting pretty complacent these days (with respect to our impending doom that is…). Jack says that we’re too busy laughing ourselves silly watching sitcoms to realize what’s going on. Well, maybe that’s true, I watched this one episode (you may have seen it) of Everybody Loves Raymond and Ray (he’s such a joker) did something stupid and inconsiderate and Deborah (get this!) got mad at him! Man, it was funny. THEN, Ray’s mother and father came over, and his dad said some mean things about the mom, who then said that Deborah couldn’t cook! Seriously, who can worry about the tribulation when Raymond is on??

13:30 – Everyone that loveth is born of God, he that loveth not, knoweth not God. So, since everything on tv is true (‘they’ wouldn’t lie to us, would they??) and since Everybody Loves Raymond, everybody is born of God. Woo hoo!! Take THAT Jesus!

24:00 – THE QUESTION OF THE WEEK!! Oh man, this is good! Well, some dork wants to know if a certain bible passage is referring to America, or Iraq. Well, the bible doesn’t specifically mention names, because, as Jack puts it, who knew that America would be called America?? Umm, hello?? God would know that. Duh. If God could predict the future with all this Revelations crap, then why wouldn’t he know that America would be called America?? Sigh...

Monday, October 11, 2004

Bad Drivers

Know what I hate?? When some dork with their head up their ass catches themselves doing something stupid like coasting through a stop sign without looking, and when they see you, they wave you through like they're doing you a favour by allowing you to keep driving when you have no stop sign, no yield, no nothing. Yeah, thanks a lot, dip-shit.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired August 21)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

00:05 – Ooooh, there was a secret conference to set up the final world government!! It’s so secret that Jack and Rexella know about it!

1:41 – John Kerry apparently has trouble controlling his wife Theresa. She told some people to go to hades! (which Jack explains is a polite word for hell. Thanks Jack.) It should probably be pointed out that wives aren't to be controlled, but I imagine that's a concept lost on Jack.

8:00 – It breaks Rexella’s heart when she sees the families who have lost loved ones in Iraq. Oh, that’s sweet. Oh wait, she’s just talking about Americans. Of course it doesn’t break her heart that some already poor Iraqis have lost their families as well. Why would it? "We" didn't do anything wrong, we're fighting the good fight.


1st Thessalonians 4:16-18 says “the dead in Christ shall rise first, then the living shall be caught up with the dead to meet the Lord in the air.” This does NOT mean that you will die, and THEN be taken up, you’ll be taken up while you’re still alive. So if you were concerned about that, ummm...don't be. Actually, when Jack says stuff like this it really makes me, well, sad, because obviously enough people were concerned about it that Jack felt he needed to 'ease their pain'. It's almost as sad as that woman who was upset because she didn't want some heathen taking care of her dog after she gets raptured away.

11:00 – Jack has a message for those who mock the rapture and the 1000 year reign of Christ. News flash Jack, they’re not watching your stupid show. It’s Sunday morning, they’re probably all hung over from a wild night of booze, sex and drugs. Or is that just me? Well, except for the booze, and drugs, and well, sex.

13:58 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! It’s some crap about the future of America. Ha, Rexella says something pretty telling about her family life. She says, “Get this video, get a couple, get one for your child, one for your husband.” I have an idea, why don’t you share it with your husband Rexella?? If you push the twin beds together you can even watch it on the same tv!!

20:00 – Lots of talk about ‘nukes’. This leads to the question, “Are there nuclear weapons in the bible”. Well, since they exist, there must be!!

Second Peter chapter 3 v 10-12 says, "But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night; in the which the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up." Well, I suppose tritium and deuterium are elements (well, isotopes, but whatever) so it's kind of true...

THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! Rexella says she really wants us to have it. Well, then give it to me. If you really wanted me to have it, you wouldn’t be charging me $30. Oooh, Jack says the bible says that there will be an attack on the United States from the North. Not bloody likely.

Monday, October 04, 2004

Unless you're Scott or Sean, you won't get this...

It's late and I can't think of anything, so I'll just post this frivolously. Ha...ha....ha....