Monday, March 28, 2005

It was one year ago today...

I was sitting on my ass being bored reading Dave's blog (that he never updates any more) and I thought, "Maybe I should start a blog. How hard can it be??" The rest is, as they say, history.

This is Post 1. It's not very interesting. Some things never change.

Here is my first Jack Van Impe Review. I love Jack.

I think the first comment by someone I didn't know was from Treehugger, but Haloscan deletes old comments, so I can't check.

Here's the post that got me about 5000 hits in 2 days. Sex sells. Of all those 5000 people, I don't think any of them spoke english, or ever came back.

This post got me the most comments (if memory serves). Dogs better than cats? Please.

And to top it all off, earlier this year, I was nominated for an award! I lost. Big time.

Anyways, that's my year in review. Thanks for reading. What does next year bring? Well, I'm no wiser nor am I more mature, so probably more of the same crap.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired March 5)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella wonders if celebrity worship has gone too far. Someone bought Bryan Adam’s dirty socks for $1000. Jack ponders, “Who knows where those feet have been?” (A better question is, who cares where Bryan Adam's feet have been? What has Bryan Adams done recently other than sell his dirty socks?) He then mentions gum that was chewed by Britney Spears being bought by someone. He then likens that to Psalm 57:4 which says, “whose teeth are spears”! (You see how he made a pun with Spears and spears??) I personally like Nehemiah 4:21 which says, “So we went on with the work: and half of them had spears in their hands from the dawn of the morning till the stars were seen.” This obviously refers to Britney Spears being passed around like a whore.

17:35 – Nuclear weapons! Russia and China and North Korea all have ‘em! Does the bible mention it? You’d better believe it! Ezekiel 20v47 says, “I will kindle a fire in thee, and it shall devour every green tree in thee, and every dry tree: the flaming flame shall not be quenched, and all faces from the south to the north shall be burned therein.” What the hell? That’s just referring to some metaphoric inner fire, and not actually a nuclear war. Is it possible that Jack Van Impe isn’t the genius and prophet that I once thought he was??? Nah, that's not possible.

28:00 – Rexella leaves us with this - Courage is not found in the absence of fear, but in the conquest of fear. It’s just like that time I missed the Amazing Race. I was so filled with fear because I wouldn’t know how Rob and Amber did, but then I remembered that Bell ExpressVu has time shifting, so I could still watch it later in the evening. I waited until later, but then I fell asleep on the couch and didn’t wake up until 2, and then it was over. Then I remembered that I couldn’t recall what happened the week before anyways, so ultimately it didn’t really matter. Then I figured I probably shouldn’t waste so much time watching tv if I can’t even remember what I watched a week ago. What was the point again? Who cares, I'm going to watch tv...

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

The dealin's definitely done....

Tonight I applied everything I know about poker to my game AND I had beautiful cards, pocket aces, 2 pairs, flushes, and I still lost those hands. I knew when to hold 'em, I knew when to fold 'em, I knew what to throw away, and God knows I knew what to keep. All I have to say is FUCK YOU KENNY ROGERS. You don't know shit about poker. Man, I'm so pissed right now.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Paul's Book Club (Not to be confused with Oprah's).

Don't read a book today!
This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club, don't read this book!

Book number 2 in my club is David Copperfield.

David Copperfield

First of all, it's not about a magician. That's right people, talk about false advertising. I'm all ready for some tips on making big things disappear and the hows and whys of walking through solid objects and such and all I get is -

"Following the life of David through many sufferings and great adversity, the reader will also find many light-hearted moments in the company of a host of English fiction's greatest stars including Mr. Micawber, Traddles, Uriah Heep, Creakle, Betsy Trotwood and the Peggotty family."

Not only is it abundantly clear that I'm not going to be learning any cool tricks, but also that I apparently know nothing about "English fiction's greatest stars". Traddles, Creakle and Betsy Trotwood?? WTF?

Another issue I have with this book is that it's really fat, it's over 700 pages!! (see below for scale)

It's fat

One thing going for it is that it does have pictures, just not nearly enough to make reading a 700 page book appealing.

Anyways, book #2 in my club is David Copperfield.

Don't read it!

Join my club, don't read it.

Monday, March 14, 2005

What has 6 legs and sounds like it's been kicked in the groin??

I discovered the Bee Gees while on the airplane to Vietnam. They played that "Live by Request" over and over and now I'm hooked!

It's a double too!

Check that out! Not just one cd of the Bee Gees, but TWO!

Now, before you say anything, the Bee Gees weren't always about the disco, and they even sang in 'normal' voices where they didn't sound like they'd been kicked in the nuts. A good example is Holiday; it's a great song. Where that high pitched falsetto came from though, I'll never know.

Barry Gibb - "Hey Maurice, that new song "Stayin' Alive" is great, but it's missing something. Kick me in the nuts and we'll sing it again."

Maurice Gibb (shrugs) - "Ok."

Here are some before disco and after disco pictures that came with the cds.

Before DiscoAfter disco

Man, do they look gay. What were people thinking in the 70's? I'm glad I can't remember any of that.

To make a long story short, British music rules. Oasis, Radiohead, Catherine Wheel , Coldplay, Keane, and any number of others I can't think of right now are great. Who started it all you ask? Yup, you guessed it, The Beatles, the Beatles were awesome.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Dear Zach Braff...

Dear Zach,

Because so many people comment on your blog, I thought I'd send you a letter instead. You see, I'm more than just a nameless shmoe who watches Scrubs and Garden State and I didn't want to be 'just another commenter', lost in a sea of other people who don't appreciate you as much as I do. I really like your blog because it's like you're really talking to me. I check it every day - I'm sure you'd update it more if you had time.

Funny story, I watched Garden State on pay-per-view yesterday (it was only $4.99 - I was going to rent it, but it's $5.99 at Blockbuster. I know it's only a dollar, but money's tight since the lay-off, and with the baby on the way...). Anyways, it started at 3, but the pay-per-view station screwed me up, and we missed the first 10 minutes! We had to wait until the next one to see how it started!! Man, isn't that just so funny? Such is life, I suppose. (You can tell that story at your fancy parties, I'm sure it'll get a laugh!)

Anyways, keep up the good work, and I look forward to your reply. I understand if you're busy though. I shouldn't spend so much time on the computer anyways, I don't want to be on unemployment forever.


Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired Feb 19)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella comments on the fact that they got 150 pounds of mail on one day! (That’s including the mail man)

One letter stood out though, some woman was awakened by Rexella’s voice on the television so she got up and felt the need to check on her kids. Well, it turned out that there was a little fire starting in the kid’s room; her kids were saved! It’s a real miracle that she was still able to hear Rexella’s voice over the harsh piercing sound of the smoke detector though.

8:00 – Amazing inventions of 2004!! A flying automobile! A scamjet travels 7000 mph! A 700 passenger jet! Mixing humans and animals! They’re going to be adding wings to humans soon! I think it’d be pretty cool to have wings, I could fly all over. I imagine the preening would be pretty gross though.

17:21 – They talk about the coming of the “United States of Europe”. Why? I don’t know! Something about the final world government. (Rexella looks confused. I wonder if she knows the camera turns to her occasionally.)

24:00 – Jack goes on a rant about replacement theology and he says that the people who preach this stuff have done the word of God a real “injustment”. Way to make up a word Jack. I think you've done the english language a real injustment.

25:00 – Jack’s prayer! It’s so sweet, he begs for forgiveness for he has sinned. I just thought of this – if Jack Van Impe can’t go a week without sinning and begging for forgiveness, then what hope do I have? Man, I’m going to hell.

27:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! Rexella says that we need to buy “Another Hitler Rising” because we need to be able to explain to our families how to protect ourselves from this other Hitler. Hmmm, I have an idea - don't be jewish.

28:00 – FINALLY, Rexella leaves us with this: “A heartfelt greeting can energize the weary and encourage the lonely”, so don’t expect any heartfelt greetings here folks.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Paul's Book Club (Not to be confused with Oprah's)

Don't read a book today!
This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club (take my button), don't read this book!

Book 1:
Where's the damn whale??

First problem with this book - what's missing from the cover? Oh, I don't know, maybe some crazy big albino whale? It's about a whale, not some boring old ship (I think, I haven't read it). Ship = dull, psycho whale = cool. How am I supposed to accurately judge a book by its cover if the cover isn't somewhat relevant to the content?

Further problems with this book are sentences like this:

"We saw young Leviathan amours in the deep1"
Who the hell is Ishmael?

1 - The sperm whale, as with all other species of the Leviathan, but unlike most other fish, breeds indifferently at all seasons; after a gestation which may probably be set down at nine months, producing but one at a time; though in some few known instances giving birth to an Esau and Jacob; 272

272 - Esau and Jacob twins born to Isaac and Rebecca; see Genesis 25:24.

Genesis 25:24 - I'm not looking that up.

Any sentence that takes that much effort to understand is too much like work, and I don't want to work in my free time. PLUS, since when were whales fish? If Herman Melville didn't know that whales were mammals, then I don't really want to know what else he 'knew' about them.

Anyways, book #1 in my club is Moby Dick. Join the club, don't read it!

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Milk Bags!!

Well, apparently buying milk in bags is a Canadian thing, so to help my neighbours (not neighbors) to the south, I've put together a little guide to Canadian milk bags. Gotta love Canadian milk bags.

Step 1

Pour milk from bag into glass.

Step 2

Empty last bit of milk out. Waste not, want not, that's what I say. (Look, I'm sucking milk out of a milk bag!! Hee hee.)

Step 3

Get new bags from fridge.

Step 4

Put new bag into milk bag container.

Step 5

Cut corner off bag for ease of pouring. If necessary, bite corner of bag. (The cat is optional)

Step 6

Throw out little piece of plastic and you're done!!

Step 7

Let the cat drink the milk, as you just wanted to take some pictures of it.

I hope this clears up the whole "milk bags" issue. If there are any questions feel free to ask, but there's really not much more to tell.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Problems with the Grocery Store

The Dairy Section

The bags of milk are always wet, and they smell like stale milk, and it's gross. Clean the milk bags for Christ's sake!

The Produce Section

The bananas aren't ripe enough. They're so damn green. You have to wait a week and then eat them all in a day or two or they become more liquid than solid and you have to throw them out. Might as well just throw them out when you get them home and save you a week of having green bananas on your counter. Or just not buy them at all, I suppose.

The Deli Section

Does the deli section have any sort of guidelines on what is acceptable in terms of the amount of cold meat they give you? I ask for 100g, and I get 130g. That's plus/minus 30%! When did that become acceptable? Shouldn't this sort of thing be regulated? What's the standard? I, personally, think that 5% is acceptable. I mean, it's not realistic to expect the deli guy to sit there and tear ham up trying to get it exactly 100g...well, if it's shaved it might be...anyways, what was the point again? Oh yeah, I like ham...