Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Are you too dumb to breathe?

A few days ago I had the unfortunate opportunity to watch the last 10 minutes of the train wreck that is "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"

I don't get it.

I really, really don't get it. For $150 000, the question was, get this, how many months have 31 days? Hmmmmm, that's a tough one. Don't know off the top of your head? Well then count them! Who doesn't know this? She eventually said 7 (which is correct if you know anything about the months of the year). The worst part was the suspense that they tried to produce. It's not suspenseful if you're not a complete moron. Is the answer 7? Well, we'll find out after the break! (audience sighs and contestant gets all nervous). COME ON! It's like saying, "What's 2+2?" Ummm, I think it's 4. Well, we'll find out after the break! Fuck the break, the answer is 4. The $300 000 question was, "What continent is also a country". Her confused response was, "They all are". Of course she took the money so it didn't really matter that not all continents are also countries.

My 2 biggest issues with this are

1) she didn't know that Australia is a country and a continent and
2) she didn't have enough of a grasp of the English language to even understand the question.

If it had been on Saturday Night Live as a sketch it wouldn't have been funny because it's just too dumb.

The fact that this is a tv show that people watch makes me sad. I have to say that
a) giving someone $150 000 for knowing something that a retarded child knows and
b) being entertained by this show

is kind of pathetic. I'm sure they discriminate against smart people which isn't fair. Why shouldn't I get half a million dollars for knowing a very small amount about a country I don't live in? Seriously. I might be living in a bit of a bubble here, but there are some things that people should just know. There should NEVER be ANYONE who is of sound mind who gets the question about the months wrong. There's just no excuse. If you're reading this and you don't have the capability of determining how many months have 31 days, then you should take a good long look at yourself and ask what exactly you're contributing to society.

On a lighter note, I've been blogging for 3 years. 3 years! That's about 2.9 years longer than I thought I'd last. I guess I enjoy it. Thanks for reading.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

A Report on Tigers

Inspired by Lisa's report on owls, I decided to report on tigers.

Heeeeeeey, Tigah

Tigers are cats. Some people say that curiosity killed the cat, but that's not true - it's really poachers. "Poachers killed the cat" isn't really a good saying, nor does it teach us any life lessons so you don't hear it often. The majority of the world's tigers now live in captivity. Many people believe that it's due to the aforementioned poaching and destruction of habitat, but the truth is, tigers are just lazy and would rather have someone else take care of them.

Tigers eat meat. Some animals that tigers like to eat are deer, wild boar, wild cattle, young rhinos and young elephants, and sometimes, even leopards, bears and Roy Horn. Tigers have been known to kill crocodiles on occasion. Of course they don't eat them, they typically just use the feet for ashtrays.

The word "tiger" is borrowed from the Greek word "tigris", which means "big cat not a lion". Greeks only thought there were 2 kinds of big cats. It's reported that when the Greeks found out about leopards they said, "fuck!" The word "leopard" is from the Greek "leopari" which means, "There'd better not be any more big cats". I won't even tell you where the word 'cheetah' comes from.

Some people think that sitting on top of an elephant is an easy way to avoid being attacked by a tiger. It's not. I've never sat on an elephant, and I've never been attacked by a tiger. Other notable people who haven't sat on elephants, and thus haven't ever been attacked by tigers are Wayne Gretzky, Tom Hanks and Heather Mills. Some people think that Heather Mills had her leg chewed off by a tiger, but they're wrong.

To summarize, tigers are cats and the ancient Greeks were pretty ignorant when it came to zoology. Sitting on an elephant is a sure way to be attacked by a tiger so I don't recommend you do it.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

A True Story

It was a day like any other. The dam was intact with no indication of a breach. Life carried on as usual - or so it seemed. It started with a little rumbling. Not really even noticeable or even unexpected. It creaked and groaned occasionally, but that was no cause for alarm. It's a complex system with different stresses and strains, you can only expect a little rumble now and again. This rumble though, this rumble was the start of something a little more 'serious'. The exact cause (or root cause if you will) of the event is still not known, but on that fateful day, the dam could hold no more, and what happened next, was inevitable. It started out with a couple bursts of fluid and a whole lot of rumbling. Some of hte pressure was relieved, but there was more to come. Workers, flushed pink little workers tried diligently to stop the flood, but their 'fix' was only temporary. At times they were successful and the situation stabilized, but the next day, the dam would breach again, and the fluid and rumbling would continue.

I think I have the stomach flu.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Dinosaurs in the Bible.

Samara's post from last week got me thinking about dinosaurs in the bible, and, because dinosaurs existed back then (it says so in the bible) I thought I'd do a little research of my own. Inspired by the DaVinci Code, I thought that a good place to start my search would be The Last Supper. Now, where would one look first you may ask? Well, since there are 12 disciples, that would seem to be the obvious starting point. Now, which disciple might be a dinosaur? Well, again, Judas betrayed Jesus, and I imagine dinosaurs would betray people before people would (by "betray" I mean, "kill and eat") so I started there. Now, here's the exciting part. If you zoom in on Judas, this is what you see!

Now, it's a little hard to see, becasue that painting is so old, but, if I'm not mistaken, Judas looks like he might have been a velociraptor. Why would Jesus trust a velociraptor you may ask? Well, Jesus pretty much trusted everyone which might have been his problem. Anyways, there are other clues to this fact as well. See below.

If you look at the angle between Jesus and John (or Mary, but I'm not going to get into that, as neither of them were dinosaurs) it makes the shape of a "v". "V" is for "Velociraptor" and that, my friends, is all the proof I need. Just for kicks, I searched the bible for references to Judas, and astonishingly, this is what I found.

Mark 14:10 says, "Then Judas Iscariot, who was one of the twelve, went to the chief priests in order to betray him to them. " Now, I don't know what "Iscariot" means, but I'm assuming it has something to do with being a dinosaur.

Mark 14:43 says, "And immediately, while he was still speaking, Judas came, one of the twelve, and with him a crowd with swords..." The term 'swords' in this passage is obviously referring to the sickle shaped claw that the velociraptor sported on its feet.

I honestly thought I'd have more trouble proving the dinosaur theory, but, if something's true, then it's true, and uncovering that truth really shouldn't be all that difficult.