Sunday, October 30, 2005

Halloween!!

Whilst searching the internet for Halloween costumes, I came upon these few that I found rather smashing.

First off, almost all the women's costumes looked something like this. Since when did Halloween go from being a heathen Godless 'holiday' to an excuse to dress like a whore? This one is a football player.
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If I saw this costume at a party I'd say, "Wow, cool whore costume. The pads are a nice touch. Here, have another drink."

Out of all the costumes and all the models, I only noticed one black person. If you guessed that the black person would be used for the "Long Schlong" costume, well you might be scorned for such a stereotype. You might even be called 'racist'. You'd be right though!

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I guess that's kind of long.

Now, the best children's costume ever.

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Not only would your kid have the coolest costume at the party, but the 'hole in the condom' costume would explain why they exist in the first place!

Happy Halloween.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Come to Extreme Fitness and We'll Ejaculate on your Face.

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This ad pisses me off for two three reasons.

1. It's blatantly pornographic. Will this honestly appeal to women looking for a gym? Maybe I'll go in there for a free tour and then ask when I get to jizz all over some hot model. If they say I can't, then I'll pull out this ad and say, "Well, what the hell does this mean then?" I think this ad is equivalent to a written contract, so I hope they have lots of kleenex.

2. They say the offer ends on October 27th, but I get these ads ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. I get at least one a week, maybe two. FUCK OFF EXTREME FITNESS. I'm not interested in your sick, depraved gym.

3. It's only $2 a month for a short time, then it's something upwards of $80-90/month. That is a huge rip-off - unless that 'other thing' is true, but even then... AND the name is dumb. Extreme Fitness. What's so extreme about working out on a machine with some fat guy's ass sweat all over it?

In closing, GO TO HELL EXTREME FITNESS AND TAKE YOUR DAMN ADS WITH YOU.

Thank you.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Mail Sucks

I got an application form for Tim Hortons in the mail today**. (for those of you who don't know what Tim Hortons is, it's a coffee place that is on every corner in Canada. Tim Horton, of course, was a hockey player.)

Anyways, the fact that they have any sort of job application process surprises me, because, well, they only seem to hire morons. How can you screw up an order for a coffee? Go to Tim Hortons to find out.

For example, I have some of their training material here, here and here.

Having said all that, having developed a chemical dependence from drinking their coffee, it doesn't really matter that they can't punch "Double Double with milk" into a computer, as I'm still going back. In fact, I might just go there now.

** - Just to clarify - I didn't ask for it, it just came. I didn't go to University for 5 years to pour cream into someone's coffee after they asked for milk. I think a four year degree would have been sufficient.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Fake Story about made up kids #3

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"Hey Dad", yelled the boy. "Look at this! It's a human hand!"

"No son," I replied. "It's from a raccoon."

"Why does it look just like my hand?" asked the boy.

"Because your grandfather was a raccoon," I said.

"Wow, that probably explains why I can't resist the urge to dig around in the neighbour's garbage."

"What?!"

"Nothing."

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Player of the Game?

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Nope. It was Berkman. Take that Fox Sports! See what happens when you name the Player of the Game before the game is over? Now what? How will this be rectified? Ahh, who cares, I have to go to work.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

An idea...

I was at the gym today and they were playing a music video station on the tv and I couldn't help but think that if I managed a hot, young female recording artist, when we were shooting the video, I'd get her to prance around in skimpy clothes and then I'd have a shot or two of her in a bathtub. I don't think it's been done before.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Conversation Post

When Brett talked about conversation posts, I just had to share. Believe it or not, this conversation really took place. It was a few weeks ago.

Paul: Hey Jack, do you really think that Jesus is coming? Like, really, really think that?

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Jack:Oh yes! It's an exciting time. Did you know I wrote a prophecy bible?

Paul: Umm, yeah, actually, I did know that. Anyways, tell me about this "Rapture". I'm intrigued.

Jack: Well, the Lord shall descend from heaven with a shout, and the dead in Christ shall rise first then the living shall be caught up together with the dead and shall meet in the clouds and so shall we be forever with the lord - first Thessalonians 4 v 16-18.

Paul: So, how will we know? Like FOR SURE??

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Jack: Well, we'll hear from the clouds "come up hither" revelation 4 vs 1 and we'll sweep through 187 trillion billion miles in the twinkling of an eye - 1st Corinthians 15 v 52. Oh, it's an exciting time!

Paul: Well, Jack, that's fascinating, but what you don't know is, that I've arranged for a special guest to verify some of these statements. May I introduce you to Jesus.

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Paul: Jesus, or should I call you Mr. Christ?

Jesus: Jesus is fine, my son.

Paul: Thanks. So, Jesus, I'd like to introduce you to my friend Jack.

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Jack: ......

Jesus: Oh, I know Jack. I'm omnipotent you know...

Paul: Oh, right, sorry. Anyways, I have a few questions.

Jesus: Please proceed, my son.

Paul: Are you really going to say, "Come up hither?" I mean, "Hither"? Kids aren't going to know what you're talking about.

Jesus: Well, eventually I'll say that, Dad didn't write that into the Bible for nothing you know. I figure I'll say, "Come up....thither" or maybe, "Come on hither", just to mess with people. Wouldn't it be funny if people started looting? Christ...I mean, Damn, that'd be funny.

Jack has since passed out on the floor.

Paul: Ha! That would be funny. So, tell me, Hurricane Katrina: A sign of your return? Or were you just bored one day?

Jesus: It's hurricane season! That shit just happens! It's not easy to control the weather you know. The tsunami on the other hand. Who would have thought that an underwater earthquake would do that much damage? Colour my face red.

Paul: Yeah, you killed a lot of people. I mean, A LOT.

Jesus: Enough already, you don't think I hear this from God, like every day?! Now look what you've done. You've made me mad.

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Jesus: I glow blue when I'm irritated.

Paul: Whoa. Calm down there guy. Oh, on an unrelated note, have you heard the one about you putting the nails down on the hotel counter??

Jesus: ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME NOW??!!? YOU WILL BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR INSOLENCE. WHERE ARE YOU FROM???

Paul: Ummm, Pakistan. Yeah, Pakistan....

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Swear to God, that happened.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Jesus?

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I was walking through the woods on Saturday and I saw this moss covered rock. Doesn't that look like a face? Maybe it's Jesus??

Jesus could have had a huge nose. If had a nose like that I wouldn't write it into the bible . I'd write a whole chapter on how I looked like Brad Pitt. I'd call it, "The Book of Vanity" Verse 1, chapter one says, "and his face looketh not unlike that of Brad Pitt. The ladies swooned, and it was good."

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired Sept. 24)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

00:10 – Rexella ponders, “Will 2 religions cause World War III”? I say, “No”. It’ll probably just be one.

2:00 – Jack says the dead in Christ are raptured first “because they have 6 feet farther to go!” Ha! That’s not true, because the dead people in Denver are still closer to heaven than the living people in New Orleans. Ok, bad example, those looters are all going to hell, but you know what I mean.

3:27 – Jack talks science. It’s so funny. He thinks that we’re going to go through 187 trillion billion miles in 0.11 seconds (because that’s how fast GE measured the twinkling of an eye, which is how quickly we’ll be raptured. Of course that’s faster than the speed of light, so it’s impossible). Jack then implies that astronauts aren’t going to heaven. Damn scientists!!

12:00 – Rexella says that there have been 17 hurricanes this season. Why is that significant? Because the bible says so, that’s why!

1500 – Jack says that they have a lot of new tv contracts for the coming year. He probably nabbed that coveted 3:00-3:30 am time-slot between an infomercial on buying and selling real estate and some knives that cut through frozen pork. He says it’s a sign because he’ll be able to make ‘the last call to the nations on earth’ regarding the rapture. Or at least the alcoholics and sleep deprived people who watch tv that late.

15:30 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! The big 10! Whoa, big news. Revelations Revealed is available again. He says it’s $100 cheaper than it was, so if you bought it before, well, you’re a fucking moron.

21:00 – Jack gets mad at Osama Bin Laden for telling suicide bombers that they’ll be rewarded with 72 virgins in heaven. He says no god would give you virgins that you could have daily for the rest of eternity. Well, of course not, you can only have the virgin once, unless you get new virgins every day, in which case.... I think I need some clarification. Maybe they're onto something.

28:00 – Rexella leaves us with this – “Faith is God’s antidote for fear.” Think about that the next time you're afraid of something. Let me know how that works out for you.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Fake story about made up kids #2

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It was a hot day, a day I wanted to spend outside. The only problem? Flying ants. I hate insects in general, but there's something about flying ants that I particularly hate. I think it's probably the flying, as ants in general don't disgust me as much.

"Hey Dad", said the boy, "Doesn't that insecticide say not to spray it into the wind as it'll just blow right back on you?"

"Tell me", I said, "How do you expect me to know which way the wind is blowing if I don't spray some and then see if it blows back on me?"

Geez kid, wise up.