Saturday, December 29, 2007

Miss Poor Judgement

Yes, it's true, I've posted two days in a row!

Miss France gets to keep her crown! Not that anyone really cares. I imagine she probably has more to gain (money-wise) by posing naked in suggestive photos than she does as Miss France or Miss Universe*. If I were Valerie Begue, I wouldn't want the title "Miss France" to tarnish my reputation as a slut.

Regardless, these are both clearly for advertisements.

This one is for "100% Pure Satan's spooge". Now in a can! Gone are the embarassing days of sucking off some guy who claims to be Satan, only to find out that he's just some homeless guy who lives in the alley.



This one is for the "Crucifixion Water Mattress". Can't walk on water? Well, try lying on the water in this new crucifixion water mattress! Christians everywhere will be dying to try out this new product!



* - Miss Universe should probably be called "Miss Known Universe" as there may be some pretty hot women (or aliens, I suppose) that we just don't know about. It's pretty arrogant of us to have a Miss Universe pageant when we don't even invite anyone from outside our solar system.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Tiger Attack!!

I've gone 31 years with no tiger attack, which, to borrow words from my girlfriend, "is about 10 years more than these chumps."

See? It's possible. You really have to be careful, especially when you know tigers are around.

The thing that annoys me is they shot the tiger. Tigers are endangered, morons are not. To look on the bright side, at least they'll have 4 more ashtrays in the giftshop.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Special K

Why is the Special K that you buy in the States different than the Special K that you buy in Canada? American Special K is flatter, like Corn Flakes while the Canadian version is rounder, like Rice Krispies. Wouldn't you think that it all comes from the same factory in China somewhere?

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Facebook

I was thinking about joining Facebook, but then I didn't.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

The Bachelor

I've been exposed to this show for 2 weeks in a row now (which is partly my fault) but it's a horrible horrible show. The whole point is to get 2 or more women to fall in love with one guy and then have him crush all but one on national tv for our entertainment. Anyone who says the point of the bachelor is a romantic one or a positive one is pretty naive. The other annoying thing about this show is that all these women think they're in love with the guy. You could put any dude up there and that same woman who was just broken hearted over Brad's rejection would be broken hearted over that other guy who she was supposed to fall in love with. How can you possibly fall in love over a few weeks while camera crews follow you around and while the person you're 'falling in love' with is seeing multiple other people?? I mean, he gave all 3 keys to the 'fantasy suite'! My first question, if I were one of the girls would be, "before I accept this key, who else did you give it to and why?" Either he's playing all 3 for some sexy time in the fantasy suite, or he's deliberately leading 2 of them on, which, doesn't say much about his character. This show veils itself under the guise of 'helping 2 people find each other' when it's really about us taking pleasure in other people's emotional traumas. Maybe they should have multiple bachelors instead of just one.

I've been watching "A Shot at Love" with Tila Tequila, and that show rules! I find it entertaining for the same reasons I watch "Flava of Love". I suppose I don't value the feelings and emotional health of white trash as much as 'normal' people.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Halloween!! (basically the same post as previous Halloweens, because, really, how much is there to say?)

So, MSN has an article about "What your Halloween costume says about you"

Here's my interpretation of what the following Halloween costumes 'reveal' about the people wearing them.

The woman who dresses as "Captain Booty" is a woman with loose morals who will have sex with you in the bathroom at a party.



The woman who dresses as an "Alpine Girl" is a woman with loose morals who will have sex with you in the bathroom at a party. This is made obvious by the fact that the only reason to dress up like an "Alpine Girl" is to go out in the skimpiest, sluttiest costume so, when someone asks, "Are you a prostitute?" she can respond "No silly! I'm an Alpine Girl!"



The woman who dresses as the exceedingly suggestive "Cavegirl" is a woman with loose morals who will have sex with you. Period. Why go all the way to the bathroom when the Cavegirl will do it on the couch with people watching? You get laid, and you don't even lose your spot! It's win-win with the Cavegirl. (Also, I think the cavegirl who decided to wear the fish nets on her legs as opposed to using it to, oh, I don't know, catch fish, probably didn't survive to reproduce, so not only is she a cavegirl, but a dumb one. If it's wrong to expect historical accuracy in Halloween costumes then I don't want to be right.)



The woman who dresses as the "Gold Digger" is one to stay away from (after you have sex with her in the bathroom, of course.) You see, she chooses the gold digger because that's exactly what she is. In fact, she might not even have sex with you in the bathroom of the party, she might insist you take her to a hotel or to the backseat of a moderately expensive car.



The woman who dresses as "Cat Woman" is a woman with loose morals who will have sex with you. Now, if you think the Cat Woman is going to have sex with you in the bathroom at a party, you're sorely mistaken. No sir, those pants are way too hard to put back on after a quickie on the sink. You're going to have to take her back to your place. While still a sure thing, approach Cat Woman at the end of the night, not beginning.



The woman who goes as a "Pin Up" is just dumb. You see, without the wind blowing up the skirt, there's no difference between that costume and something you might wear to a garden party in July. Spend time with this woman if you like to hear people ask, "So, you're going to a garden party?" To which she'll respond, "I didn't realize that there wouldn't be a constant wind blowing up my skirt, it looked good in the picture. I thought the wind was included."

Now, to be fair, I'll do some male costumes as well.



The man who dresses as a referee, a gladiator, a pirate, or Hef will try to have sex with any of the costumes listed above. He is a man-whore with little else on his mind.



The man who dresses up as Jason is a guy who still lives in his parent's basement. He cares more about the costume than the sex with slutty women. You'll see him in character most of the night wondering why none of the women will talk to him and why the bathroom always seems to be occupied.

Happy Halloween.

(If you think these costumes are over the top, check this out. There's even a picture in a bathroom! (not sure if it's pre or post sex though.)

Friday, October 19, 2007

Join Millions Across the Globe! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired October 3)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

00:20 – Apparently the Emmys were a ‘moral disappointment’. I think I have to agree here. Didn’t “Dick in a Box” win an Emmy? How many times do I have to say it?? Dicks don't belong in boxes! They belong neatly tucked into one's pants or shorts.

1:00 – Rexella reminds us (for those of you who don’t watch regularly) that they have a cat named “Finnicka”. She then pulls up an article about a cat named Oscar who can predict when nursing home patients are going to die. Anyways, Jack basically says that if that cat were coming up to him, he’d just shoo it away. What Jack doesn’t know though is, you can’t shoo away the death cat. I’m not that impressed with the death cat anyways. Isn’t predicting nursing home deaths kind of like predicting which innercity kid is going to end up in prison?

5:22 – Rexella says that they’ve been to 50 countries, but never Africa. Well Rexella, news flash, Africa isn’t a country. Rexella mentions that animals in Africa are decreasing in numbers and she shows us a picture of a lion. Jack references Peter 1 5v8 – “Be vigilant, be sober because your adversary, the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about seeking who he may devour.” That's right people. Satan = lions. Kill them. Kill them all.

Ok, this is important (for all you lion haters out there). Satan, used to be pals with God up there in heaven, but one day he sinned. That’s right, SINNED. What was his sin you may ask? Pride. What do you call a group of lions? That's right, a "PRIDE". I think even the most anti-religious people out there can figure out what that means.

8:00 – now they’re onto drugs and alcohol. “Drug related shootings leave 6 dead”. Of course it's probably 6 drug dealers, so really, drug related shootings aren't bad at all. I personally would like to see more drug related shootings.

Brand new OFFER OF THE WEEK! Tobacco, liquor, drugs, porn, promiscuity, swearing, gambling, gossip, hatred and pride. No, no, it's not about me, it's about addictions and probably how all that fun stuff listed above is bad.

15:43 – On to the Emmys! Kathy Griffin said some mean things about his Jesus. Jack is pretty mad about this. He says that if she were Muslim and she said about Allah that she’d be running for her life now. I think the gist of what he’s saying is that we Christians should be more like the Muslims. So, while you're out there killing lions, shoot some infidels as well (ie. most anyone). Just don't shoot the drug dealers, as apparently that's bad.

19:00 - He then gets mad a Sally Field who said something about the “Goddammed War”. Of course it was bleeped out (rightfully so) because she’s a filty blasphemer just like Kathy Griffin. Although, it is a war, probably damned by God, so it’s a technically accurate statement.

Now he goes off on the Sopranos and says, that there’s something wrong with your Christianity if you watch it. I'd say though, that by supporting HBO and their 14 part series about addiction (which he mentions in his OFFER OF THE WEEK!!) you're also supporting the Sopranos. Jack, you're such a hypocrite!

Man, that was hard. I'm a little rusty.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Update!!!

Well, I've let this blog slide a bit, with all the working and tv watching that I've been doing. Now, I have some "good" ideas but since nobody reads this anymore, I don't want to waste my time. Show me some love people. I worked so hard over the years to get my 8 readers, now I've let it all slide. Why have I been so foolish!?

Of course I'll still post my 'good' ideas, but I'll silently (or not so silently, as demonstrated above) sit here and accept the fact that I've neglected my blog and lost my audience.

On an unrelated note, we just took a guy out for dinner and tried to get him to do the "72 ounce challenge" where he has to eat a 72 ounce steak in an hour to get it all down. He only managed 63 ounces. I can't imagine eating 4 pounds of meat.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Paul's Book Club (not to be confused with Oprah's)

Don't read a book today!
This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club, don't read this book!

Now this one is a little different. You see, when you spend hours driving back and forth to the cottage, you need something to make the time go faster. We figured that being drunk might do it, but alcohol is expensive, so we decided that reading books might be a good way to a) pass the time, and b) learn something while you're in the car for hours at a time, plus, books from the library are FREE! Regardless, it didn't take too long to realize that reading out loud for an extended period of time is even worse than reading in your head for any length of time, so we moved on to the next best thing. That's right, books on tape.

Dante's Inferno from The Divine Comedy.



(I like the braille on the cover too. I guess it's good to know that blind people don't like to read either.)

This one lasted about 5 minutes before I said, "What the hell is he talking about? If I'd been reading this book, I would have put it down about 4 minutes ago." It's read by some boring english guy too, which makes it even more sleep inducing (not good when you're on the highway). The only thing that would make this book on tape tolerable would be if it were actually Jessica Alba doing the reading, and instead of reading Dante's Inferno she was reading Penthouse Forum. Or, I suppose she could be reading Dante's Inferno while manually stimulating herself, I suppose that might make it better. That gives me a great idea! I'm going to start a series of books on tape titled, "Great Works of Literature read by some hot chick masturbating". Teenaged boys will line up for blocks waiting to learn all about Charles Dickens and Jane Austen. I imagine War and Peace will be a best seller, but I'd have to find a hot chick who really likes masturbating. Maybe I'd have to have a couple different ones for the longer books, but those details can be sorted out later. Damn, open auditions start today! I think the first book I'll do is Schindler's List. Is it in poor taste to read Schindler's List while pleasuring yourself? I'd say 'probably', but it's pretty subjective.

Anyway, join my book club, don't read this book (or listen to it, or look at it) today (unless, of course, it's being read by a hot chick masturbating).

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

New Atari Game



Your kids will love the challenge of pro football combined with the thrill of dog fighting in this new title by Atari. Cutting edge graphics and superb play control will allow you to choose your dog, and even design your own! Sure, pitbulls are strong and sturdy, but poodles are quick and full of surprises. Challenge your friends in the 2 player option. The better your football team does, the more money you make which will allow you to buy better dogs. Don't spend too much time on the dog fighting though, or you'll lose focus and your play on the field will suffer. Make sure you avoid the feds as well or else you'll lose your dog and you'll be off the team!

Atari's multi-faceted "Dog Fighter 2007" will keep you and the whole family entertained for hours at a time.

How much do you have to love dog fighting in order to throw away a $130 million dollar contract? What a retard.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Reality Show Update!!

Just for Corinna, because she asked, here's my reality show update.

Big Brother 8

Daniele is an idiot. She may have done irreversible damage to her long term relationship for some dork she'd known for a couple days. She also thinks "Nothing's fair!". News flash, nothing is fair. Get used to it.

Amber cries WAY too much. She cries when people get nominated, she cries when they get evicted, she cries when she votes for people, she cries when they win HOH. How much water does she have to drink to maintain any sort of hydration?

I like the way Dick plays, but he's a little too 'in your face' and I think people will get tired of it.

So, who will win? Maybe Amber will win, or Daniele. I don't think Amber has enough tears to actually win though... Maybe God has already decided, like what whacko chick thinks.

I also kind of like Jen. She takes so much abuse and doesn't seem to let it get to her. Everyone hates her though, so I doubt she'll make it much further.

So You Think You Can Dance. I think Lacey will win. Partly because she's good, and partly because she's Benji's sister.

Canadian Idol. Greg will definitely win. He's so much better than everyone else. I like how they can use instruments this year. Instead of just being a schmuck from a small town who can sing, some of them are schmucks who actually play instruments.

Hmmmm, I think that's all that I'm watching right now. Corinna mentioned "Age of Love", which, when it first came out, I kind of wanted to watch, but I hate those dating shows (unless it's Flava of Love, because I love watching that train-wreck of a show). Granted, people know what they're getting into, but I still have a problem with a show that encourages multiple people to fall in love with one person and then crush one of them for our entertainment. Plus, in all honesty, I don't think there's any way that a 30 year old professional tennis player will pick one of the older women. I just can't see it happening. Now, I haven't been watching it at all, but I imagine (because the finale is on Monday) that there is one older woman left, and one younger woman left, and there's all this "drama" over will he go with age and experience or youth and beauty (or some other crap like that). Hmmmm, old woman who has had plastic surgery? Or young hot girl who will probably have plastic surgery, just not for 15-20 more years. I guarantee you that he will pick the young girl. I also guarantee you that the producers of the show told him to string along one of the older women until the end, eventhough there's not a chance in hell that he'll pick one. It's all about evolution and the human animal. He will not pick the old woman. It wouldn't make sense.

Shit, I forgot about "America's Got Talent". Cas Haley will win that. I love that guy. Plus, the competition is pretty weak. Butterscotch is good, but not as good as Cas.

Have a good long weekend.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Not Dead, just lazy.

I haven't updated in a while. I want to, but I can't seem to find the time. Just when one season of reality tv is over another one begins! I have a couple things I want to post, so one of these days I'll do it, I promise. If you still come by here to check, thanks, and I'll get around to writing something soon.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Avril Lavigne stole from me too!!

What's all this fuss over Avril Lavigne stealing songs? Have you even heard the comparison? Plus, the song by the group who is claiming she stole from them sounds suspiciously like a Rolling Stones song. Now, this group certainly has a lot of balls to sue someone for stealing a song that they themselves stole. It's like me stealing someone's car and then getting mad when someone steals it from me. They're obviously just looking for money because who has even heard of the "Rubinoos?" Regardless, the Avril Lavigne version doesn't sound anything like the others.

This one is a little harder to defend, especially since it was reported that she claimed to listen to the group. What was all this about again? Oh yeah, I wrote a song about 10 years ago that has lyrics that are eerily similar to Sk8r Boi, only I spelled it with a "7". I never recorded it because I couldn't figure out how to pronounce "Sk7r".

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Lack of Posting


Well, if you care, I'm not updating much because I'm reading. That's right people, reading. Now, don't get me wrong, I still don't endorse reading as an activity that one should participate in routinely, but, occasionally, there's something that interests me, and, at those times, if I can't find it on tape or find a DVD that basically summarizes it for me, I find myself having to read.

Not only is it fat (1500 pages) but there are a lot of words on each page too.



Anyway, what could I possibly be reading about, you might ask? Well, it's about the JFK Assassination, which, for a reason I don't know, interests me. Now, I'm far from an expert on the subject, but based on the investigations that have been done and all the evidence that exists, anyone who thinks there was a conspiracy is pretty ignorant. Saying that there were multiple shooters is equivalent to saying "The earth is flat." Sure, it looks flat, but there's overwhelming scientific proof that the earth isn't in fact flat. You might even want to argue that the earth is flat, but I wouldn't recommend it. You might look like an idiot.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

A Report on Killer Whales.


The name killer whale is a bit of a misnomer. It's kind of misleading, because they're not whales at all, they're actually dolphins. It's widely believed that they were originally called "Whale Killers" because they like to kill whales, but Eskimos tended to be dyslexic, so the words got reversed. White man adopted the name because when the time finally came to clarify it was too late because they'd already killed the Eskimos and taken their land. (Sidenote, the Eskimo name for "white man" is "Killer Eskimo").

Killer whales are also called "Orcas" which is what the Romans called them. It's a little known fact that the Orcas (because they were so fierce) were originally used in the colliseum to fight gladiators, but instead of putting on a good show for the crowd, they just flopped around a bit in the dirt and then suffocated under their own body weight. Not only was it not entertaining, it was a bitch to clean up, as they were heavy.

Now, most people know the Killer Whale from Sea World or Marine Land where they are held captive and forced to perform silly tricks for dead fish. Some people think it's cruel and that the poor whale (or dolphin) should just be left alone. Others might argue that it's our duty as humans to take advantage of animals that aren't as smart as we are and make them jump through hoops to entertain the masses (and to make money). I, myself, try not to think about stuff like this, because if I feel strongly about it either way I might feel obligated to do something, and 'doing something' is harder than 'doing nothing' but I digress.

Killer whales travel in groups called "Pods". Pods take care of each other, like families. Sometimes though, some killer whales think that they're better off on their own, and they leave the pod. The stronger whales survive on their own, and possibly join another pod later in life, others have more trouble and struggle to make ends meet. Sometimes these whales turn to prostitution and porn. See below for a scene from the well known orca porn flick, "Free my Willie, bitch"

In conclusion, Killer Whales are pretty cool, considering the fact that they're really dolphins and sometimes resort to interspecies pornography. Maybe we shouldn't capture them and keep them locked up in a little pen, but then again, maybe we should, who knows, I haven't really thought about it.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

People are idiots

With the exception of you, my fine readers, people are idiots.

I think these people should be shot.

The fact that people think it's a good idea to weave in and out of traffic, and then cause an accident that kills someone is so incredibly selfish that I seriously hope someone runs them over. Unfortunately, I imagine they'll just get a slap on the wrist and then have some kids who will one day follow in daddy's footsteps and do something stupid. I say, stop the chain now.

And, read this. This story makes absolutely no sense and I have a hard time believing it's true. An angry mob in Texas beats a man to death because he hit a kid in his car (and didn't even kill them)? In Texas, why would they waste their time beating a guy to death when they can just shoot him? Better question, why didn't the guy who was getting the beating just shoot the attackers? This story asks more questions than it answers.

I also think that we should cane people who break the law. Seriously. If there's a rule that says not to do something (like littering and speeding through stop signs) and you make the conscious decision to do it anyways, if you get caught, I say that you deserve a caning. The next time you think about littering, maybe you'll think twice after you recal the sting of the cane from the first time. There'd be no appeals either. Police officer sees you litter, BAM, consider yourself caned. What? You didn't do it? Oh well, mistakes are made, you'll get over it. I suppose the only drawback would be that the police officer would have to refrain from letting that 'power' get to his/her head, as they could technically just go around accusing people of things and then cane them. I'd have to either think of a way to prevent that, or, if I can't, I'd probably just end up becoming a police officer.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Cartoons are Kinda Stupid


I was watching the Road Runner the other day and it kind of bothered me that it didn't make a lot of sense. The coyote (the one on the right in the picture) tried to get the bird (on the left) with catapults about 10 times, and guess what? They didn't work! Then (this is where it got annoying) he bought some ACME steroids and they made his legs HUGE, which, in turn, allowed them to become wheels which allowed him to run real fast. He then chased that bird around and came REALLY close but then one of his previous failed traps (not involving a catapult) sprung on him and smashed him. Now, you'd think that, because he came so close with the steroids, and it was really a fluke that his own damn trap caught him, he'd rethink it and try again - BUT NO! He went back to the damn catapults that didn't come anywhere near as close! What a retard.

Monday, June 04, 2007

The Imperial Buffet

"Confucius say, consolidate rather than expand business projects in the near future. Lucky numbers 1, 10, 12, 29, 38, 45"

Paul say, maybe I should consolidate rather than expand, but Confuscius don't know shit about picking lottery numbers.

Anyway, every time we go to one of those chinese buffets, all I can think about is, "Wow, these people are fat!" Then I think, they probably looked like me, until the they were gripped by the unshakeable claws of all-you-can-eat chicken balls and deep fried wontons. Then I just want to leave before I instantly gain 100 pounds and have fat hanging over my belt. I know the bible says, "Judge not, lest ye be judged" but I can't help it. Just because you can eat 4 plates of General Tao's chicken, doesn't mean you should. Show some restraint people! Also, a plate of fruit isn't really a plate of fruit when you dunk it under the chocolate fountain.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Reality Show Update!

Yes, I'm sure you've all been waiting for my reality show update, so here it is.

Survivor.

I picked Earl, and he won. I rule.

The Amazing Race.

I picked Dustin and Kandice, and they didn't win. They came in second. I was close. I rock.

The Apprentice.

I picked Stefani, and she won. I rule.

American Idol.

I picked Blake, and he lost. He did finish second though. I rock.

America's Next Top Model.

I picked Dionne, and she lost. I don't even know where she finished. It was a while ago. I think the hispanic woman won.

The Pussycat Dolls.

I don't really care who won this, but my picks didn't win. Does it really matter if there is one more skanky woman in that group? I'd say no.

Dancing With The Stars.

I picked the guy from N'Sync, and he lost. He did finish second though, which is pretty good. I rock.

Now there's nothing on tv to watch (at least until the next wave of crappy reality shows starts) so maybe I'll update more.

Monday, May 14, 2007

2 weeks!!

It's been 2 weeks since I updated, and for that, I guess I'm sorry. I bet you thought I'd been attacked by a tiger, but, no, it was this person.

Some people come up to me and say, they say, "Paul, how do you do it? How is it that week after week, you aren't attacked by a tiger?" To them, I typically respond, "It's a secret, but for a price, that secret can be revealed." Once they pay me I tell them that it's really no secret, and that all you have to do is not go near any, or dangle limbs near cages with openings big enough for a tiger's paw. More often than not they're not satisfied with that response and want their money back, but typically by that time I've run off.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Paul's Book Club (not to be confused with Oprah's)

Don't read a book today!
This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club, don't read this book!

Well, it has been a while since I announced my last book club selection, and for that I apologize. I hope nobody went and did something silly like read something.

The next book in my club is "Madame Bovary" by Gustave Flaubert.
Now this book is a little different than some of my other selections. I know absolutely nothing about this book/story (other than the fact that I don't want to read it.) I basically chose this book because "Bovary" sounds like "Ovary" which makes me laugh. Couldn't Gustave Flaubert have come up with a better name than "Bovary"?? Like maybe "Madame Ballopian Tube" or "Madame Blabia". Madame Blabia is a good name, no? Madame Bervix?

Sometimes I think "Maybe I'm missing out on some great works of fiction by not reading these books." Madame Bovary has some "Modern Critical Comments" at the back, that, maybe if I read them, they'd spark some interest in actually reading the book, and maybe, just maybe, I'd enjoy it and learn something. Unfortunately, I'm going to remain true to my book club and not read them. What kind of book club would I be hosting if I went and read stuff?

The next book in my book club is Madame Bovary. Join my club and don't read it.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Playing Cards

I bet if you had a deck of cards with dinosaurs on them you'd think that Tyrannosaurus Rex would be the ace of spades. Well, if you thought that, you'd be wrong.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

"Fun" with Movie Plot Key Words

1 English Teacher, Graphic Violence, Rescue
2 Janitor, Television Station, Severed Thumb
3 Entrepreneur, Genocide, Compassion
4 Island, DNA, Eaten Alive
5 Park Bench, Vietnam, Table Tennis
6 Bitterness, Tango, Blind
7 Briefcase, Toilet, Idiot
8 Forbidden love, breasts, iceberg
9 New York City, Hearse, Marshmallow
10 Sex Appeal, Semi-Autobiographical, Music Business.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Free Speech and Don Imus (and Guns)

I don't get it. Why is it that Americans (fine, I'm generalizing) will stand behind their Bill of Rights and all the amendments when it suits them (ie they want to buy a gun) but they'll lynch Don Imus for exercising his first amendment rights? I don't watch Don Imus, and I doubt I could pick him out of a line, but shouldn't he have the right to state his opinion of a basketball team? Even if it's an offensive ignorant one? Isn't that what free speech is all about?

I haven't really studied the first amendment (nor will I ever) but I don't think it says that you have the freedom to say whatever you want as long as you don't offend anyone. Ultimately, being Canadian, I don't really care, I just think it's interesting that Americans claim to have the right to free speech when in reality they don't.

*Update - Maybe the government hasn't censored Don Imus, so maybe he still does technically have 'freedom of speech' but there is a huge outcry from the American public over something he said. Maybe the government hasn't censored him, but the public has, which leads me back to the point about Americans standing behind their Bill of Rights when it suits them.

In other news...

Some nut-job with a gun(s) walked onto a campus at Virginia Tech and shot a bunch of people. Some news station (MSNBC or CNN) said they got an email from someone saying something along the lines of - if more people exercised their right to bear arms then fewer people would have died (because the student writing their exam would have reached into their sock-holster and BAM! Problem solved.) Then, when that guy becomes a hero, we'd have a bunch of trigger happy wannabe hero nutcases shooting people on campus.

Gun toting student 1 - "Are you copying my paper?!"
Gun toting student 2 - "Ummmm, No..."
BANG!
Gun toting student 1 - "Ooops, he's not even in my class. My bad"
Gun toting student 3 - "Did you just shoot that guy who was copying my paper?! I was going to do it..."
BANG!
Gun toting student 4 - "That guy hitting on my girlfriend looks like a terrorist."
BANG!

Why is it so damn important to carry a gun? The main reason IS TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM SOME OTHER KOOK WITH A GUN.

Why do they have a gun?

BECAUSE YOU'VE CONVINCED THEM THAT THEY NEED IT TO PROTECT THEMSELVES FROM A THREAT THAT ISN'T THERE.

STOP IT.

NOBODY IS AFTER YOU.

The media is going to spread fear too. Universities aren't safe! Don't go there!

Maybe they're right. I just thought of something, I spent 5 years at a University and I wasn't shot once. Want to know the secret? Well, send me $10 and I'll send you my protection against gun toting nut-jobs. (All sales final. Product only 99.999% effective.)

Thursday, April 05, 2007

A Confession

My girlfriend and I watch reality tv. A lot of reality tv. "Why?" you may ask - I'm not sure. Having said that, here's what I think about reality tv right now.

Earl

Earl will win survivor. He seems to be most level-headed one on that show. I like Yau Man too, but he's too old and he'll be screwed later on.

Dustin and Kandice

Dustin and Kandice will win the Amazing Race All Stars. I kind of like Charla and Mirna, but one's a big bitch and the other is a midget, and I think those 2 things combined will cause them grief later on.

Stefani

Stefani will win the Apprentice. She's the most professional one left. The rest of them make me think I should be running my own company somewhere. If you can be a successful business owner and be a retard who can't run PowerPoint, then I think I'm in the wrong profession.

Blake

Blake will win American Idol. He's the only one who is talented and can make a song sound like it was sung in 2007. The 2 super talented black women are about 40 years too late to win I think. I don't think they're singing to the right audience and I don't think they'd sell any albums to anyone who watches that show.

Dionne

Dionne will win America's Next Top Model. She's not a bitch and a white girl won the last time, so it's time for a black model to win.

Anastacia

Melissa R

Anastacia Melissa R will be the next Pussy Cat Doll. This show kind of confuses me though because they have all these women who can sing and dance competing to be in a group where you don't need to do either. Only one Pussy Cat Doll can sing, and the 'dancing' is questionable. The rest just act like strippers. Finally, there are 6 Pussy Cat Dolls, 1 who sings, and the rest just prance around in skimpy outfits. The new one is going to be more famous (and talented) than the existing 5 background singers, which will probably just cause a bunch of infighting within the group. Maybe some hair pulling and girly shoving all the while wearing skin tight shorts and sports bras. Where was I again? Oh yeah, this show rules.

These 2 idiots.

These 2 will win Dancing with the Stars. First of all, he was in a boy band where he danced a lot. Probably unfair to the rest of the chumps on the show because he has some dancing background. AND he has 2 legs, which is a pretty big advantage. I really struggle with watching this show because it's just so bad. It's also funny that his name is Fatone. Ha. Fat One. Justin Timberlake is a huge mega star and the Fat One is dressing like Obi Wan on Dancing with the Stars. Someone should fire their agent.

There you have it. My thoughts on reality tv.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Forget about hailing the Jesus Chimp

It turns out that the Jesus Chimp is no more than a run-of-the-mill shit throwing monkey. I'm so disappointed.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Are you too dumb to breathe?

A few days ago I had the unfortunate opportunity to watch the last 10 minutes of the train wreck that is "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"

I don't get it.

I really, really don't get it. For $150 000, the question was, get this, how many months have 31 days? Hmmmmm, that's a tough one. Don't know off the top of your head? Well then count them! Who doesn't know this? She eventually said 7 (which is correct if you know anything about the months of the year). The worst part was the suspense that they tried to produce. It's not suspenseful if you're not a complete moron. Is the answer 7? Well, we'll find out after the break! (audience sighs and contestant gets all nervous). COME ON! It's like saying, "What's 2+2?" Ummm, I think it's 4. Well, we'll find out after the break! Fuck the break, the answer is 4. The $300 000 question was, "What continent is also a country". Her confused response was, "They all are". Of course she took the money so it didn't really matter that not all continents are also countries.

My 2 biggest issues with this are

1) she didn't know that Australia is a country and a continent and
2) she didn't have enough of a grasp of the English language to even understand the question.

If it had been on Saturday Night Live as a sketch it wouldn't have been funny because it's just too dumb.

The fact that this is a tv show that people watch makes me sad. I have to say that
a) giving someone $150 000 for knowing something that a retarded child knows and
b) being entertained by this show

is kind of pathetic. I'm sure they discriminate against smart people which isn't fair. Why shouldn't I get half a million dollars for knowing a very small amount about a country I don't live in? Seriously. I might be living in a bit of a bubble here, but there are some things that people should just know. There should NEVER be ANYONE who is of sound mind who gets the question about the months wrong. There's just no excuse. If you're reading this and you don't have the capability of determining how many months have 31 days, then you should take a good long look at yourself and ask what exactly you're contributing to society.

On a lighter note, I've been blogging for 3 years. 3 years! That's about 2.9 years longer than I thought I'd last. I guess I enjoy it. Thanks for reading.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

A Report on Tigers

Inspired by Lisa's report on owls, I decided to report on tigers.

Heeeeeeey, Tigah


Tigers are cats. Some people say that curiosity killed the cat, but that's not true - it's really poachers. "Poachers killed the cat" isn't really a good saying, nor does it teach us any life lessons so you don't hear it often. The majority of the world's tigers now live in captivity. Many people believe that it's due to the aforementioned poaching and destruction of habitat, but the truth is, tigers are just lazy and would rather have someone else take care of them.

Tigers eat meat. Some animals that tigers like to eat are deer, wild boar, wild cattle, young rhinos and young elephants, and sometimes, even leopards, bears and Roy Horn. Tigers have been known to kill crocodiles on occasion. Of course they don't eat them, they typically just use the feet for ashtrays.

The word "tiger" is borrowed from the Greek word "tigris", which means "big cat not a lion". Greeks only thought there were 2 kinds of big cats. It's reported that when the Greeks found out about leopards they said, "fuck!" The word "leopard" is from the Greek "leopari" which means, "There'd better not be any more big cats". I won't even tell you where the word 'cheetah' comes from.

Some people think that sitting on top of an elephant is an easy way to avoid being attacked by a tiger. It's not. I've never sat on an elephant, and I've never been attacked by a tiger. Other notable people who haven't sat on elephants, and thus haven't ever been attacked by tigers are Wayne Gretzky, Tom Hanks and Heather Mills. Some people think that Heather Mills had her leg chewed off by a tiger, but they're wrong.

To summarize, tigers are cats and the ancient Greeks were pretty ignorant when it came to zoology. Sitting on an elephant is a sure way to be attacked by a tiger so I don't recommend you do it.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

A True Story

It was a day like any other. The dam was intact with no indication of a breach. Life carried on as usual - or so it seemed. It started with a little rumbling. Not really even noticeable or even unexpected. It creaked and groaned occasionally, but that was no cause for alarm. It's a complex system with different stresses and strains, you can only expect a little rumble now and again. This rumble though, this rumble was the start of something a little more 'serious'. The exact cause (or root cause if you will) of the event is still not known, but on that fateful day, the dam could hold no more, and what happened next, was inevitable. It started out with a couple bursts of fluid and a whole lot of rumbling. Some of hte pressure was relieved, but there was more to come. Workers, flushed pink little workers tried diligently to stop the flood, but their 'fix' was only temporary. At times they were successful and the situation stabilized, but the next day, the dam would breach again, and the fluid and rumbling would continue.

I think I have the stomach flu.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Dinosaurs in the Bible.

Samara's post from last week got me thinking about dinosaurs in the bible, and, because dinosaurs existed back then (it says so in the bible) I thought I'd do a little research of my own. Inspired by the DaVinci Code, I thought that a good place to start my search would be The Last Supper. Now, where would one look first you may ask? Well, since there are 12 disciples, that would seem to be the obvious starting point. Now, which disciple might be a dinosaur? Well, again, Judas betrayed Jesus, and I imagine dinosaurs would betray people before people would (by "betray" I mean, "kill and eat") so I started there. Now, here's the exciting part. If you zoom in on Judas, this is what you see!



Now, it's a little hard to see, becasue that painting is so old, but, if I'm not mistaken, Judas looks like he might have been a velociraptor. Why would Jesus trust a velociraptor you may ask? Well, Jesus pretty much trusted everyone which might have been his problem. Anyways, there are other clues to this fact as well. See below.


If you look at the angle between Jesus and John (or Mary, but I'm not going to get into that, as neither of them were dinosaurs) it makes the shape of a "v". "V" is for "Velociraptor" and that, my friends, is all the proof I need. Just for kicks, I searched the bible for references to Judas, and astonishingly, this is what I found.

Mark 14:10 says, "Then Judas Iscariot, who was one of the twelve, went to the chief priests in order to betray him to them. " Now, I don't know what "Iscariot" means, but I'm assuming it has something to do with being a dinosaur.

Mark 14:43 says, "And immediately, while he was still speaking, Judas came, one of the twelve, and with him a crowd with swords..." The term 'swords' in this passage is obviously referring to the sickle shaped claw that the velociraptor sported on its feet.

I honestly thought I'd have more trouble proving the dinosaur theory, but, if something's true, then it's true, and uncovering that truth really shouldn't be all that difficult.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

All Hail the Jesus Chimp

This story is a little old, so if you haven't read it, here it is.

An immaculately conceived chimp! How exciting! They say that they're going to do some DNA testing to see which of the chimp vasectomies didn't work, but I say, forget all that science crap - it's obvious who the father is. It's God, or, maybe the chimp version of God (which, if true, would mean that there were in fact at least 2 Gods, and I'm pretty sure that the Bible doesn't say anything about that.) I suppose though, that maybe there is a chimp God, and maybe we are wrong about evolution, every animal may have its own God, and we didn't really evolve at all. Or maybe we're just some basic science project from some higher power. Our genetic material is very similar to chimps, so maybe the chimp God just copied the real God, changed a few genes around and then passed it off as his own.

Chimp God - "Shit, is that project due today?"
God - "Ummm, yeah, and it's worth 25% of our total mark. I made something I call 'humans'. See? I built them out of building blocks I call DNA. Pretty cool huh?"

Chimp God is frantically trying to write all this down.

God - "They run around alot, don't really do what you ask them too, and, if left alone, they either steal each others stuff, or kill each other. They're kind of messed up actually. I didn't really work too hard on this project. What did you do?"

Chimp God - "Ummmm, I made something I call "chimps". Yeah, chimps."

God - "They look a lot like humans. You didn't just copy me, did you?"

Chimp God - "Ummm, no, see? Chimps run around aimlessly, play with themselves and throw their feces."

God - "So you did copy me!"

The Jesus chimp's mother is pictured here.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Random thoughts at work

You can fight all you want to climb to the top of a pile of shit, but when all is said and done, if you're successful, all you're doing is standing on the top of a pile of shit.

Mexico was nice, and, believe it or not, I didn't get killed. We must have been successful hiding the fact that we're Canadians. Be warned Canada, Mexicans are out to get you. Especially if you're not looking when you're crossing the road. They just wait for stuff like that. I also heard that sometimes Canadians who aren't paying attention get hit by cars in, get this, Canada! Do you know what that means? That's right, THE MEXICANS ARE COMING TO GET US HERE. IN CANADA! Those wily Mexicans. They're talking about a travel advisory for Mexico, but I think we should take it one step further and not even go outside.

Here's a picture of a whale. I now understand why some whales are endangered species. Seeing something as majestic as a huge whale jumping out of the water just makes me want to grab a harpoon and start killing. You just know they're up to something. I feel threatened by things I don't understand and figure it's better them than me. If that weren't enough, these aren't just any whales, they're Mexican whales.




Monday, January 29, 2007

I'll Be Thinking of You, Down in Mexico

It's Oscar time, which means there are a lot of movies to be watched. Why do I have to wait until Oscar nominations to see movies you ask? Well, how else am I supposed to know which movies are good? Or, even more importantly, how else am I supposed to know which movies to like? Base it on my own objective opinions you say? Nah, it's much easier just to have someone else tell me.

Blood Diamond

This movie, more than any other movie ever, has really made me want to quit my job to go to Africa to smuggle diamonds. What a glamourous lifestyle. Guns, money and hot babes - what more can you ask for?

Letters From Iwo Jima

This movie, more than any other movie ever, has really made me want to quit my job to join the army. Shooting guns and digging holes on a warm sunny island somewhere in the south Pacific, with none of the stresses of office work? Sign me up.

Last King of Scotland

This movie, more than any other movie ever, has really made me want to quit my job to become the ruthless, psycho president of some third world country. Money, guns, booze and women, and you get to kill people you don't like? What's not appealing about that?

I may have missed the point on some of these movies, but if I've learned anything, I think it's that I need a new job.

Now, because I haven't updated in so long, I figure that I'll write one of those long blog posts that people look at and think, "Damn, this is too long, I'm not going to read it." I know you think that, because, well, that's what I think when I see a long post. Posts where you have to scroll down to read the whole thing are too long.

I'm going to Mexico next week. I'm going to watch whales. I've always liked whales, which might explain why my favourite book is Moby Dick. Anyways, if all goes as planned, this is what I'll be watching next week. Seriously though, Jessica Alba would be hotter if she'd gain a few pounds. She's looking a little skinny. Eat dammit!

Anyways, I think I'm off until after I get back. Hopefully I'll have many an amusing story about whales, and no amusing stories about explosive diarhhea and food poisoning.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Conjoined Twins.

I was watching a show on the Learning Channel and it was about conjoined twins. Specifically, these twins. Now, I'll be honest, my first response to seeing this was to laugh and think, what a freak! (You did too, don't lie) But really, they're quite remarkable. They each control one arm and one leg, and they do things like sports, piano, and typing on the computer. How can you type with 2 hands when you don't know what the other hand is doing? Even walking would require co-ordinating your steps with someone else who you don't control. It's crazy! They drive as well! Anyways, I just thought it was interesting that there's a 2 headed girl out there. I also thought that it would be interesting if that conjoined twin had a kid (with one head) but didn't let the kid out into the world until they were about 15, so for 15 years the one headed kid would be thinking that they were the different ones. Imagine the look on their face when they see all the other one headed people out there! Classic.

Friday, January 05, 2007

It has been a while

And it'll be a while longer. I was all psyched to write a post, but then I got distracted, and now I'm leaving. I will post later.