Monday, May 31, 2004

Jack Van Impe (aired May 22)

From the world headquarters of Jack Van Impe Ministries (Jack’s basement). International news and in-depth analysis!! (if by in-depth you mean “whacked out references to the bible”)

Yes!! We start off with a joke. A woman is speaking to her soon-to-be husband and she insists that he not open ‘this box’ until after she dies.... ah forget it, this joke is crap. I'll just write the punchline.

That $25 000 is for all the doilies I sold!

Trust me, make up your own joke, it'll be funnier than the actual one.

10:50 – One of Jack’s big prophecies is that Russia is going to march into Israel. Now, Rexella was in Jerusalem at some point and she asked people if they thought Israel and Russia were going to have a war. Half of them said “yes”, half of them said, “I don’t know.” Man, if that’s not in depth analysis, I don’t know what is.

11:31 – Jack comments on the fact that the Americans had to pull troops out of North Korea and send them to Iraq. He then says that Clinton lost the nuclear code during his affair with Monica Lewinsky. He then says that without this code, there would have been no way to intercept a nuclear missile fired at the US. Moral of this particular story? Sex is bad, especially outside of a marriage, ESPECIALLY with a chubby intern.

12:30 – Hey! We can’t afford to take men out of North Korea because they DO have nuclear weapons and “God only knows what will happen in the future.” I’m a little confused by this, because the whole point of this show is to say that Christ is basically on His way, so who cares what happens in North Korea?? I say, “Nuke ‘em, all” I’m going to be lounging around in heaven with all my dead pets, and all your dead pets, and every other dead animal that you’ve ever seen. That dead raccoon on the side of the road? Yup, he’ll be there, of course the tire marks won’t be there and all his internal organs will be back on the inside, just like God intended.

Jack’s pretty excited about being alive to see all these signs, because if he were dead, he'd be in heaven, and well, I guess in Jack's mind, that would be a bad thing.

23:00 – Jack’s prayer. Rexella says that if we prayed it, God will have heard us. I wonder if God heard us laughing hysterically and questioning his very existence?


Iraq – How did it come to this?

Hmmmm, a few headlines about the Iraqi prisoner fiasco. Ha ha!! Jack says co-ed basic training is “nothing but a whore house”. He says that there is alcohol, drugs, and sex galore over there. Hmmm, kind of makes me want to join the army. Too bad I’m Canadian. Why is all that happening? Well, it’s because they’ve taken the bible out of the schools. Of course! Actually, Jack doesn’t say anything about the prisoner abuse, it’s all about the sex. I guess the bible doesn’t say anything about loving thy neighbour as thyself. Unmarried sex makes Jesus cry, and if you’re going to be fighting an immoral war over oil, and you’re going to be killing any Iraqi that gets in your way, for the love of God, keep it in your pants, you sick perverts!!

That’s it.

Sunday, May 30, 2004

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Remember Deep Thoughts from Saturday Night Live? I love these things, they're hilarious. Some of my favourites:

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Pure gold...

Saturday, May 29, 2004

Maybe they should just 'Let it Be'...

I always get annoyed when people ask celebrities what they think about current events. Why is Paul McCartney's opinion more important or valid than anyone else's? I don't care what Paul McCartney thinks about anything that doesn't involve the Beatles or the music business.

I noticed that Avril Lavigne was on Much Music and listening to her speak was painful.

"Well, like, you know, I like, think, that, women shouldn't feel, like, pressure, to like, sleep with guys, you know??"

Hmmm, I wonder what her stance on the situation in Iraq is.

Like, I think, you know, that, like, war is bad, like, 'cause when people die, it's like, really bad, you know?"

I don't fault her for being an incoherent teenager because that's what she is but I do think that we should know better than to ask for her opinion on anything that doesn't involve cute guys and how cool shopping is.

800th visitor!!!

Wow, 800 unfortunate people have had the pleasure of reading this. Actually, it's fewer than that, as repeat hits on different days increment the counter. Whatever. I need another Nobuhiro Sugawara to get more traffic.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Maxim's Beat this Caption!!

It's time to try to Beat this Caption once again. And "No", I haven't received my prize yet.

Hmmmm, my first thought was something along the lines of the dude having a fat lip....but then it came to me. I know I say this every week, but this time (as well as that other time) I really am going to win.

"Malcolm XL"

I hope they don't mind naming me the winner once again....

Curves update!! (That's right, I did some research....)

Curves is classified as a Special Program in the Ontario Human Rights Code (section 14). Here's a Guideline. I think section 2 of the guideline covers it. Is Curves discriminating against men? Nope. It's a Special Program that helps women exercise their right (get it 'exercise'...Ha, ha, I'm soo funny) to comfortably go to a gym.

I suppose it could be argued that Curves isn't:

designed to relieve a hardship or economic disadvantage; or
designed to assist disadvantaged persons or groups to achieve equal opportunity; or
designed to contribute to the elimination of the infringement of rights protected under the Code.

But it can also be argued that it is, and apparently, the Province of Ontario is satisfied that Curves is a Special Program. As for David's golf course example, a golf course that does not allow Jewish people to join isn't the same as a gym for women, and would not be allowed to operate.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

I'm going to sue Curves because I'm a man, and then if I win, I'm never EVER going to go there, because, well, it's for women....

I was reading one of David's posts on Tainted Glass and I think we should leave Curves alone.

The Ontario Human Rights Code says,

Every person has a right to equal treatment with respect to services, goods and facilities, without discrimination because of race, ancestry, place of origin, colour, ethnic origin, citizenship, creed, sex, sexual orientation, age, marital status, same-sex partnership status, family status or disability.

Now, I'm going out on a limb here by saying that, wherever there is a Curves in Ontario, there is an equally good gym for men (I'm not looking them up, I don't care that much). This means that men don't need to go to Curves, and Curves shouldn't have to open their doors to men. If women want a place to exercise where there are only women and no men, then let them have it. There's no reason a man would need to go to Curves, so there's no reason for us to make a big deal about the fact that we can't. Except to 'prove a point', but if that's the only reason, you need a good smack-up-side-the-head.

God bless computers...

I don't like computers much, basically because they're a strange, complex arrangement of resistors and capacitors that magically bring the wonderful world of international news and pornography into my room. How do they do it? I don't know, I've never had much of a mind for it, and taking a course in digital logic didn't help much. I think it only confused me more. Anyways, unpredictable things scare me, and my computer tends to be a little unpredictable. For example, yesterday. I just moved my computer to another room, and set up a wireless router, and magically, everything worked. Now this morning, I couldn't connect to the internet. So, I focussed all my computer problem solving skills and past experience in fixing computer issues and I rebooted it. That didn't work. Anyways, to make a long story short, the wireless receiver was picking up the neighbour's signal, as, apparently, they have a router as well. Thanks to Scott and Julia for fixing it, as I had no idea what to do. Problem solved, internet works, and if I'm ever about to download a whole ton of crap, I know I can just connect through the neighbour's internet.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Original names...

Gwyneth Paltrow and 'that dude from Coldplay' have named their baby Apple. MSN has put together a list of other original names that celebrities have given their children. I was thinking about this earlier, and I came up with a few.

5. Grapefruit. That's good for either a boy or a girl I'd say.
4. Artichoke. Obviously a boy's name. Short forms would be 'Arty' or 'Choke'.
3. Beet. "I'd like to introduce you to my son Beet. Hey Beet, come here a sec."
2. Egg Plant. "I'm sorry, Egg Plant isn't home right now. Can I take a message?"
1. Baby Peeled Carrots. Not sure how an adult would feel about being called "Baby Peeled Carrots", but I'd be honoured to have such a distinctive name. I'm sure any child would be thanking their parents everyday while they are getting beaten up and having their lunch money stolen.

Please feel free to use these names if you're ever in need of a name for a child. I promise, I won't mind.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Maxim's Beat this Caption

Con-jungle Visits!! Of course. Why didn't I think of that??

I'm not pasting this week's, it's kind of dumb anyways. It immediately lends itself to a blow-job joke, but I can't think of one.

Monday, May 17, 2004

This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired May 15, 2004)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and blah, blah, you know the rest...

Rexella is talking about some letters she has received about the Animals in Heaven DVD. Oooh, there’s a little cat curled up on the DVD. What does that mean? Nothing at all, cats’ll lie on any old piece of crap. Jack quotes some passages about “all flesh shall see the salvation of God”, and Animals have flesh so they'll be in heaven. That’s a bit of a stretch Jack. Murderous killers have flesh too. Will they see the salvation of God???

3:00 - Rexella shows some political cartoons about Kerry and Bush. They’re not funny. But wait!! Jack says something funny. He says when he was in college he decided to memorize the dictionary but he only got through “A”. That’s ok though because “if his annunciations and articulations are abundantly augmented by “A” one will allude to his association with Webster’s amalgamation of alphabetical arrangement and automatically alter his approach.”!! Ha! That’s funny, because he used a bunch of big “A” words and anyone who argued with him would think he knew a lot of other big words starting with other letters as well and then they’d think twice about questioning him! Funny! Rexella is really enjoying this, although I can’t help but think that she’s probably heard that one a thousand times before.

14:30 - “End times preaching is religious terrorism”. 7 things that promote religious terrorism is the article. Jack is going to comment on each one!!
1. The Anti-Christ.
2. The Armageddon.
3. The End times.
4. The Final Judgement.
5. The Rapture.
6. The Tribulation.
7. The Revelation.

Jack basically says that if all that says, “terrorism”, then the bible is a terroristic book. I’m a little disappointed in his rebuttal. I guess maybe because he found some bible passages relating to each one, we’re supposed to come to the conclusion that it’s not religious terrorism it's just the way it is.

Question of the week. Please comment on the “Rapture Racket”. Well, Did John Darby and ‘some retarded girl’ come up with the idea of the rapture in 1830? (He actually referred to her as 'some retarded girl', I don’t know if she actually was retarded, or if Jack just doesn’t think much of her) Jack says that is so much baloney!!! Jack goes on to prove his point in the same old way. Since the word ‘rapture’ doesn’t appear in the bible, he has to interpret a number of passages in a goofy sort of way and of course the conclusion is that he’s right, everyone else is wrong, so PRAISE JESUS all you heathen, soon-to-be-sent-to-hell-for-all-eternity ignorant bastards!!

Back to the crappy offer of the week. Something about the holy spirit. Rexella says I need it. I’m not sure I do, but I don’t like them threatening me. That sounds like religious terrorism to me...

Sunday, May 16, 2004

Crest Whitestrips...

You've all seen the annoying commercial where the woman shows up for lunch with her girlfriends and something is different.... She must have a new man they conclude. Well, the truth is, her confidence is soaring because her teeth are whiter!!(thanks of course to Crest Whitestrips) Well, that woman could be ME! I've always wondered if these teeth whiteners work (especially Crest Whitestrips), so now I'm going to find out. I took a before picture, and after 14 days, I'll take another and compare. They give some whitening tips too, number 6 is my favourite.

Use Crest Whitestrips with a friend or family member. Mike and Julie say, "We use Crest Whitestrips together. That way we can remind each other to use them."

Wow, what an exciting couple they must be. And if you're wondering why I wrote Crest Whitestrips so many times, well, I want to show up on Google when someone searches for Crest Whitestrips. Crest Whitestrips, Crest Whitestrips, Crest Whitestrips, can't say it enough.


Because the last movie I saw was Van Helsing, in comparison, this movie was superb. The 3 hours went by pretty quickly and it was entertaining. Parts were pretty dumb, they didn't really develop the characters, and there were a lot of shirtless sweaty men, but despite these things, it was decent. Brad Pitt really isn't a very good actor either. I give it a 6 out of 10.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

This is hysterical.

This is truly the world's most demanding sport. CHESS BOXING!!!. If it's even real....I'm not sure what to make of this...

"Ok champ, by the mobility of a piece I mean the number of squares accessible to it. A Bishop or a Rook which stands in an unobstructed file is obviously worth more than one whose sphere of action is limited on account of its way being blocked. This does not mean, however, that a Bishop or a Knight to whom, at a certain moment, three or four squares are accessible, is more valuable than a Rook who at the same moment can go only to one or two squares!"

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

It's Impe time again....

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell. This week's topic? Who knows? Same as every week.

Actually, the morons at Jack's website have posted last week's show again. It's kind of hard to tell, as all these shows are the same. It's also kind of sad that I recognized the fact that it's the same as last week's. :-(

Well, I guess I'll make fun of them anyways.

"I once caught a fish THIS big!!! Now, I could only feed Rexella and myself, but JESUS could have fed 5000 people (John 5:6-14)! Imagine that! When Christ returns (in a few years, if I’m not mistaken) He’d be a fool not to open a restaurant. He’d call it “Christ, that’s good Eatin’ ” Or, “Jesus' Fish and Chips, come for fish, stay for the salvation”. "

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Beat this Caption!!

It's that time of the week again!! Maxim's "Beat this Caption". Now, to think of a stupid pun involving monkeys....

How about:

Good-byes after conjugal visits are always hard. (Although I kind of stole that one from my sister.)


Tarzan say, "Cheetahs never win"

That's as good as it's getting tonight....

Last week's winner. Who ordered the Jim and Tonic?

Monday, May 10, 2004

What a Charade....

I try to steer clear of issues like this, basically because I don't do much research, and don't like being called an idiot, but this headline:

Bush Sees New Abuse Photos With 'Disgust'

is stupid. Ooooh, Bush sees new abuse photos with disgust. Me too George, I'm SHOCKED!!! Could this possibly happen in an AMERICAN army? Aren't they the good guys?? Aren't they the pillars of justice, and bringers of freedom, and aren't they compassionate, kind and gentle to their Iraqi prisoners? Of course not!! Why would they be??? Anyone who is surprised that this goes on is living in a fantasy world. Snap out of it people!! Bush is not 'disgusted' by these photos. Disgusted that they made it to the press maybe. Disgusted that Ms. Lynndie England is dumb enough to pose for photographs maybe. Disgusted that he has to deal with it now.

I like this article, thanks to Tainted Glass for finding it.


Colleen Kesner, a local in her home town, said: "To the country boys here, if you're a different nationality, a different race, you're sub-human. That's the way that girls like Lynndie are raised.

"Tormenting Iraqis, to their mind, would be no different from shooting a turkey."

Who's Colleen Kesner? Who cares? But she knows what Joe "Country Bumpkin" American is like. Lynndie England, leaves the trailer park to venture out on an exciting journey to IRAQ!! That's further away than the county line (which was probably the furthest away from home she'd ever been). This is what happens when you take an ignorant, redneck trailer park dweller, and give them power over people who they feel superior too. What can be done about this?? Nothing. People will always find ways to harass and torment people who they don't see as equal, and I'd be pretty comfortable in saying that Ms. England doesn't see anything wrong with what she did. She's probably confused about why everyone is making such a big deal about it. These are the types of people who want to be prison guards in the army. I can't imagine it's the type of job that appeals to the educated, well adjusted compassionate people of the world. The saddest thing about this? She's 4 months pregnant, and that kid will think the exact same way that she does. Like father like son.....

Saturday, May 08, 2004

Van Helsing!!

Don't go see this movie! I implore you. It is CRAP. Words can't really express how bad this movie is. Well, some words can, for example, awful, abominable, amiss, atrocious, awful, bad, beastly, blah, bottom out, bummer, careless, cheap, cheesy, crappy, cruddy, crummy, defective, deficient, diddly, dissatisfactory, downer, dreadful, erroneous, fallacious, faulty, garbage, ghastly, god-awful, gross, grungy, horrid, icky, imperfect, inadequate, incorrect, inferior, junky, lousy, not good, off, pathetic, poor, raunchy, rough, sad, scuzzy, shockingly repellent, slipshod, stinking, substandard, the pits, terrible, unacceptable, unsatisfactory.

Having said that, there were a few good things about this, wait, there weren't. It just plain sucked. No plot, no dialogue, bad editing, bad directing, bad special effects. It appears that minimal effort was put into making this movie decent. The fact that it's going to make money makes me sad.

I give it 1/10, simply because Kate Beckinsale is so hot. If it were just her sitting in a chair reading for 2 hours, I'd give it a 3/10. It'd still be weak on plot and dialogue, but you wouldn't want to gouge your eyes out when it was over.

In case you don't believe me:

Sucky Review 1
Sucky Review 2
Sucky Review 3

Thursday, May 06, 2004

Give me a break!

This pisses me off. Why must we put advertisements on EVERYTHING? We have enough advertisements around us ALL THE TIME, why on earth do we have to put Spiderman ads on bases? This has to end!

The promotion, announced Wednesday, is part of baseball's pitch to appeal to younger fans.

How? Who, other than the players and people watching tv, are going to see these ads on the bases? If young fans are going to the game solely because there's a Spiderman ad on a base, then the sport is dead. If you want the sport to appeal to younger fans, make it easier for families to go. Decrease the ticket prices, make the players available for autographs and pictures. We should go to the game to see our 'heroes' running the bases, not to see super heroes ON the bases.

Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe presents!!!! (aired May 1, 2004)

From the world headquarters of Jack Van Impe Ministries (Jack’s basement). International news and in-depth analysis!! (if by in-depth you mean “whacked out references to the bible”)

Rexella still has the stupid glasses on.

2:50 – Rexella says that Protestant, Catholic and Orthodox denominations all preach the same stuff as Jack. She then goes through some of these prophecies and Jack spews some verses that agree with them. It’s nice that we all get along, but not so nice that they all agree with Jack. THAT must be a sign.

Lots of signs! Pestilence!! Earthquakes!! The Anti-Christ who Jesus will destroy to determine the undisputed ruler of the universe! It's a unification bout, no standing 8 count. They’re all signs!! A bolt of lightning from east to west will announce that the Lord has arrived!! That Don King sure knows how to put on a show.

7:35 – More signs.

9:25 – Jack says the world is never going to end. NEVER!! I know some astronomers who would disagree. I believe that in some enormous number of years the earth is going to be swallowed by the sun, and then the world WILL end. We’ll all be cooked. Actually, we’ll all probably be long dead, so there won’t be anyone here to realize that taking the bible literally was a waste of a good life. Unless we're all living on Mars.

10:00 - Ooooh, headlines!! Uh oh,”Mother God would enable more freedom!!” I doubt Jack likes the idea of a mother God… Rexella says, “Mother Gawd? Mother Gawd?” She seems so baffled by that statement. How could anyone with half a brain possibly think something that isn’t in the bible?? Jack says, “Our FATHER who art in Heaven. Unto us a child is born, unto us a SON is given.” Ain’t no room for no mother God. ‘HE’, ‘HE’, ‘HE’….the bible refers to God as He, therefore it is true.

14:46 – Again, Jack proves the bible is true by finding some bible passages that say so. :-(

15:30 - Jack proves that the bible is the word of God by quoting a bunch of numbers, and comparing 24800 direct manuscripts of the bible in existence. Compare them, they are the same. Whoa, more whacked out ‘evidence’ that doesn’t make any sense. You might want to check out this part. Jack is proud of his proof. I think he’s an idiot who only proved that he’s a nut.

Finally, there’s a new OFFER OF THE WEEK!!!! The Baptism of the Holy Spirit?? That’s not half as interesting as “Animals in Heaven”.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK!! Is the end imminent??? Well, Jack doesn’t believe the world is going to end, for at least another 1000 years!! World is going to end? That’s just ridiculous!! The earth even after 1000 years will never end. The meek inherit the earth for ever and ever. Of his kingdom there will be no end. QED!! Signed sealed and delivered, Jack has once again proven that the world will never end. Sun swallowing the earth in a umpteen billion years?? Hogwash. Bible don’t make no reference to that so it will NEVER happen. It’s just baloney. Sheer baloney.

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

RIP Leafs....

For those of you who may not remember, read this (pay special attention to the last line). Am I psychic?? No, of course not, just realistic. I'm almost looking forward to listening to the excuses the radio stations come up with tomorrow for this unbelievable upset.

Beat this Caption!!!

Well, I've decided to return to the wonderful world of Maxim's "Beat this Caption". I took a few weeks off after my glorious win. Haven't gotten my prize yet either.....

I was thinking something along the lines of

"Optical Illusions: Some people see a glass, some see 2 faces, but if you look real close you can see an old bald guy."

I think that's too 'high brow' though. Maybe,

"I only need to wear it when I'm reading"

implying that it's a reading glass, or

"After dinner, Grandpa didn't notice that he had something on his lip."

Man, I'm so funny!! I can't decide which one to submit.

Monday, May 03, 2004

Check this out!!

If you search for "Jack Van Impe" "Animals in Heaven", on AOL Search the top 5 sites are all mine!!! I pity the poor bastard who actually wants to find that DVD. Their poor dog is dead, and all they can find are my Jack Van Impe reviews. If only I could ease their pain...

Most Demanding Sports has put together a list of the most demanding sports. They rate
them in terms of a number of criteria. See the page for a list and their explanations.

What do they say is the most demanding sport?? Boxing. Ice hockey is second, football third, basketball fourth. I don't know about you, but I think this list is messed up. They list baseball/softball in the top ten. I like baseball, but it's not all that demanding. Any sport a big fat guy can excel at, in my opinion isn't all that demanding. I dislike soccer a lot, but I'd still say it's more demanding than baseball, and basketball for that matter. They stacked the basketball score. Stupid Americans, can't admit that a sport they love is wussy. They also rate skateboarding above rowing. I've 'rowed' on a rowing machine before, and it's hard. Skateboarding harder than rowing?? I can't imagine. The 'NERVE' category shouldn't even be a category. Who says that the highdiver has to overcome any fear? Why do we assume that they're afraid? Pretty subjective if you ask me. I personally think hockey is more demanding than boxing, but then again, I've never boxed. I don't have the nerve....

Sunday, May 02, 2004

Willkommenes Deutschland!!

Ich habe beachtet, daß es viele deutsche Suchen nach "Nobuhiro Sugawara" auf Google gibt. Es gibt eine Verbindung zu ihr unten. Danke für vorbei stoppen. Ich weiß, daß die Übersetzung schlecht ist, aber bitte eine Anmerkung läßt (COMMENT). Danke!!