Sunday, August 29, 2004

And you thought Canadian Idol was bad...

Yes, that's right, it's Arab Idol!!.

The two finalists were a Palestinian, Ammar Hassan, and a Libyan, Ayman al-A'tar. In a gripping final, that I imagine could only be made better by a lack-luster robotic commentary by Ben Mulroney, the people voted and Ayman al-A'tar won with a whopping 54% of the vote. Ammar Hassan may have suffered from his song choices, "Hey, I Can't Terrorize with that Wall There" and the chart topping power ballad, "I'm in Love with a Girl on the Bus, too Bad I'm Going to Blow Her Up".

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

D'oh Canada...

And she didn't even take out the American.

Monday, August 23, 2004

Judge not, lest ye be judged.

All events where judging is required to determine a winner should be removed from the Olympics. There is always controversy. Ok, maybe that's too extreme, maybe there should be about 20 judges who all score an event, and then 5 or 6 are randomly chosen to count. Judges from the country of the athlete who is being judged will not be considered. Or, better yet, if there is a Canadian competing, there will be no Canadian judge at all. My sister had some good ideas too.

With respect to drugs, I say, if an American gets caught using drugs, then every American in the games is booted out. I'm all for punishing the entire country for one moron's poor judgement. Do you think people would still take drugs if they knew that the whole country would lose their medals if they got caught? I'm sure some would, but the country who produces that idiot deserves what they'd get. There's a ton of drug use still going on. The current methods of deterring it don't seem to be working.

While I'm ranting about the Olympics, the medal total should be divided by the total number of athletes that that country has competing, or by the total population of the country, or maybe by the budget that the country spends on their Olympic program. It would make the totals more meaningful. For example, if the States won 60 medals, and they had 300 athletes there, they'd get a score of 0.20. If Canada won 10 medals, but only had 50 athletes, we'd tie the States with a score of 0.20. I'm not looking at the actual numbers, so if this method still makes the States #1, I'll have to think of something else...

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 24)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

5:14 – “A day with the Lord is as a thousand years, and a thousand years is as a day.” So, because God created the world in 6 days, and rested on the 7th day, the world will go on for 6000 years and then when the 7th day starts, the next 1000 years will be the 1000 days that Christ will spend here after he returns! Guess what?? We just started the 7000th year!! He’s coming soon!! This also means that the earth is only 6000 years old, which, as most people know, isn’t true.

17:00 – Science is truly amazing in so many areas says Rexella! Car goes 330 mph. Car runs on vegetable oil. 1.4 billion dollar spacecraft is heading towards Saturn. Hubble telescope spots planets. Wheelchair that runs on thought (I wish I could walk, I wish I could walk, hey, I’m moving!! – NOTE: I almost didn’t keep that in, is that too insensitive??).

“Smart pills make headway”, Rexella says that she could use some of those! No kidding. I’d love to see Jack’s show after he took some smart pills. “Jesus on a cloud?? Man, this book is whacked!!”

18:40 – We are told by the specialists who study space (I think they’re called astronomers, Jack) that there are 50 billion worlds out there. Jack then says that that isn’t hard for him to believe because the bible says Christ created the worlds PLURAL. This is pretty funny, because the same scientists who tell you about the planets will tell you that the earth is more than 6000 years old. Moron.

Math made easy by Jack!! The human brain has 100 billion cells and 50 000 connectors. For a total of 1000 million million connections (or 1 gajillion to the lay person) What does this mean? Take a dense forest that is one million square miles, take all the leaves from all the trees, and you have an idea of how many connectors are in a human’s brain. No you don’t. Saying there are 1000 million million leaves is just as hard to picture as saying there are 1000 million million connections in your brain. Jack, your kooky explanation didn’t help at all. Why not say, if you stacked a gajillion bibles on top of each other and took them to the sun, you’d be better off, as there wouldn’t be any bibles around here anymore.

24:00 – Jack’s prayer. Save me Jack! Save me!!

25:00 – The QUESTION OF THE WEEK!! Oh, it’s a good one. When a young man of someone’s church gets married, his friends take him to a strip club where he gets drunk. Of course, Christians don’t belong in strip clubs, so alternate ‘clean’ and ‘fun’ (read “boring”) activities are suggested. Everyone goes to strip clubs for bachelor parties, AND, if Jesus is omnipresent, then he’s ALWAYS at a strip club, actually, he’s always at EVERY strip club. Man, what a pervert. That's probably why he's always asking God for change...

Jesus - "Hey Dad, can I have 4 fives for a twenty?"

God - "What's with you and the five dollar bills?? And why do you smell funny??

26:20 – Well, Jack says all can be forgiven. That’s good news. I’ll beg for forgiveness in about 60 years. Why waste good years by begging for forgiveness now?? I pity the chump who doesn’t figure that one out.

28:00 – You’re headed in the right direction when you walk with God. Sure, whatever.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

It's Coming Right at Me!!!

Look at that bear. Isn't nature beautiful?? It's so beautiful that I'd like to take it home with me and mount it on my wall as a constant reminder of how beautiful nature can be.

Hunters who hunt for fun are pansies. If you're a hunter, then I apologize (not really, you pansy) but shooting a defenseless animal that doesn't even know you're there is just weak. Everyone knows that humans are the dominant species on the planet, the fact that you have a high-powered rifle, and that you drove your 4x4 Explorer to the hunt should tell you that. Why not use your big brain and opposable thumbs for something a little more constructive than shooting animals? You'd better eat every last piece of that bear, and make a coat out of the fur or else I hope the bear gets you. Which leads me to this - if some stupid hunter manages to get himself attacked (or god forbid killed) by a bear, our first reaction is to go find and kill the bear. Why? I say, give that bear a medal. Give the bear a life-long exemption from being hunted. That bear is a hero. If you intrude on an animal's territory, and you manage to get yourself attacked, then you deserve it. You can't fault a bear for being a bear, and your big brain should have told you that there are risks involved in hunting big strong animals. Don't kill the bears for being bears. It's not fair.

Saturday, August 14, 2004

It's not my fault, it's the media.

A few posts back in the comments section, the importance of eyebrows came up. I'll admit, I like to see a nicely shaped eyebrow. Lisa then likened unmaintained eyebrows to unshaven armpits, and I guess it wouldn't be much of a stretch to add unshaven legs to that as well. Now, the point of all this was, it's true. Hairy legs and especially hairy armpits on a woman are terribly unattractive. There is some leeway for the eyebrows though. Anyways, why is that? Is it evolutionarily favourable for women to have no armpit hair or leg hair?? Of course not, if that were the case, women wouldn't have to shave their legs and armpits. Natural selection would have weeded out the hairy women and women would have evolved so that leg hair and armpit hair just didn't grow. I personally think it's because we (as males) see women on tv, in movies, and in magazines who we are told are attractive and of course, they're all sans hair (and skinny too). We then adopt this notion of what is considered attractive, and it sticks.
This article states that it all started back in the early 1900s with ads for sleeveless dresses, but it also indicates that women have always been fussy about their hair (or men have been fussy about women's hair), it just wasn't until 1915 that women's clothing started uncovering the armpits. I guess by the time a guy got to the point of seeing a woman's armpits back then, he wasn't really so concerned about how hairy she was.
I guess, me personally, look at whether or not a woman shaves her legs/armpits/eyebrows as an indication of how well she takes care of herself. A woman who tries to look 'good' is more physically attractive than a woman who just lets everything go 'wild' and says, "it shouldn't matter". In a perfect world, maybe it shouldn't matter, but it does. Blame it on the media, but clean shaven, 'well maintained' women are hot.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 17)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 - Rexella’s father taught them to be very patriotic. In case you missed a few weeks back, Rexella performed a moving rendition of God Bless America, which, as I recall, almost made me move my lunch back out onto the keyboard. Rexella has great admiration for the armed forces. Two army friends of the Van Impes are said to be “two of the most intelligent people Jack knows”. Not intelligent enough to stay out of the army though…

5:00 – Sun Myung Moon said that he was ‘the Saviour’ and ‘the Messiah’ when he was crowned in Washington. Well, that’s just crazy!! Jack lists a bunch of passages that say that the saviour’s name will be Jesus, not some Korean dude. What a nut!!! As a side note, in a 1997 sermon, Sun Myung Moon likened homosexuals to "dirty dung-eating dogs”, which is really uncalled for, as simply “dung-eating dogs” would have gotten the point across.

9:17 – Is Al Qaeda winning the war?? The terrorism will never end. It’s a world wide problem because the bible says it is. Don’t worry about it though, it’s all part of Jesus’ plan. It’s all documented in the bible people.

14:00 - The OFFER OF THE WEEK!! They’ve had to make an emergency order because they ran out. I guess 2 people ordered it.

16:36 – Rexella wishes that they could just have good news for us (as she just read a bunch of headlines about war and killing). Huh? This whole show is about how Jesus is coming. All the wars, all the killing, all the disease, they’re all SIGNS!! Signs pointing toward the coming of Jesus! If that’s not good news, then I don’t know what is. Jack is a little inconsistent sometimes. You’d think that someone with as many PhDs as Jack has wouldn’t be such a moron.

27:20 – The OFFER OF THE WEEK!! What impressed Jack most about that movie? Well, Jack says it doesn’t matter, because if you’re born again, you’ll be whisked away before all this tribulation crap happens. All the more reason to buy this tape people!!

28:00 – Rexella says, "The best reason for doing right today, is tomorrow." Huh? That doesn’t make sense. I say, tomorrow is a good reason for doing wrong today, because who knows what’ll happen tomorrow?? Maybe if you don’t get the sinning out of your system today, you’ll get hit by a bus tomorrow and then you’ll have missed out on all the fun.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Beat This Caption!!!

Well, I've returned to the wonderful world of Maxim's Beat this Caption!! AND, I finally got one of my books from winning! I notice they've changed the prize now too. Now it's an Xbox game. Pretty useless seeing as I don't have an Xbox, but if I win, they'd better damn well send it to me!
Hmmm, the one on the right kind of looks like George W...

With lower tolerance for performance enhancing drugs in the Olympics, you get less doping, but more dopes.

Let's make with the captions people!!








Saturday, August 07, 2004

I hate cell phones

I was going to write this right after Wimbledon, but I couldn't find a picture of Sharapova with that friggin' phone. That cell phone incident was disgraceful. You take a major tennis tournament, full of prestige and tradition, and you hold it up to try to call someone on a cell phone? Is there any situation that a cell phone can't ruin??

I hate cell phones. If you ever see me carrying one around for social purposes, I hereby give you permission to smack me. Everyone has one now. You can't go anywhere without seeing someone (or hearing someone) yapping on the phone. My question is this: Why do you need to be chatting with someone while you're at the grocery store? Why do you need to be chatting with someone while you're driving? The driving really pisses me off. Every time I see someone going 80 km/h in the fast lane, or drifting into my lane on the highway, they are invariably talking on a cell phone. Emergency purposes are the only reason I can think of for a cell phone to be in a car.

Are you really that important that you need to be contactable ALL THE TIME?? (The answer is 'no', you self centred pompous ass) Plus, what about being contactable ALL THE TIME is appealing? I know if I'm busy, then I'm busy, and if you want to get in touch with me, you call my house and leave a message. There is no reason I can think of where I would need to be immediately contactable.

Cell phones might just be the rudest invention I can think of. There is nothing more insulting than someone who takes a cell phone call while they're out with you. "I'm sorry, this call is more important than you, so I'm going to ditch you to talk into this little piece of crap." If you're thinking about taking that call, you might just as well hang a sign around your neck that says, "I'm a rude, inconsiderate dip-shit" because answering that call is equivalent to that sign.

**UPDATE**

Call waiting is another 'convenience' that is horribly abused. I think I hate call waiting as well. Any 'call waiting call' that takes longer than, "I'm on the other line, can I take a message?" is RUDE. End one call before you start another, and if it's not for you, then the person it's for CAN CALL BACK.

Monday, August 02, 2004

The Village

Well, before I start, I'd like to say that the butler did it. It's pretty obvious when you think about it...

Anyways, I think this movie is best summed up by some dude who was sitting behind us in the theatre:

"This movie is so gay."

(Keep in mind, that's from some teenage dude at the movie theatre. I wouldn't necessarily describe a heaping pile of crap as being gay.) I'm tired of M. Night Shyamalan's slow moving, 'thrillers' with bad acting and terrible writing that rely on an interesting twist at the end to make the movie half-way decent. I think Mr. Shyamalan should come up with the idea, then let a competent person write the script. Seriously, people were laughing at parts that were supposed to be serious, which, some people find annoying, but I couldn't help it, it was so dumb. He should have stopped at The Sixth Sense. His 'trademark endings' are growing a little weak too, especially because we all know it's coming, and we spend the whole movie trying to figure it out. I will admit though, that this movie has one of the freakiest scenes I've ever seen in a movie...followed, of course, by a stupid one, just to even it out.

On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the best, 1 being Van Helsing, I give The Village a whopping 3, just because that one scene almost made me scream like a little girl.