Thursday, April 29, 2004

What would you do for $4.00??

Tonight, while driving home, I noticed that the price of gas had skyrocketed up to 84.5 cents/litre!! Now, I personally don't really care how much gas costs. When I need it, I buy it. Anyways, the next gas station I came across (about 30 seconds down the road) was also 84.5 cents/litre. Now, the NEXT one was only, get this, 73.5 cents/litre!!!! Do you know what that means?? Well, nothing to me, but for a large number of people it meant lining up and crowding into this gas station trying to take advantage of 'cheap' gas. I find this annoying, mainly because, if you think about it, 30 litres of gas, at a saving of 12 cents/litre, is less than $4. Is it really worth lining up for, for sake of argument, 20 minutes, idling in the street to save $4?? I don't think so. I suppose for some it might be, but I can't really imagine someone being so hard up that they 'needed' to save $4 in gas. What happens to them when the average price increases to 84.5 cents/litre? Do they start selling all their worldly possessions in order to fill up their Expedition's gas tank? Those poor, poor people.

Nobuhiro Sugawara Video!!!!

Ok, don't say I don't care about all you little people. I have had numerous hits from Google searching for the Nobuhiro Sugawara video of him scoring on his own net. In case you don't know, he's a Japanese hockey player playing in the World Championships. Now, when I first heard this, I thought, "well, he was probably trying to clear it, and accidentally shot it into his own net". Nope, he shot it right in, and thought he scored afterwards as he immediately threw his arms up in the air. His excitement quickly turned into embarassment when he realized what he had done. It is priceless. Anyways, since there seemed to be some interest, I went and found it. The title is "Sugawarův vlastní gól poslal Japonsko do boje o záchranu". It's at the bottom of the page, you'll have to scroll down. If the link doesn't work, right click and open in new window seems to. You'll have to watch the other goals for about 25 seconds, but it's well worth the wait. Enjoy!!

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired April 24)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell. This week's topic? Who knows? Same as every week.

0:51 – Ha ha ha, Rexella is wearing crazy pink glasses! Man, she looks stupid. They’re huge, kinda like Elton John’s old ones. No, she’s not trying to be glamorous, she had eye surgery. Whatever the reason, she looks ridiculous.

11:00 - Oh yippee! The Animals in Heaven offer has been extended ONE WEEK!! Hurry up, if you’ve somehow managed to suppress the urge to buy this video, it’s not too late!

You know, after watching this show for a while now, I’ve kind of noticed that they’re all the same. Jack is a raving lunatic, Rexella is a ditz, and most of the time she doesn’t even read the headline correctly. Jack lives on the unwavering hope that Jesus is coming to take him away.
AND, the whole point of this show is that Jack truly believes that the Lord is coming!! Well, why wouldn’t he? Everything in the news has a bible passage corresponding to it that links it to the second coming of Christ! Oh, it’s an exciting time. AIDS, terrorism, asteroids, earthquakes, etc. all mean that Christ is coming. Well, I have a question for Jack, you can find stuff like this pretty much every decade for the past 2000 years!! Christ passed up those opportunities for a visit, why does he think this year, or this decade is any different?? I’m sure Jack’s father was convinced that the A-bomb, and the Holocaust were sure signs that Christ was coming, and I’m sure Jack’s father’s father thought the same thing. Polio and the plague were worse than AIDS for killing people, asteroids have been around before, terrorism and violence??? Yeah, I think history has had some sporadic violent outbursts. Basically every bible passage that can be associated with a current event can also be associated with about 1000 other events that have happened before. Jack’s a nut. How this show remains on the air I’ll never know.

Oh man, get this. Someone actually wrote to Jack saying that she was all torn up inside because she didn’t want some heathen “unsafe person” to look after her dog after the Lord comes and she gets ‘raptured away’. She was so burdened. Well good news, you freak, the dog goes with you!!! I can’t imagine anyone losing any sleep over what happens to little Sparky when the Lord comes to take them away. What would it be like to know someone like that? Do they need the bible to function? How do you live your life according to some weird old book? Why would you do that? Why do we give them a tv show? Why do we give them our hard earned money?

Anyways, Rexella's glasses are priceless, you should at least check them out....

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Team Canada.....we're screwed.

It's World Championship hockey time again! That means that the NHL players who aren't sulking over a crappy season head out to represent Canada (or wherever they're from) in the World Championships. We don't usually have a great team, basically because the play-offs get in the way, and a lot of our best players can't make it. Anyways, if you look at the standings, Canada is third behind Austria and Switzerland, and has scored fewer goals than both. Yikes. We did manage to beat France this morning, but that's not saying much.

Other Games:

Latvia 3, Khazahkstan 1

Look at the goalie for Khazahkstan! Hey guy, the goalie STOPS the puck. I think they pick the goalie before the game by throwing sticks. Judging by this picture, Latvia didn't have many more than 3 shots on net...

Denmark 4, Japan 3

Defenseman Nobuhiro Sugawara (pictured above being congratulated by team Denmark), accidentally shot the puck straight into the yawning Japanese net after a nice move and centering pass from Bo Nordby Andersen.

"Unfortunately that part of the game could happen to any one of us," said Japan's Chris Bright.

Huh? So you all suck?

That's pretty funny... Anyways, GO CANADA!!!

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Ooooh, Pictures!!

Well, I've taken blogging to a whole new level. Now I have pictures!! I'd say my golf swing looks pretty good. What I didn't document with a picture was the 10 minutes I spent looking for that ball in the woods. Stupid golf....

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired April 17)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell. This week's topic? Who knows? Same as every week.

Jack says that a 104 year old parrot, described as ‘Nazi cursing’ may not get into heaven. I’m not sure why he says that, especially since he’s been pushing that Animals in Heaven DVD for the past few months. Actually, Jack has mentioned parrots in previous shows. Hmmm, parrots are animals that just regurgitate possibly meaningless words or sentences and don’t really have any intelligent thoughts at all. They just repeat the same things over and over again, whether it makes sense or not. I think Jack and the parrot have a lot in common.
Jack says that sales of the Animals in Heaven DVD will beat all records in history. I don’t think so Jack. Deep Throat probably sold more copies….

Jack spends a lot of time this episode bashing pastors and ministers who maybe stray a little bit from the conventional way of preaching. They introduce ‘fun’ things to try to draw people in, and maybe focus less on all the hell and sin talk. Jack claims they’re all going to hell, and they won’t be born again with talk like that. Well, Jack, I think you’re an idiot. If you’re going to focus your displeasure at a group, why not make it a group who doesn’t even go to church? Or people who kill people? That’s arguably worse than a minister who doesn’t teach exactly what you do… Dork.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK??? Where was god on 9/11?? Who knows? Probably watching CNN like the rest of us.

The Root of my distaste for (some) Leaf Fans

When Conan O'Brien was in Toronto a few months back, I watched the shows. I like Conan O'Brien, I think he's a funny guy, and it was good to see him come to Canada for a week. I'm sure the ratings were crap in the States, but he did it anyways. Regardless, what does this have to do with the Leafs you ask? WELL, of the 4 nights Conan was here, how many do you think contained individuals repeatedly yelling out "GO LEAFS!!"?? Did I hear anyone say all four?? Conan wasn't talking about hockey, the show had little to do with hockey, why on earth do Torontonians feel the need to yell "GO LEAFS!" at a non-hockey venue?? Am I wrong in saying that the Leafs shouldn't be on someone's mind while they are watching a Conan O'Brien show? It doesn't make sense, and typically, things that don't make sense bother me. Do you think that if Conan were in Ottawa the audience would have repeatedly interrupted him with "GO SENS!!", or if in Montreal, "GO HABS!!"? No, of course not. Why would they? I was embarassed when watching those shows because it makes us out to be a bunch of slack-jawed, rowdys who don't think about anything but hockey. There is more to being Canadian than that. I'm a hockey fan, I like it, I watch it, but if I'm walking down the street at 2 pm, I'm not thinking, "Man, those LEAFS are great, my universe revolves around them, so I hope they make it the next round as without them my life has no meaning".

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

GO LEAFS!!!!!!!!

YAY!! The Leafs won!!! They're going to win the Cup you know.... They are the best team ever put together by anyone, anytime, anywhere. If the Leafs had to play against a team of all Wayne Gretzkys, with a few Mario Lemieuxs, and they were shooting on a net that was filled in with bricks then they'd still win, because they're the best team EVER!!! Just like last year, and the year before.

This rules....

This site is pretty cool. I'm sure you can really piss off the religious types with this.

Woo Hoo!!!

Habs win! Habs win! Take that Boston!!

Saturday, April 17, 2004

Canadiens Win!!

Well, that should be it, too bad Kovalev is such an idiot.... Why Perreault didn't play in games 2 and 3 I'll never know.

My Purpose in Life

While reading the National Post last year, I noticed a small blurb about the crokinole world championships. How exciting! This may be my one and only chance to be the world champion in anything. I'm young, physically fit, and sharp as a tack, I think I'll take that tournament by storm.

Hey! Take me seriously!!!

Women of the Apprentice!!. Just remember, they're successful intelligent women tired of being objects. They're more than just pretty faces you know. Their legs and asses aren't bad either.....

Friday, April 16, 2004

Good Idea

I personally think this is a good idea. Why not give someone some incentive to do well? If you want to influence behaviour, you have to make the individual want to do well. Helping them pay for college is a good way to do it. The only problem I can see is that it's kind of discriminating against the stupid kids who really try but just can't get As. It's not really fair to them, they just sit there, furrowing their brows, scratching their heads, trying to figure out why you can't just add 1/4 + 1/2 to get 2/6. Although, if you're too dumb to get As in highschool, then you'd best get used to the world being 'unfair'. Plus, if everyone went to college, who'd pump our gas and pick up our garbage????

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe presents!!!! (aired April 11, 2004)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell. This week's topic? Who knows? Same as every week.

1:00 – Rexella asks us if Jesus is the only way to heaven. Then she goes on to say that today on this program she wants to make it clear. (that’s a shock. That’s a big change from every other week.) The answer is either yes or no… HA! That’d be hilarious. Picture this:

Rexella: Hey Jack, is Jesus the only way to heaven?
Jack: No. This bible is garbage, and I’m full of it!!***

*** I just made that part up. Jack didn’t really say that.

3:45 – Jack tells a joke!! Oh, it’s a good one. It’s about a woman with a mean husband. So, the woman dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter says, “before I let you in, you must spell one word – Love”. “Oh”, says the woman, “that’s easy L-O-V-E”. Sure enough, she gets in. Then 3 weeks later, St. Peter needs to ‘tend to some business’ so he asks the woman to watch the gate for him. Well, when she’s there, who arrives at the gate but her mean old husband! So, the woman says, “before you may enter, you have to spell a word, it’s Czechoslovakia!!” Jack and Rexella laugh and laugh. Czechoslovakia!! There’s no way he’ll spell that right!! In all seriousness, there’s a moral to this joke I think. If you’re a jerk, you’d best be a good speller.

10:00 – Jack clarifies the point that he does not think the world is going to end. I actually don’t think Jack thinks too much at all. He basically takes what the bible says at face value and doesn’t seem to have any independent thoughts at all.

13:00 – Rexella tells us that the OFFER OF THE WEEK is coming to an end. No more Animals in Heaven DVD!! Hurry, get one quick (I’ll tell you how it ends, the animals will be heaven, save your $30). Jack’s used the word “Dogmatic” 3 times already. I think he’s learned a new word. Definitely appropriate though.

15:25 – Rexella shows us some headlines. One of particular interest is about ethnic cleansing in Sudan. It’s funny how she’s concerned about the global issues, like ethnic cleansing and terrorism, but seems more concerned about the fact that if you don’t hurry, you’ll miss out on your chance to get an Animals in Heaven DVD. Innocent people are being killed? So what? What's really important is knowing whether or not Sparky be in heaven waiting for you.

16:45 - Oh wait, that’s not the point, Jack just wants to demonstrate once again that what the bible says about terrorism being global all points to the fact that Jesus is coming!! We don’t care about the terrorism because it’s serving a purpose! It’s a SIGN!! Oh, there it is, Jack says, “we’re not worried about the terrorists, we’ve got a comforting hope that He is coming soon”. Some of us ARE worried about the terrorists Jack. Some of us don't live in a fantasy world where the only important issues are ones that can be loosely associated with a bible passage. Actually, he just said that we’ll all rise up to heaven but earlier he said that Jesus was coming back to sit on the throne of David in Jerusalem. Make up your mind Jack, which is it? Am I going to heaven or Jerusalem? I don't really want to go to Jerusalem. Does that mean that my long dead kitty is in Jerusalem too?

21:00 – Jack reports that a woman from Uzbek says, “I am against suicide bombing because our god Allah and our Koran prohibit this. It’s against the teachings of Islam.” Then Jack says, “I wish she’d show that to BIN Laden”. (emphasis on the ‘Bin’) Ha! Too bad Jack probably believes that. Not everyone looks to a book to tell them what to do Jack. Jack’s profound statement of the day. Islam isn’t Christianity. No kidding. Really?? Christianity says you should love your enemies, Bin Laden likes to kill the infidels. What’s the point Jack? Oh yes, Jesus is coming. Right.

24:00 – Jack says to get ready to meet Jesus. Ok Jack, I’m ready. His prayer. Same old same old. And I still haven’t met Jesus.

24:51 – QUESTION OF THE WEEK!!! “What is your opinion concerning the tv special ‘Jesus and Paul’”. (I don’t know what this is, nor do I care to look it up). Jack refused to watch the show. He didn’t want to hear the experts say bad things about Jesus. He says, "These apostates will deny Jesus", but of course he already knew that, as again, the bible says so.

26:35 – Rexella talks again about the Animals in Heaven DVD. Again, she tells us that the video proves that animals will be in heaven. For those of us who trust her, that’s all we need to hear. Thanks for saving me 30 bucks Rexella.

27:00 - Ok, this is gold. Rexella’s words of wisdom, her little tidbit to live by is the following:

“The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor”

Wow Rexella, I like your style. ;-)

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

Maxim Caption!!!

Well, my streak of one winner in a row has come to a halt. It was nice while it lasted. Anyways, last week's winner doesn't really make much sense to me. "Pretty Fly for a White Guy"? What does that have to do with that caption? Whatever.
Ok, here's this week's:

"Eeeew, now my armpit smells like feet!".

I hope they don't mind crowning me the winner again so soon because that's GOLD.

Monday, April 12, 2004

Best 8-bit Nintendo Game

I came across a site talking about how you'd rate the top 5 8-bit Nintendo games. (I'd link to it, but I can't remember where it was.) Anyways, interesting topic, and I think my list would look something like this:

5. Super Mario Brothers. This was the first game I played with more than one level. Why would I take the warp to level 4 when I knew the castle was at the end of level 1? Princess isn't in that one. Outrageous.
4. Tetris. So simple, so addictive, so frustrating.
3. The Legend of Zelda. Huge world, no maps, lots of secrets and puzzles.
2. Baseball Stars. Best sports game I've ever played. Good graphics, great play control, build your own team, name all the players. Just press in reset when you shut off the power or it's all over but the crying. And trust me, there was crying.
1. Metroid. Best. Game. Ever. Hands down, the best game. Huge world, no maps, tons of secret passageways, cool characters, and you could get stuck in the lava between two huge pillars and not be able to get out. That's the kind of sadistic feature I'd put into a game, that and the annoyingly long password.

World's Biggest Idiot??

Well, since Jack's latest show hasn't been posted yet, I'm stuck with this. Might this man be the world's biggest idiot? What would possess a man (or woman) to throw away over $100 000.00? What's that you say? He won? Sure, but he could just as easily have lost, and regardless of the fact that he won, it was a stupid thing to do.

"It's really down to my friends and family and Mum and Dad," he told Reuters Television on Sunday. "I knew even if I lost I'd always have a home to go to."

Not if he were my friend he wouldn't. If someone I knew did that, and lost, I don't think I'd be letting them mooch off of me. Not for a second. Now, if something tragic happened, like a fire, or flood, then of course I'd be there to help, but if the decision to throw all your money down the toilet was a conscious one, then sorry pal, you've made your bed, you lie in it.

Saturday, April 10, 2004

The Significance of Easter

Easter. What does it mean to me? Well, it's a time where we all must sit back and think about why we're all here, and give thanks to our Lord Jesus Christ for selflessly giving his life for the sake of all mankind. That, and this. Ha! Look at 'im, you just poke and poke, and he just takes it!! Stupid bunny.

What does that have to do with Easter, you might ask? The answer? Nothing, except for the fact that it's a bunny, and, because we like to take all religious references out of religious holidays, bunnies are associated with Easter. I'm not aware of a "Poke Jesus" site, so you're stuck with the rabbit.

Friday, April 09, 2004

Stupid People

Sometimes you just want to smack some morons upside the head. The parents of this kid would be 2 such morons. While I agree that the principal should not have washed the kid's hair, the kid shouldn't have had blue hair to begin with.

He's not hurting anyone," Levey Padocs Sr. said. "He's an individual, and that's how he's expressing his individuality."

Right. I don't think so. What individuality? He's 6 years old! It's the parents who are expressing THEIR individuality, and they're using their poor son to do it.

Levey Padocs Jr.'s father said he allowed his son to get the distinctive 'do more than a month ago for behaving better in class.

This is funny because it implies that the kid wasn't behaving well in class before. I think this kid probably has some issues other than blue hair. What constitutes good behaviour in kindergarten? Playing nice with other children, sharing, co-operating, learning to interact with others in a social environment? I wonder how giving the kid a blue mohawk is going to improve any of that...

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Caption Update!!!

Well, no farting, no puking, no gay joke, so I decided on a lame commentary on Canada's airforce.
Canada's newest plane prepares for take-off.

We'll see I suppose.....

Why is this news???

This is what passes as "news" these days? J. Lo's mom won some money at a casino. Wow. I'm so glad I know that!!! I'd much rather hear that someone who needed money won it....although, anyone who needed money and who was at a casino would deserve to be poor. BREAKING NEWS!!! Ben Affleck's mom has reportedly "rolled up the rim", only to find that she has to play again.... Now that's news.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Today I am a GOD!!!

HA!!! I told you it was a winner. First I won my hockey pool, and now this. They'd better send me my book!! I wonder how I'm supposed to claim it. Well, since I now have a reputation to uphold, on to this week's caption. I can't even tell what that's supposed to be. How can I incorporate farts or vomiting into this one???? Hmmm, maybe I'll take a break this week so I can bask in the glory of my magnificent achievement.

Monday, April 05, 2004

Has it come to this???

While watching Average Joe 2, it came up that my luck with women has been less than exceptional. After thinking that my chances of getting my own tv show are pretty slim, I thought, well, what are my other options? Actually going out and trying to meet someone?? Please, the obvious answer is a mail order bride!!!
What's that? I'm being stupid you say? Hold on a sec, have you seen some of these women??? For example, Oksana, is a 23 year old, blond haired, blue eyed Russian girl.
Doesn't smoke.
Doesn't drink.
She likes stuff.
She's hot.
English not so good.
Probably a communist.
Marina, is a 22 year old, blond haired, blue eyed girl from Kyrgystan.
Doesn't smoke.
Doesn't drink.
Proficient in English.
Claims that English is proficient, yet lists personal info as "Hello. I search my love. Maybe it is you?"
Only seems to like 40 year old men. Not 39, not 41, only 40!
Probably the biggest con: She looks like a cheap hooker. That and she's probably a communist.
Yana is a blond haired, blue eyed Russian girl.
Doesn't smoke.
Doesn't drink.
Wants to take care of her man.
Likes older men.
Basic English skills.
Seems pretty picky for a mail order bride. Maybe a little high maintenance. Probably feels she shouldn't have to wait in line for bread. And of course, the communist thing....
Lastly, we have
Marina F, a brown haired, brown eyed Ukrainian girl.
Doesn't smoke.
Not picky with the age.
She's hot.
Basic English skills (she likes to go to the forest???)
She drinks. (I probably would too if I were her.)
Red lipstick just screams communist.

Well, after careful deliberation, I feel that the only choice for me is Oksana. Although probably a communist, she's hot, and young, and can sort of speak English. Or at least she can look up a bunch of words in a Russian to English dictionary and put them in a list. Good work Oksana. If you put as much effort into our marriage as you did into your profile, I think I can safely say that this could be the beginning of something really special. I think I'll definitely add her to my cart.

Sunday, April 04, 2004

Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe presents!!!! (aired April 4, 2004)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it tells you that it's evil and you're going to hell. This week the topic is "The Passion of Christ".
The Passion of Christ According to Jack

2:00 - Apparently the Passion will inspire other religious films. Yay!!! Like “The Passion II: The Return of Christ. This time it’s personal. The third day He rose again, and now it’s payback time!! Or a prequel, maybe, “Episode One: The Phantom Manger”.

2:22 – Rexella asks Jack how rightly the film portrayed the gospel. Well Jack? What do you think? It really did Rexella. Mel Gibson had it right.
Jack says that we’re all born twice. Once to your parents, then once to God. (I guess that’s what they mean when they say ‘born again’. Makes sense.)

4:00 - Jack slanders some experts. Jack has over 90000 hours of bible study. That’s an impressive amount Jack. I have about 2, if that, and I'm including that half-hour Simpsons episode where they re-enact some bible stories.

5:25 – Rexella talks about the DaVinci code book. I don’t know what that is, but I’ll have to look it up. Jack says “it’s the biggest piece of trash that has ever been published.” A better recommendation I’ve not heard.

7:00 – Ooooh, an explanation - The DaVinci code book talks about how Jesus came to us and had sex and fathered lots of children with Mary Magdalene…uh oh. This can’t be going in a happy direction for Jack. Well, that’s not in the bible, so it’s a lie. Ok, here's one of Jack's typical whacked out explanations. When Jesus came here to die for the sinners, he couldn’t have Adam’s blood in him because Adam was a sinner. (Well, I think the Virgin Mary had Adam’s blood in her, I think she had to, since all people came from Adam and Eve.) Anyways, the point was that Jesus didn’t have Adam’s blood in him, he was pure, so if he had sex and children with Mary, then all of the children would be gods. And, well, that’s just crazy talk.

12:30 – There's a headline that implies that the gospels are fiction. Rexella asks “Can the gospels be trusted Jack?” Jack responds, “ Don’t these people read their bibles???” He goes on to say that it was NOT just made with human hands. How do we know this? Well, there are a myriad of bible passages that say so. This is interesting. Jack, quick lesson in critical thinking. You can’t prove the bible is true, by finding a passage in the bible that substantiates it, and then say that you’ve proven your point because the bible is true. It just doesn’t make any sense Jack. That’s really not like you.

15:00 – Jack says, “Filthy dreamers will arise” Uh oh. That can be interpreted a number of ways…

17:20 – Jack talks about a letter written by a reverend “Chuck”. Chuck stated that the idea of Christ dying in our place is not what the bible teaches. That idea only began in the middle ages. Jack wonders where this guy went to school. Then he goes on to read a bunch of passages ‘proving’ that Chuck is wrong. Uh oh, Jack says Chuck is accursed. Big mistake Chuck, big mistake. Who is Chuck? I don’t know, but I like his style.

21:30 - Jack’s about to cry. He’s getting worked up over the abuse poor Jesus took before the crucifixion. He says there’s something that Mel (Gibson) couldn’t show us. Well, after the crucifixion, um, when they dropped the tree (cross) in a hole, and when the tree hit the bottom, every bone in His (Christ's) body was moved out of place and he was elongated. “Mel couldn’t reproduce that”, says Jack. Huh? Of course he could. With special effects nowadays, Mel could have crucified a velociraptor or two up there as well. Why didn’t he, you ask?? We all know that dinosaurs existed back then (more on that later), and if Jurassic Park has taught me anything, it's that the Velociraptor was a killing machine that probably deserved to be crucified.

23:50 - Jack’s prayer. Slow close-up, touching, soothing words. Brilliant. Jack, you’re a genius!!

24:40 - Question of the week!!! It’s about the damn animals in heaven again. This has been the offer of the week for months! We need a new Offer of the Week!!! This one is getting old. Sure, it’s funny and all, but I’m sure there are other things that we need to know. What about my plants? Will they be in heaven? I like my plants, and I’d enjoy it if they came with me. What kind of place would heaven be if there were no tulips? Or roses? Except I guess the roses wouldn’t have any thorns, because they hurt when you touch them, and I imagine that crown of thorns thing probably makes Jesus a little edgy around thorny things. I imagine God banned them.

28:00 – Rexella says God loves us, God cares for us, and Jesus proved it. Yes, he sure did. Bye bye.

My Computer is Dead

I think it's the power supply, it has been making an irritating groaning noise for the last little while. I guess it had had enough. If that's not bad enough, I actually went to Best Buy to try to replace it. I hate Best Buy, mainly by association, because I really hate Future Shop. They didn't have one anyways. I borrowed Scott's laptop, so now I can watch tv and use the computer at the same time!! Oooh, on the next episode of Nick and Jessica, Jessica goes out of town, and Nick goes to a stripclub!! Oooh, I wouldn't want to be him right now!

Saturday, April 03, 2004

Let's Bring out the Leaf Flags!!

Well, now that the hockey season is over, we can all look forward to the fair-weather Toronto Maple Leaf fans bringing out the flags to stick in their car windows. Oh, it's my least favourite time of the year! In case you're one of the 10 people in the city who don't have one, you can get one here (you can even zoom in on it, if need a close-up). So, for the low low price of $24.24, you can support the team for the week that they're going to be in the play-offs and feel like you're part of something. If you're a real fan, you might want 2 or three (depending on how many windows you have in your car of course) I like hockey, and I like to see the Canadian teams win, but Leaf fans are pretty annoying. They're not going to win the Stanley Cup. They have a good team, it would have been a Stanley Cup contender, oh, I don't know, 10 years ago when their players were in their prime, but it takes more than 10 old superstars to make a great team. I was happy to see them pick up Ron Francis at the end of the season, it's good to see them bring in some young blood. Maybe if Toronto makes Messier an offer he will decide to play one more season. I say, instead of paying 10 old guys big bucks, pay 3 or 4 young guys the big bucks, and maybe build the foundation for a great team. Toronto won't make it past the second round.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe presents!!!! (aired March 27, 2004)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it tells you that it's evil and you're going to hell. It's on Sunday mornings at 10:30am. If you don't feel like getting up that early, well, you can watch it here or just read the following summary.

International news and in-depth analysis!! (if by "in-depth" you mean “whacked out references to the bible”)

1:00 – Rexella gives us a little intro (I’m excited, she seems on tonight!!)

1:23 – Rexella shows us a picture of Jack when he was young. He played the accordion, when he was 21!! How he remained pure I’ll never know.

2:15 – Rexella tells some jokes about old people and how society doesn’t really expect much out of them. She thinks it’s funny. I think it’s kind of sad :-(

2:46 – Jack mentions that he showed up to work today with black trousers and a blue coat on and Rexella made him change!! To which she replied, “Well, I’m not colour blind ha ha ha”. I don’t get it. What’s wrong with black pants and a blue shirt?

3:20 – Anyways, all joking aside, it’s serious bible quoting time. No more fooling around.

5:23 – it’s news time!!! It’s about Mars!!! Could there be life on Mars Jack? What does the bible say? Jack admits that because religious leaders once said we’d never make it to the moon, he wouldn’t speculate about life on Mars. Good to keep an open mind Jack.

7:00 – 9:00 - Whoa. This is whacked. I think Jack forgot to take his medication this morning. You really have to listen to this part. Trying to reproduce it in writing just doesn’t do it justice. Those crazy scientists are saying that there are 50 billion planets, 6 billion people on earth so that means we each could get 8 planets, plus with all the stars and suns associated with each planet, we could all have a bunch of stars and planets?? What would we do with them Jack??? What are you talking about? I like how he said that he did some mathematical calculations….I can picture him with a pencil sitting at his desk dividing 50 billion by 6 billion and getting confused because he can’t remember how to long divide. Rexella is impressed by the math, she has problems ‘balancing the cheque book’. That doesn’t surprise me.

11:00 – Jack says “God created the worlds….what a God, what a saviour we have” Personally, I think God creating the immensely vast universe, and making us puny little specks stuck to one tiny part of it is kind of cruel. It’s like tying up the dog in the backyard and leaving a big chunk of meat just out of reach. Sure it’s entertaining for you, but think of the poor dog. I think God is a big sadistic jerk, who likes to tease us.

14:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!!! Are animals going to be in heaven??? Buy Jack’s DVD and find out!! Again, Jack says “yes”, I say, “I don’t want animals in heaven". Some animals like lions and tigers would make heaven a scary place, and I don’t really want to be watching my back for all eternity.

15:00 – Rexella says she has given the Animals in Heaven DVD to some of her friends who have lost pets. Hey Rexella, I have an idea, why not give your friend who lost a pet, oh, I don’t know, ANOTHER PET??? Pets are nice, but pets can be replaced, and not by a video. The video will only remind you that your dear Sparky is running around in puppy heaven, sniffing other dead pet’s asses wondering why it took him so long to dash out into a busy intersection.

16:00 – Oh, this is a good part. Do you know what happens when you take religion out of the schools??? Well, you get people showing up to class with bombs strapped to themselves!! Of course! It’s so obvious. If that messed up kid with the bombs had said the Lord’s prayer every morning before class started, instead of bringing bombs, he’d be skipping to school, whistling a happy tune, hoping to get to class a little early so that he could discuss the bible passages he read the night before with his classmates!

16:30 – Jack says that the schools have gone down the crapper since they took bibles out of schools. Well, where else can we routinely find bibles??? In hotel rooms maybe? Well, if that’s not proof positive that the bible prevents immoral indecent acts then I don’t know what is!!!

22:46 – Jack’s prayer. Hee hee, he’s so serious. Save me Jack! Save me!!!

24:00 – Question of the week!! Is killing terror leaders wrong?? Suicide bombers are told that they will get 72 virgins when they get to heaven. Jack says (referring to a recent incident where a 16 year old boy surrendered with a bunch of bombs strapped to himself), “a 16 year old boy wouldn’t even know what to do with 72 virgins”. Jack, I think you’d be surprised. You know, a lot of 16 year old boys aren’t at home on Friday nights practicing the accordion. Unless of course by “practicing the accordion” you mean, “practicing the accordion” if you know what I mean...
The bible says “Thou shalt not kill”. But then Jack says murderers should be put to death!! But Jack, isn’t that killing?? Uh oh, it doesn’t say “thou shalt not kill….unless you think it’s justified”. By that rationale, the guy who doesn’t agree that the killer should be killed could come and kill you! That would not be good. The only good thing about that is that the dude who killed you would be next in line.

26:06 – OFFER OF THE WEEK!! They just sent George W Bush a copy of the video because his dog just died. Oh, that’s sweet. Jack says that the animals will be in heaven. Well, thanks Jack, why would I buy your tape now? You just told me what I wanted to know!!!

And finally, God cares for me, and so does Rexella. That’s a relief.

Let the downloading begin....or continue I guess

Whoa, looks like it's not illegal to download music in Canada. I'll still support the artists I like, but the others? Screw 'em! I want my money back for that Nickelback single I bought. Stupid conscience.

The Canadian Recording Industry Association (CRIA), which brought the case, said it did not agree with the judge’s ruling.

No kidding...

CRIA General Counsel Richard Pfohl said " we expect to appeal the soon as I'm finished downloading this new Britney Spears single".