Saturday, December 31, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe! This is Jack Van Impe Presents! (aired December 24)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:32 – Rexella talks about humorous prayers from children that she found on the internet.

Dear God, I read that Thomas Edison made light, but in Sunday school they say that You did. I bet he stole your idea.

Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love everyone in the world, I only have 4 people in my family and I could never do it.

Dear God, if we come back as someone, please don’t let it be Jennifer Horton, I hate her.


Oh how Jack and Rexella laugh and laugh but there’s really nothing funny about kids so filled with hate that they can’t love their families. Nah, I’m kidding, there is a lot funny about that. Those letters are probably made up anyways. I heard a story once that there is stuff on the internet that isn't true.

10:00 – Lots of signs! Basically, they’re the same signs as before. AIDS, hurricanes, avian flu. This one is new though, “More Women charged in sex cases”. A female teacher was charged after having a sex party with some students. Jack says, “It’s getting bad when you have women becoming pedophiles, molesting little boys.” Huh? Getting bad? It’s bad when anyone molests kids, Jack. The truly tragic thing about that story is that it didn't happen at my highschool.

12:45 – People are downloading porn on cell phones and ipods! Jack says, “whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Only if you're married Jack, only if you're married.

13:15 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! Oh. My. God. Just when you thought Jack’s electronic bible couldn’t get any better, they’ve gone and done it. No, they didn’t add a calculator, they added an entire prophesy bible! I bet you could download porn on it if you tried.

14:00 - 28:00 - A lot of crap that I don't care to write about. Something about Heidi Fleiss and the diminishing quality of Christian books.

28:00 – Rexella leaves us with this- “God’s forgiveness always comes with a second chance.” This fits nicely in with my plan to pray for forgiveness on my death bed. Why prevent myself from having fun now when I can just beg for forgiveness later?

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Update on New Years Resolutions.

I made New Years Resolutions last year.

While most of them were stupid, I did actually want to do numbers 2, 3 and 8. How did I do you ask? Well, I failed miserably in all of them.

I didn't take piano lessons, nor did I even look into it. I think the biggest barrier to that was that I think it will be hard. Damn, now that I'm thinking about it again the interest has been renewed. Dammit. I guess that'll be a resolution for next year too.

I don't have a six-pack. While I'm not unhappy with my abs, the definition just isn't there (yet). I think the biggest barrier to that was that it's hard. In order to have abs that pop out you need no fat, and well, I'm nowhere near disciplined enough to eat properly. Maybe I need a nutritionist....

I didn't do a triathlon. I can run for hours but I can't swim for 3 minutes. I guess I still want to do it, but I'll need some some coaching.

To sum up, New Years Resolutions suck, and nobody should make them because now I feel like a loser for failing so I'm going to go binge on leftover Christmas cookies and greasy food. Who am I kidding, I was going to go do that anyways.

Happy New Year.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Home for the Holidays

I went 'home' for a couple days over the holidays and there's an old Mariah Carey poster on the wall in my old room. I used to have a bit of a thing for her, back in her Hero days before she turned into a massive whore. Anyways, I looked at the poster and something seemed to be missing. I figured it out, let's see if you can. (I added the arrows to lead you in the right direction)

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From this site:

Did Mariah get breast implants?
Mariah has denied reports of any breast augmentations and credits her cleavage to a weight gain and specially made water-and-gel-filled push-up bras from Victoria's Secret. "In Touch Weekly" magazine also reports that Mariah admitted to seeing holistic therapist Bharti Vyas for bust firming and massaging.


Whatever. She's as flat as a board in that old poster and I don't believe for a second that that's all push-up bra. You can't push up what's not there. Regardless, what's more 'embarassing'? Admitting to getting breast implants? Or admitting that you let some guy claiming to be a holistic therapist massage your chest?

Anyways, what was the point again? Oh yeah, I'd like to announce that I am a holistic therapist and I'm opening my own "Bust firming and Massaging" clinic. First visit is free, and don't forget to tell a friend. (Results vary, I make no guarantees.)

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Merry Christmas

Well, it's almost Christmas and I'm done my shopping and I've wrapped all my presents! No, wait, that should say, I'm not done my shopping, nor have I wrapped all my presents. Sorry.

Anyways, to help get into that Christmas spirit, watch my new Christmas movie.

My Christmas movie.

If that doesn't work, you can see how far you can catapult Santa. Click the mouse to start moving, then click and hold the mouse to prepare for flight. I like the festive Christmas yodelling the best I think. Nothing says Christmas like yodelling.

I got 350.4. Beat it, I dare you. Triple dog dare even.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

KING KONG (No Spoilers, although everyone knows what happens at the end)

How can a movie that has dinosaurs fighting a giant ape while an attractive woman prances around in rags be hard to sit through? Ask Peter Jackson and hopefully he'll answer you in under 3 hours.

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Here's an example of a bad scene where the woman breaks up with Kong:

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Girl - "Kong, we're just from 2 different worlds. I'm from the real world and you're from that crazy world with the dinosaurs and such."

Kong - "Yeah, you're right, but the sex sure was good."

Girl - "Yeah, I'm a little sore though..."

Kong - "You should have said something! Just because I'm a giant ape doesn't mean we can't communicate!"

Girl - "Well, it kinda does... Plus, you're not a real King either. Instead of being a Queen, I'd just be that weird chick with the giant ape. Where's the glamour??"

Kong - "Can I eat you yet?"

Girl - "No Kong, not yet."

(I may have made up that last part, but my ass was so sore from sitting on those damn seats for 3.5 hours (including previews etc.) that I may not have been paying too close attention at the end.)

Monday, December 12, 2005

Beware the Giant Cat.

After finding this site through Fatrobot and then reading this article, I realized that there may be a rather large cat lurking around my place as well.

I set up my motion activated camera and I waited. I waited and waited until this picture was taken:

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It's HUGE. If you assume that the paper shredder is about 16 inches high, some people might come to the conclusion that the cat is about 4 feet tall!

Next comes the mysterious hair that I found. I had the lab run an analysis and the results came back indicating that it was from a cat of some sort. A mysterious monster cat had not yet been ruled out.

Now to figure out where this giant mystery cat came from. After I remembered that I had a cat, it all became clear.

My small, normal sized cat was attracting a larger, massive mysterious cat(s) to my house.

Further investigation is warranted. I'll keep you posted.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Gingerbread Figures

I was at Tim Hortons and I noticed they don't have gingerbread men, only gingerbread figures. I can only imagine that this is due to the fact that to appease some crazy feminist nutjob(s), they made the term gender non-specific. I find this particularly amusing because when I bought the gingerbread figure, the woman at the counter referred to it as 'a naked man' (because they had decorated Santa ones too, which, due to my religious beliefs, I find horribly offensive as well) It ceases to be politically correct if employees refer to them as 'naked men'. Then she called me 'love'. I think a little sensitivity training is in order.

ANYWAYS, to make everyone happy, I decided to go into the gingerbread business. Here is my menu:

You have the standard gingerbread man and woman.
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Now, now, I know what you're thinking. "Those look awfully heterosexual, Paul. You don't want to offend the homosexuals." You'd be right to say that, so I bring you the gay gingerbread abominations (I call them "abominations" so I don't offend the religious nutcases.)
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Now, now, I know what you're saying. "What about the handicapped people and invalids? In the event that they ever make it up the ramp to Tim Hortons, you wouldn't want them to be offended, would you?" Well, you'd be correct again. So, I bring you the wheelchair and the coma patient gingerbread figures. (The white stuff is icing, so that's why I added the detail to the coma patient's blanket - yum.)

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Of course, you can add smarties or something for that added holiday flair, but the idea is there - everyone is deserving of a gingerbread representation. Everyone except for the people I didn't include of course.

Monday, December 05, 2005

I guess they cover fractions in grade 11

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Since when is this half? Cut in half?? How does this help people (people like me) who only eat half of their sub at a time? Damn you Subway for hiring highshool dropouts!! I want equal portions at two different times, so when you cut it like this it really pisses me off. They should have a jig or something that cuts the sub exactly in half (or maybe they could hire people who aren't morons).

They also don't evenly distribute the pickles and green pepper, but that's another topic entirely.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Hidden Video of Binsk

Well, because she asked so nicely, I used the same technique as my last post to take a hidden video of Binsk. Canadians all look like stick people when you take hidden videos.