Sunday, February 27, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (Aired Feb 5)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Yay! Detroit is having an auto show!! Every 5th person through the door gets bullet holes removed from their car for free!! Rexella says, “I bet you’re wondering why I’m mentioning the auto show.” Well, it’s because the automobile is mentioned in the bible!! I think Matthew (somewhere, I don’t remember the exact passage) talks about Jesus wishing he’d taken a limo to the last supper. In his defense though, I guess he didn’t know that it would be his last supper. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. Jack then goes on about the gas prices. Don’t complain too much, they’re $5 a gallon in Europe. In Iraq though, only 5 cents/gallon! If you go to a self-service station, it’s only 4.9 cents/gallon, but you have to get out of your car.

2:00 - Jack got his drivers license when he was 16. I love Jack’s stories about his childhood. They’re so fucked up, especially the ones about his drunken, abusive born-again father. Anyways, this one starts with Jack wrecking the car, and ends with him praying for the rapture so he can be saved from the wrath of his father. Man, that’s both funny and sad at the same time. I guess Jack didn’t think that his father was going to be raptured as well, or that the beatings wouldn’t continue in the presence of God. He seems to think that God is adverse to violence. I guess he only memorizes some bible passages.

5:00 - Uh oh, Jack’s talking about statistics. He says that the 17 prophecies they’re going to talk about have all come true, and the odds of that happening by chance are about 1 in a gajillion. More concrete evidence that the end is near!

5-27:57 – 22 minutes of crap.

27:58 – Rexella leaves us with this bit of wisdom – “Troubles come from wanting to have your own way and other problems come from being allowed to have it.” I suppose trouble would also come if you tried to stop someone from having their way. This would prevent the trouble that would come from allowing them to have it, but maybe create bigger problems when they kick the crap out of you, and then take it anyways.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

The Wonderful World of Graphology

Well, instead of typing my post, I decided to write it. Then my handwriting can be analyzed and you can learn all sorts of interesting things about what makes me me!!

Check it out.

Most of the stupid websites want you to pay for an analysis, but based on my very basic knowledge of graphology, if I had to analyze my own writing, I'd probably come to the conclusion that I'm about 9 years old.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Did you ever wonder?

The other day, I was watching the best tv show of all time, and there was one episode where they discovered a parallel universe in a box, where 'clones' of themselves lived, except that the clones were a little different, for example, Bender was gold and the professor had given himself a lobotomy. Anyways, the point was, if you could clone yourself, would you hang out with your clone? I don't think I would, I imagine I'd annoy myself. Laughing at other people's misfortunes is funny, so I imagine that my clone would enjoy laughing at MY misfortunes, which would probably make me want to punch him (me). I imagine I'd just want to harvest the clone's organs as opposed to just sitting around hanging out.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Keane is keen (heh heh heh, get it??)

Anyways, my sister summed it up much better than I would, so read her synopsis.

Much better than Muse, that's for sure.

Join Millions Across the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!!! (aired Jan 22)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 - Rexella ponders whether or not children really pay attention in church, and whether they really understand the sermons. Hello? Kids don’t pay attention to anything in church, kids don’t like church, it’s boring, the pews are hard, and there are cartoons to be watched at home. The fear of not being raptured hasn’t yet been instilled in them so they have little reason to pay attention. Whoa, Jack just admitted that when he was a kid he was a “lover of pleasure more than a lover of God”, (which according to 2 Timothy 3:4 is a sign of the end). We also know that Jack played the accordion when he was young, so I'm not sure exactly what he means by "pleasurable". Anyways, show me a kid who loves God more than pleasure and I’ll show you a maladjusted demented child who, in all likelihood, doesn’t have any friends.

16:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! Another Hitler Rising! Where? (Europe!) When? (Soon!) Why? (Because the bible says so!) Don’t buy it people, I just answered all the questions.

I’ve been getting a lot of hits for “Another Hitler Rising”. That’s somewhat concerning. I wonder if it’s because people are afraid of another Hitler rising, or if they’re saying to themselves, “Well, it’s about time!” I personally think that the animals in heaven DVD was more interesting. Maybe it should have been called, “Animals in heaven, except for the pigs, because they were all sent to hell to feed all the Jewish people.”

Anyways, this show is crap. There’s too much talk about persecuting jews. It’s just not as funny as animals in heaven or tsunamis.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

I got nothing...

So I stole this idea from this site, who incidently stole it from somewhere else. Things in bold are things I've done.

01. Decided not to write a big list, despite being desperate for a topic.




Thursday, February 03, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe....(this is a repeat, I apologize, I don't have the energy to watch a new one...)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it tells you that it's evil and you're going to hell. This week the topic is "The Passion of the Christ".

The Passion of the Christ According to Jack

2:00 - Apparently the Passion will inspire other religious films. Yay!!! Like “The Passion II: The Return of Christ. This time it’s personal. The third day He rose again, and now it’s payback time!! Or a prequel, maybe, “Episode One: The Phantom Manger”.

2:22 – Rexella asks Jack how rightly the film portrayed the gospel. Well Jack? What do you think? It really did Rexella. Mel Gibson had it right.
Jack says that we’re all born twice. Once to your parents, then once to God. (I guess that’s what they mean when they say ‘born again’. Makes sense.)

4:00 - Jack slanders some experts. Jack has over 90000 hours of bible study. That’s an impressive amount Jack. I have about 2, if that, and I'm including that half-hour Simpsons episode where they re-enact some bible stories.

5:25 – Rexella talks about the DaVinci code book. I don’t know what that is, but I’ll have to look it up. Jack says “it’s the biggest piece of trash that has ever been published.” A better recommendation I’ve not heard.

7:00 – Ooooh, an explanation - The DaVinci code book talks about how Jesus came to us and had sex and fathered lots of children with Mary Magdalene…uh oh. This can’t be going in a happy direction for Jack. Well, that’s not in the bible, so it’s a lie. Ok, here's one of Jack's typical whacked out explanations. When Jesus came here to die for the sinners, he couldn’t have Adam’s blood in him because Adam was a sinner. (Well, I think the Virgin Mary had Adam’s blood in her, I think she had to, since all people came from Adam and Eve.) Anyways, the point was that Jesus didn’t have Adam’s blood in him, he was pure, so if he had sex and children with Mary, then all of the children would be gods. And, well, that’s just crazy talk.

15:00 – Jack says, “Filthy dreamers will arise” Uh oh. That can be interpreted a number of ways…

17:20 – Jack talks about a letter written by a reverend “Chuck”. Chuck stated that the idea of Christ dying in our place is not what the bible teaches. That idea only began in the middle ages. Jack wonders where this guy went to school. Then he goes on to read a bunch of passages ‘proving’ that Chuck is wrong. Uh oh, Jack says Chuck is accursed. Big mistake Chuck, big mistake. Who is Chuck? I don’t know, but I like his style.

21:30 - Jack’s about to cry. He’s getting worked up over the abuse poor Jesus took before the crucifixion. He says there’s something that Mel (Gibson) couldn’t show us. Well, after the crucifixion, um, when they dropped the tree (cross) in a hole, and when the tree hit the bottom, every bone in His (Christ's) body was moved out of place and he was elongated. “Mel couldn’t reproduce that”, says Jack. Huh? Of course he could. With special effects nowadays, Mel could have crucified a velociraptor or two up there as well. Why didn’t he, you ask?? We all know that dinosaurs existed back then (more on that later), and if Jurassic Park has taught me anything, it's that the Velociraptor was a killing machine that probably deserved to be crucified.

23:50 - Jack’s prayer. Slow close-up, touching, soothing words. Brilliant. Jack, you’re a genius!!

24:40 - Question of the week!!! It’s about the damn animals in heaven again. This has been the offer of the week for months! We need a new Offer of the Week!!! This one is getting old. Sure, it’s funny and all, but I’m sure there are other things that we need to know. What about my plants? Will they be in heaven? I like my plants, and I’d enjoy it if they came with me. What kind of place would heaven be if there were no tulips? Or roses? Except I guess the roses wouldn’t have any thorns, because they hurt when you touch them, and I imagine that crown of thorns thing probably makes Jesus a little edgy around thorny things. I imagine God banned them.

28:00 – Rexella says God loves us, God cares for us, and Jesus proved it. Yes, he sure did. Bye bye.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Neil would be Proud

Here's a tribute to Art Attack (Hence the reference to Neil in the title)!! If you haven't seen the show, well, you're not really missing much, but the guy had some good ideas.

I call it, A Tree and Some Stuff

(I recommend increasing the speed, unless you want to experience the magic at the same speed I did)

Here's a portrait of my cat.

Thanks to my sister for finding that site - I'll be busy for a while.