Sunday, June 24, 2007

A Report on Killer Whales.


The name killer whale is a bit of a misnomer. It's kind of misleading, because they're not whales at all, they're actually dolphins. It's widely believed that they were originally called "Whale Killers" because they like to kill whales, but Eskimos tended to be dyslexic, so the words got reversed. White man adopted the name because when the time finally came to clarify it was too late because they'd already killed the Eskimos and taken their land. (Sidenote, the Eskimo name for "white man" is "Killer Eskimo").

Killer whales are also called "Orcas" which is what the Romans called them. It's a little known fact that the Orcas (because they were so fierce) were originally used in the colliseum to fight gladiators, but instead of putting on a good show for the crowd, they just flopped around a bit in the dirt and then suffocated under their own body weight. Not only was it not entertaining, it was a bitch to clean up, as they were heavy.

Now, most people know the Killer Whale from Sea World or Marine Land where they are held captive and forced to perform silly tricks for dead fish. Some people think it's cruel and that the poor whale (or dolphin) should just be left alone. Others might argue that it's our duty as humans to take advantage of animals that aren't as smart as we are and make them jump through hoops to entertain the masses (and to make money). I, myself, try not to think about stuff like this, because if I feel strongly about it either way I might feel obligated to do something, and 'doing something' is harder than 'doing nothing' but I digress.

Killer whales travel in groups called "Pods". Pods take care of each other, like families. Sometimes though, some killer whales think that they're better off on their own, and they leave the pod. The stronger whales survive on their own, and possibly join another pod later in life, others have more trouble and struggle to make ends meet. Sometimes these whales turn to prostitution and porn. See below for a scene from the well known orca porn flick, "Free my Willie, bitch"

In conclusion, Killer Whales are pretty cool, considering the fact that they're really dolphins and sometimes resort to interspecies pornography. Maybe we shouldn't capture them and keep them locked up in a little pen, but then again, maybe we should, who knows, I haven't really thought about it.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

People are idiots

With the exception of you, my fine readers, people are idiots.

I think these people should be shot.

The fact that people think it's a good idea to weave in and out of traffic, and then cause an accident that kills someone is so incredibly selfish that I seriously hope someone runs them over. Unfortunately, I imagine they'll just get a slap on the wrist and then have some kids who will one day follow in daddy's footsteps and do something stupid. I say, stop the chain now.

And, read this. This story makes absolutely no sense and I have a hard time believing it's true. An angry mob in Texas beats a man to death because he hit a kid in his car (and didn't even kill them)? In Texas, why would they waste their time beating a guy to death when they can just shoot him? Better question, why didn't the guy who was getting the beating just shoot the attackers? This story asks more questions than it answers.

I also think that we should cane people who break the law. Seriously. If there's a rule that says not to do something (like littering and speeding through stop signs) and you make the conscious decision to do it anyways, if you get caught, I say that you deserve a caning. The next time you think about littering, maybe you'll think twice after you recal the sting of the cane from the first time. There'd be no appeals either. Police officer sees you litter, BAM, consider yourself caned. What? You didn't do it? Oh well, mistakes are made, you'll get over it. I suppose the only drawback would be that the police officer would have to refrain from letting that 'power' get to his/her head, as they could technically just go around accusing people of things and then cane them. I'd have to either think of a way to prevent that, or, if I can't, I'd probably just end up becoming a police officer.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Cartoons are Kinda Stupid


I was watching the Road Runner the other day and it kind of bothered me that it didn't make a lot of sense. The coyote (the one on the right in the picture) tried to get the bird (on the left) with catapults about 10 times, and guess what? They didn't work! Then (this is where it got annoying) he bought some ACME steroids and they made his legs HUGE, which, in turn, allowed them to become wheels which allowed him to run real fast. He then chased that bird around and came REALLY close but then one of his previous failed traps (not involving a catapult) sprung on him and smashed him. Now, you'd think that, because he came so close with the steroids, and it was really a fluke that his own damn trap caught him, he'd rethink it and try again - BUT NO! He went back to the damn catapults that didn't come anywhere near as close! What a retard.

Monday, June 04, 2007

The Imperial Buffet

"Confucius say, consolidate rather than expand business projects in the near future. Lucky numbers 1, 10, 12, 29, 38, 45"

Paul say, maybe I should consolidate rather than expand, but Confuscius don't know shit about picking lottery numbers.

Anyway, every time we go to one of those chinese buffets, all I can think about is, "Wow, these people are fat!" Then I think, they probably looked like me, until the they were gripped by the unshakeable claws of all-you-can-eat chicken balls and deep fried wontons. Then I just want to leave before I instantly gain 100 pounds and have fat hanging over my belt. I know the bible says, "Judge not, lest ye be judged" but I can't help it. Just because you can eat 4 plates of General Tao's chicken, doesn't mean you should. Show some restraint people! Also, a plate of fruit isn't really a plate of fruit when you dunk it under the chocolate fountain.