Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy New Year!!!

Oh New Years! It's my favourite time of year. I'm going to go a few parties and get really drunk (high five!) and maybe score with some chicks! Or at least that's what I'm going to be telling people tomorrow when I get asked what I did for New Years (except for that 'scoring with chicks' bit, I'm married now). In reality, I'm just going to be sitting here playing Facebook poker with someone from Turkey who probably told their friends they were out getting drunk as well. Hey, at least I'm being honest.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Worst Song Ever

(I originally posted this a couple of Christmases ago, but I heard it on the radio today and thought that I had to re-post it.)

The Christmas Shoes

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood.
(maybe if you didn't wait until the last second to buy stuff you'd be in a better mood, dipshit)
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing 'round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes.

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say,
(I could believe it. What do you expect from a dirty looking kid in a store? Do you honestly think he has money? I'd just go to another line, as you know it's going to take a while.

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
Did you ever think that it might make her smile more if you were physically there when she died? Maybe she was so sad that you weren't there that she died of a broken heart...
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.
What the hell?! Why is Daddy letting you run around by yourself? Where is Daddy? His name isn't K-Fed is it? Jesus is probably the name of the pool boy that mom is screwing on the side anyways.
Mom - I want to look good for Jesus tonight!
Kid - Why Mommy, are you sick??
Mom - Ummmm yeah, sick. Sick of your father...
Kid - What?
Mom - Nothing.

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
See?? Should have gone to another line.
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
Don't look at me, kid. I'm not a charity.
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes.
You should have thought about that before you tried to buy something with no money. Grown ups trade money for goods and/or services, so I suggest you either go ask your father for the money, or maybe get a job.

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
What? What does that teach the kid?
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama's gonna look so great.
Unless it's an open casket, it doesn't really matter

I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
By using a poor kid and his dying mother to remind you that you shouldn't be an asshole while you're in line buying an ipod and PS3 that you really don't need? Heaven's love indeed. Why doesn't heaven love the poor kid with the sick mother?
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about

And what exactly did it teach you about Christmas? Some poor kid, with no money has a sick and dying mother and you buy him a pair of shoes and then feel good about yourself? What a great story! What about the kid? What does he learn about God's love? God doesn't love poor kids who beg for shoes. He only kills their mothers? Plus, Christmas is about the birth of Jesus, which, if I'm not mistaken, isn't mentioned in this song.

The choir of little kids singing at the end is really too much too. Fuck this song sucks.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

More Christmas Ads

It's Almost Christmas!!

Yup, it's almost Christmas, and with that comes ads. Lots and lots of ads. Usually, stores will say whatever it takes to get you to buy their crap, however, I found it pleasantly surprising that they're being honest this Christmas.

I love educational toys. It's never too early to begin teaching your kids about men's and women's roles in society.

Friday, November 07, 2008

The other day...

The other day I was out at Sport Chek (buying a yoga mat, I think) and I happened to look at the running stuff (because I always look at running stuff). I'm all for whatever might make me run faster, stay cooler, or whatever. So, I came across some shorts and they were on sale, and they were basically what I wanted. They have the kind of bike short lining under the running short. Bike shorts are supposed to better keep your muscles from bouncing around, thus making for more efficient running, and less lost energy keeping your muscles from bouncing around. Anyways, I bought 2 pairs and left. While walking through the mall, I thought, "Hmmmm, I didn't even check to see if these were men's or women's shorts" (although they were with all the other mens stuff). Anyways, to make a long story short, they're women's shorts! Man, what a homo. They're smalls too. That's right, I wear a women's small.

I like them, so I decided to keep them, but I have one question,

Do these shorts make my ass look big?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


Well, it's time again for a Halloween post! This year, I'm going to change it up a bit and write about how women's costumes are all slutty, and that while you think you're going as a "sexy leprechaun", you're really going as a "whore".

Now, while perusing the slutty costumes, I came across 3 things that I found rather disturbing. In no particular order -

1. These two "Sexy Scarecrow" costumes

don't cost the same! The one on the right is $10 cheaper than the one on the left! This to me is blatantly discriminatory! Why? Because the fat girl has to pay more! Do I have to pay less for my 28 waist jeans than the guy who buys size 42? No. Is he getting twice the amount of material?? Yes. If I had any skill with a sewing machine I could buy fat jeans and then tailor them into 2 pairs of skinny jeans, buy I digress. The fat woman should not have to pay more for her costume, and she should be able to dress like a whore for the same amount of money as anyone else.

2. These are advertised as "teen" costumes.

Teens (boys and girls) don't need any help being whores, so I think these "Teen" costumes are a little inappropriate. Especially the convict one, but ESPECIALLY the french maid one. Ask any dude what comes to mind when you say "French Maid" and I guarantee you it isn't, "What innocent teens dress up as to go to a Halloween party with friends where they sit around exchanging recipes before getting tired and heading back home to bed." French Maid = Sex fantasy, so teen girls should NOT be dressing up as French Maids.

3. Finally, what the hell is this???

If you guessed "a Ghostbuster", you'd be wrong, because I think the description was "sexy Ghostbuster", but, I've seen both Ghostbuster movies, and I don't recall anything that looked like her in that movie. Maybe there's a Ghostbuster movie I'm not aware of...Just a sec...I'll check...Nope. I searched for Ghostbusters porn as well, but was afraid to click on any of the links.... Anyway, they're not even trying with this costume. They just took a slutty costume, slapped a Ghostbuster symbol on it, and called her a Ghostbuster! It's blasphemy (if you worship ghostbusters as your almighty saviour, that is).

So, having said that, I've decided to open my own costume store. Here are some of my creations.

Anyway, Happy "Dress Like a Whore" day!!

Saturday, October 25, 2008


My wife and I signed up for yoga class. Yoga people are weird. They're so calm and serene, it kind of creeps me out. It can't possibly be good for you either. They must have a lot of pent up anger in them just waiting for that day when someone does downward dog wrong and they just snap and kick the shit out of them. (side note - any single guys out there who want to meet hot toned women, take yoga. I'm the only guy in the class. You can thank me later.)

Anyway, back to the part about yoga people being weird. Look at this mat (that I bought)

Come on now! Are there seriously any people out there who would be lying on their mat doing some yoga pose thinking, "I just can't stop thinking that this yoga mat is going to spend all eternity sitting in a landfill somewhere." It's especially kooky because that same person probably drove their gas-guzzling SUV to yoga class.

It also came with a warning -

I have a hard time believing that doing yoga has killed many people. Having said that, I decided to check the good old internet to see if anyone actually has been killed doing yoga, and guess what?! They have! Check out these pictures!

The lion and the anvil I can deal with, I'll just do yoga inside, but shit, her head just fell off! That's CRAZY.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I had an idea!!

I call it "assbook". The idea is that you take a picture of your ass, and then post it online for all your long lost friends from highschool to see! Why you ask? Well, because, let's be honest here, you don't really care about Suzy from grade 12, you just want to know if she's gotten fat over the years.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I'm back baby!!

Hello?? Is anyone there?? I'm sorry I've neglected this blog, but recently I've had a flood of creativity where everywhere I look I see something and think, "I should blog about that." Well, because I don't want to waste any "A" material on a first post that nobody will read, I will write a short summary of what I've been doing for the past 6 months.

March - Stopped blogging.
April - Bought a Wii (which may not have been in April, but it did happen at some point)
May - can't remember
June - can't remember
July - Got married in Jamaica.

August - Ummm, revelled in newly wed bliss??
September - Hit 32 tiger attack free years! I celebrated this impressive feat by trying to get attacked by a lion, but alas, it did not occur.

I had to go all the way to Africa to do it too!
October - Decided to start blogging again.

There you have it. Consider yourselves caught up. Now, don't consider the fact that I walked with lions as an endorsement of the activity, as I've since heard that maybe it's not the best kind of thing to support, BUT, I'll claim ignorance, as I believed what they told me (which may be true, I don't know...) I may have some other Africa related posts coming up, depends on my ability to keep writing posts... I think I'll write some right now in the hopes that I get my 4 readers back.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Vogue is Racist, Sexist, and Probably Isn't Big on Gays

Well, apparently, the LeBron James/Gisele Bundchen cover of Vogue is "racially insensitive"

Here it is.

"James strikes what some see as a gorilla-like pose, baring his teeth, with one hand dribbling a ball and the other around Bundchen's tiny waist."

I can't help but agree here. I can't believe how 'racially insensitive' this magazine is!!

At first I thought that they should just have put a different picture on the cover - until I saw the other options!!

I mean, look at this one!

It doesn't even have any black people in it at all!!! Apparently this photo was taken just after the photographer suggested that a black person be included in the shoot, and just before they simultaneously responded, "Are you fucking kidding me???"

Here are some other LeBron/Gisele shots.

This one (above), incredibly, shows Gisele 'holding down' LeBron as if to say, "I am white, I am better than you, and I will over-power you and push you down".

While they're not speaking, this photo speaks louder than words.

Gisele - "Look at my breasts! And while you're doing that, I'm going to pull this ball away from you because I control you!!"

LeBron - "I got my own ball n****!"

Also, more subtle, but no less blatantly racist is the shape that Gisele is contorting to. What does it look like?? Well, it looks like the 'greater than' sign (>). This picture, translated to words clearly says, "White > Black", and well, that's just not ok.

I'm really not sure what this picture depicts. One thing I am sure of though, is that it offends me to the very core of my being.

Now, on to the sexist pictures.

The man (on the right) is ahead of the woman, one step in front. She's trying desperately to catch up, to be equal, but the sexy cheerleader outfit has too much wind resistance and it's pulling her back. That's right, the sexy cheerleader stereotype is preventing the woman from being equal to the man.

This one, well, it really doesn't take a rocket scientist to see how this may be considered sexist. I could make up something up about him carrying her off to have sex with because he owns her or something, but I don't really think I have to make that up. It really does depict that. Disgusting, utterly disgusting.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Holy Crap!

Man, it has been a while. What ever could I have been doing for the past month you ask? Well, not much. I did decide that it would be a good idea to take a painting class. Painting looks so easy. Well, news flash, it's not. Stupid instructor just splatters paint on paper and it looks like a river and some pine trees. I do it and it just looks like crap.

I got a new tv too. It's 46 inches of pure viewing pleasure. High definition is cool, but sometimes you see too much. Take the Oscars for example. Man, you can see every little wrinkle. And, (not that I was looking) the picture is so clear you can see the veins in Jessica Alba's breasts. I never would have thought that a picture of Jessica Alba's breasts would be "too clear".

What else... I got engaged. That's also new. We're going to Jamaica in July and we're getting hitched. There are like, 3 things to plan for a wedding in Jamaica and it's kinda stressful. I can't imagine planning a huge wedding here. Yech.

Anyways, thank you for asking where I was. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I'm sorry I've neglected this blog recently. I'll try to update more often, I promise.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Special K Revisited

Special K is a cereal. Now, maybe I eat Special K because I like it, maybe it's because I believe it to be good for me, maybe it's because I just want to look like the people on the box. Who knows? One thing I do know is this - if I go to the United States and buy Special K, it doesn't look like the Special K that I buy in Canada. Why is that? What are "they" up to?

Look! They both say "Original"! Look at them! One is flat like Corn Flakes and the other doesn't look like Corn Flakes at all! One is not original. One is a dirty filthy liar.

Well, I decided that to find out why, the best way would be to go to the source. That's right, Mr. Kellogg himself. He didn't answer, but a Mr. Pablo A. Martinez from the Consumer Affairs Department did and he said the following:

Thank you for writing to us about Special K®.

We always look for ways to maximize our brands on a global basis while remaining sensitive to the local tastes and cultures within each market. Extensive market research helps us assess whether a brand can be successfully introduced in multiple markets. The formulation of the products is different due to the varying preferences when it comes to taste and texture in any given market.

We appreciate your interest in our company and products.

Huh? "Varying preferences when it comes to taste and texture in any given market"? Is that true?? Will Americans buy more Special K because it looks like Corn Flakes? Do Americans like Corn Flakes that much?? Or, I suppose, do Canadians dislike Corn Flakes that much? Come to think of it, the thought of those little flakes of 'corn' does kind of disgust me.

My in depth investigation also uncovered that Special K is also a drug.

Because I'm so thorough with my reporting, I thought I'd try it myself.

So, in closing, Special K is a healthy cereal that looks different depending on which county you live in. I don't recommend snorting it, just eat it like any other health conscious woman would. This is partly because it stings, and partly because after a while, you find that not only do you eat it at breakfast, you'll also find yourself needing it at lunch, dinner and then when you hit rock bottom, even snorting it off some hooker's chest in the back room of some filthy club.

Note: Sorry for the crappy photography in this post. It's not easy to do day-to-day things when you're hepped up on Special K.