Sunday, December 24, 2006

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Worst Song Ever

The Christmas Shoes

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood.
(maybe if you didn't wait until the last second to buy stuff you'd be in a better mood, dipshit)
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing 'round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes.

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say,
(I could believe it. What do you expect from a dirty looking kid in a store? Do you honestly think he has money? I'd just go to another line, as you know it's going to take a while.

Chorus:
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
Did you ever think that it might make her smile more if you were physically there when she died? Maybe she was so sad that you weren't there that she died of a broken heart...
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.
What the hell?! Why is Daddy letting you run around by yourself? Where is Daddy? His name isn't K-Fed is it? Jesus is probably the name of the pool boy that mom is screwing on the side anyways.
Mom - I want to look good for Jesus tonight!
Kid - Why Mommy, are you sick??
Mom - Ummmm yeah, sick. Sick of your father...
Kid - What?
Mom - Nothing.


He counted pennies for what seemed like years
See?? Should have gone to another line.
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
Don't look at me, kid. I'm not a charity.
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes.
You should have thought about that before you tried to buy something with no money. Grown ups trade money for goods and/or services, so I suggest you either go ask your father for the money, or maybe get a job.

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
What? What does that teach the kid?
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama's gonna look so great.
Unless it's an open casket, it doesn't really matter

Bridge:
I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
By using a poor kid and his dying mother to remind you that you shouldn't be an asshole while you're in line buying an ipod and PSP3 that you really don't need? Heaven's love indeed. Why doesn't heaven love the poor kid with the sick mother?
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about

And what exactly did it teach you about Christmas? Some poor kid, with no money has a sick and dying mother and you buy him a pair of shoes and then feel good about yourself? What a great story! What about the kid? What does he learn about God's love? God doesn't love poor kids who beg for shoes. He only kills their mothers? Plus, Christmas is about the birth of Jesus, which, if I'm not mistaken, isn't mentioned in this song.

The choir of little kids singing at the end is really too much too. Fuck this song sucks.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Light my ass.

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Here you have hot chocolate. Mmmmm, so tasty.

What's that you say? "It tastes good, but think of all the calories?! Why can't they make a light hot chocolate?"

Well, fret no more, those crazy scientists did it! That's right, there does indeed exist a light hot chocolate!

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Now, how many high-priced chemist-type people do you think it took to come up with a light hot chocolate? (The light one is on the left - WOW HALF the calories!)

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President - How will we ever reduce the calories by half?! It can't be done! It just can't be done!

VP - Why don't they just put half as much powder in each pouch?

President - That's just crazy enough to work!


Fuck off President's Choice. It's just half the amount of regular hot chocolate (with less sugar, which I'm sure will make it taste like crap).

Monday, November 20, 2006

Britney/OJ Sex Tape

It's funny that Lisa brought up an OJ Simpson/Britney Spears sex tape in her comment on the last post, because I have actually seen this tape and I just happen to have some stills.

Here's the cover.

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After all that, it ends with OJ yelling, "Here comes the Juice! Here comes the Juice!"

And, of course, he kills her and runs away.

Friday, November 17, 2006

OJ Simpson - "If I Did It"

Or, the alternate titles, "How I Killed Your Mom", or, "I'm a Big Selfish Asshole Who Got Away With Murder".

This to me is the most abhorrent thing for someone to do (even worse than K-Fed blackmailing Britney with a sex tape). If I'd written the book, it would be in poor taste, but the guy who everyone thinks did it anyways, and whose own children's mother is the victim who he is going to describe murdering makes it so much worse. Having said that, if I were going to write an account of "If I'd Murdered Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman" it'd go a lttle something like this -

Paul (on the phone) - "Hello, is there an OJ Simpson there please?"
OJ - "Yes, this is OJ"
Paul - "Hey OJ, if I give you 50 bucks, will you murder your ex-wife and her friend?"
OJ - "Yeah, sure. I was thinking about doing it anyways."
Paul - "Cool, thanks."


I'm not sure there's enough there for an entire book though, but I think I could expand it a little and maybe throw in some pictures.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Britney Spears Sex Video

Apparently Britney and K-Fed made a sex tape and now he's blackmailing her with it. He's such a kind and caring parent. (Question: Who has custody of his kids from his previous relationship? Answer: Some poor woman who isn't Britney Spears.)

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K-Fed - "Hey Britney, you work that mic nice, want to make a sex tape?"
Brit - "Let me get this straight, you're asking me, Britney Spears, a super celebrity with legions of young fans, who is constantly scrutinized by the media to have sex with you and tape it?"
K-Fed - "That's right baby"
Brit - "Ok, sure."
K-Fed - "Alright, on the floor, and move it real fast.
I want to see your kitty and a little bit of titty."
Brit - "Oh K-Fed, you're such a poet!"
K-Fed - "Hey, you're right, give me a sec to write that down."

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Old News

Let's just call this post, "Old News". What's old news you ask? Well, did you hear that Britney Spears has filed for divorce? If you're sitting there thinking to yourself, "Hmmm, I really hadn't heard that", then you're a dirty filthy liar. I was going to then ask a question about some other potentially relevant global issue that nobody knows much about, but I don't know of any. I've been too busy watching America's Next Top Model to keep up to date on stuff that isn't really important. Maybe if parliament had amusing contests were wannabe models dressed up in skimpy swimsuits and the UN gave away $1000000 for 'surviving' in some third world country I'd be more interested.

Person 1 - "Did you hear that they passed a new law that states ... (by now I've stopped listening)"
Me - "Does it affect my ability to watch brainless crap on tv??"
Person 1 - "No"
Me - "Can you believe that they kicked the Indian girl off? That's crazy!"

Where was I?? Oh yeah, Britney Spears is getting divorced. Speaking of kicking unwanted crap to the curb, does anyone know how to get the stink out of a counter-top composter? Mine stinks.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Noel Gallagher Unplugged

In Toronto, on Tuesday November 7, and I'd kill to go, but, since I'm not willing to pay $1000 on eBay for tickets, I'm stuck listening to it on the radio. It's pretty cool that they're broadcasting it. 9 EST if anyone cares.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Huh?

I've noticed on some people's blogs a link to a site where you can buy 'stuff' that, I suppose, is somewhat related to their blog. A good example is this one. Now, I have a problem with this for a couple of reasons. The first is, why does this individual think that I (or anyone else) should have to (or wants to) pay their hard earned money for a shirt, or coaster, or any other piece of, well, crap that has their name/picture on it. I mean, I'm not going to spend money on a piece of crap that has Jessica Alba or Kate Beckinsale on it, and they're famous and recognizable. My second (lesser) problem is that someone has enough disposable income to buy this stuff. There must be a market for it, else it wouldn't exist. Now, granted, nobody is forcing anyone to buy it, but, just offering it seems a bit self-important, does it not?

Having said all that, if anyone wants to wear a shirt with my blog title spewed across it, not only will I create this shirt, I'll mail it to you. For the low, low cost of sending me a picture of you wearing it.

My shirt would look like this -

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Of course, I don't really expect anyone to want this shirt, nor would I expect anyone to pay for it, as, it's a crappy shirt with a blog title on it that nobody reads. I imagine it would cost about $20 each to make and ship them, so I hope nobody wants them.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Happy "Dress Like a Hooker" day!

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Person 1 - "Hey there, nice bear costume."
Woman wearing lion costume - "It's not a bear!"
Person 1 - "Oh, sorry, nice hooker costume"

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Person 1 - "Let me guess, you're dressed up like a hooker?"
Woman in mountie costume - "No, I'm a Canadian Mountie"
Person 1 - "What a coincidence, I'm a Canadian Mounter"
Woman in mountie costume - "Huh?"
Person 1 - "Nevermind, here, have another drink."

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Person 1 - "What are you supposed to be?"
Woman in cat costume - "Can't you tell?"
Person 1 - "Well, judging by the rainbow coloured stripes, the leggings, and the short skirt, I'd say you were a stripper. Or a hooker, it could go either way."

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Did you ever wonder

What happens when you stand behind a horse you're branding?

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Tooth Fairy (spoiler alert!!)

I was reading Cindy's blog post about the tooth fairy and I recall that I had to get some teeth pulled when I was a kid. That very night I saw a $2 bill on the kitchen table before I went to bed, which seemed odd. So, I wrote the serial number down on a piece of paper, and then, the next morning I checked the serial number on the $2 bill that magically found its way under my pillow with the number on the piece of paper and lo-and-behold, they matched, thus proving that the tooth fairy doesn't exist! I was smart enough to know that no two bills had the same serial number, yet too dumb to know that there isn't some magical 'fairy' who gives kids money for teeth.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Paul's Book Club (not to be confused with Oprah's)

Don't read a book today!
This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club, don't read this book!

Well, it's been a while since my last book club selection (see sidebar), so I hope nobody did anything dumb and read Dances with Wolves.

The next book in my club is "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" by Lynne Truss.

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This book is all about punctuation and how a simple comma can change the meaning of a sentence. For example, "Eats, shoots and leaves" means someone eats, then shoots someone and then leaves, which might be a good book (nah, I still wouldn't read it). "Eats shoots and leaves" is what pandas do, and quite frankly, I don't really care what pandas do (unless it's an amusing trick for my own personal amusement).

People, in general, I find, can't spell or use the correct punctuation, and they still get by, and probably make more money than I do, so picking apart someone's poor grammar is futile and frustrating. I'd rather not know that some idiot lawyer, or doctor doesn't know when to use an apostrophe or when to use it's or its. I don't know when to use a semicolon, and dammit, I don't care. I say, just use a damn period. People will know what you mean.

Anyways, join my club, don't read this book.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Thanksgiving.

Hmmm, what did I do you ask? Well, not much. I did however, make the second annual trek to pay tribute to the Jesus rock. It's still there, and it still looks nothing like Jesus (or at least nothing like how I think Jesus would look (ie. not covered in moss)). He's kind of a Chia Jesus. Just slap the chia seeds on Chia Jesus and watch the miracle that is life. All praise Chia Jesus!

I guess that's it. I will promise to update more, I've just been busy, yeah, busy. Busy being thankful for things, things like the Jesus rock, and play off baseball, and other crap that I won't bore you with.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Listen....

Do you hear that?

I think that's the sound of a blog dying.

No, wait, it's that Nickelback cd I bought.

Nevermind.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Discrimination!!

Well, it seems that 2 girls in Winnipeg who wanted to play on the boys' hockey team have won their human rights complaint and are now eligible, I suppose, to at least try out for the boys team.

Now, this is interesting, because, if preventing women from playing on a men's team is discrimintation based on sex, then preventing men from playing on the women's team would be as well. (That reminds me of that episode of "Diff'rent Strokes" when Willis was one of the contestants for the prom queen because he claimed it was discriminatory, and of course he won because all the men voted for him, while the women's votes were split 3 ways!! Damn, that show was ahead of its time.) Anyways, they claim that the women's team was terrible so they didn't want to play with them, but now, it seems that they've opened the door for boys who don't make the mens team to try out for the women's team. And, because they can't discriminate based on sex, the boys are likely better than the girls (IF THE STORY IS CORRECT AND SOME OF THE GIRLS CAN'T EVEN SKATE) and the girls team may be filled with boys. That will basically ruin the program, and no women hockey players will develop at all. Isn't that kind of counter productive in terms of women's hockey? I imagine that not many boys would want to play on a women's team, but who knows? Maybe they should do it just to make a point. Seems to me that they're moving towards just having teams and allowing everyone to sign-up, which is fine, unless you want to develop woman hockey players.

It would really be funny if the 2 girls who started all this didn't make the "men's" team OR the "woman's" team because they just weren't good enough. Some people....always wanting more.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Special Features 4

Well, it's time for another sneak peek at some of the special features that you'll get when you join my exclusive blog club.

You'll get behind the scenes footage of me actually writing blog posts. (In front of a live studio audience no less!)



It does a lot for your self esteem, unless they follow you to the driving range/batting cages.



Those jerks.

And, you'll see me attempt to beat the world record for solving the rubik's cube blind-folded.



All this extra material totally justifies the price. Don't delay, join today!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

I am a Winner.

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I'm not sure why I don't want to post my last name, maybe it's to prevent the stalkers and identity theives from finding me. ANYWAYS, I actually won a photo contest. I'm pretty proud of it if I may say so myself. I might actually have thought of a title if I'd thought I'd win. Something like "Tree" or "Field" or "Tree in Field", something meaningful like that.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Week in Review

Blah blah blah Steve Irwin. Blah blah blah Natascha Kampusch. Blah blah blah blah blah! Blah blah blah September 11. Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah Maria Sharapova? Yes. Blah blah blah!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Rubik's Cube Blindfolded.

Check this out. It hurts my brain to think that someone can do this. Unless, of course, he's cheating.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Drive home from Cottage

Just in case you were wondering what it's like to drive home from the cottage for multiple hours, here it is.



I wish it took longer...

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Ikea- Swedish for "Show me your Penis"

If you haven't heard, there's some controversy over the fact that there's a dog in the new Ikea catalogue that appears to be showing its penis. My question is this - why is this news? Ikea has had inappropriate pictures in their catalogues before. I looked through last year's catalogue and found these.

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Damn, I must be half elephant.

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What's that she's reading? That's right, it's Ikea's Big Book of Penises.

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Even children love the porn.

It's not just Ikea either. I checked the Sears catalogue, and it was even more obvious.

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Well, I guess what they say is true - nothing sells cheap furniture and women's pajamas like a nice big penis.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Watch this

This guy is funny.

I'm sorry I haven't updated much (not sorry enough to update though! Ha!)

Anyways, sometimes I think of something to write, but then I never really sit down to do it, so it just sits in my head as an idea. Plus, Big Brother 7 is on 3 nights a week, so that really eats into my free time.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

$5700? Now try listening

I rarely buy lottery tickets. Basically, I think it's a waste of money. As Dave Letterman put it once, "You have about the same odds of winning whether you buy a ticket or not." (ie. zero). Anyways, when the prize gets 'big' (>$30 million) then, sometimes, if I think of it, I'll buy a few tickets, just in case.

My girlfriend mentioned it last weekend -

GF - "We should buy lottery tickets because the jackpot is $42 million."
Me - "Ummm, sure. I have an idea, instead of buying tickets, why don't you give me the $20 you'd spend on the tickets, then when you don't win, I'll give it back, and it'll be like you won $20!!"
GF - "Shut up"


Anyways, we were on our way home on the day of the draw and she said, "Oh, we should get lottery tickets!" so we stopped.

Whenever I've purchased tickets in the past, I've always picked the same numbers (quick pick is for chumps). 10 21 23 25 33 44.

What numbers came up you ask??

Well,

10

21

23

33

44

and





03

Damn you Vincent Damphousse. If only you'd worn number 03 in Montreal instead of 25 I'd be RICH. RICH!!!

I kind of feel bad for people who have spent tons of money over the years and never won anything, but that doesn't last too long before the thoughts of "what can I blow this money on?" take over.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

It's for our own good!

I think this is overkill though.

U.S. authorities banned the carrying of liquids onto flights after the arrest of 24 people in an alleged plot to blow up U.S.-bound planes using explosives disguised as drinks and other common products.

Note to self - design a bomb made from bras and t-shirts.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!!! (aired July 22)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella appreciates the letters they get from fans. She especially likes the pictures of animals. Look! There’s a cute dog watching Jack on the tv. Dogs eat their own shit though, so I'm not sure of the point.

3 - 6:40 - Ok, here’s a long story, but I’ll try to condense it for you. Jack wanted to reach out to more people, so he decided that late night tv was the way to go. Who better to invite into heaven than the alcoholics and drug addicts who surely watch tv between 1 and 6 am? Anyways, Satan didn’t want Jack to expand his ministry, so he gave him cancer. THEN, after the cancer was “cured” he developed sepsis, which apparently kills you in 3 hours. To make a long story short, he didn’t die. Finally, Jack had really bad knee problems (undoubtedly from chronic over-genuflection) which prompted the need for a double knee replacement! Jack’s new chromium/cobalt knees will last him for the next 30 years he boasts. He had to learn to walk again even! What’s the moral of this story? Something about overcoming obstacles and survival through faith? Nope, it’s that God is a jerk for giving you cancer and putting you through hell, then, giving you sepsis and almost killing you, then, just for kicks, he takes out the knees. THEN, Jack is indirectly saying that the chromium knees are better than his God given knees, which surprises me, as usually stuff like that is Satan’s doing. Oh yeah, unless it benefits Jack, then it’s a miracle from God.

24:05 – Warren Buffett gave 37 billion dollars to charity and then said that it’s a great way to get to heaven. Well, according to Jack, it’s NOT a great way to get to heaven. Actually, if Jack has taught me anything, it’s that it’s a lot easier to get into heaven than donating 37 billion dollars. I say, blow that 37 billion on high priced call girls and booze, THEN, when all the fun is done, say a couple prayers and apologize. You really can’t lose. In all seriousness though, if The DaVinci Code is accurate and Jesus was a 'normal' man with a wife and kids, then I'm sure 37 billion dollars is more than enough to get you into heaven.

27:40 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! It’s called “Daniel: Final End Times - Mysteries Unsealed”. Apparently it’s $120 value for $49.99!! Rexella states that it’s a ‘must for every library interested in prophesy' (ie. Good luck finding this in any library.)

31:00 – Hey, they forgot to turn off the VCR. It’s the same VCR that I have, I think it’s a SONY.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 8)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella talks about Superman’s return. What does Superman have to do with anything?? Well, I think he’s implying that Jesus is/was some sort of Superman, and that he’s about to return. I’m not sure I agree with that though, Superman was faster than a speeding bullet and could leap tall buildings in a single bound. Jesus wasn't even faster than the Romans, and he obviously couldn't leap over them either.

4:00 – Jack discusses the big GM buyout. 47000 workers were paid to leave. Why? Well, Jack lays the blame solely on YOU. Because you didn't buy a GM car. That and because they were making too much money, but, ultimately, it's your fault.

8:00 - Jack asks if a thief can get into heaven. Well, the answer is “yes”, provided that the thief repents and gives his heart to Jesus. Jack then gets upset about terrorism and murder and says that there is (or was, I’m a little confused) chaos in New Orleans, so much so that they had to call in the troops!! I have a question, since when did American troops prevent murder and killing? Anyways, Jack says that no murderer can enter the kingdom of heaven. Jesus says in Matthew 23 v33 “How shalt you escape the damnation of hell?” Well, I think I can answer that question. Just repent (or pretend to repent, you’ll be forgiven). Jack should listen to his own advice. Basically, it doesn’t matter how much you kill or steal, as long as you apologize before you die.

Wait a minute! Rexella just said, “Good to know, Jack, that we can be forgiven for cheating, too right?” Jack wasn’t talking about cheating, and why would she need THAT clarified? Interesting....

13:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! It’s called “Daniel: Final End Times - Mysteries Unsealed”. Apparently it’s a $120 value for $49.99!! The only way I can imagine that it’s actually worth $120 is if there is about $119.50 in one of the DVD cases. Anyways, Jack says, “Imagine, you can know every verse in all of the 12 chapters (of Daniel)” I have a cheaper way to know what Daniel has to say, maybe pick up a bible and read it.

15:00 – Oooh, the earth is getting hotter! It’s that damn global warming. Jack says that it’s a sign that Jesus is coming, I say it’s a sign that need air conditioning.

20:00 – Jack agrees with Stephen Hawking when he says that the only hope for the world is to start colonizing space. He says that because of the pestilences, the tsunamis, the earthquakes and world wars, we’re going to have to start putting cities in space. He’s an idiot though, because, you might not have tsunamis in space, you have other stuff, like asteroids, and, oh, here’s a good one, NO AIR.

Idiot.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Mock Boar if Vacant...

On an unrelated note, it's hot here (by 'here' I mean Canada.) It's hot in Canada this week. I don't have air conditioning either, I just have 2 fans. 2 damn useless fans that don't really help much when it's so goddamn hot. It sucks when it's hot in Canada, the hockey rinks all melt and the igloos start to fall apart, and the polar bears migrate into the cities looking for shady places to rest. Screw you global warming.

Here's a vacation riddle. What's more disgusting than a huge giant spider that's the size of your hand? Give up? A huge giant spider the size of your hand with a bunch of babies!!!

look at the babies!!


Yech.

I also read a book. That's right, all that time away from tv and the internet forced me to read. It gave me a raging headache, but I read The DaVinci Code. I was going to include it as a book club book, except that I violated the first rule of my book club, which is of course, to not read the book. Anyways, it was ok I guess. I think it's only common sense to think that Jesus would have carnal knowledge of the ladies.

Hot babe - I'm so thirsty!
Jesus - Here, have some water.
Hot babe - Thanks. (drinks the water)
Jesus - Psyche! I just changed it to wine! Here, this is really water.
Hot babe drinks the water.
Jesus - Ha! Got you again!! That was wine too....you drunk yet?

After finishing it, I thought that my blog would be better if I incorporated some code to give it that air of mystery, but that would probably take too much effort, so I imagine that idea will be scrapped.

TENACIOUSLY, NOAH VOICED, "YUKON!"

Friday, July 21, 2006

I'm going away

That's right, no new posts for over a week! That's not really much different than usual lately, so maybe you wouldn't even have known that I was gone. Regardless, I've saved you all from coming here until next Monday.

Have you ever gotten to a point in your blog where you think that more people should read it than actually do? But you don't really know how to get more traffic, and you're too lazy to figure it out? And then you see some really shitty blogs with lots and lots of traffic but minimal content? And then you think that maybe you should be spending your time in a more constructive manner? I'm pretty sure I'm at that point. I'm not going to quit though, I was just curious.

Monday, July 17, 2006

It's time I updated

I was at the grocery store today and I came up with an idea that I'm sure everyone else has had at some point. Cart pushing should follow the same rules as driving a car. Here are the main ones.

3. Stay to the right
2. Signal your turns.
1. STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY.

Simple rules, yet, apparently, not so simple to follow.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

What the.....



THIS IS NOT HALF!! This is a new low with respect to shitty sub cutting. Just when you think the cut could not be worse, this is what you get. Never underestimate a grumpy unmotivated teenager's ability to cut a sub in two equal halves.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Special Features 3!!!

Well, it's time for another sneak peek at some of the special features that you'll get when you join my exclusive blog club.

Here's a scene of me writing my soccer post.




Another common special feature on DVDs is the story board. Yeah, let's see some crappy drawings of some movie scenes, that'd be interesting. Having said that, I see the value, and here's a story board for a blog post.




Trust me, special features are well worth the extra money. Don't delay, join today!

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Happy Canada Day.

I think it's time that time went to the metric system. Distance is measured in meters, and other distances in multiples and submultiples of 10 (centimeters and kilometers). Temperature is as well. Water boils at 100 degrees Celcius and freezes at 0, and you have 100 degrees in between. Volume is the same. You have litres, millitres etc. Time, on the other hand, has weird units, like hours and minutes. How many hours in a day? If you were thinking metric, you'd expect a muliple, (or submultiple) of 10, but you'd be wrong. There are 24 hours in a day, and minutes and seconds are equally messed up. So, what I'm proposing, (just to keep everyone on their toes) is to introduce a new unit of time (equal to 24 hours) called the "Day". Minutes and seconds become obsolete, and you get millidays and centidays, kilodays etc.

How would this change life, you may ask? Well, instead of tv shows starting at 4:30, for example, they'd start at 0.6875 (because 4:30 is 16.5 hours into a day, I simply divided 16.5/24 to convert to metric.) You could still say, "4:30", and most people would know what you were talking about, but they'd shake their heads at your inability to let go of the past an embrace the future. The only problem with this (that I can think of) would be that, say, the United States refused to use metric time, and everyone else converted. Then figuring out what time Friends is on would require a calculator.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Hey, hey, hey...

I feel sorry for morbidly obese people, especially the ones who are obese due to circumstances beyond their control. If there existed a button I could press that would cure them, I would press it. I might even go so far as to walk across a room in order to press it. Not a big room though, that's more than I'd be willing to do. I'd walk across a moderately sized room in order to press a button that would relieve someone of their obesity. That's how selfless I am. Actually, reflecting on this post, maybe the button pressing is more for my benefit, as opposed to theirs. If they weren't obese, I wouldn't have to feel bad for them when I saw them, and then I'd feel better. I guess them not being obese would be a happy side-effect of me making myself feel better. That wouldn't make me too selfless at all, would it?

On a similar note, Tim Hortons has decided to thank us by offering some free swims during the summer! Yay! Thanks for sending me to a crowded pool full of screaming children splashing around getting in my way when I'm trying to swim laps. I have an idea Tim Hortons, why not give me something that I want, like a free cup of tea or 25% off a soup and sandwich deal?? Or, better yet, why not thank me by getting my damn order right?? Thanks for nothing, jerk-asses.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Fake Story about Made Up Kids IV

"Dad", said the boy, "Why is the sky blue?"

"Well", I said, "It has something to do with diffraction of light, or was it refraction of light? And the blue light isn't scattered as much as the rest of the spectrum, or is it scattered more? Don't ask me", I said, "I don't have a degree in physics!"

"Yes you do", said the boy.

"Oh yeah, I do", I said, "I do..."

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Why I don't like Soccer

It's boring. A ridiculously one sided soccer match ends up with a score of 1-0. That's one goal, and a lot of kicking a ball around for 90+ minutes.

Soccer players run around on grass with shin guards on, then when they fall, they roll around for a while like they've been shot. Anyone who has ever fallen on grass (ie. everyone) will tell you that it doesn't hurt. Getting kicked in the shin when you're wearing shin guards? Doesn't hurt. Goalies dive around on the grass and take balls off the face (hee hee) and they don't roll around in agony. What's the difference? There isn't any, thus proving that soccer players are pansies. Plus, these are elite athletes we're talking about. Maybe if it were a field full of senior citizens I could accept people getting hurt when they fall down.

Soccer fans are obnoxious. I'm not really sure I can add anything to that.

I think there are more reasons, but I can't think of them, and I'm tired. I'm sorry my blog has sucked recently, but there has been a lot of soccer to watch, and watching soccer just drains me because it's so dumb.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Photo Contest

There is a photo contest to take pictures of wildlife in and around the location where I work. I thought I'd participate, and I've taken a few pictures. I'm not sure they're contest winners, but I still have a few weeks (just maybe not the patience). Anyways, I was looking for some opinions in the minipoll. (Click photos to enlarge)

Number 1Number 2Number 3

Number 4Number 5Number 6

Maybe I'll go back to take some more...

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Please, just cut my hair...

When you're as attractive as I am, you have to spend a little more time grooming than others (read "ugly people"). Anyways, when I was at First Choice (getting a $10 haircut) the hairdresser was distracted because people were parking beside her car, so she kept checking the lot (I checked the lot on the way out and there was no car there worth worrying about). She was clearly distracted, which made me a little nervous. I'm nervous in general at the hairdressers (because you get what you pay for, and I only pay about $10) so the added stress of the First Choice hairdresser being distracted made it even worse. AND, speaking of distracting, I don't like chatting with the hairdresser. I want a haircut, not small talk about the weather. "Yes, it's hot outside, now please just cut my hair", "Yes, I work around here, just keep cutting please." Why fill a perfectly good silent 15 minutes with mindless blabber?

Monday, May 29, 2006

Poker

Online Poker

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 8586190

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Flea Market

Last year (or maybe it was longer ago than that) I was at the local flea market - not really to buy anything of course, just to hang with the commoners. It helps keep me grounded. Anyways, I bought socks. That's right, 12 pairs for $11.99 - you really can't beat that, UNLESS you bargain the guy down to $10.99 by threatening to go to that other guy (who looks suspiciously like the guy you're talking to) to buy it from him. I'm quite the shrewd businessman, I don't pay more than 92 cents for a pair of socks. The point was, I've washed those socks at least 25 times and they still leave a load of fluff on my feet when I take them off. Where the hell does it come from? You'd think that there'd come a time when all the fluff that was going to come off has come off, and you'd think that it would only take a few washes to reach that point. Well, if you're one who'd think that, then you'd be wrong.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired April 15)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

3:00 – Jack says that when we are raptured our bodies are changed to look like Jesus’. Men and women alike, which, kind of sucks. How good can heaven be if everyone looks like a bearded carpenter? What about sex? Isn’t there sex in heaven? I guess not, because, everyone knows that gay sex is sinful and there’s no room for that in heaven. This leaves a bunch of Jesus clones sitting around heaven... doing what? Probably nothign fun. I bet Satan would make all the women look like Jessica Alba if you asked nicely.

5:00 - Jack jokes about needing a head transplant. That’s no joke Jack, that's the TRUTH!

10:00 -Apparently there are some catholic ‘truth squads’ who are exposing the lies of the DaVinci Code. One of the lies is that Jesus as a boy pushed a kid off the roof killing him, and then brought him back to life (because he’s the son of God he has powers like that). I don't know if that's true, but that’s what I’d do I had the ability to bring people back to life. Actually, that would be a pretty cool power. If there was a long line at Costco or Walmart, I’d just kill everyone in the line, pay for my stuff, then bring them all back. Or just leave them there, whatever.

13:48 - GLOBAL HEADLINES!! Yay!! Rexella ponders the fairness of there being more billionaires now, while there are still starving children. I guess she hasn't heard of ‘survival of the fittest'. If life were supposed to be fair, God would have made it fair. Anyways, Jack doesn’t care about the starving children, he’s excited that it’s a sign! Rexella then asks, "Should business execs meet at strip clubs??" Surprisingly enough, the answer is 'no', but then Jack explains that these people who lust after strippers etc. won’t make it into the kingdom of heaven (1st Corinthians 6 v9-11). Well, if the kingdom of heaven is anything like he described earlier (ie. it's full of Jesus clones), maybe it's not the place for people who enjoy strip clubs (ie. everyone).

19:42 – Now, this is important. How do we know that the revived Roman Empire is the EU, which is the final world government? Well, what did the Romans use for a numbering system? Roman numerals!! (funny how that worked out) What are the values for Roman numerals? I = 1, V = 5, X = 10, L=50, C=100 and D=500. Ok people, are you ready for this?? ADD THEM TOGETHER!! That’s right, you get 666, which is the mark of the beast, or anti-christ, and well, I don’t remember exactly what the point was, but I think it had to do with Jesus, or God.
ALSO, if you number our alphabet using multiples of 6, for example, A=6, B=12, C=18 etc. and you spell out "COMPUTER", it equals 666. A COMPUTER is evil. COMPUTERS plural is fine. Also, if you spell out MARK OF THE BEAST, you don't get 666, you get 846, BUT, if you spell out MARK OF BEAST you get 666. Sometimes you have to fudge the numbers to put the fear of God into people. If you try, "I LIKE HAVING SEX WITH BARNYARD ANIMALS" it equals 1914, which isn't 666, so knock yourselves out you sick perverted bastards.

Monday, May 15, 2006

A riddle

What is the difference between the self-serve checkout machine at the grocery store and an actual cashier?

The machine has more personality. (Get it?? Because the teenagers who work there are so miserable??)

Then, the people behind me in line wouldn't put anything on the conveyor until the divider was down. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT??? It seriously bugs me. I know what I chose, and I'm not going to let the cashier scan stuff that isn't mine. PUT THE DAMN GROCERIES ON THE CONVEYOR WITHOUT THE DIVIDER!

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Capote (not pronounced "capoat")

This is me with my new movie.



I liked it so much I bought (and read) the book!



This is me reading the book!




Read it!

Friday, May 05, 2006

Holy Crap.

Has it been a week already? I bet you're all thinking, "He must have been planning quite the post." Well, if you were thinking that, you'd be wrong.

Anyways, first it was this honour and now this.

I consider myself more dashing than beautiful, but I'll take what I can get.

Since I'm running and swimming and biking so much, I probably won't update again for another week. Who would have thought that a triathlon would be so much work?

Friday, April 28, 2006

The Bearded Series

The Bearded Pig - smallest torso and largest head of all pigs.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


I now bring you "The Bearded Singer" - smallest torso and largest head of all singers.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


and "The Bearded Actress" - smallest torso and largest head of all actresses.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


I'm not saying they have beards, just that their heads are really friggin' big.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Special Features 2

Well, it's time for another sneak peek at some of the special features that you'll get when you join my exclusive blog club.

For example, did you know I interviewed Jack Van Impe? Here's a preview!




Also, witness the exact moment that my book club (see sidebar) was born!




And finally, watch me actually write blog posts!




Don't delay, join now!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

3 things

I went to see Elbow at the Opera House last night. Damn, they were awesome. If Elbow is ever in town, I recommend that you go. Trust me.

I got an oil change etc. and I hadn't been since July (because, really, how often do you really NEED to change your oil? I'd say if they're telling you 3 months or 5000km, it's really at least twice that, AT LEAST.) Anyways, I couldn't admit to the guy that I hadn't changed the oil in 9 months, yet I don't have a problem telling the dental hygienist that I don't floss. What's up with that?

Finally, I joined the Running Room's Triathlon clinic. That's right, knock another one of those New Year's resolutions off the list (last year's list). Next stop, Iron Man.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Tiger Woods is a spaz...

Well, it appears that Tiger offended some people by saying that he putted like a spaz. You'd think that he'd know better, being the public eye and all. What a retard.

People are too damn sensitive. Give him a break, it's not like he clubbing seals or anything.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Update!!

The problem is that I have nothing to write. I'm having, how you say, a lapse in creativity. Is it possible that after 2 years I have nothing more to contribute to the blogging world? I don't want to bore you with the menial details of my day, as that's not why I blog. Anyways, I feel 'bad' when I don't update for a long time because I'd hate to lose one of the 10 people who read this, but, what can you do? Maybe I'll start writing poetry.

when I consider the children
starving in africa
it makes me happy
because i'm not them.

Now, I'll tell you why this poem is great.
1) I didn't feel the need for capitalization or punctuation
2) I didn't feel the need to make it rhyme
3) It really makes you think.

That's a quick lesson in poetry for you. It's like taking a picture in black and white. It's a quick and easy way to disguise crap to make it look something other than crap.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

It has been 2 years.

I forgot my blog's birthday/anniversary. It was last week. Now it's not talking to me and it's not being funny anymore. Stupid blog.

Friday, March 31, 2006

People are Cruel.

Whether it's seals or bulls or sharks or chickens or cows, I think the main point is, "People are cruel". I guess that's the problem with being so evolved as a species, some of us use it to take advantage of the weaker species for our own benefit while some use it to feel sorry for those of whom the cruel ones take advantage.

The world is way too fucked up to worry about the seals. Let's worry about people killing people first, then let's worry about the cute animals. Then, when that's all done, we'll move on to the ugly animals, THEN, if there's time, we'll stop killing the insects too. THEN, when that's all done, we'll stop walking around for fear of killing an ant and we'll stop breathing for fear of stealing the air from some other living thing that is just as deserving. Then, when we're all dead, the circle will start over and cruelest species will dominate once again until, of course, they start feeling bad about it.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

New? I don't think so...

Since when did taking something out of something make it 'new'?

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They just took the damn bacon out! Plus, since when were 2 free downloads a selling point? I get all the free downloads I want, and I don't have to buy "Pep-and-Baconless" Pizza Pops (but I do anyways).

Here's another "new" product that just seems to be new packaging.

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They say it's EXTREME but it basically tastes like any other Excel gum. I did notice that what they are probably trying to pass off as electricity (it is called VOLTAGE afterall) looks a bit like sperm. Now there's an idea for a new product - Sperm gum!

Sugar Free Excel Ejaculate - For that right after a blow job feeling.

I have a few more ideas for 'new' products too. This is basically "Coke" but, taking a page from the Pillsbury book of new products, I've taken out the syrup and sugar. I call this, "New Coke Light".

And I think this is a real winner as well. Man, I'm just full of winning ideas.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Push the Fart Button, I Dare You...

Inspired by Corinna, I wrote my own quiz. No pushing, there's plenty of quiz for everyone.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Take that look from off your face.

How do you stand up for 2 hours, listen to loud noise that may or may not sound like you think it should, surround yourself with drunken idiots, pay $80 for it, AND, here's the kicker, not feel ripped off?

What the fook you lookin' at?


Oasis is awesome.

(photo courtesy of my sister)

Friday, March 17, 2006

A Day in the Life - Now with Special Features.

Well, because DVDs have bonus materials and special features that just serve to add another DVD and jack up the price, I figured that I should do the same thing with my blog.

If you become a member of my exclusive blog club, you'll be privy to such things as

Bloopers like this


Video Sharing at DropShots.com
.

Audio commentary on posts (you can play it while reading any post).

this is an audio post - click to play


Behind the scenes specials on the making of "A Day in the Life"

From my North Country post.


Video Sharing at DropShots.com


and


Video Sharing at DropShots.com


Trust me, it's worth it. If you join, you'll get hours of extra features and bonus materials. Don't be a chump, join today!

Update on updates

Sometimes I feel bad when I don't update for a while, but then I think that nobody really cares anyways, so that helps. I've been too busy watching the Tim Horton's Brier. For those of you who know what that is, shut up. I like it.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Costa Rica

Well, I'm back.

A few things about Costa Rica.

1. Some of the roads are so bad, it takes over an hour to go 20 km. There was a report of a taxi falling into a 2 meter deep pot-hole. This brings us to another interesting fact about Costa Rica. They refer to 'massive craters' as 'pot-holes'.

2. You can see animals in the wild, which is pretty cool.

monkeys!
crocodile


I really wanted to see a jaguar, but, of course, they don't really want to be seen. They like to keep their private lives private. Just like celebrities. Just like celebrities! Once I made that important comparison, finding one was easy.


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Just because you put a hat and sunglasses on, doesn't mean we can't tell who you are. Animals are so dumb, no wonder we catch and teach them to do silly tricks for our own amusement.

(I find it odd that that jaguar is a) driving a car, and b) has Britney Spear's baby, but, I imagine, if given the opportunity, Britney Spears would have sex with a jaguar. I imagine she's probably had sex IN a Jaguar, and FOR a Jaguar, I imagine WITH is a logical progression.)