Thursday, December 30, 2004

Join Millions Across the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired December 25)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

00:01 - Happy Birthday Jesus – Or is it?? (gasp! I love controversy!)

1:50 – Chuck plays the trumpet! I didn’t know that. Whoa, Chuck is standing out in the woods with a trumpet ‘praising Jesus’. Man, that forest has some pretty good sound. Kind of sounds like he’s playing inside and they’ve dubbed it over. (this portion of Jack Van Impe Presents has been brought to you by the Ashlee Simpson show)

8:00 – The Belles of Saint Mary’s. Whoa. Apparently the St. Thomas Church of the Episcopal faith has these women called the “Belles of Saint Mary’s” sitting in church NAKED and then they ascend a ladder to heaven NAKED and then sell the pictures. Well, I have to Google this. Yikes, they’re all old. Anyways, they use the money to fund breast cancer research, but still, don’t they know what the bible says?? Well, I don’t specifically, but God hates nudity (probably because He Himself has a small penis, but that’s purely conjecture. I don’t think there are any bible passages that specifically mention the size of Jesus’ schlong. I just searched this online bible for “hung like a mule” but came up empty.)

12:00 – Jack comments on some whackos who don’t believe there could be a virgin birth. He proves it’s possible by saying that if modern scientists can clone stuff from a single cell without performing dirty vulgar acts, then of course God can knock up some poor woman without sex. Personally, I think Mary got a raw deal. I imagine that sex with God would be quite the experience, unless that small penis thing is true.

19:00 – Rexella is holding a puppy! It’s soooo cute. Now they’re showing some clip of when Rexella visited the holy land and sang some song about praising the Lord. You really have to watch this part. Man, it’s crap, and that dude behind her doesn't look too impressed, he's probably wishing he had some explosives strapped to himself.

25:40 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! It’s Jack’s Prophesy Bible!! (it’s a little electronic organizer in case you didn't know) How can you possibly fit so much information inside something so small?? Science! Science is wonderful when you’re trying to fit a bunch of bible prophesy/useless crap into something you can carry around in your pocket. It’s not so useful, however, when you’re trying to prove that all that stuff inside that little piece of electronics is true.

28:00 - Rexella leaves us with this: The greatest gift of all was laid in a manger. It sure was, Rexella, it sure was.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

What are you doing New Years?

I don't like New Years, it's a pretty dumb holiday and just an excuse to get really drunk and make resolutions that we have no intention of keeping. Why wait until January first to get smashed and fool yourself into thinking you'll get off your lazy ass and do something? You can do that any day.

Anyways, having expressed my utter distaste for New Years, I resolve to do the following in the next year.

1. Join the gym. Notice I didn't say, "Go to the gym for an extended period of time", I just said join. I can almost write that off right now.

2. Take piano lessons. If Pretty Woman taught me anything, it's that inside every cheap, dirty hooker is a beautiful woman with a heart of gold. And that chicks dig guys who play the piano.

3. Get a six-pack. (Not at the beer store, although that would be easier).

4. Write a sitcom. How hard could it be?

5. Write, direct and produce a short film. How hard could it be?

6. Start smoking, and then quit. I'm sure it'll be the hardest thing I've ever done, but smoking is pretty dumb.

7. Finish at least one of the many books I've started to read but then quit. If anyone knows how "Horton Hatches an Egg" ends, please don't tell me. I'm thinking that Horton is hunted and killed by poachers, but I could be wrong.

8. Compete in a triathlon. No stupid comments, I really want to do this.

9. Ummm, paint my house? If anyone wants to help, please let me know. (By "help" I mean "Paint while I sit there and point out spots you missed.")

10. Be nicer. That's pretty weak but I suppose everyone could afford to be a little nicer. Be it holding a door open for someone, or helping an elderly person carry their groceries to the car, maybe shovelling the neighbour's walk, or brushing off their car on a particularly snowy day. Maybe buying flowers for someone for no reason, or maybe just telling someone how important they are to you with no ulterior motives. I'd say the world would be a better place if everyone was a little 'nicer'.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Ahhhh, the internet.

Now I can get back to wasting vast amounts of time on the internet. Actually, being without it for a month has made me realize that there are better things to do with your time than waste it on web. It made me think about being social, and, instead of using MSN to 'talk' to people, you can actually talk to them in person! Also, you can do things like read, or learn a new skill with your free time.

I'm not planning on moving again for a while though, so I shouldn't have to feel that way for a while. Phew.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

It's an honour just to be nominated...

But the bigger honour would be winning. No matter how nice it is to be recognized for something, it's always nicer to win. So, having said that, vote once, vote often, as I'll probably forget and then I won't get any votes and I'll feel like a loser.

Applications for campaign manager are now open, send me your resume and if you're qualified (ie. you're 20-something, female and are open to trying new things) you can help me achieve my newly aquired dream of having an illicit affair with my campaign manager.

Seriously, whoever nominated me, I appreciate it, and read the Jack Van Impe reviews.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Sigh...

No internet or no cable for another week! Stupid Bell ExpressVu. You'd think they run right over here when they heard that I needed internet.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

I'm moving.

I'm moving. To my own house. A house I bought. Now I'm poor, and I my internet won't be hooked up right away. Anyways, for a housewarming present I don't want furniture, I want this. Much cooler than a couch or bed I'd say.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe presents!! (aired October 2)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Headline #1 “Churches tempt congregants to return”. They gave out stuff like chocolate to get people to come back. Now, I’m no ‘expert’ here, but does the bible not say something about God being a shepherd and leading us not into temptation??? Wouldn’t that mean that if someone was tempted back to the church by chocolate then that would mean there would be more people at church, BUT, they wouldn't have been led there by God? What does this mean? Beats me, but I imagine they’re all going to hell. Don’t these crazy church people understand this stuff?? Well, Jack says candy bars won’t do the job, so at least we agree on something, especially if it’s that Turkish Delight crap. Man, that stuff is gross. If they really wanted more people, they should tempt them with sex, or money. Or sex and money. Or maybe they should just get rid of all that preachy Jesus talk and turn it into a place where you gamble and look at strippers.

10:00 – Rexella marvels at the fact that they have so many articles on the European Union over the last 10 days. Well, I imagine you can find a lot of articles on any sort of crap if you have access to thousands of newspapers. All these newspapers have articles on the EU in common, what else do they have in common? Garfield is not funny in any of them. Garfield is the Turkish Delight of comics. Maybe you liked it when you were a dumb kid, but now you realize that it’s just crap.

22:00 – World War 3 is right on schedule!! I imagine they’ll confirm that it has actually arrived on schedule about 10 minutes after it has started. Of course, they don’t have a date or time of the actual arrival, but it’s coming!! If you don’t have a bomb shelter yet, you'd better get started.

24:00 – The sound died on this stupid thing. Jack’s waving his arms around like an idiot, probably ranting about the final world government and how Jesus is on his way. I hope I’m not missing something good… Ah, who cares, I’m going to watch Jeopardy.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

10 000!!

Man, I'm going to break 10 000 tomorrow. How did I manage to get 10 000 hits in a measley 9 months you ask?? Dirty Croatian porn. Yup, I jumped on the Severina Vukovich bandwagon so early that every 15 year old Croatian boy found my site when he was looking for that video. I imagine I pissed off all of them too, because I didn't have the video, nor would I have known how to post it if I did.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Darryl, Darryl...

This list of eligible Hall of Famers is messed up. I'll give at least 2 reasons.

1) Jim Abbott - 87 wins and 108 losses with an ERA of 4.25 with 888 career strike-outs.

Now, don't get me wrong, I liked Jim Abbott in his day (basically because he only has one hand) but that in itself shouldn't be enough to get you into the Hall of Fame.

Still, he's better than:

2) Darryl Strawberry?? Let's look at his stats :

1990 - arrested for allegedly striking wife in the face and threatening her with a handgun. Also entered Smithers Centers for alcohol rehabilitation.

1993 - Divorced from Lisa, was arrested for allegedly striking Charisse Simons (girlfriend).

1994 - Admitted to having a substance abuse problem and entered Betty Ford Center.

1994 - Strawberry and his agent, Eric Goldschmidt, were indicted on federal tax evasion charges.

1994 - tested positive for cocaine and was suspended.

1999 - arrested for cocaine possession and for soliciting an undercover officer for sex.

1999 - again tested positive for cocaine.

2001 - has a four-day drug binge. After a hospital stay, was sentenced to spend two years in a drug treatment center.

2002 - was booted from the treatment center for breaking its rules, including the one not allowing sex between residents.

Maybe if slugging percentage included his significant others, and there was a stat for being addicted to crack, he'd be a prime candidate. Maybe. Although, he was pretty funny in that Simpson's episode.

They won't let Pete Rose in, who has the major league record for hits because he gambled, but they'll nominate someone who has repeatedly had trouble with things, that in my opinion, are worse than gambling.

Well, Pete, I hope you've learned a lesson. Instead of gambling on baseball, you'd have been better off smacking your wife around after doing some crack and not paying your taxes. (forget that last one, he had a bit of a problem with taxes too. Whatever...)

Monday, November 29, 2004

Read it and weep, chumps!

-----Original Message-----
From: SMITH BOWANI [mailto:smith-bowani@pnetmail.co.za]
Sent: November 28, 2004 9:41 AM
To: Paul
Subject: Private

Hello,


I am Mr. Smith Bowani, an auditor of a reputable bank in Johannesburg, Gauteng Province in the Republic of South Africa. I have an urgent and very confidential business proposition for you.

We had a foreign client named Mr. Wooin Shim, who deposited a huge sum of money (18.6 Million United States Dollars), with our bank. Eventually, this client died in a plane crash and since his death we have not had anybody come up for the claims as the next of kin.

You may want to take a look at other passengers, who were on the same plane; here is a site for your perusal.http://www.cnn.com/WORLD/9708/06/guam.passenger.list/

A situation I have monitored closely with my position in the bank. Now having monitored this deposit and managed it over the years before his death, and hence nobody has showed up as the next of kin for the past years. I now solicit for your assistance to present you as the next of kin as every other arrangement/ processes will be monitored by me and my partners involved. However I got your contact from a trade consultant here in South Africa, though I did not disclose the purpose of my seeking for a foreign business partner to him. Although we will still have to sign some agreement before the final transfer of the fund into any of your designated bank account.

I have involved a very senior official in the operational department, and we have agreed that after the transfer of the money into your account, you shall be entitled to 20% of the total sum, my colleagues and I will have 75% while 5% will be used to reimburse any expenses incurred. All necessary precautions have been taken to ensure a risk free situation on the side of both parties. Please note that this deal can only take place on the following conditions;

1. Absolute confidentiality and sincerity will be required and guaranteed, considering our positions in the bank.

2. Assurance that our own share will be released to us in good faith when this money finally gets into your account.

Please treat with utmost confidentiality. Contact me as quickly as possible through my e-mail.

Expecting your urgent response,

Best Regards,

MR. SMITH BOWANI


Finally, I catch a break. Have fun at work tomorrow, I'm planning my retirement.

Friday, November 26, 2004

A Riddle...

What's about 6 inches long, ribbed, requires batteries and is more useful than I am in the dark??

Give up??

This.

I got it from work.

(It's a flashlight)

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Jude Law is a stud.


I don't care what you say, the similarities are there.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Best Pick Up Line Ever (except for the space-pants one, of course)

Hey, I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

I can't imagine that NOT working. Who doesn't love a little self deprecating humour??

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired September 25 and you should watch this one. It has it all.)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Jack tells us an amusing story about when he was a “typical thirteen year old kid”. (Typical meaning born again, accordion playing and scripture quoting.) Now, Jack just wanted to go out to play ball (in his hightops and knickers), but his dad instead took him to some revival where they played their accordions for the crowd (and probably had to beat of the ladies with a stick). Well, Jack’s dad was quite the showman, and he says to Jack (in front of hundreds of people), “Son, are you happy in the Lord tonight?” Well, because Jack wanted to be out playing, he said, “NO!” (ha, that Jack!) and the whole crowd laughed and laughed, which is good, because the bible says “a merry heart doeth good like a medicine”, BUT, Jack’s father’s heart wasn’t too merry as he was being laughed at, so when they got home Jack’s father applied “the board of education to the seat of understanding.” (ie., he beat poor Jack with a board). Now, before you go and say, “Beating children isn’t an acceptable behaviour, nor is it funny” let’s hear what God has to say about it. Proverbs 23 verse 13 and 14 says “withhold not correction from a child”, so in other words, beat away! God went so far as to kill his son, but of course, we shouldn’t love our children THAT much. I’d say, just stick to the beatings. Anyways, Jack, being the typical bible quoting thirteen year old that he was says (in between lashings, of course), “Don’t you know what Ephesians 6 v. 4 says?? 'Provoke not your children to wrath'”. Ha ha ha, man, that crazy Jack. I can only imagine that a snarky comment like that only prompted more correcting from the hand of Jack's dad.

5-20:00 - There's some good stuff about science in this section, and how Jack knows nothing about science.

20:00 – Now, this is important. How do we know that the revived Roman Empire is the EU, which is the final world government (when? NOW!) Well, what did the Romans use for a numbering system? Roman numerals (funny how that worked out). What are the values for Roman numerals? I=1, V=5, X=10, L=50, C=100 and D=500. Ok people, are you ready for this?? ADD THEM TOGETHER!! That’s right, you get 666, which is the mark of the beast, or anti-christ, and well, I don’t remember exactly what the point was, but I think it had to do with Jesus, or God, and hell, and, oh yeah, that's where you're going.

ALSO, if you number our alphabet using multiples of 6, for example, A=6, B=12, C=18 etc. and you spell out "COMPUTER", it equals 666. A COMPUTER is evil. COMPUTERS plural is fine. Also, if you spell out MARK OF THE BEAST, you don't get 666, you get 846, BUT, if you spell out MARK OF BEAST you get 666. Sometimes you have to fudge the numbers to put the fear of God into people. If you try, "I LIKE HAVING SEX WITH BARNYARD ANIMALS" it equals 1914, which isn't 666, so knock yourself out you sick perverted bastard.

28:00 – Rexella leaves us with this - “In prayer, God hears more than words, he listens to your heart”. SO, if you’re praying to God, and he doesn’t do anything, remember, he’s listening to your heart. If you’re not seeing results, it’s because, in your heart, you don’t really want it. Think about that. If, for example, you knew someone who was dying of cancer, and you prayed for them, and they died anyways, in your heart you didn’t really want them to live, and that, my friend, makes you one horrible person. You’d best try to get back in God’s good graces by finding and beating, no, pardon me, correcting some children.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

The Virgin Mary

Because the Virgin Mary has decided to show herself to some yahoo in the States, I figured that she MUST have been trying to contact the likes of me. I decided to look more closely at some of my Vietnam pictures. Check this out.



Take a closer look at what's inside that box!

What an honour.

Once I knew what to look for, finding her again wasn't as difficult.

See here and here.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired September 18)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella says that they just got back from a “well deserved” vacation because they do 50 shows a year, and they needed a break. Actually, I think they do one show a year, they just repeat it 50 times. Kind of makes you wonder why they don’t do 52 shows a year. Lazy bastards.

Animals in heaven talk! Jesus is coming on a white horse, and millions of others are too!! What’s that you say? That’s a believable story EXCEPT for that lingering question, “where do these horses come from?” Well, God has created billions of planets (ask the scientists, they’ll tell you, just don’t ask them how the horses get to earth from these planets, because that’s God’s problem, not science’s) so these white horses could be grazing on these other planets as we speak. “The Planet of the Horses” Get your hoofs off me you damn dirty equine!

11:28 – The new OFFER OF THE WEEK!! “The Final World Government. When? NOW!!” Well, it’s about the final world government. If you were wondering when, I think it’s soon, possibly next week sometime.

19:00 – Rexella comments on terrorism targeting children. She says she can’t believe that they’d sink to that level. Well, if there’s one thing that terrorists are known for, it’s their compassion towards the kiddies. Jack then refers to people who hurt children as “brutal beasts”. BUT, he said earlier that the beasts of the earth would be in heaven. I guess Jack’s in for a surprise when he meets Bin Laden up there in heaven, prancing around on a cloud, killing children.

28:00 – Rexella leaves us with this, “God always rules with love, never with force.” But what about the hurricanes Rexella? What about the hurricanes? God uses force, and calls it love, just like abusive husbands and parents!

“Children of abusive parents, next on Springer”.

Our first guest, we’ll call him J. Christ or JC (to protect the innocent) is going to confront his abusive father who we’ll refer to as, “Mr. The Almighty Creator”. (Mr. Creator is backstage unaware of what is going on.)
Jerry - "So JC, tell us about your father"
JC - "Well, first of all, he makes me refer to him as the Almighty Creator, then he sends me down to a dump of a planet where I end up being nailed to a board. All under the guise of love. Oh yeah, and he embarrasses me in front of my friends and won’t let me take the car on weekends."
Jerry - "Well, let’s bring him out!"
(crowd boos)
Mr. Creator – "Huh? Jesus Christ! What in the name of Myself is going on here??"
JC – "I’ve had it with your 'love' I’m not going to let you get away with it anymore...and...I want more liberties with the car."
Mr. Creator – "Why you little ungrateful <expletive deleted>".
<Scuffle ensues, Mr. Creator and JC have to be physically separated, cut to commercial.>

Friday, November 12, 2004

Pet Peeve.

Don't you hate it when you're trying to download a song but all of them are labelled wrong??? Every time I downloaded "Islands in the Stream" I got all psyched up for the Bee Gees, and it was that shitty Dolly Parton one. Man, I hate that.

Read these.

You should read this. It's damn funny. This post is hilarious. While I'm glad I've never taken the time to make dirty pictures with Starbursts, I kind of wish I'd written it.

I found it after finding this. It's funny too.

Sometimes, the "Next Blog" button actually produces something worth reading. Most times it produces annoying, musical, Anime filled crap WritTeN liKe thIS. Try it, I bet you the "Next Blog" button gives you something with shitty music and anime. SeE! I TolD yOu.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Lest we forget....

Because it's Remembrance Day (in Canada anyways) I thought I'd put up some pictures of my Vimy Ridge visit.





I'll spare you the lecture, but we do take a lot for granted, and it's always good to think about those who risked and lost their lives doing things we thank God we don't have to do.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Vietnam

I decided that I would put some of my Vietnam photos online. You can find some stuff about my trip here.

If you want to go straight to the pictures, you can do that here.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Benny Hinn is a genius

God brought me to Benny Hinn yesterday morning, and he said some interesting things. First of all, he said that he needs $1.7 million every 5 days just to keep his ministry going "as it is". Of course, Benny takes a lot of that money and buys cars and houses and hookers, but what he's saying is he makes $1.7 million EVERY 5 DAYS!!! That's $340 000 EVERY DAY!! That's over $124 million in a year. What kind of ministry costs that much to operate?? A fucking crooked one, that's what kind.
He had some kooky pastor sidekick too, who suggested that the best amount to donate was $400 "because it's easy to multiply". Ummm, what? I have a number that's easier to multiply, it's $10, or better yet, $1. Or, the easiest number to multiply, ZERO. He also said that he loves to see people "cured" by Benny, and he loves to see the husband's faces when their wives jump out of their wheelchairs because "well, how long has it been since she cooked him a meal? Finally, she's up and about." What's the first thing Joe Redneck American says to his wife after she stands up out of her wheelchair? "My prayers have been answered!!! Make me a sandwich." (They all voted for Bush too...)

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Join Millions around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!!! (aired Sept. 11)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:39 – We learn that Jack is 57 years old. Chuck is also 57. Rexella shows a picture of Jack and Chuck on a bicycle built for two! Jack then says that they had to bike because they couldn’t afford to fly, so instead of the Wright Brothers, they were the Wrong Brothers! Ha! They’re not even brothers, so that’s just retarded. PLUS, the Wright brothers started out in the bicycle business. Christ Jack, do some research!

14:38 – Jack says the CIA says that China will attack the States with missiles and hydrogen bombs before 2015. Wow, sounds like a little preemptive bombing is in order. What better way to start off George W’s second term? Celebrate the victory by nuking the Chinese!! I personally love nuking Chinese. Nothing beats left-over beef and broccoli for breakfast. Mmmmm, nuked Chinese….

16:32 – Pestiliences!! Rexella says that 5000 people die each year of viruses in our hospitals. – Now, I haven’t done much research on this myself, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the number of people who actually die of viruses in hospitals is somewhat higher than 5000.

17:00 – We learn that Lenin had syphilis when he died. That crazy communist! Jack says, “He was nothing but a vile, old, dirty sinner.” I find this comment rather baffling. Lenin was responsible for the deaths of millions and millions of people, and all Jack is upset about is the fact that he had syphilis?? I wonder if Jack likes Stalin or not. I suppose as long as he didn’t have gonorrhea when he died, he’s ok in Jack’s book. Hitler was rumoured to have had an illicit relationship with his niece, so, I imagine that Jack doesn’t think too highly of Hitler.

21:32 – “Women are to adorn themselves in modest apparel.” First Timothy 2 verse 9. Jack says this while talking about Britney Spears. Yup, I just read it, it does say that. Verse 12 says that ‘it’s right for a woman … to be quiet.' Now THAT should definitely apply to Britney Spears, and Ashlee Simpson, and Hilary Duff, and any number of others. With the exception of Avril Lavigne though, she’s da bomb!

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Muse sucks.

Well, I saw Muse live last night, and it was loud. Too loud, like, ridiculous loud. So friggin' loud that my ear is STILL ringing. I should sue them.

The opening act, "Evening" sucked. Here's a question that sums up Evening,

Q - "What's worse than a band with a guy who thinks he can play piano but really can't?"

A - "A band with 2 guys who think they can play piano but really can't".

The second act was by far the best. They didn't say their name, but judging by their shirts they were called "Tech Support". "Tech Support" was by far the most pleasing act of the night. Maybe not the most talented, as they mainly just moved equipment around while other mainstream rock songs played on the speakers, but definitely the most pleasing to the ears. Plus, it could be argued that that's pretty innovative, and some would consider it groundbreaking.

Sunday, October 31, 2004

Back from 'Nam



This is just one of many pictures that some of you poor bastards are going to have to look through. Man, I pity you... Is there anything more boring than looking at someone else's pictures??

I was thinking that maybe I'd put the pictures on a separate site, but that might require some effort, so maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just post a few here.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

I've had it with this country! (not really)

Yup, it's true, I'm leaving for 2 whole weeks!! How you'll manage without Jack Van Impe reviews, I'll never know. Actually, if all goes according to plan, maybe I'll come back with a different set of priorities and my fascination with JVI will be history, for example, a wife who will love me longtime will bite into my free time...

If you want a postcard, let me know.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!!! (aired Sept. 4)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:10 – Jack loves labor day, and says we should be thankful for the work ethic in America. Thanks to the American work ethic, the court systems are bogged down with thousands of frivolous lawsuits, filed by morons who don’t want to work to earn their tvs, vacations and other hedonistic gadgets and toys that we all love so much. I personally think that Americans are pretty lazy, and want everything handed to them on a silver platter. But Jack is right to love labour day, after all, it’s a day off. Everyone loves labor day, except all the bums on welfare, because of course the liquor store is closed.

2:20 – Ooooh, a joke!! It’s about pastries. A woman says to God, “God, if you want me to have those pastries, you’ll get me a parking place right outside the bakery.” And guess what?? On the twelfth time around the block, God gave her that parking spot. Ha ha! I have a feeling that if God really wanted her to have that pastry, the parking spot would have been there the first time, but hey, God works in mysterious ways.

We then find out that Jack’s favourite breakfast is donuts. Rexella then shows a cartoon about “John the Baptist oatmeal”, which I honestly don’t get. Unless there are locusts in the oatmeal, but still, it’s not funny. AND, to make a long, dull, boring story longer, Jack then says that John the Baptist ate locusts and wild honey. WELL, (get ready, this is what all this has been leading up to) Jack says that he doesn’t want the locusts, but every morning he has Rexella, his wild honey. Now, I’m not sure what exactly Jack means by this, but I’m going to interpret it as him saying that he and Rexella have wild geriatric sex every morning before they get up to worship the good lord Jesus. (this part of the Jack Van Impe review has been brought to you by K-Y jelly, lots and lots of K-Y jelly.)

5:00 – Apparently we’re getting pretty complacent these days (with respect to our impending doom that is…). Jack says that we’re too busy laughing ourselves silly watching sitcoms to realize what’s going on. Well, maybe that’s true, I watched this one episode (you may have seen it) of Everybody Loves Raymond and Ray (he’s such a joker) did something stupid and inconsiderate and Deborah (get this!) got mad at him! Man, it was funny. THEN, Ray’s mother and father came over, and his dad said some mean things about the mom, who then said that Deborah couldn’t cook! Seriously, who can worry about the tribulation when Raymond is on??

13:30 – Everyone that loveth is born of God, he that loveth not, knoweth not God. So, since everything on tv is true (‘they’ wouldn’t lie to us, would they??) and since Everybody Loves Raymond, everybody is born of God. Woo hoo!! Take THAT Jesus!

24:00 – THE QUESTION OF THE WEEK!! Oh man, this is good! Well, some dork wants to know if a certain bible passage is referring to America, or Iraq. Well, the bible doesn’t specifically mention names, because, as Jack puts it, who knew that America would be called America?? Umm, hello?? God would know that. Duh. If God could predict the future with all this Revelations crap, then why wouldn’t he know that America would be called America?? Sigh...

Monday, October 11, 2004

Bad Drivers

Know what I hate?? When some dork with their head up their ass catches themselves doing something stupid like coasting through a stop sign without looking, and when they see you, they wave you through like they're doing you a favour by allowing you to keep driving when you have no stop sign, no yield, no nothing. Yeah, thanks a lot, dip-shit.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired August 21)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

00:05 – Ooooh, there was a secret conference to set up the final world government!! It’s so secret that Jack and Rexella know about it!

1:41 – John Kerry apparently has trouble controlling his wife Theresa. She told some people to go to hades! (which Jack explains is a polite word for hell. Thanks Jack.) It should probably be pointed out that wives aren't to be controlled, but I imagine that's a concept lost on Jack.

8:00 – It breaks Rexella’s heart when she sees the families who have lost loved ones in Iraq. Oh, that’s sweet. Oh wait, she’s just talking about Americans. Of course it doesn’t break her heart that some already poor Iraqis have lost their families as well. Why would it? "We" didn't do anything wrong, we're fighting the good fight.

10:30 – THIS IS PROBABLY THE MOST IMPORTANT CLARIFICATION THAT JACK HAS EVER OFFERED. PLEASE TAKE NOTE, YOUR LIFE WILL CHANGE.

1st Thessalonians 4:16-18 says “the dead in Christ shall rise first, then the living shall be caught up with the dead to meet the Lord in the air.” This does NOT mean that you will die, and THEN be taken up, you’ll be taken up while you’re still alive. So if you were concerned about that, ummm...don't be. Actually, when Jack says stuff like this it really makes me, well, sad, because obviously enough people were concerned about it that Jack felt he needed to 'ease their pain'. It's almost as sad as that woman who was upset because she didn't want some heathen taking care of her dog after she gets raptured away.

11:00 – Jack has a message for those who mock the rapture and the 1000 year reign of Christ. News flash Jack, they’re not watching your stupid show. It’s Sunday morning, they’re probably all hung over from a wild night of booze, sex and drugs. Or is that just me? Well, except for the booze, and drugs, and well, sex.

13:58 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! It’s some crap about the future of America. Ha, Rexella says something pretty telling about her family life. She says, “Get this video, get a couple, get one for your child, one for your husband.” I have an idea, why don’t you share it with your husband Rexella?? If you push the twin beds together you can even watch it on the same tv!!

20:00 – Lots of talk about ‘nukes’. This leads to the question, “Are there nuclear weapons in the bible”. Well, since they exist, there must be!!

Second Peter chapter 3 v 10-12 says, "But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night; in the which the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up." Well, I suppose tritium and deuterium are elements (well, isotopes, but whatever) so it's kind of true...

THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! Rexella says she really wants us to have it. Well, then give it to me. If you really wanted me to have it, you wouldn’t be charging me $30. Oooh, Jack says the bible says that there will be an attack on the United States from the North. Not bloody likely.

Monday, October 04, 2004

Unless you're Scott or Sean, you won't get this...

It's late and I can't think of anything, so I'll just post this frivolously. Ha...ha....ha....

Thursday, September 30, 2004

Say it ain't so, Youppie, say it ain't so...

After years and years of trying, Montreal has finally succeeded in driving out the Expos.

I don't even know how I feel about it, most of me doesn't care. Why would they stay when they get an embarassingly small crowd for every game? (except for cheap hotdog day, which is even sadder, because people will sit through a baseball game just because they can get some gross processed 'meat' on a bun for a buck.)

Olympic Stadium is a dump as well. I've never been more grossed out in a public washroom, unless you count that one port-o-let where the 'hoverer' missed entirely...

Even last night was sad. The final game ever, and they only got 31000, and they decided it would be a good idea to boo the American national anthem and throw golf balls onto the field. Montreal is like that bratty younger sibling who only wants to use something if you're using it. If they gave a rat's ass about the team, then it wouldn't be going anywhere. Why cry and boo when it's their own damn fault that the team is leaving?? I say let them go to Washington, hopefully their fans aren't all whiney, selfish morons who know what having a baseball team means.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Join Millions Across the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (Aired August 14)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella was thrilled to see the Olympics start (probably not so thrilled to see the letter from their lawyer, keep reading). Now, she talks about Barry Sanders being inducted into the Hall of Fame! Barry came to their table one day to meet them. He said he appreciated their weekly tv show! Who knew that Barry Sanders was a moron?? George W. Bush sent them a letter thanking them for their Animals in Heaven DVD, I guess we all knew HE was a moron.

9:57 – Rexella says that in order to prevent bad things from happening, specifically the government being destroyed by a small nuclear weapon (bad??), that we need to do everything we can by praying. Now, in my mind, doing nothing but praying is probably the least amount of effort that can actually be put forward in order to accomplish anything. It's probably the least effective way to get anything done as well.

10:00 – Rexella comments on the fact that she loves her country. Ahhhh, Jack then reads, “where the spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. And because this nation was founded on the word of God by great leaders from Europe to honour God I believe we have this liberty.” And we all know that they were doing God’s will when they wiped out the Indians. Of course God means OUR liberty, not THEIRS.

12:39 – Ha! Rexella says that they are not Doomsday prophets, they’re "just reading the headlines"! Well, technically that’s true Rexella, but you’re also putting a doomsday spin on all of them. I think by interpreting every headline to mean that the world is coming to an end probably does indeed qualify you as being a doomsday prophet…you moron.

23:30 – THE QUESTION OF THE WEEK!! The Incan calendar stops on December 25, 2012. What does this mean? Whoa. This is good. Ok, according to Matthew 1:17, there were 42 generations between Abraham and Jesus Christ. This covers a period of 2,160 years. Divide the 2,160 by 42 and it comes to 51.5 years for a generation.

Matthew 24:32-35 tells us that the generation that sees Jerusalem captured by the Jewish people will also witness the Return of our Lord.

Israel is the fig tree, and when Israel captured Jerusalem in June 1967, we believe this started the countdown. You add 51.5 to June 1967, and it comes out to 2,019.

Well, 2019 doesn’t equal 2012, but wait, let me finish! If you subtract the 7 years of tribulation, you get 2012. Now, to me, this is pretty convincing evidence. If you can look past the fact that Jack totally fudged the numbers to get the number he wanted. Regardless, I recommend that you keep December 25, 2012 open, because what in any other year is just another day where you don’t think twice about God or Jesus, in 2012 it’s pretty significant from a religious standpoint.

26:00 – Ha, do you know why the Olympic offer of the week only lasted 2 weeks? Because the lawyers for the Olympics made them stop selling it. I guess Jack’s lawyers weren’t exactly doing their jobs when they okayed that DVD. Rexella then gets excited because at least that means that the Olympic people are watching their show!

27:46 – Whoa, the stupidest thing that Rexella has ever said.
“Sometimes we’re tempted to do something that’s wrong, to do something that’s right. But, It’s never right to do wrong, even to do right.”
I guess that means that it’s never right to wipe out a country because you don’t like the way they operate and you want their oil. Or, it’s never right to wipe out the poor Indians because you want their land for your own hedonistic gluttonous lifestyle. But Jack and Rexella love their country oh so much, and they love George W. too, so the fact that they say that pisses me off because they’re so goddamn stupid.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Ha! Take that old man!

There were 3 world records set today at the Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront Marathon.

73-year old Ed Whitlock breaks his own 2003 marathon world record for age 70+ by nearly 5 minutes, clocking an amazing 2:54:48. Fauja Singh, 93, clocks 2:30:02 for the half marathon to set another world record for 90+. Michal Kapral gets into the Guinness Book of World Records for "Pram-Pushers", wheeling 20-month-old daughter through full marathon in 2:49:43.

Let's talk about Fauja Singh for a minute. He ran a half-marathon, that's 21.1 km, lots of hard work, many hours of training, a feat not many people half his age, or even a quarter of his age can do, and why am I harping on it you ask?? Well, because I KICKED HIS ASS!! Booyah!

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Can't get enough of that wonderful Duff...

Hilary Duff shouldn't be rich. Why can't I get paid millions of dollars to be bad at something?? Seriously. Make me an offer people, I'm a whore, I'll admit it. I want some of that money that so many of you are so quick to throw away!!!

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired August 7)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:50 – Uh oh, I sense a joke coming on! Damn! It’s funny. A woman captures 2 burglars so the police come and say unto them, "why didn’t you run away??" Well they said, when the woman came out she yelled, “Repent Acts 2:38!” So they were afraid because they thought she had an axe and two 38s. Rexella then feels the need to point out that Acts 2:38 is from the bible. Thanks Rexella, I didn’t get it until you pointed that out…

2:00 – Jack says that Jesus approves of carrying a gun because Luke 22:36 says, “and he that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one.” Oh, but Jack, you should have kept reading, for Luke 22:38 says, “And they said, Lord, here are two swords. And He said, it is enough.” Of course, “they” refers to the 12 disciples, so really, what Jesus is saying is that for every 13 people, 2 swords is enough, so according to Jesus (I’m not making this up, people) it is acceptable to have 2/13 guns. If you’re caught with a gun, unless you can produce 6.5 other people who don’t have one, you’re screwed buddy.

8:22 – Rexella says “God hates race hate”. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s intolerance.

10:00 – Jack says that AIDS will bring the world to its knees. Well, I guess Jack didn’t read THIS.

12:01 – Jack is spewing some garbage about asteroids hitting the earth and the sun being blocked out, and “the moon shall not give her light” (Matthew 24:29). HA! The moon doesn’t give any light. It’s just reflected from the sun! That means the moon never gave any light to begin with! That’s quite a sign Jack. Plus, the moon will still reflect light after an asteroid hits the earth, we just won’t be able to see it. Moron. Jack then says that he wishes he could get into the whys and wherefores, but he’ll just leave it at that. He wishes he could get into it, but unfortunately they don’t teach anything about physics in “bible prophesy 1A6” (I would have put 1A3, but I imagine there’s enough material for a 6 unit course.)

16:00 – Headlines!! “Why is America still an easy target?” Probably because they’re all so fat.

20:00 – “They” are using microchips to ID people. It’s happening in Mexico! Well, as we all know, Mexico is a hot-bed in terms of the development of new technology. I’m sure it’s just a way for the States to keep them out.

25:00 – Hey, the apostle Paul went to the Olympics! I wonder if Jesus ever went… He’d do well in the swimming events, because of course he could just walk (or run) on the water. And I’m sure he’d score well in Men’s Individual Crucifixion.

“The judge from Jerusalem gives Jesus a 10 for technical merit, and 9.85 for artistic impression. Arms straight, toes pointed!! Well done Jesus!”

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Heeey Tigah...

I watched a couple minutes of "Siegfried & Roy: The Miracle" tonight. I suppose Roy's determination and drive is admirable, but he said something to the effect of "God wants me to get better", or something equally pious. Anyways, stupid statements like this annoy me. Why would God let a tiger chew on poor Roy, only to make him struggle to walk and regain control over his body again? Is it possible that God is some horribly cruel jerk who chose Roy to illustrate his crazy sadistic tendencies?? If that's the case, then I like His style... If God really wanted Roy to be healthy and to be 'normal', then that tiger would have just given Roy some nice little kitty kisses, instead of puncturing his ascending cervical artery, or whichever artery was punctured.

As a side note, every day I thank the good Lord for protecting ME from the tigers. 27 years and no tiger attacks. What a saviour we have!!

Monday, September 13, 2004

Gmail...

I have 6 Gmail invitations. Does anyone want these? All the cool kids are doing it...

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Phew!

Well, as I crept out of my concrete encased bomb shelter this morning I was relieved to see that the world has survived yet another September 11th without incident. I guess that's probably part of 'their' master plan. They'll probably surprise us on the 12th or 13th, those sneaky bastards. I guess the moral of the story is, regardless of how much time passes, YOU'RE STILL NOT SAFE!! Watch out, 'they' are coming to get you!

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Join Millions around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 31)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella watched the Democratic Convention for the fashion. Well, she seems to be pretty fashionable herself, with a jacket that could only have come from the Salvation Army. Now she’s commenting on the different hair styles. Now Jack points out that Kerry and Edwards have nothing on Jack and Chuck’s hair. Damn, they’re stylin’!!

3:10 – Rexella comments on the fact that some people send letters thanking them for the humour at the beginning of the show. They like to start off light because of the seriousness of the show. Seriousness of the show?! THAT is funny!!

5:47 – Rexella wonders if we can have peace in a troubled world?? I think she means peace of mind, because the gibberish that follows all points to the fact that there is no reason to think that the world should be troubled. "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me". Anyone who feels troubled obviously isn't reading their bible! God is with you, you have no reason to feel troubled. Pay the hydro bill? Nonsense, God will look after that. And when the hydro company calls you asking about the payment, just say, “It’s ok, God is taking care of it, don’t worry.” Then when you’re sitting around in the dark, you can thank God for taking such good care of you. It's all part of His plan, just keep sitting there in the dark. God'll pay the gas and water bills too. Don't worry.

8:41 – Ooooh, a profound headline!! “9/11 panel finds deep failings in security”. No shit. I could have told you that, and I wouldn’t have needed help from a panel.

9:00 – Bin Laden’s goal is to kill 4 million Americans. Well, it’s good to set lofty goals, I’d say.

9:10 – Lots of fear mongering here. Lots of headlines saying “YOU ARE NOT SAFE!!” Jack says that indeed, we are not safe. Again, I don’t really get this. Just a second ago Jack said that when Jesus comes the dead will first be taken up to be with him, then the living will be swept up in the twinkling of an eye!! My question is, if, dead or alive, you’re going to meet Jesus (any day now, if Jack’s not mistaken) then who cares what happens?? Does it really matter if Bin Laden kills 4 million Americans? No, of course not. Dead or alive, you’re going to be taken up with Jesus!! The heathens who aren’t raptured away are going to face 7 years of tribulation, which, if I’ve learned anything from this show, is probably worse than some kooky Saudi making idle threats about killing Americans.

12:00 – Jack explains that he’s God’s instrument whose purpose is to warn us of the impending doom. Jack just admits that he’s been warning people for 50 years, and 50 years have gone by, and, unless I’m mistaken, Jesus didn’t make no visit on a cloud.

13:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! It’s about the Olympics. I’m just going out on a limb here, but I can’t imagine that Jack likes the Olympics (or at least he shouldn’t). Oh wait, he does. Hmmm, it seems to be paralleling the Olympics with life, and that you should live life with integrity and that awards await the faithful. Just like the Olympics, drug users never really win, and I suppose that Christians who don’t live ‘correctly’ will not win in the end either. Of course, God forgives us in the end, so screw ‘em all.

16:29 – More spreading of fear.

25:00 – Jack concludes that there will be a nuclear war because “fire, smoke and brimstone” are mentioned in Revelations and they are the "exact results of a nuclear war." What about the neutrons Jack? What about the neutrons? God surely knew what he used to build his humans, and what would come flying out when you fuse tritium and deuterium. Why wouldn’t the bible say something to the effect of “And neutrons will be spewed forth at a furious rate, and all that heat will burn the hell out of you.”

25:41 – Rexella says, “we can all be winners, if we run the race right”. Well, that’s not true. That’s loser talk. There is only one winner, if everyone won, it wouldn’t be much of a race, now would it?? Second place is the first loser, end of story.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Here's a riddle...

What do you get when you cross a slack-jawed, possibly high-school educated, red neck with a complicated piece of machinery that requires rigorous quality assurance to ensure public safety?? Give up?? You get the very reason that I wouldn't ever go on a ride at the CNE if you paid me.

"We can't speculate on what happened because everything happened so fast,'' Alfie Philips, the president of Conklin Shows.

That's a pretty stupid statement. You can always speculate, for example, someone with an IQ of 75 was trying to determine whether a nut should be tight or loose, then they saw a squirrel and then their hunger kicked in and they chased it. When they came back, they'd forgotten about that nut, and moved on to much more important issues, like what goes good with squirrel. Mmmmm, squirrel...

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Hey Buddy, Spare some change??



While wandering around downtown today, I was reminded that I don't know how I feel about homeless people. Are they crazy because they're homeless? Or are they homeless because they're crazy? Do I not give them money because they're just going to spend it on booze and smokes? Or do I give them money to spend on booze and smokes because it will make their already miserable lives that much more tolerable? I'm leaning towards the second option lately. Who am I to tell them how to spend their money? I have too much, they have none, by ignoring them, am I really doing anyone a service?? I say, give the bum some change, especially if they can do an amusing trick, or have a clever sign.

Friday, September 03, 2004

I was wondering...

Does wanting any number of things on this page make me a big nerd?? I think it probably does, I just wanted a second opinion.

Sunday, August 29, 2004

And you thought Canadian Idol was bad...

Yes, that's right, it's Arab Idol!!.

The two finalists were a Palestinian, Ammar Hassan, and a Libyan, Ayman al-A'tar. In a gripping final, that I imagine could only be made better by a lack-luster robotic commentary by Ben Mulroney, the people voted and Ayman al-A'tar won with a whopping 54% of the vote. Ammar Hassan may have suffered from his song choices, "Hey, I Can't Terrorize with that Wall There" and the chart topping power ballad, "I'm in Love with a Girl on the Bus, too Bad I'm Going to Blow Her Up".

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

D'oh Canada...

And she didn't even take out the American.

Monday, August 23, 2004

Judge not, lest ye be judged.

All events where judging is required to determine a winner should be removed from the Olympics. There is always controversy. Ok, maybe that's too extreme, maybe there should be about 20 judges who all score an event, and then 5 or 6 are randomly chosen to count. Judges from the country of the athlete who is being judged will not be considered. Or, better yet, if there is a Canadian competing, there will be no Canadian judge at all. My sister had some good ideas too.

With respect to drugs, I say, if an American gets caught using drugs, then every American in the games is booted out. I'm all for punishing the entire country for one moron's poor judgement. Do you think people would still take drugs if they knew that the whole country would lose their medals if they got caught? I'm sure some would, but the country who produces that idiot deserves what they'd get. There's a ton of drug use still going on. The current methods of deterring it don't seem to be working.

While I'm ranting about the Olympics, the medal total should be divided by the total number of athletes that that country has competing, or by the total population of the country, or maybe by the budget that the country spends on their Olympic program. It would make the totals more meaningful. For example, if the States won 60 medals, and they had 300 athletes there, they'd get a score of 0.20. If Canada won 10 medals, but only had 50 athletes, we'd tie the States with a score of 0.20. I'm not looking at the actual numbers, so if this method still makes the States #1, I'll have to think of something else...

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 24)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

5:14 – “A day with the Lord is as a thousand years, and a thousand years is as a day.” So, because God created the world in 6 days, and rested on the 7th day, the world will go on for 6000 years and then when the 7th day starts, the next 1000 years will be the 1000 days that Christ will spend here after he returns! Guess what?? We just started the 7000th year!! He’s coming soon!! This also means that the earth is only 6000 years old, which, as most people know, isn’t true.

17:00 – Science is truly amazing in so many areas says Rexella! Car goes 330 mph. Car runs on vegetable oil. 1.4 billion dollar spacecraft is heading towards Saturn. Hubble telescope spots planets. Wheelchair that runs on thought (I wish I could walk, I wish I could walk, hey, I’m moving!! – NOTE: I almost didn’t keep that in, is that too insensitive??).

“Smart pills make headway”, Rexella says that she could use some of those! No kidding. I’d love to see Jack’s show after he took some smart pills. “Jesus on a cloud?? Man, this book is whacked!!”

18:40 – We are told by the specialists who study space (I think they’re called astronomers, Jack) that there are 50 billion worlds out there. Jack then says that that isn’t hard for him to believe because the bible says Christ created the worlds PLURAL. This is pretty funny, because the same scientists who tell you about the planets will tell you that the earth is more than 6000 years old. Moron.

Math made easy by Jack!! The human brain has 100 billion cells and 50 000 connectors. For a total of 1000 million million connections (or 1 gajillion to the lay person) What does this mean? Take a dense forest that is one million square miles, take all the leaves from all the trees, and you have an idea of how many connectors are in a human’s brain. No you don’t. Saying there are 1000 million million leaves is just as hard to picture as saying there are 1000 million million connections in your brain. Jack, your kooky explanation didn’t help at all. Why not say, if you stacked a gajillion bibles on top of each other and took them to the sun, you’d be better off, as there wouldn’t be any bibles around here anymore.

24:00 – Jack’s prayer. Save me Jack! Save me!!

25:00 – The QUESTION OF THE WEEK!! Oh, it’s a good one. When a young man of someone’s church gets married, his friends take him to a strip club where he gets drunk. Of course, Christians don’t belong in strip clubs, so alternate ‘clean’ and ‘fun’ (read “boring”) activities are suggested. Everyone goes to strip clubs for bachelor parties, AND, if Jesus is omnipresent, then he’s ALWAYS at a strip club, actually, he’s always at EVERY strip club. Man, what a pervert. That's probably why he's always asking God for change...

Jesus - "Hey Dad, can I have 4 fives for a twenty?"

God - "What's with you and the five dollar bills?? And why do you smell funny??

26:20 – Well, Jack says all can be forgiven. That’s good news. I’ll beg for forgiveness in about 60 years. Why waste good years by begging for forgiveness now?? I pity the chump who doesn’t figure that one out.

28:00 – You’re headed in the right direction when you walk with God. Sure, whatever.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

It's Coming Right at Me!!!

Look at that bear. Isn't nature beautiful?? It's so beautiful that I'd like to take it home with me and mount it on my wall as a constant reminder of how beautiful nature can be.

Hunters who hunt for fun are pansies. If you're a hunter, then I apologize (not really, you pansy) but shooting a defenseless animal that doesn't even know you're there is just weak. Everyone knows that humans are the dominant species on the planet, the fact that you have a high-powered rifle, and that you drove your 4x4 Explorer to the hunt should tell you that. Why not use your big brain and opposable thumbs for something a little more constructive than shooting animals? You'd better eat every last piece of that bear, and make a coat out of the fur or else I hope the bear gets you. Which leads me to this - if some stupid hunter manages to get himself attacked (or god forbid killed) by a bear, our first reaction is to go find and kill the bear. Why? I say, give that bear a medal. Give the bear a life-long exemption from being hunted. That bear is a hero. If you intrude on an animal's territory, and you manage to get yourself attacked, then you deserve it. You can't fault a bear for being a bear, and your big brain should have told you that there are risks involved in hunting big strong animals. Don't kill the bears for being bears. It's not fair.

Saturday, August 14, 2004

It's not my fault, it's the media.

A few posts back in the comments section, the importance of eyebrows came up. I'll admit, I like to see a nicely shaped eyebrow. Lisa then likened unmaintained eyebrows to unshaven armpits, and I guess it wouldn't be much of a stretch to add unshaven legs to that as well. Now, the point of all this was, it's true. Hairy legs and especially hairy armpits on a woman are terribly unattractive. There is some leeway for the eyebrows though. Anyways, why is that? Is it evolutionarily favourable for women to have no armpit hair or leg hair?? Of course not, if that were the case, women wouldn't have to shave their legs and armpits. Natural selection would have weeded out the hairy women and women would have evolved so that leg hair and armpit hair just didn't grow. I personally think it's because we (as males) see women on tv, in movies, and in magazines who we are told are attractive and of course, they're all sans hair (and skinny too). We then adopt this notion of what is considered attractive, and it sticks.
This article states that it all started back in the early 1900s with ads for sleeveless dresses, but it also indicates that women have always been fussy about their hair (or men have been fussy about women's hair), it just wasn't until 1915 that women's clothing started uncovering the armpits. I guess by the time a guy got to the point of seeing a woman's armpits back then, he wasn't really so concerned about how hairy she was.
I guess, me personally, look at whether or not a woman shaves her legs/armpits/eyebrows as an indication of how well she takes care of herself. A woman who tries to look 'good' is more physically attractive than a woman who just lets everything go 'wild' and says, "it shouldn't matter". In a perfect world, maybe it shouldn't matter, but it does. Blame it on the media, but clean shaven, 'well maintained' women are hot.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 17)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 - Rexella’s father taught them to be very patriotic. In case you missed a few weeks back, Rexella performed a moving rendition of God Bless America, which, as I recall, almost made me move my lunch back out onto the keyboard. Rexella has great admiration for the armed forces. Two army friends of the Van Impes are said to be “two of the most intelligent people Jack knows”. Not intelligent enough to stay out of the army though…

5:00 – Sun Myung Moon said that he was ‘the Saviour’ and ‘the Messiah’ when he was crowned in Washington. Well, that’s just crazy!! Jack lists a bunch of passages that say that the saviour’s name will be Jesus, not some Korean dude. What a nut!!! As a side note, in a 1997 sermon, Sun Myung Moon likened homosexuals to "dirty dung-eating dogs”, which is really uncalled for, as simply “dung-eating dogs” would have gotten the point across.

9:17 – Is Al Qaeda winning the war?? The terrorism will never end. It’s a world wide problem because the bible says it is. Don’t worry about it though, it’s all part of Jesus’ plan. It’s all documented in the bible people.

14:00 - The OFFER OF THE WEEK!! They’ve had to make an emergency order because they ran out. I guess 2 people ordered it.

16:36 – Rexella wishes that they could just have good news for us (as she just read a bunch of headlines about war and killing). Huh? This whole show is about how Jesus is coming. All the wars, all the killing, all the disease, they’re all SIGNS!! Signs pointing toward the coming of Jesus! If that’s not good news, then I don’t know what is. Jack is a little inconsistent sometimes. You’d think that someone with as many PhDs as Jack has wouldn’t be such a moron.

27:20 – The OFFER OF THE WEEK!! What impressed Jack most about that movie? Well, Jack says it doesn’t matter, because if you’re born again, you’ll be whisked away before all this tribulation crap happens. All the more reason to buy this tape people!!

28:00 – Rexella says, "The best reason for doing right today, is tomorrow." Huh? That doesn’t make sense. I say, tomorrow is a good reason for doing wrong today, because who knows what’ll happen tomorrow?? Maybe if you don’t get the sinning out of your system today, you’ll get hit by a bus tomorrow and then you’ll have missed out on all the fun.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Beat This Caption!!!

Well, I've returned to the wonderful world of Maxim's Beat this Caption!! AND, I finally got one of my books from winning! I notice they've changed the prize now too. Now it's an Xbox game. Pretty useless seeing as I don't have an Xbox, but if I win, they'd better damn well send it to me!
Hmmm, the one on the right kind of looks like George W...

With lower tolerance for performance enhancing drugs in the Olympics, you get less doping, but more dopes.

Let's make with the captions people!!








Saturday, August 07, 2004

I hate cell phones

I was going to write this right after Wimbledon, but I couldn't find a picture of Sharapova with that friggin' phone. That cell phone incident was disgraceful. You take a major tennis tournament, full of prestige and tradition, and you hold it up to try to call someone on a cell phone? Is there any situation that a cell phone can't ruin??

I hate cell phones. If you ever see me carrying one around for social purposes, I hereby give you permission to smack me. Everyone has one now. You can't go anywhere without seeing someone (or hearing someone) yapping on the phone. My question is this: Why do you need to be chatting with someone while you're at the grocery store? Why do you need to be chatting with someone while you're driving? The driving really pisses me off. Every time I see someone going 80 km/h in the fast lane, or drifting into my lane on the highway, they are invariably talking on a cell phone. Emergency purposes are the only reason I can think of for a cell phone to be in a car.

Are you really that important that you need to be contactable ALL THE TIME?? (The answer is 'no', you self centred pompous ass) Plus, what about being contactable ALL THE TIME is appealing? I know if I'm busy, then I'm busy, and if you want to get in touch with me, you call my house and leave a message. There is no reason I can think of where I would need to be immediately contactable.

Cell phones might just be the rudest invention I can think of. There is nothing more insulting than someone who takes a cell phone call while they're out with you. "I'm sorry, this call is more important than you, so I'm going to ditch you to talk into this little piece of crap." If you're thinking about taking that call, you might just as well hang a sign around your neck that says, "I'm a rude, inconsiderate dip-shit" because answering that call is equivalent to that sign.

**UPDATE**

Call waiting is another 'convenience' that is horribly abused. I think I hate call waiting as well. Any 'call waiting call' that takes longer than, "I'm on the other line, can I take a message?" is RUDE. End one call before you start another, and if it's not for you, then the person it's for CAN CALL BACK.

Monday, August 02, 2004

The Village

Well, before I start, I'd like to say that the butler did it. It's pretty obvious when you think about it...

Anyways, I think this movie is best summed up by some dude who was sitting behind us in the theatre:

"This movie is so gay."

(Keep in mind, that's from some teenage dude at the movie theatre. I wouldn't necessarily describe a heaping pile of crap as being gay.) I'm tired of M. Night Shyamalan's slow moving, 'thrillers' with bad acting and terrible writing that rely on an interesting twist at the end to make the movie half-way decent. I think Mr. Shyamalan should come up with the idea, then let a competent person write the script. Seriously, people were laughing at parts that were supposed to be serious, which, some people find annoying, but I couldn't help it, it was so dumb. He should have stopped at The Sixth Sense. His 'trademark endings' are growing a little weak too, especially because we all know it's coming, and we spend the whole movie trying to figure it out. I will admit though, that this movie has one of the freakiest scenes I've ever seen in a movie...followed, of course, by a stupid one, just to even it out.

On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the best, 1 being Van Helsing, I give The Village a whopping 3, just because that one scene almost made me scream like a little girl.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

A Priest and a nun were in a car....

A priest and a nun were in a car...(I'm trying desperately to think of a joke, but I can't..)

Anyways,

A court in the capital Lilongwe handed down suspended jail sentences of six months with hard labour after the pair pleaded guilty to charges of idleness and disorderly conduct. The priest was reported as saying, "What's the problem??  I asked what kind of sex I could have, and I was told "Nun". 

Officials in the Roman Catholic Church, whose priests are barred from sex or marriage, declined to comment, but were secretly ecstatic because it wasn't an 8 year old boy.

Amen to that, brother.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 10)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 - Rexella receives a PhD in journalism!  Dr. Rexella Van Impe!!  Whoa, Jack receives his 15th degree in prophetical studies!!  Huh?  While they’re making up degrees, I think I should get a PhD in sitting on my ass.  Or maybe one in "making fun of prophetical studies".  Dr. Paul…I like the sound of that.

3:45 – The Jack Van Impe Prophesy bible!!  It’s an electronic organizer!  I need one of these.  The whole bible, Jack’s prophesy bible, the book of Revelations verse by verse, his 365 days of soul food for daily devotionals, his A-Z of Prophesy, his scripture memory program and 10385 bible verses that are coded are all in this little organizer.  Jack says he can’t believe that they contacted him and wanted to put all that into this bible.  That makes two of us, Jack. 

4:44 – It seems like people are eating out more and more.  Rexella says, “Whether it be Wendy’s or McDonalds, it’s always wonderful!”  Wow, what a sophisticated palate she has!

5:00 - Our bodies are the temples of God.  Keep ‘em clean for God.  Rexella's interpretation of that is eating at McDonalds and Wendy's.  I suppose having explosive diarrhea could possibly cleanse the body...  Do smokers go to heaven?  Yup, just sooner!  (Ha, that’s actually pretty funny.)

7:30 - Terry Nichols killed 161 people in the Oklahoma City bombing.  They’re letting him go because he became a Christian and they don’t believe in capital punishment.  This man deserves to die!  Exodus 20:13 says thou shalt not kill.  But wait a minute though, turn the page!!….  “He that smites a man so that he dies should be put to death.”  Well, that settles it.  Kill Terry Nichols too, and we'll kill the man who smote Terry Nichols, and then the guy who killed him, etc. etc.

9:40 – Lots of talk about AIDS.  I know where this is going.  Pestilences through the beasts of the field.  Jack comments on some dude who has AIDS and had sex with 200 women!  Man, I feel like crap.  A dude with AIDS gets more action than I do.

12:00 - OFFER OF THE WEEK – Skip ahead.  This sucks.

13:00 – Uh oh, something that breaks Rexella’s heart.  Oh, it’s about abusing children.  That is tragic.  Is this a sign?  Jesus said that he who violates a child should have a millstone tied to them and then to be thrown in the ocean.  Not a sign, but a good idea.

20:50 – No murderers have eternal life abiding in them!  Unless it’s murder under the guise of capital punishment, because, as we said before, God's all for that.

23:17 – Rexella says we can disagree without being disagreeable.  Maybe, but what fun is that?

28:00 – People who follow God, lead others in the right direction.  Yeah, the opposite direction.

Monday, July 26, 2004

Mini-Poll!!

Check out the mini-poll on the right.  I imagine I'll get tired of this pretty quickly...

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Serenity Now 2

Well, this rant is a day late, but in a span of about 10 minutes yesterday, 3 things really made me shake my head.  The first one was an article in the Toronto Sun about some sick fuck who assaulted, tortured and killed his wife, while their 2 children watched.  The story had to do with nailing various parts of her body to things and then pouring boiling water on her.  My question is this.  WHY IS THAT WORTHY OF PUTTING IN A NEWSPAPER?  Whoever approved that article for publication should be ashamed of themselves. 

If not publishing that is censorship, then some things should be censored. 

Plus, we know there are sick people out there and we know they occasionally kill each other.  It was in South America too, so it's not like it's warning people in the GTA.  Don't publish crap like that.  If anyone can give me a reason that that article should be in the paper, please do.  And don't say, "I like to read about stuff like that".  It's sick, disgusting, and society as a whole would be better off not having to read about crap like that.  Ask yourself this, why didn't they just write, "Man kills wife" and then leave out the details? 

The second thing was something along the lines of this.  Not exactly, because it wasn't a rabbit, it was a fake rock with some stupid writing on it that you're supposed to keep a key in.  My question is this:  Why not just leave the key in the lock?  A funny looking rock with writing on it?  Please, if I'm ever on someone's porch and I see such a rock (or bunny), I'm going back later to open their door, and put a little note somewhere in their house saying, "You deserve to have your stuff stolen, you moron."

And finally, I was buying some gum in a variety store, and while paying, my ticket stub for the Empire State Building tour I went on fell out.  The one dude behind the counter knew what it was, and we talked briefly about the subways in a certain city.  The other dude (about 18 years old) said, "Where is this?" 



Am I wrong in assuming you should know where the Empire State Building is?

Monday, July 19, 2004

Pets, yet again...

Well, the topic of the week seems to be pets, so here's another article.  For $1000/year, you can bury your pet in a pet cemetery.  (The article mentions Hong Kong, but I imagine there are pet cemeteries here)
 
I don't get it.  Am I that cold-hearted?  (Is there a by-law against burying the cat in the backyard??  If not, that's where they're going.)

The price also includes grooming of the dead pet, a coffin and a personalised tombstone, the report added.
 
Grooming the dead pet??  Why?  Because it's an open casket??  A coffin??  How much extra is a shoebox anyways??  I just bought shoes, if you want a kitty coffin, I'll sell you one (it's a Nike, a big name in kitty coffins).  If the dog is bigger, I suppose you could use a bigger box, maybe for a tv, or stereo (I hear the JVC line of doggy coffins is decent), or maybe an old blanket!!  Regardless, I have pet coffins of all sizes!!  Personalized tombstone?? 
 
"RIP little Sparky.  With the money you spent on this tombstone, you could have replaced him 10 times over"

"We are bringing pet owners a peaceful and garden-like environment where they can visit their pets at a serene resting place," cemetery director Gabriel Ho said.
 
Who visits a dead pet??  Visit the pet store, or humane society!  Get another freakin' pet!  I have an idea, bury the dog in the backyard, then you can visit him all the time for free!! 

Ho's animal-psychic sister Elaine will also be on hand so owners can keep in touch with their pets beyond the grave, the report added.
 
Right.  That'll speed up the healing process.  Plus, it's the dude's sister.
 
I've never mentioned this before, but I'm an animal psychic as well.  If you have recently deceased pets, let me know, and I'll contact them for you.
 
Paul (the animal psychic) : I see a cat.
 
Sad Mourner : Fido turned into a cat??
 
Paul : ...And right beside that cat is Fido!  Fido is humping someone's leg, peeing on the floor because nobody let him out, and barking for no reason.  Now he's begging for food, and wiping his ass on the carpet!
 
Sad Mourner : That's amazing!  You really do see Fido!  How is he??
 
Paul : HE'S DEAD YOU IDIOT.  That'll be $100 please.
 
:-)

Sunday, July 18, 2004

Join Millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 3)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.
 
1:00 - Oh, as we all know, Jack has been on a diet!!  Well, I didn’t know that, and I watch this crap every week.  I feel a little insulted actually.
 
2:50 - Jack has been to McDonalds (nice diet, Jack).  They offer a salad, water and pedometer (pronounced PEE-dometer) for walking.  Jack was proud of his weight for a long time because “The liberal soul shall be made fat” says Proverbs.  But, Rexella’s father then said unto him, some other verse that says, “Put a knife to thy throat if thou be a man given to appetite.”  So Jack immediately started dieting.  Then Rexella’s father quoted the bible passage that said, “If thou layest a hand on my daughter, I shall have to kick your bible thumping ass, mother fucker!” 
 
5:45 - One day we’re going to learn that Bush was right about the weapons of mass destruction.  Iraq moved all the weapons before the invasion.  Of course they did.  Just like everyone else will move them just before we don’t find any. 
 
President Bush - "We didn't find any weapons of mass destruction on that brand new golf course down the street, I checked myself.  Those crafty Iraqis moved them again!!!  They're always one step ahead!!"
 
9:00 - Keep your eyes fixed on heaven, because Jesus might be coming!!  I think that means you should walk around staring into they sky, because you don’t want to miss something like Jesus on a cloud.  Actually, if you walk around staring into the sky I imagine you’ll be paying Jesus a visit sooner than you think.
 
10:15 - Rexella says that there are one million prisoners in American prisons, but it is expected to increase to 6 million by 2015.  Rexella wonders if we’re building these prisons for illegal aliens.  I don’t think so, Rexella.  I imagine you’ll just deport the illegal aliens.  The prisons will probably be for those shifty legal foreigners.
 
13:00 - Good news!!  We’re the only generation who will get to heaven without dying!!  How exciting!!  Actually, it’s crap.  I don’t want to go yet,  I have some sinning yet to do!!  As great as heaven sounds, I doubt Jesus lets you have any fun.  
 
Jesus - "Let's play Pictionary!!"
 
Everyone else - "Pictionary is no fun, you can't draw, and there's only one clue.  How many different ways can you draw love anyways??"
 
14:00 - THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!!  Six!  The Mark Unleashed.  It’s full of suspense, it’s kind of like a science fiction story, except filled with truth!!  Man, I couldn’t have written that better myself.  “like a science fiction story, but filled with truth”.  So it’s kind of nothing like science fiction…
 
23:00 - So much gibberish here.  Ok, some passage says something to the effect of, “Come up hither” and then we’re brought up (to heaven) in the twinkling of an eye.  GE has measured the twinkle of a man’s eye at 0.11 seconds!!  (How or why they did this is beyond me)  Anyways, it’s 187 trillion billion miles to the 3rd heaven, so we’re transported 187 trillion billion miles in 0.11 seconds.  Sorry Jack, the Special Theory of Relativity says that can’t happen.  Not even Jesus himself can break the laws of physics!! 
 
28:00 - If you can’t hear God speaking, perhaps you should turn up the volume control, ON YOUR CONSCIENCE!
 
32:00 – Channel 4 news!  It seems like someone forgot to stop the VCR.  (I hope there’s softcore porn on after the news, please have softcore porn after the news…)
 
59:00 – Oooh, Albertson’s has Pepsi on, 2 twelve packs for $5.  That’s a pretty good price.  Watermelon for $1.97, you can’t beat that.
 
1:33:00 – The Tonight Show!!  I just thought of a riddle.  What’s the difference between Jack Van Impe and Jay Leno??  One is a dopey looking grey-haired guy with his own tv show who rarely gets a laugh, and the other is Jack Van Impe!!


Thursday, July 15, 2004

Ooooh, a request!

So, I don't think I'll make a habit of taking requests, but we'll see how this goes. "Hey Paul, why don't you write about cats and dogs??" Ok. Fine (clears throat).

Cats are better than dogs. You might ask, "Why?" Well, I'll tell you. Dogs are stupid. You can train a dog to chase a stick, and then throw that stick into traffic, and the dog will chase it. What's up with that?? Now, before you say, "But you can't even train a cat!". Well, that's true, but you're assuming that trainability is a good thing. It's not. It's an indication of a feeble mind that can be manipulated. Cats do what they want, when they want, and they don't really care if you're around. That's my kind of pet.
 
Egyptians thought cats were godly, and they mummified them along with their kings. What did the Egyptians do with dogs?? We don't know, because if you can build a huge pyramid out of massive rocks, you don't waste your time on a dog. Another solid point, tigers are bigger and stronger than (hmmm, I'm trying to think of a tiger-equivalent dog) dingos. Tigers run around the jungle killing and eating big animals, while dingos run around Australia eating people's babies. What kind of a sick animal eats a baby??
 
Now, before you attack my argument, I took critical thinking, and I know it's concrete. And, I also know that Egyptians mummified dogs as well, and they also used them for hunting (I can look it up on Google as easily as you can). Regardless, training a feeble-minded animal to serve humans makes it useful, but still stupid.
 
I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with dogs, I was just catering to a request to write about them.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

I WON AGAIN!!!

Bastards owe me 2 books now!!!!

Jack has company in the nut-house!!

Well, what's sadder than being Jack Van Impe?? Well, being someone who wishes he were Jack Van Impe!!! Check out this "Load of Crap". I especially find this amusing. Now, if I were Jack, I'd sue this poor bastard's ass!! He's charging $8.00 for a booklet, that, I imagine he wrote after watching Jack's "Animals in Heaven" DVD. Now, maybe I'm a little pro JVI here, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this Terry James guy is a HACK!!

People who have lost pets know the heartbreak. I've written a sizable booklet on the subject because my family has lost pets, and many, many have asked me this question: "Do Our Pets Go to Heaven?" I must ask $8, which includes postage, etc.

No, you've written a sizeable booklet on the subject because you BOUGHT JACK'S DVD AND TOOK NOTES!!! I can't imagine that 2 nutcases independently came up with the "Animals in Heaven" idea. Hey Terry, "Thou shalt not steal"...does that ring a bell?? Oh yeah, how about this one, "Thou shalt not covet Jack's kooky rapture ideas".

Man, this is priceless too. There's too much to make fun of here. Regardless, you'll all know when the rapture takes place, because the updates to this site will stop. I can't update when I'm sitting in heaven with all your dead pets.

I'm not even sure if this is 'serious', although there's a lot of information here for it not to be.

Uh oh. They have a message board. I think I might have to join...

Monday, July 12, 2004

Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!!! (aired June 26)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 - Oh boy! Two jokes! The first one: An 85 year old woman in a nursing home is desperate for a date. She says to another old man, “If you can guess what I have in my hand, I’ll go out with you.” The old man says, “An elephant!!”. “Close enough!” says the old woman. Ha. That’s…pretty…funny. If she were that desperate, she wouldn’t make the guy guess at all. She'd just say, “You look like my 5th husband.” “Oh?” the man would say, “How many husbands have you had?”. The response?? Four!! Ha! That dirty old woman! (see how I merged the 2 jokes into one?? Pretty clever eh??)

3:00 – some schmultz about love. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all about the love, but this bit is too much.

3:20 – Rexella thanks God for America. (Ok, I’m getting angry now…) Thank God that a country like America exists. Thank God that only a select percentage of people live there. Thank God that some poor saps live in poor war torn countries. Thank God that these poor countries don’t put up much of a fight when America decides they want to bomb the hell out of them for their natural resources. “Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord.” Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord??. Now, this WHOLE SHOW basically lists a bunch of reasons why God isn’t the Lord of Jack’s nation anymore. Jack, you say stupid things like “Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord”, but then spend half an hour describing reason after reason how the nation is straying further and further from God. Be consistent man!!

Oh great, a clip of Rexella singing God Bless America. Man, it’s painful.
Surfers and roller coasters are shown while Rexella sings. Seems a little hedonistic to me.

6:23 – Rexella hopes that blessed my heart. Well, if she means “almost made me puke”, then “yes, Rexella, that blessed my heart”.

OFFER OF THE WEEK!! See how far into the toilet Stephen Baldwin’s career has sunken!

17:15 - “Saved” the movie! Jack is not happy about this movie. He wishes that Christians were as extreme as the dudes who put the death threats on Rushdie. Now, this annoys me. Jack loves America, land of the free, home of the brave, where free speech and the right to bear arms means you can carry a gun and tell someone that Jesus was a homo and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. This movie is what America (the nation Jack so loves) is all about Jack!! Freedom of speech means you can make a crazy movie that will offend religious nutcases and everyone is happy! Except, of course, the religious nutcases, but who cares what they think! You can’t just go and hunt them down because they said a mean thing about Jesus.

19:23 – "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth." George Carlin has the filthiest mouth EVER!! He blasphemes like there’s no tomorrow. Uh oh, George Carlin is leading the blasphemers into the time of the tribulation! Again, freedom of speech means that George Carlin can say any filthy Goddamn thing he wants for Christ’s sake.

21:00 - Lots of talk about STDs. Apparently 1 in 3 people in the states have some sort of STD. Why is that?? Because modern day teenages are a filthy, lusty, dirty generation who love the sex. 20 million have herpes! 40 million have genital warts! It’s dangerous to play with sin. I think Jack needs to realize that America is all about playing with sin. "Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord". Sorry Jack, your nation isn't blessed. You're going to hell with the rest of them!! You profit from America's greed and pride, and I'm sure that makes Jesus sad, so, you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem!! One last thing...Jesus was a homo :-)

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Pardon My Planet

I recently came across this comic at work, and I thought, "That's FUNNY!" so I cut it out and pinned it up in my cubicle.



People don't get it. Do you get it?

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Join Millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired June 19)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:31 - Rexella reads some article about what it means to be a good father. It says that 'you need to take your children to church'. I think there's more to being a father than just taking your kid to church. Some might argue that pushing your faith on someone else and not letting them choose for themselves makes you a bad father. Some might argue that putting the fear of God into your young impressionable children is a subtle form of abuse. Not me though, I think church rules!

2:10 - Jack says his father was a night club owner and that he grew up in some of these 'joints'. I wonder if he met Rexella in one of these joints, it would explain the name. I wonder if her middle name is Sahara, or Alexis. Maybe Porsche, or Sapphire, or even Porshe-Alexis. He then, in not so many words, says his father was pretty strict, and didn't have any problems smacking Jack around when he got out of line. No worries though, he mellowed in his old age and he was filled with the spirit! Just like all those nights when Jack's dad would come home filled with whatever spirit he could get his hands on accompanied by some trashy hooker he stumbled across on the way home.

3:33 - Rexella congratulates the Detroit Pistons. Huh? Where did that come from? Well, Detroit wasn't greedy or selfish, they played as a team, and they won!! The Lakers were a little cocky. They were egotistical and it was time someone 'brought them down a notch.' Ok, here it is!! GOD HATES THE SIN OF PRIDE. The Lakers were proud, so God hates them, and they lost! Ha! Take that Shaq! Or should I say, SATAN!!! The only difference, I'm sure Satan can hit a free-throw. And Satan probably has smaller feet. Comparing Kobe to Satan? Like shooting fish in a barrel.

6:16 - Rexella says that Ronald Reagan stands out as one of history's great people. Reagan believed that Armageddon was coming!! And he might see it in his lifetime!! He was right! It came alright, I don't know if he saw it, but I did, and it sucked.

12:00 - The OFFER OF THE WEEK!! Blah, blah, still that stupid movie about the tribulation. Rexella asks if I noticed that Stephen Baldwin and some other movie stars were in it. Yes, I noticed Stephen Baldwin, but I didn't notice any movie stars.

15:41 - Math made easy by Jack. Sept. 11, 2001 - 10 planes were supposed to go up, only 4 did. Had the other 6 gone up then they would have hit the tallest buildings in California, Washington, the Statue of Liberty and hit all the nuclear plants. Ok, let's assume that there are 2 buildings in each of California and Washington, plus the Statue of Liberty, that leaves one airplane to hit all 65 nuclear sites in the States at the time. That would be one magic airplane. Maybe Al Qaeda has such an airplane!! Maybe we should all build bomb shelters and become overly paranoid trying to protect ourselves from such a weapon. That quiet guy down the street?? He's part of the magic airplane plot. Trust me on this one, get him, before he gets you!!!

17:00 - A bunch of gibberish about weapons of mass destruction. Blah, blah, blah.

27:00 - Finally, Rexella wants me to invite you all to watch the show. Ok, fine. You should watch the show. What the heck, buy the video while you're at it.