Saturday, October 27, 2007

Halloween!! (basically the same post as previous Halloweens, because, really, how much is there to say?)

So, MSN has an article about "What your Halloween costume says about you"

Here's my interpretation of what the following Halloween costumes 'reveal' about the people wearing them.

The woman who dresses as "Captain Booty" is a woman with loose morals who will have sex with you in the bathroom at a party.

The woman who dresses as an "Alpine Girl" is a woman with loose morals who will have sex with you in the bathroom at a party. This is made obvious by the fact that the only reason to dress up like an "Alpine Girl" is to go out in the skimpiest, sluttiest costume so, when someone asks, "Are you a prostitute?" she can respond "No silly! I'm an Alpine Girl!"

The woman who dresses as the exceedingly suggestive "Cavegirl" is a woman with loose morals who will have sex with you. Period. Why go all the way to the bathroom when the Cavegirl will do it on the couch with people watching? You get laid, and you don't even lose your spot! It's win-win with the Cavegirl. (Also, I think the cavegirl who decided to wear the fish nets on her legs as opposed to using it to, oh, I don't know, catch fish, probably didn't survive to reproduce, so not only is she a cavegirl, but a dumb one. If it's wrong to expect historical accuracy in Halloween costumes then I don't want to be right.)

The woman who dresses as the "Gold Digger" is one to stay away from (after you have sex with her in the bathroom, of course.) You see, she chooses the gold digger because that's exactly what she is. In fact, she might not even have sex with you in the bathroom of the party, she might insist you take her to a hotel or to the backseat of a moderately expensive car.

The woman who dresses as "Cat Woman" is a woman with loose morals who will have sex with you. Now, if you think the Cat Woman is going to have sex with you in the bathroom at a party, you're sorely mistaken. No sir, those pants are way too hard to put back on after a quickie on the sink. You're going to have to take her back to your place. While still a sure thing, approach Cat Woman at the end of the night, not beginning.

The woman who goes as a "Pin Up" is just dumb. You see, without the wind blowing up the skirt, there's no difference between that costume and something you might wear to a garden party in July. Spend time with this woman if you like to hear people ask, "So, you're going to a garden party?" To which she'll respond, "I didn't realize that there wouldn't be a constant wind blowing up my skirt, it looked good in the picture. I thought the wind was included."

Now, to be fair, I'll do some male costumes as well.

The man who dresses as a referee, a gladiator, a pirate, or Hef will try to have sex with any of the costumes listed above. He is a man-whore with little else on his mind.

The man who dresses up as Jason is a guy who still lives in his parent's basement. He cares more about the costume than the sex with slutty women. You'll see him in character most of the night wondering why none of the women will talk to him and why the bathroom always seems to be occupied.

Happy Halloween.

(If you think these costumes are over the top, check this out. There's even a picture in a bathroom! (not sure if it's pre or post sex though.)

Friday, October 19, 2007

Join Millions Across the Globe! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired October 3)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

00:20 – Apparently the Emmys were a ‘moral disappointment’. I think I have to agree here. Didn’t “Dick in a Box” win an Emmy? How many times do I have to say it?? Dicks don't belong in boxes! They belong neatly tucked into one's pants or shorts.

1:00 – Rexella reminds us (for those of you who don’t watch regularly) that they have a cat named “Finnicka”. She then pulls up an article about a cat named Oscar who can predict when nursing home patients are going to die. Anyways, Jack basically says that if that cat were coming up to him, he’d just shoo it away. What Jack doesn’t know though is, you can’t shoo away the death cat. I’m not that impressed with the death cat anyways. Isn’t predicting nursing home deaths kind of like predicting which innercity kid is going to end up in prison?

5:22 – Rexella says that they’ve been to 50 countries, but never Africa. Well Rexella, news flash, Africa isn’t a country. Rexella mentions that animals in Africa are decreasing in numbers and she shows us a picture of a lion. Jack references Peter 1 5v8 – “Be vigilant, be sober because your adversary, the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about seeking who he may devour.” That's right people. Satan = lions. Kill them. Kill them all.

Ok, this is important (for all you lion haters out there). Satan, used to be pals with God up there in heaven, but one day he sinned. That’s right, SINNED. What was his sin you may ask? Pride. What do you call a group of lions? That's right, a "PRIDE". I think even the most anti-religious people out there can figure out what that means.

8:00 – now they’re onto drugs and alcohol. “Drug related shootings leave 6 dead”. Of course it's probably 6 drug dealers, so really, drug related shootings aren't bad at all. I personally would like to see more drug related shootings.

Brand new OFFER OF THE WEEK! Tobacco, liquor, drugs, porn, promiscuity, swearing, gambling, gossip, hatred and pride. No, no, it's not about me, it's about addictions and probably how all that fun stuff listed above is bad.

15:43 – On to the Emmys! Kathy Griffin said some mean things about his Jesus. Jack is pretty mad about this. He says that if she were Muslim and she said about Allah that she’d be running for her life now. I think the gist of what he’s saying is that we Christians should be more like the Muslims. So, while you're out there killing lions, shoot some infidels as well (ie. most anyone). Just don't shoot the drug dealers, as apparently that's bad.

19:00 - He then gets mad a Sally Field who said something about the “Goddammed War”. Of course it was bleeped out (rightfully so) because she’s a filty blasphemer just like Kathy Griffin. Although, it is a war, probably damned by God, so it’s a technically accurate statement.

Now he goes off on the Sopranos and says, that there’s something wrong with your Christianity if you watch it. I'd say though, that by supporting HBO and their 14 part series about addiction (which he mentions in his OFFER OF THE WEEK!!) you're also supporting the Sopranos. Jack, you're such a hypocrite!

Man, that was hard. I'm a little rusty.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


Well, I've let this blog slide a bit, with all the working and tv watching that I've been doing. Now, I have some "good" ideas but since nobody reads this anymore, I don't want to waste my time. Show me some love people. I worked so hard over the years to get my 8 readers, now I've let it all slide. Why have I been so foolish!?

Of course I'll still post my 'good' ideas, but I'll silently (or not so silently, as demonstrated above) sit here and accept the fact that I've neglected my blog and lost my audience.

On an unrelated note, we just took a guy out for dinner and tried to get him to do the "72 ounce challenge" where he has to eat a 72 ounce steak in an hour to get it all down. He only managed 63 ounces. I can't imagine eating 4 pounds of meat.