Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Darryl, Darryl...

This list of eligible Hall of Famers is messed up. I'll give at least 2 reasons.

1) Jim Abbott - 87 wins and 108 losses with an ERA of 4.25 with 888 career strike-outs.

Now, don't get me wrong, I liked Jim Abbott in his day (basically because he only has one hand) but that in itself shouldn't be enough to get you into the Hall of Fame.

Still, he's better than:

2) Darryl Strawberry?? Let's look at his stats :

1990 - arrested for allegedly striking wife in the face and threatening her with a handgun. Also entered Smithers Centers for alcohol rehabilitation.

1993 - Divorced from Lisa, was arrested for allegedly striking Charisse Simons (girlfriend).

1994 - Admitted to having a substance abuse problem and entered Betty Ford Center.

1994 - Strawberry and his agent, Eric Goldschmidt, were indicted on federal tax evasion charges.

1994 - tested positive for cocaine and was suspended.

1999 - arrested for cocaine possession and for soliciting an undercover officer for sex.

1999 - again tested positive for cocaine.

2001 - has a four-day drug binge. After a hospital stay, was sentenced to spend two years in a drug treatment center.

2002 - was booted from the treatment center for breaking its rules, including the one not allowing sex between residents.

Maybe if slugging percentage included his significant others, and there was a stat for being addicted to crack, he'd be a prime candidate. Maybe. Although, he was pretty funny in that Simpson's episode.

They won't let Pete Rose in, who has the major league record for hits because he gambled, but they'll nominate someone who has repeatedly had trouble with things, that in my opinion, are worse than gambling.

Well, Pete, I hope you've learned a lesson. Instead of gambling on baseball, you'd have been better off smacking your wife around after doing some crack and not paying your taxes. (forget that last one, he had a bit of a problem with taxes too. Whatever...)

Monday, November 29, 2004

Read it and weep, chumps!

-----Original Message-----
From: SMITH BOWANI [mailto:smith-bowani@pnetmail.co.za]
Sent: November 28, 2004 9:41 AM
To: Paul
Subject: Private

Hello,


I am Mr. Smith Bowani, an auditor of a reputable bank in Johannesburg, Gauteng Province in the Republic of South Africa. I have an urgent and very confidential business proposition for you.

We had a foreign client named Mr. Wooin Shim, who deposited a huge sum of money (18.6 Million United States Dollars), with our bank. Eventually, this client died in a plane crash and since his death we have not had anybody come up for the claims as the next of kin.

You may want to take a look at other passengers, who were on the same plane; here is a site for your perusal.http://www.cnn.com/WORLD/9708/06/guam.passenger.list/

A situation I have monitored closely with my position in the bank. Now having monitored this deposit and managed it over the years before his death, and hence nobody has showed up as the next of kin for the past years. I now solicit for your assistance to present you as the next of kin as every other arrangement/ processes will be monitored by me and my partners involved. However I got your contact from a trade consultant here in South Africa, though I did not disclose the purpose of my seeking for a foreign business partner to him. Although we will still have to sign some agreement before the final transfer of the fund into any of your designated bank account.

I have involved a very senior official in the operational department, and we have agreed that after the transfer of the money into your account, you shall be entitled to 20% of the total sum, my colleagues and I will have 75% while 5% will be used to reimburse any expenses incurred. All necessary precautions have been taken to ensure a risk free situation on the side of both parties. Please note that this deal can only take place on the following conditions;

1. Absolute confidentiality and sincerity will be required and guaranteed, considering our positions in the bank.

2. Assurance that our own share will be released to us in good faith when this money finally gets into your account.

Please treat with utmost confidentiality. Contact me as quickly as possible through my e-mail.

Expecting your urgent response,

Best Regards,

MR. SMITH BOWANI


Finally, I catch a break. Have fun at work tomorrow, I'm planning my retirement.

Friday, November 26, 2004

A Riddle...

What's about 6 inches long, ribbed, requires batteries and is more useful than I am in the dark??

Give up??

This.

I got it from work.

(It's a flashlight)

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Jude Law is a stud.


I don't care what you say, the similarities are there.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Best Pick Up Line Ever (except for the space-pants one, of course)

Hey, I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

I can't imagine that NOT working. Who doesn't love a little self deprecating humour??

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired September 25 and you should watch this one. It has it all.)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Jack tells us an amusing story about when he was a “typical thirteen year old kid”. (Typical meaning born again, accordion playing and scripture quoting.) Now, Jack just wanted to go out to play ball (in his hightops and knickers), but his dad instead took him to some revival where they played their accordions for the crowd (and probably had to beat of the ladies with a stick). Well, Jack’s dad was quite the showman, and he says to Jack (in front of hundreds of people), “Son, are you happy in the Lord tonight?” Well, because Jack wanted to be out playing, he said, “NO!” (ha, that Jack!) and the whole crowd laughed and laughed, which is good, because the bible says “a merry heart doeth good like a medicine”, BUT, Jack’s father’s heart wasn’t too merry as he was being laughed at, so when they got home Jack’s father applied “the board of education to the seat of understanding.” (ie., he beat poor Jack with a board). Now, before you go and say, “Beating children isn’t an acceptable behaviour, nor is it funny” let’s hear what God has to say about it. Proverbs 23 verse 13 and 14 says “withhold not correction from a child”, so in other words, beat away! God went so far as to kill his son, but of course, we shouldn’t love our children THAT much. I’d say, just stick to the beatings. Anyways, Jack, being the typical bible quoting thirteen year old that he was says (in between lashings, of course), “Don’t you know what Ephesians 6 v. 4 says?? 'Provoke not your children to wrath'”. Ha ha ha, man, that crazy Jack. I can only imagine that a snarky comment like that only prompted more correcting from the hand of Jack's dad.

5-20:00 - There's some good stuff about science in this section, and how Jack knows nothing about science.

20:00 – Now, this is important. How do we know that the revived Roman Empire is the EU, which is the final world government (when? NOW!) Well, what did the Romans use for a numbering system? Roman numerals (funny how that worked out). What are the values for Roman numerals? I=1, V=5, X=10, L=50, C=100 and D=500. Ok people, are you ready for this?? ADD THEM TOGETHER!! That’s right, you get 666, which is the mark of the beast, or anti-christ, and well, I don’t remember exactly what the point was, but I think it had to do with Jesus, or God, and hell, and, oh yeah, that's where you're going.

ALSO, if you number our alphabet using multiples of 6, for example, A=6, B=12, C=18 etc. and you spell out "COMPUTER", it equals 666. A COMPUTER is evil. COMPUTERS plural is fine. Also, if you spell out MARK OF THE BEAST, you don't get 666, you get 846, BUT, if you spell out MARK OF BEAST you get 666. Sometimes you have to fudge the numbers to put the fear of God into people. If you try, "I LIKE HAVING SEX WITH BARNYARD ANIMALS" it equals 1914, which isn't 666, so knock yourself out you sick perverted bastard.

28:00 – Rexella leaves us with this - “In prayer, God hears more than words, he listens to your heart”. SO, if you’re praying to God, and he doesn’t do anything, remember, he’s listening to your heart. If you’re not seeing results, it’s because, in your heart, you don’t really want it. Think about that. If, for example, you knew someone who was dying of cancer, and you prayed for them, and they died anyways, in your heart you didn’t really want them to live, and that, my friend, makes you one horrible person. You’d best try to get back in God’s good graces by finding and beating, no, pardon me, correcting some children.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

The Virgin Mary

Because the Virgin Mary has decided to show herself to some yahoo in the States, I figured that she MUST have been trying to contact the likes of me. I decided to look more closely at some of my Vietnam pictures. Check this out.



Take a closer look at what's inside that box!

What an honour.

Once I knew what to look for, finding her again wasn't as difficult.

See here and here.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired September 18)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella says that they just got back from a “well deserved” vacation because they do 50 shows a year, and they needed a break. Actually, I think they do one show a year, they just repeat it 50 times. Kind of makes you wonder why they don’t do 52 shows a year. Lazy bastards.

Animals in heaven talk! Jesus is coming on a white horse, and millions of others are too!! What’s that you say? That’s a believable story EXCEPT for that lingering question, “where do these horses come from?” Well, God has created billions of planets (ask the scientists, they’ll tell you, just don’t ask them how the horses get to earth from these planets, because that’s God’s problem, not science’s) so these white horses could be grazing on these other planets as we speak. “The Planet of the Horses” Get your hoofs off me you damn dirty equine!

11:28 – The new OFFER OF THE WEEK!! “The Final World Government. When? NOW!!” Well, it’s about the final world government. If you were wondering when, I think it’s soon, possibly next week sometime.

19:00 – Rexella comments on terrorism targeting children. She says she can’t believe that they’d sink to that level. Well, if there’s one thing that terrorists are known for, it’s their compassion towards the kiddies. Jack then refers to people who hurt children as “brutal beasts”. BUT, he said earlier that the beasts of the earth would be in heaven. I guess Jack’s in for a surprise when he meets Bin Laden up there in heaven, prancing around on a cloud, killing children.

28:00 – Rexella leaves us with this, “God always rules with love, never with force.” But what about the hurricanes Rexella? What about the hurricanes? God uses force, and calls it love, just like abusive husbands and parents!

“Children of abusive parents, next on Springer”.

Our first guest, we’ll call him J. Christ or JC (to protect the innocent) is going to confront his abusive father who we’ll refer to as, “Mr. The Almighty Creator”. (Mr. Creator is backstage unaware of what is going on.)
Jerry - "So JC, tell us about your father"
JC - "Well, first of all, he makes me refer to him as the Almighty Creator, then he sends me down to a dump of a planet where I end up being nailed to a board. All under the guise of love. Oh yeah, and he embarrasses me in front of my friends and won’t let me take the car on weekends."
Jerry - "Well, let’s bring him out!"
(crowd boos)
Mr. Creator – "Huh? Jesus Christ! What in the name of Myself is going on here??"
JC – "I’ve had it with your 'love' I’m not going to let you get away with it anymore...and...I want more liberties with the car."
Mr. Creator – "Why you little ungrateful <expletive deleted>".
<Scuffle ensues, Mr. Creator and JC have to be physically separated, cut to commercial.>

Friday, November 12, 2004

Pet Peeve.

Don't you hate it when you're trying to download a song but all of them are labelled wrong??? Every time I downloaded "Islands in the Stream" I got all psyched up for the Bee Gees, and it was that shitty Dolly Parton one. Man, I hate that.

Read these.

You should read this. It's damn funny. This post is hilarious. While I'm glad I've never taken the time to make dirty pictures with Starbursts, I kind of wish I'd written it.

I found it after finding this. It's funny too.

Sometimes, the "Next Blog" button actually produces something worth reading. Most times it produces annoying, musical, Anime filled crap WritTeN liKe thIS. Try it, I bet you the "Next Blog" button gives you something with shitty music and anime. SeE! I TolD yOu.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Lest we forget....

Because it's Remembrance Day (in Canada anyways) I thought I'd put up some pictures of my Vimy Ridge visit.





I'll spare you the lecture, but we do take a lot for granted, and it's always good to think about those who risked and lost their lives doing things we thank God we don't have to do.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Vietnam

I decided that I would put some of my Vietnam photos online. You can find some stuff about my trip here.

If you want to go straight to the pictures, you can do that here.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Benny Hinn is a genius

God brought me to Benny Hinn yesterday morning, and he said some interesting things. First of all, he said that he needs $1.7 million every 5 days just to keep his ministry going "as it is". Of course, Benny takes a lot of that money and buys cars and houses and hookers, but what he's saying is he makes $1.7 million EVERY 5 DAYS!!! That's $340 000 EVERY DAY!! That's over $124 million in a year. What kind of ministry costs that much to operate?? A fucking crooked one, that's what kind.
He had some kooky pastor sidekick too, who suggested that the best amount to donate was $400 "because it's easy to multiply". Ummm, what? I have a number that's easier to multiply, it's $10, or better yet, $1. Or, the easiest number to multiply, ZERO. He also said that he loves to see people "cured" by Benny, and he loves to see the husband's faces when their wives jump out of their wheelchairs because "well, how long has it been since she cooked him a meal? Finally, she's up and about." What's the first thing Joe Redneck American says to his wife after she stands up out of her wheelchair? "My prayers have been answered!!! Make me a sandwich." (They all voted for Bush too...)

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Join Millions around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!!! (aired Sept. 11)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:39 – We learn that Jack is 57 years old. Chuck is also 57. Rexella shows a picture of Jack and Chuck on a bicycle built for two! Jack then says that they had to bike because they couldn’t afford to fly, so instead of the Wright Brothers, they were the Wrong Brothers! Ha! They’re not even brothers, so that’s just retarded. PLUS, the Wright brothers started out in the bicycle business. Christ Jack, do some research!

14:38 – Jack says the CIA says that China will attack the States with missiles and hydrogen bombs before 2015. Wow, sounds like a little preemptive bombing is in order. What better way to start off George W’s second term? Celebrate the victory by nuking the Chinese!! I personally love nuking Chinese. Nothing beats left-over beef and broccoli for breakfast. Mmmmm, nuked Chinese….

16:32 – Pestiliences!! Rexella says that 5000 people die each year of viruses in our hospitals. – Now, I haven’t done much research on this myself, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the number of people who actually die of viruses in hospitals is somewhat higher than 5000.

17:00 – We learn that Lenin had syphilis when he died. That crazy communist! Jack says, “He was nothing but a vile, old, dirty sinner.” I find this comment rather baffling. Lenin was responsible for the deaths of millions and millions of people, and all Jack is upset about is the fact that he had syphilis?? I wonder if Jack likes Stalin or not. I suppose as long as he didn’t have gonorrhea when he died, he’s ok in Jack’s book. Hitler was rumoured to have had an illicit relationship with his niece, so, I imagine that Jack doesn’t think too highly of Hitler.

21:32 – “Women are to adorn themselves in modest apparel.” First Timothy 2 verse 9. Jack says this while talking about Britney Spears. Yup, I just read it, it does say that. Verse 12 says that ‘it’s right for a woman … to be quiet.' Now THAT should definitely apply to Britney Spears, and Ashlee Simpson, and Hilary Duff, and any number of others. With the exception of Avril Lavigne though, she’s da bomb!

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Muse sucks.

Well, I saw Muse live last night, and it was loud. Too loud, like, ridiculous loud. So friggin' loud that my ear is STILL ringing. I should sue them.

The opening act, "Evening" sucked. Here's a question that sums up Evening,

Q - "What's worse than a band with a guy who thinks he can play piano but really can't?"

A - "A band with 2 guys who think they can play piano but really can't".

The second act was by far the best. They didn't say their name, but judging by their shirts they were called "Tech Support". "Tech Support" was by far the most pleasing act of the night. Maybe not the most talented, as they mainly just moved equipment around while other mainstream rock songs played on the speakers, but definitely the most pleasing to the ears. Plus, it could be argued that that's pretty innovative, and some would consider it groundbreaking.