Saturday, December 31, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe! This is Jack Van Impe Presents! (aired December 24)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:32 – Rexella talks about humorous prayers from children that she found on the internet.

Dear God, I read that Thomas Edison made light, but in Sunday school they say that You did. I bet he stole your idea.

Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love everyone in the world, I only have 4 people in my family and I could never do it.

Dear God, if we come back as someone, please don’t let it be Jennifer Horton, I hate her.


Oh how Jack and Rexella laugh and laugh but there’s really nothing funny about kids so filled with hate that they can’t love their families. Nah, I’m kidding, there is a lot funny about that. Those letters are probably made up anyways. I heard a story once that there is stuff on the internet that isn't true.

10:00 – Lots of signs! Basically, they’re the same signs as before. AIDS, hurricanes, avian flu. This one is new though, “More Women charged in sex cases”. A female teacher was charged after having a sex party with some students. Jack says, “It’s getting bad when you have women becoming pedophiles, molesting little boys.” Huh? Getting bad? It’s bad when anyone molests kids, Jack. The truly tragic thing about that story is that it didn't happen at my highschool.

12:45 – People are downloading porn on cell phones and ipods! Jack says, “whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Only if you're married Jack, only if you're married.

13:15 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! Oh. My. God. Just when you thought Jack’s electronic bible couldn’t get any better, they’ve gone and done it. No, they didn’t add a calculator, they added an entire prophesy bible! I bet you could download porn on it if you tried.

14:00 - 28:00 - A lot of crap that I don't care to write about. Something about Heidi Fleiss and the diminishing quality of Christian books.

28:00 – Rexella leaves us with this- “God’s forgiveness always comes with a second chance.” This fits nicely in with my plan to pray for forgiveness on my death bed. Why prevent myself from having fun now when I can just beg for forgiveness later?

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Update on New Years Resolutions.

I made New Years Resolutions last year.

While most of them were stupid, I did actually want to do numbers 2, 3 and 8. How did I do you ask? Well, I failed miserably in all of them.

I didn't take piano lessons, nor did I even look into it. I think the biggest barrier to that was that I think it will be hard. Damn, now that I'm thinking about it again the interest has been renewed. Dammit. I guess that'll be a resolution for next year too.

I don't have a six-pack. While I'm not unhappy with my abs, the definition just isn't there (yet). I think the biggest barrier to that was that it's hard. In order to have abs that pop out you need no fat, and well, I'm nowhere near disciplined enough to eat properly. Maybe I need a nutritionist....

I didn't do a triathlon. I can run for hours but I can't swim for 3 minutes. I guess I still want to do it, but I'll need some some coaching.

To sum up, New Years Resolutions suck, and nobody should make them because now I feel like a loser for failing so I'm going to go binge on leftover Christmas cookies and greasy food. Who am I kidding, I was going to go do that anyways.

Happy New Year.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Home for the Holidays

I went 'home' for a couple days over the holidays and there's an old Mariah Carey poster on the wall in my old room. I used to have a bit of a thing for her, back in her Hero days before she turned into a massive whore. Anyways, I looked at the poster and something seemed to be missing. I figured it out, let's see if you can. (I added the arrows to lead you in the right direction)

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From this site:

Did Mariah get breast implants?
Mariah has denied reports of any breast augmentations and credits her cleavage to a weight gain and specially made water-and-gel-filled push-up bras from Victoria's Secret. "In Touch Weekly" magazine also reports that Mariah admitted to seeing holistic therapist Bharti Vyas for bust firming and massaging.


Whatever. She's as flat as a board in that old poster and I don't believe for a second that that's all push-up bra. You can't push up what's not there. Regardless, what's more 'embarassing'? Admitting to getting breast implants? Or admitting that you let some guy claiming to be a holistic therapist massage your chest?

Anyways, what was the point again? Oh yeah, I'd like to announce that I am a holistic therapist and I'm opening my own "Bust firming and Massaging" clinic. First visit is free, and don't forget to tell a friend. (Results vary, I make no guarantees.)

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Merry Christmas

Well, it's almost Christmas and I'm done my shopping and I've wrapped all my presents! No, wait, that should say, I'm not done my shopping, nor have I wrapped all my presents. Sorry.

Anyways, to help get into that Christmas spirit, watch my new Christmas movie.

My Christmas movie.

If that doesn't work, you can see how far you can catapult Santa. Click the mouse to start moving, then click and hold the mouse to prepare for flight. I like the festive Christmas yodelling the best I think. Nothing says Christmas like yodelling.

I got 350.4. Beat it, I dare you. Triple dog dare even.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

KING KONG (No Spoilers, although everyone knows what happens at the end)

How can a movie that has dinosaurs fighting a giant ape while an attractive woman prances around in rags be hard to sit through? Ask Peter Jackson and hopefully he'll answer you in under 3 hours.

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Here's an example of a bad scene where the woman breaks up with Kong:

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Girl - "Kong, we're just from 2 different worlds. I'm from the real world and you're from that crazy world with the dinosaurs and such."

Kong - "Yeah, you're right, but the sex sure was good."

Girl - "Yeah, I'm a little sore though..."

Kong - "You should have said something! Just because I'm a giant ape doesn't mean we can't communicate!"

Girl - "Well, it kinda does... Plus, you're not a real King either. Instead of being a Queen, I'd just be that weird chick with the giant ape. Where's the glamour??"

Kong - "Can I eat you yet?"

Girl - "No Kong, not yet."

(I may have made up that last part, but my ass was so sore from sitting on those damn seats for 3.5 hours (including previews etc.) that I may not have been paying too close attention at the end.)

Monday, December 12, 2005

Beware the Giant Cat.

After finding this site through Fatrobot and then reading this article, I realized that there may be a rather large cat lurking around my place as well.

I set up my motion activated camera and I waited. I waited and waited until this picture was taken:

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It's HUGE. If you assume that the paper shredder is about 16 inches high, some people might come to the conclusion that the cat is about 4 feet tall!

Next comes the mysterious hair that I found. I had the lab run an analysis and the results came back indicating that it was from a cat of some sort. A mysterious monster cat had not yet been ruled out.

Now to figure out where this giant mystery cat came from. After I remembered that I had a cat, it all became clear.

My small, normal sized cat was attracting a larger, massive mysterious cat(s) to my house.

Further investigation is warranted. I'll keep you posted.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Gingerbread Figures

I was at Tim Hortons and I noticed they don't have gingerbread men, only gingerbread figures. I can only imagine that this is due to the fact that to appease some crazy feminist nutjob(s), they made the term gender non-specific. I find this particularly amusing because when I bought the gingerbread figure, the woman at the counter referred to it as 'a naked man' (because they had decorated Santa ones too, which, due to my religious beliefs, I find horribly offensive as well) It ceases to be politically correct if employees refer to them as 'naked men'. Then she called me 'love'. I think a little sensitivity training is in order.

ANYWAYS, to make everyone happy, I decided to go into the gingerbread business. Here is my menu:

You have the standard gingerbread man and woman.
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Now, now, I know what you're thinking. "Those look awfully heterosexual, Paul. You don't want to offend the homosexuals." You'd be right to say that, so I bring you the gay gingerbread abominations (I call them "abominations" so I don't offend the religious nutcases.)
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Now, now, I know what you're saying. "What about the handicapped people and invalids? In the event that they ever make it up the ramp to Tim Hortons, you wouldn't want them to be offended, would you?" Well, you'd be correct again. So, I bring you the wheelchair and the coma patient gingerbread figures. (The white stuff is icing, so that's why I added the detail to the coma patient's blanket - yum.)

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Of course, you can add smarties or something for that added holiday flair, but the idea is there - everyone is deserving of a gingerbread representation. Everyone except for the people I didn't include of course.

Monday, December 05, 2005

I guess they cover fractions in grade 11

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Since when is this half? Cut in half?? How does this help people (people like me) who only eat half of their sub at a time? Damn you Subway for hiring highshool dropouts!! I want equal portions at two different times, so when you cut it like this it really pisses me off. They should have a jig or something that cuts the sub exactly in half (or maybe they could hire people who aren't morons).

They also don't evenly distribute the pickles and green pepper, but that's another topic entirely.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Hidden Video of Binsk

Well, because she asked so nicely, I used the same technique as my last post to take a hidden video of Binsk. Canadians all look like stick people when you take hidden videos.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Why I hate garbage men people.

They have a job that consists of riding around on (or driving) a truck, picking up garbage, and, well, I guess that's it. Why can't they put my empty garbage can back upright with the lid on, or at least with the lid somewhere near the can, which, preferrably would be somewhere near my house?

I took a hidden video of it. (Garbage men, or refuse engineers, in Canada are all stick people.)

A few weeks ago the lid was gone entirely, and then last week the can ended up on the other side of the street. THEN, yesterday, they didn't even take the garbage at all! Maybe it was because it was raining and the can filled up with water because there was no FUCKING LID because THEY LOST IT. (I guess someone else could have taken it, but I prefer to blame the garbage people).

I had to go buy a new damn garbage can so some poor uneducated schmuck will do his (or her) damn job. It's not enough that my tax dollars pay their salary, but now I have to spend another $10?

My life is so tough.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

I got have nothing.

I guess it's American Thanksgiving this weekend. We Canadians get screwed on our Thanksgiving as we only have a 3 day weekend. I guess we don't have as much to be thankful for. :(

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

All You Can Eat

The Applebee's next to my house has "All you can eat riblets" for $9.99. That's a lot for 2 riblets, isn't it? That's pretty smart of Applebee's though because you can't eat when you're in the washroom with explosive diarrhea.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired Oct 29)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella comments that people name their children after rock stars and famous people. She says it’s been happening since biblical times though. Hey, I think she’s right. I once heard of a guy named John.

4:00 – Jack is amazed by science. The most distant cosmic explosion 12.8 billion light years from earth. That’s 77 sextillion miles!! Jack says this happened at the edge of the universe, where only a few miles further is where God lives. Jack is excited because he loves math, and I suppose he loves applying it. (Even if his math is wrong). I also love the fact that he uses this amazing science to prove his kooky theories about the rapture, but when that very same science tells you that you can’t warp through space ‘in the twinkling of an eye’ he doesn’t want to listen.

13:35 – Jack says that Osama Bin Laden has smuggled 48 suitcases containing nuclear material into the United States! Apparently, according to Jack’s contacts, they’re going to set off these suitcases at the same time in 7 different cities. He wanted them all in the same city, but he flew them in and that’s just where they ended up.

16:21 – Hey, they’re begging for money now. As much as I enjoy this show, I think I’d rather keep my money thanks. It’s a little embarrassing actually. He really is begging. Galatians 6 v 6 says “let him that is taught in Gods word communicate. Support him that teaches”
Translation: If you don’t send Jack some money, you’re going to Hell, and so is your dog and everyone you love.

19:25 – Testimonials! Wow, they have a bunch of morons endorsing Jack and Rexella. I’d kill to have a testimonial on that show. “Jack Van Impe has taught me about the bible. He has also taught me to hate Jews and gays, and well, any number of other heathens. While I’m hating, I’m not having any premarital sex, and well, that only makes the hating easier. Thank you Jack and Rexella, thank you.”

Now they’re concentrating on the late night crowd. Jack says, he wants to reach these “people who want to drown their sorrows in a bottle of liquor or overdose of drugs” Jack wants to give them Jesus! He could reach even more 'undesireables' if he advertised on porn sites! He's just not thinking hard enough.

27:00 – Rexella says that they have signed on with 27 of largest 31 cities in North America. I’ve never wished I was in Saskatchewan more than I do right now.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

I'm so very sorry.

I've been so busy for the past few days I haven't even had time to not read Dances With Wolves. Don't you hate it when someone isn't prepared for their book club meetings? I personally wouldn't know, because I'm not in a book club (that's why I'm asking you), but I imagine someone just sitting there not contributing because they couldn't manage their time well enough to read a damn book would be annoying.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Paul's Book Club. (Not to be confused with Oprah's)

Don't read a book today!
This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club, don't read this book!

The next book in my book club is Dances with Wolves.

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It's a novel by some guy you've never heard of, and, if you pay close attention to the Hollywood scene, you might know that they made a movie out of it. Hey, look at that, it's right on the front of the book!

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Now, the fact that they tell you right on the front that this book has become a movie is probably supposed to say, "Read me because I'm so good that they made a movie out of me." To me it says, "Whoa there big guy, what are you doing reading when you could go on down to Blockbuster and be through with me in 3 hours?"

If that's not enough reason to put it down and go to the video store, read this little note.

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Well, that's all well and good, but what about the book!?? What about the book!??

Anyways, the next book in my club is "Dances with Wolves". Join my club, don't read it. While you're at it, don't watch the movie either (they shoot the wolf at the end. Or do they shoot AT the wolf? I don't remember).

Friday, November 11, 2005

Lest We Forget.

Because it's Remembrance Day (in Canada anyways) I thought I'd put up some pictures of my Vimy Ridge visit.





I'll spare you the lecture, but we do take a lot for granted, and it's always good to think about those who risked and lost their lives doing things we thank God we don't have to do.

Monday, November 07, 2005

2 Cheerleaders walk into a bar...

I personally question the health benefits of bar food, but cheerleaders look damn good and apparently they eat out at bars.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Photoblogging IV

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This picture is every bit as good as the others in this series. For those of you who don't know anything about photography, the true artist doesn't feel the need to center things in his pictures. You'll also notice that I included the flash in the picture. It represents life. You see, I was taking a picture of some fossils, so I felt that the contrast of living and dead, and light vs. dark captured in a photograph would make for a really powerful image. As usual, I was right. Please don't copy it without my permission, and if you want to buy a print, just let me know.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

I'm writing about my mail again. Man, I suck.

Well, I checked my mail again today, and this time I got a flier asking if I was interested in becoming a school bus driver. It says 'our cargo is extremely valuable' so it sounds like they're carrying boxes of watches or something on the side. Anyways, last week it was Tim Hortons, this week it's bus driving. Maybe there's a higher power trying to tell me something. Maybe I just live in a shitty neighbourhood. AND, I also got another Extreme Fitness ad. There's a scantily clad woman jumping on this one, but there's no money shot, so I guess it's alright. As a side-note, I sent Extreme Fitness an email about their other ad and they 'gave' me a free month at their gym. Anyone want a free month at Extreme Fitness? Just complain about their pornographic ads, it seems to work.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Halloween!!

Whilst searching the internet for Halloween costumes, I came upon these few that I found rather smashing.

First off, almost all the women's costumes looked something like this. Since when did Halloween go from being a heathen Godless 'holiday' to an excuse to dress like a whore? This one is a football player.
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If I saw this costume at a party I'd say, "Wow, cool whore costume. The pads are a nice touch. Here, have another drink."

Out of all the costumes and all the models, I only noticed one black person. If you guessed that the black person would be used for the "Long Schlong" costume, well you might be scorned for such a stereotype. You might even be called 'racist'. You'd be right though!

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I guess that's kind of long.

Now, the best children's costume ever.

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Not only would your kid have the coolest costume at the party, but the 'hole in the condom' costume would explain why they exist in the first place!

Happy Halloween.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Come to Extreme Fitness and We'll Ejaculate on your Face.

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This ad pisses me off for two three reasons.

1. It's blatantly pornographic. Will this honestly appeal to women looking for a gym? Maybe I'll go in there for a free tour and then ask when I get to jizz all over some hot model. If they say I can't, then I'll pull out this ad and say, "Well, what the hell does this mean then?" I think this ad is equivalent to a written contract, so I hope they have lots of kleenex.

2. They say the offer ends on October 27th, but I get these ads ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. I get at least one a week, maybe two. FUCK OFF EXTREME FITNESS. I'm not interested in your sick, depraved gym.

3. It's only $2 a month for a short time, then it's something upwards of $80-90/month. That is a huge rip-off - unless that 'other thing' is true, but even then... AND the name is dumb. Extreme Fitness. What's so extreme about working out on a machine with some fat guy's ass sweat all over it?

In closing, GO TO HELL EXTREME FITNESS AND TAKE YOUR DAMN ADS WITH YOU.

Thank you.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Mail Sucks

I got an application form for Tim Hortons in the mail today**. (for those of you who don't know what Tim Hortons is, it's a coffee place that is on every corner in Canada. Tim Horton, of course, was a hockey player.)

Anyways, the fact that they have any sort of job application process surprises me, because, well, they only seem to hire morons. How can you screw up an order for a coffee? Go to Tim Hortons to find out.

For example, I have some of their training material here, here and here.

Having said all that, having developed a chemical dependence from drinking their coffee, it doesn't really matter that they can't punch "Double Double with milk" into a computer, as I'm still going back. In fact, I might just go there now.

** - Just to clarify - I didn't ask for it, it just came. I didn't go to University for 5 years to pour cream into someone's coffee after they asked for milk. I think a four year degree would have been sufficient.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Fake Story about made up kids #3

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"Hey Dad", yelled the boy. "Look at this! It's a human hand!"

"No son," I replied. "It's from a raccoon."

"Why does it look just like my hand?" asked the boy.

"Because your grandfather was a raccoon," I said.

"Wow, that probably explains why I can't resist the urge to dig around in the neighbour's garbage."

"What?!"

"Nothing."

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Player of the Game?

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Nope. It was Berkman. Take that Fox Sports! See what happens when you name the Player of the Game before the game is over? Now what? How will this be rectified? Ahh, who cares, I have to go to work.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

An idea...

I was at the gym today and they were playing a music video station on the tv and I couldn't help but think that if I managed a hot, young female recording artist, when we were shooting the video, I'd get her to prance around in skimpy clothes and then I'd have a shot or two of her in a bathtub. I don't think it's been done before.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Conversation Post

When Brett talked about conversation posts, I just had to share. Believe it or not, this conversation really took place. It was a few weeks ago.

Paul: Hey Jack, do you really think that Jesus is coming? Like, really, really think that?

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Jack:Oh yes! It's an exciting time. Did you know I wrote a prophecy bible?

Paul: Umm, yeah, actually, I did know that. Anyways, tell me about this "Rapture". I'm intrigued.

Jack: Well, the Lord shall descend from heaven with a shout, and the dead in Christ shall rise first then the living shall be caught up together with the dead and shall meet in the clouds and so shall we be forever with the lord - first Thessalonians 4 v 16-18.

Paul: So, how will we know? Like FOR SURE??

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Jack: Well, we'll hear from the clouds "come up hither" revelation 4 vs 1 and we'll sweep through 187 trillion billion miles in the twinkling of an eye - 1st Corinthians 15 v 52. Oh, it's an exciting time!

Paul: Well, Jack, that's fascinating, but what you don't know is, that I've arranged for a special guest to verify some of these statements. May I introduce you to Jesus.

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Paul: Jesus, or should I call you Mr. Christ?

Jesus: Jesus is fine, my son.

Paul: Thanks. So, Jesus, I'd like to introduce you to my friend Jack.

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Jack: ......

Jesus: Oh, I know Jack. I'm omnipotent you know...

Paul: Oh, right, sorry. Anyways, I have a few questions.

Jesus: Please proceed, my son.

Paul: Are you really going to say, "Come up hither?" I mean, "Hither"? Kids aren't going to know what you're talking about.

Jesus: Well, eventually I'll say that, Dad didn't write that into the Bible for nothing you know. I figure I'll say, "Come up....thither" or maybe, "Come on hither", just to mess with people. Wouldn't it be funny if people started looting? Christ...I mean, Damn, that'd be funny.

Jack has since passed out on the floor.

Paul: Ha! That would be funny. So, tell me, Hurricane Katrina: A sign of your return? Or were you just bored one day?

Jesus: It's hurricane season! That shit just happens! It's not easy to control the weather you know. The tsunami on the other hand. Who would have thought that an underwater earthquake would do that much damage? Colour my face red.

Paul: Yeah, you killed a lot of people. I mean, A LOT.

Jesus: Enough already, you don't think I hear this from God, like every day?! Now look what you've done. You've made me mad.

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Jesus: I glow blue when I'm irritated.

Paul: Whoa. Calm down there guy. Oh, on an unrelated note, have you heard the one about you putting the nails down on the hotel counter??

Jesus: ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME NOW??!!? YOU WILL BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR INSOLENCE. WHERE ARE YOU FROM???

Paul: Ummm, Pakistan. Yeah, Pakistan....

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Swear to God, that happened.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Jesus?

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I was walking through the woods on Saturday and I saw this moss covered rock. Doesn't that look like a face? Maybe it's Jesus??

Jesus could have had a huge nose. If had a nose like that I wouldn't write it into the bible . I'd write a whole chapter on how I looked like Brad Pitt. I'd call it, "The Book of Vanity" Verse 1, chapter one says, "and his face looketh not unlike that of Brad Pitt. The ladies swooned, and it was good."

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired Sept. 24)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

00:10 – Rexella ponders, “Will 2 religions cause World War III”? I say, “No”. It’ll probably just be one.

2:00 – Jack says the dead in Christ are raptured first “because they have 6 feet farther to go!” Ha! That’s not true, because the dead people in Denver are still closer to heaven than the living people in New Orleans. Ok, bad example, those looters are all going to hell, but you know what I mean.

3:27 – Jack talks science. It’s so funny. He thinks that we’re going to go through 187 trillion billion miles in 0.11 seconds (because that’s how fast GE measured the twinkling of an eye, which is how quickly we’ll be raptured. Of course that’s faster than the speed of light, so it’s impossible). Jack then implies that astronauts aren’t going to heaven. Damn scientists!!

12:00 – Rexella says that there have been 17 hurricanes this season. Why is that significant? Because the bible says so, that’s why!

1500 – Jack says that they have a lot of new tv contracts for the coming year. He probably nabbed that coveted 3:00-3:30 am time-slot between an infomercial on buying and selling real estate and some knives that cut through frozen pork. He says it’s a sign because he’ll be able to make ‘the last call to the nations on earth’ regarding the rapture. Or at least the alcoholics and sleep deprived people who watch tv that late.

15:30 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! The big 10! Whoa, big news. Revelations Revealed is available again. He says it’s $100 cheaper than it was, so if you bought it before, well, you’re a fucking moron.

21:00 – Jack gets mad at Osama Bin Laden for telling suicide bombers that they’ll be rewarded with 72 virgins in heaven. He says no god would give you virgins that you could have daily for the rest of eternity. Well, of course not, you can only have the virgin once, unless you get new virgins every day, in which case.... I think I need some clarification. Maybe they're onto something.

28:00 – Rexella leaves us with this – “Faith is God’s antidote for fear.” Think about that the next time you're afraid of something. Let me know how that works out for you.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Fake story about made up kids #2

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It was a hot day, a day I wanted to spend outside. The only problem? Flying ants. I hate insects in general, but there's something about flying ants that I particularly hate. I think it's probably the flying, as ants in general don't disgust me as much.

"Hey Dad", said the boy, "Doesn't that insecticide say not to spray it into the wind as it'll just blow right back on you?"

"Tell me", I said, "How do you expect me to know which way the wind is blowing if I don't spray some and then see if it blows back on me?"

Geez kid, wise up.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

What the hell??

Check this out.

Three hours and 7 minutes while juggling??? I can't juggle for 2 minutes standing still.

This is a picture of me finishing my marathon (2 years ago - look at how young I look).

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It took me 3 hours and 41 minutes. And notice my hands. I'm not friggin' juggling things. AND (you can't tell this from the picture) I'm in a WORLD OF PAIN at this point, and also WISHING I WAS DEAD.

I love running, but it's a little hard on the ego when you're going all out and you're exhausted and then the fat guy with the limp passes you. As fast as you are, there's always some old fat guy who's faster. Or some dork juggling.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

To sellout, or not to sellout, that is the question

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Sometimes I think that I spend too much time on some of these posts considering how many people read them. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate all the readers, but sometimes I think I should be spending my time doing something a little more productive, like watching tv, or sleeping on the couch.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Join Millions Across the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired Sept 10)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:15 – Uh oh. Jack may be sick! They’re getting letters expressing people’s concern.

He had a blood infection that could have been fatal. Jack thinks it was Satan. I do too. Anyways, he had to wake up Rexella (by walking across the room to her bed, no doubt) so that she could take him to the hospital. He was spasming and not making any sense. (Umm, quick question, isn’t he like that every week??) Anyways, it's not like me to make light of a serious topic like death, so let's get right to making fun of Jesus.

7:00 – Woo hoo! It’s hurricane talk! Did you know there was one?? Apparently it hit New Orleans! Rexella says that the number one thing we can do is pray. That’s right, don’t bother with the money, just pray. Nothing sucks the water out of New Orleans faster than prayer. Maybe if those poor people had prayed (like the rich white people obviously did) they wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

13:52 – Whoa. Rexella asks the million dollar question. “Is the hurricane a sign pointing towards the return of Christ?”

Ready??

“YES!” (I didn’t see that coming)

Jack then spews the same crap that he spewed after the tsunami. (that’s right the tsunami. Has anyone checked recently to see if they still need any help over there?? Didn’t think so.)

15:30 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! It’s brand new! It’s called ‘The Big 10”. Rexella says it was made for me, and it’s “dynamite”. It’s about telling people who think they’re going to heaven that they’re really going to hell. He says that there are people who mock the virgin birth and even those who mock the rapture. (Hmmmm, maybe they really did make it for me.)

17:00 – Rexella talks about prophesies in Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. That reminds me of what my grandfather used to say, “Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, hold the donkey while I get on.” We kids would laugh and laugh, and then repeat it, and then Mom would get mad because it’s not appropriate talk for church. In retrospect, maybe Mom was right.

19:51 – Hey the video cut out on me! Stupid internet. I blame Satan, or Jesus, or maybe Bell Sympatico. Fuckers.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Apparently I hate Jesus...

I don't usually take the time to respond to things I don't completely agree with, but I'm making an exception at the moment =] I was reading your comments about Jack Van Impe. While some of your comments are mildly amusing... most are sad, sad attempts to discredit a man who has helped* millions. Anyways, the reason I decided to post a comment is because you got me to wondering about the general public's reaction to Mr. Van Impe. I googled** him and noticed something else I found humorous. The only people who have negative comments about Mr. Van Impe appear to be witches, paranormal reasearchers and well... you. Isn't it odd that the only people who hate Jesus are those who feel threatened by him? But don't worry, it's not too late to change and once you do, there is no reason to feel threatened. =]

God Bless You!


* I guess it's still helping, even if you're helping morons.
** Yeah, I Googled "sex" and it turns out that the general public are a bunch of sick perverts.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Apparently It's almost Christmas!

I was flipping through a catalog (a Christmas catalog no less) I got in the mail the other day. This totally caught my eye.

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Nothing says "Sexy" like a lingerie PONCHO. And, it'll fit most people! You can almost not be too big to slip into this naughty number. Plus, the teddy bears on it give it that added 'zing'.

Anyways, this seems to be more 'normal'. It's a nice black dress. Maybe something you'd wear to the company Christmas party? Maybe something for New Years?

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Anyways, check out the "NOTE" at the bottom!

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How many semen stained dresses would have to be returned before they feel the need to put that in there?? I'm guessing 2, maybe 1, depending on the volume.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired September 3)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – No mention of the hurricane yet. I’m both confused and disillusioned. Maybe I don’t understand Jack like I think I do. Oh, it’s dated Sept. 3. Nevermind.

2:00 – Rexella says she likes the Amish lifestyle, which prompts Jack to tell an Amish joke! A father and a son take their cart into the big city.

“What’s that?” asks the son.

“Well”, says the father, “that’s a mall”.

Because they’re both curious (and for the joke to work) they both decide to go check out the mall. They walk in and they see an elevator.

“What’s that?” says the boy.

“I don’t know!” replied the father.

Anyways, an old lady steps into the elevator (we’re talking, like really, really old, and wrinkly, probably has a walker and still drives because she likes the freedom it provides) and the doors close, the numbers go up, then they go back down. The doors open and out walks a gorgeous 21 year old brunette.

“Quick!” exclaims the father, “Let’s go get your Mom”.

Amish people wouldn’t use a modern babe making machine though, so this joke doesn’t make any sense. Unless it was powered by a horse and some wooden levers. In that case it would be kind of funny.

4:00 – Now, to relate this to ‘real life’, Jack says that after we’re raptured (or I’m raptured, I imagine you’re all a bunch of sinners, so have fun in hell) our bodies are changed into a body just like the Lord’s. So ladies, if you’re thinking about a little ‘nip and tuck’, I’d recommend you save your money. God’s plastic surgery is free - the only downside is that he changes you into a middle-aged, bearded carpenter.

11:00 – Jack goes on a rampage about churches that try to liven things up with jazz and ‘fun’. He then says that fornication, one night stands, oral sex and the like are inundating our churches! Ummm, that’s not a chuch Jack, it’s a whorehouse. And that’s not a female parishioner you’ve been talking to, it’s a dirty whore.

18:36 – Proverbs 23 v20 says “be not among wine drinkers”. This confuses me, because, correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Jesus have wine at the last supper? I think he did, that bloody, vile sinner. No wonder we crucified him, he’s one of those “wine drinkers”.

20:00 – Jack freaks out about sex. Apparently one in five 14 years olds have had oral sex. About the same want to have it in the next 6 months and it’s all Bill Clinton’s fault. Actually, I don’t think it is Bill Clinton’s fault. It’s been about 7 years since the Clinton incident, so I can’t imagine they’ve been waiting since they were 7 to have oral sex. Personally, I blame Britney Spears, and rap music. And video games, nothing makes me crave the oral sex like a rousing game of NHL 2004.

Anyways, that’s it. No hurricane talk, I guess we’ll save that for next week.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Scrabble 101

Don't you hate it when you're playing Scrabble and all you can come up with are works like "IT", "IN" and "IS"? Well, if you agree, then you're pretty retarded, but not to worry, I've put together a little something I like to call, "How to Win at Scrabble!!"

Now look at this board. Notice that there is a triple letter score right beside that top "O".

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Now, because your vocabulary is so expansive, you know that "JO" is a word. (Don't worry about what it means, that's not important) You also know that "OR" is a word. That translates to 2 x 8 x 3 + 4 = 52 points!! For 2 letters! Other good words to know are "XI" and "XU".

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Now, the other secret to kicking ass at Scrabble is that you should always put one full word on the board, and make another word with one of the letters.

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This word is used quite frequently in Scrabble - ENZYMES. The "Y" turns "GOOD" into "GOODY" and it's also a 7 letter word. AND, as a bonus, it covers two double word scores!! This in total comes to 144 points. Not bad, not bad at all.

Now, applying the same strategy:

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You make "JO" into "JOT" and with the triple word score, you get a hefty 19 (the "K" is on a double letter) x 3 + 10 = 67 points.

Anyways, I'll leave you to work on those 2 skills, and then I'll move onto some more advanced techniques like "Palming Tiles", "Any Tile is a Blank if You Turn it Upside-down" and "Taking So Long To Play That Your Opponent Quits". Good luck!

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

A few things

Did you watch that US Open coverage of Sharapova vs. that homely Russian girl? What was up with that upskirt camera angle? Can they be any more obviously looking up women's skirts? I felt a little dirty watching it, and taping it, and watching it again and again.

I heard that Oprah was doing some hurricane coverage. She appeared shocked and disgusted by the situation in New Orleans. Then I heard that she went back to her cushy limo and drove to her fancy hotel where she slept comfortably on a mattress stuffed with billions of dollars. Those poor people. If only they had power they'd be able to watch their looted tvs and maybe they'd see that their grief and ruined lives are probably allowing Oprah to charge more for advertisments which just puts more money in her pockets.

I can't wait to see what Jack Van Impe says about this hurricane. This hurricane has it all - floods, fires, disease, alligators, looting, rape, killing, starvation and thirst. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that he believes it's a sign that Jesus is coming. So, forget all the relief efforts, stop wasting your time, Jesus is on his way. This is an exciting time to be alive! Or dead, it doesn't much matter. Drop those looted tvs and grab your dog, it's rapture time! (in case you didn't know, all animals will be raptured, so if you're a dirty criminal, you just have to hold on to your dog to get a free rapture pass.)

Friday, September 02, 2005

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

I am a Genius!

I have a cat.

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My girlfriend is allergic to the cat. Anyways, while watching tv a commercial came on for Febreze Allergen Reducer. It was an annoying commercial so I wanted to change the station. Apparently though, it was a commercial that I should be paying attention to.

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Now, this is probably the first time I've ever actually gone out and bought something solely because of a commercial I saw. (Unless you count that Axe body spray, because if that works like they advertise - DAMN!)

So, the idea is that you spray the furniture with the allergen reducer and it keeps the allergens from becoming airborne. Now, here's where me being a genius comes in. I could spray the furniture, but there's a lot of it so wouldn't it make more sense if I prevented the allergens from getting there in the first place???

Anyways, to make a long story short, instead of wasting it on the furniture, I just sprayed the cat. (Don't let that picture fool you she loved it!)

I saved myself both time and money as there's less surface area on a cat than on the entire friggin' house. The cat's not too happy, but you can't please everyone.

So, in closing, if you keep the allergens on the cat, you don't have to worry about the couch and the rug and the chairs and you don't have to vacuum all the damn time.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

2 Birds with one stone

I've been tagged by Lisa and a while back it was Jootastic. I typically don't do this stuff, for no reason other than the fact that everyone does it, you get the same stuff on every blog and it's not that original. Having said all that, I haven't had any time to think of anything else, so I bring you

7 THINGS I WILL NEVER DO

7. Join the circus. Working with animals might be cool, but carnies are creepy and I'm sure they'd try to steal my stuff.

6. Pick up a hitchhiker. Even if she were really hot, I'm sure there are hot women out there who'd cut me if given the chance.

5. Go hunting. I just don't see the point. I'm all about hiding in the bushes with a gun, but I tend to like to keep that local.

4. Participate in a polar bear swim (you know the ones where you jump in a frigid lake for no reason?) If someone were to ask, it might go something like this -

Person 1 - "Hey Paul, do you want to go jump in a frozen lake?"
Paul - "No"

3. Write a book called "The Hows and Whys of Auto Repair". I don't know anything about auto repair, and, if I did, I'm nowhere near ambitious enough to write a book.
2. Write and direct a movie and then cast Nick Nolte. I hate Nick Nolte.
1. All joking aside here, as sophisticated as it might make me look, and as cool as it might make me appear in the eyes of my peers, you'll never catch me sucking on a fag. No siree, cigarettes are gross.

10 Songs I'm Listening To.

Xavier Rudd (I don't know the titles, but they're all good.)

You're Beautiful - James Blunt. My sister went to Europe and brought it back for me. It's not bad.

Don't Go Away - Oasis. It's the greatest song ever.

Father and Son - Cat Stevens.

Fix You - Cold Play. Yet another song about Gwyneth Paltrow! It's good though, so I can look past those sickening details.

Morning After - Howie Day. His first cd rules.

Mr. Jones - Counting Crows. It's an oldie but a goodie. (Fuck I'm old)

Jolene - Ray Lamontagne. Lots of acoustic guitar and slow crap that I like.

Any song by Athlete.

The Obvious Child - Paul Simon. He's a genius.

Finally, to cap it all off, I tag you all!!! Muahahahahaha!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

I'm Back Bitches!!

My computer died so I've been forced to amuse myself doing other things (not that you perverts....nah, I'm just kidding, I've been doing that.) One of which has been to watch 2 seasons of the Dave Chappelle Show. Damn, I haven't heard the "N" word so many times since Mark Fuhrman was testifying. (Because I'm white I have to write "N" word, as if I said "Nigger" I'd be racist - I'm not though. I dislike all people equally - but, as George Orwell once said, some animals are more equal than others. He also said a bunch of stuff about 1984 that wasn't true though, so what the fuck did he know?) ANYWAYS, until my computer is fixed I'll be forced to waste my time sitting on my ass in front of the tv, instead of a computer - which is where I'm going right now. Later bitches.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Video Review!!!

Ok, since I’ve been reviewing Jack Van Impe for over a year, I decided that maybe there were other things I could review as well!!

I bring you Shakira’s new video called “La Tortura

LA TORTURA

00:01 – what’s that??
00:03 – eeeew gross!
00:05 – who the hell is that dude? Where the hell is Shakira?? I've wasted 5 whole seconds of my life here.
00:06-00:16 – this sucks. Get this dude off the screen! Man, it’s not even in English, I’m shutting this..o...f...f....
00:17 – HELLO!
00:18-00:23 – (not paying attention, trying to compose myself)
00:24 – 00:25 – DAMN! This might be the greatest video ever!

01:10 – 02:30 – Yup, this is definitely the greatest video ever.
Wow.
Damn.
Oh... my...
02:31 - This review is over. Ummmm, I gotta go, I’ll be back in a couple minutes.

03:47 – Phew, that was alllllright. I’m pretty sleepy now though, I think I'm going to bed. Oh baby.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 16)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Sometimes Rexella feels overwhelmed when she watches the news. I guess if I interpreted everything as meaning we're all going to die and rot in hell I'd be a little overwhelmed too. Dumbass.

5:00 – Oh get this. Jack has a message for this mess age. Fuck that’s clever.

7:00 – "America expects attack", poll claims. America also wants to know what Britney Spears had for breakfast and that Angelina Jolie's adopted kid calls Brad Pitt "dad" though. On an unrelated note, can you believe that Kaysar was voted back in? Like, oh my god, then, he gave up the HOH to that little lying bitch!?"

12:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! “Revelations Revealed” Did you ever wish you could understand Revelations like Jack? No? Me neither.

Hey, Jack just said because these videos are so great it was “Christmas in July”. I'm outraged because that’s not true. Jesus wasn’t born in July! Unless they’re referring to the secular materialistic version of Christmas where you exchange gifts and where you try your hardest not to think about Jesus, but that doesn’t sound like something Jack would endorse. I think I might send him an email complaining about this blasphemy. On second thought, it'd be easier to not send that email. Nevermind.

16:00 – There's some new “electromagnetic pulse” weapon being developed by some evil country somewhere and apparently it is one of the most dangerous weapons in the history of the world!! (It always amuses me how Jack is privy to foreign secrets) Jack mentions some ‘facts’ about this weapon, and even though I don’t know anything about it, I think some of Jack’s facts are wrong. I think the main purpose of this electromagnetic pulse weapon would be to knock out all cell phone transmissions so that all teenagers will be disoriented and won’t be able to be picked up by their parents after shopping all day at the GAP. Worried parents will clog the streets effectively shutting down the whole country, if not THE WORLD!!

19:00 – Rexella says that one of the greatest scientists alive today is Stephen Hawkins. I think she means Stephen Hawking. He says we need to start developing outerspace. The greatest thing about him saying that though isn't that he's a genius and that he thinks outside the box, but that when he talks he sounds like a robot.

Jack then goes on about earthquakes, and how the biggest earthquake ever will be when Jesus sets his foot down when he returns. "He splits the land from east to west." I figure it will be about a billion on the Richter Scale and that millions of people won't be raptured because they'll be trapped under tons and tons of rubble. Thanks a lot Jesus, you jerk.

25:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! “Revelations Revealed” It's like 10 hours of study! Apparently it’s easy to understand, but then again it would have to be - it’s one of the drawbacks of having a target audience of idiots.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Photoblogging III

Remember, I'm an artist, I take the greatest pictures ever (just like you). Having said that, take a look at THIS ONE!

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Steady, steady! Don't move!

FUCK!!(I think it moved)

How can you cut the head off of a friggin' skeleton? I think someone who doesn't know photography from a hole in the ground knocked my arm. It's the only plausible explanation.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

IMPORTANT public service announcement!!!

If you have kids who are allergic to peanuts, don't let them eat these ant traps.

Pass it along people. It can save lives. You CAN make a difference.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 9)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

00:15 – Yes! They’re going to talk about robots – or "robuts" as Rexella calls them. Ha! Robuts! That kills me.

1:00 – They’re talking about that Runaway Bride! Apparently she’s negotiating a $500 000 deal for the rights to her story. Well, you may not have known that she claims to be a born again Christian. Wait a minute though! Doesn’t Proverbs 31 talk about wives? Doesn’t it say “She shall do him good, all the days of her life?” I guess she’ll find out the hard way when Saint Peter kicks her runaway ass down to hell where it belongs.

3:00 - Rexella gives Jack a father’s day card, but of course Jack didn’t ever have children - just a cat. I guess he misunderstood when people would say he needed a little pussy. Man, the card whistles when you open it. Then Jack gets all excited and he and Rexella lean in for a kiss. Then I turn away in disgust because the thought of those 2 doing anything remotely intimate kind of makes me sick.

6:00 – Jack slams some televangelists. He says he doesn’t spend the ministry’s money frivolously. No, he spends it developing DVDs such as “Animals in Heaven”, “Beyond the Grave” and “Revelations Revealed”. Ok, maybe that’s not frivolous in the sense he means, but it’s still a waste. I think I’d prefer that he spent it on hookers and booze.

9:00 – They’re talking about Jerry Springer! Apparently he’s profane. (duh, really?) Jesus, Mary and God were guests on Springer as well! Damn, I wish I’d seen that one. Apparently Jesus was wearing a diaper and got into a shouting match with Satan. JERRY! JERRY! Jack says Jerry's day is coming, but I think Jesus appreciates hot teen moms who strip to support their obese mother’s cocaine habit.

12:45 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! It’s the last week, so it’s not too late! Actually, because this show is a month old, it IS too late. Suckers. This video asks ‘what will happen to murderers like ‘Stalin’, “Hitler” and the “9/11 Hijackers”. This pisses me off. I don’t care what you say, you can’t compare the 9/11 hijackers to Hitler.

16:34 – Israel develops an airborne car! So? That’s not hard. I imagine Rexella has made their car airborne a few times.

17:00 - An Indian scientist wants to develop headless humans to harvest organs. Jack is upset about this. We’ll see how upset he is about it when his kidneys crap out and he needs a couple new ones. What’s worse? Dialysis or some headless thing that makes you organs? Seems like a no brainer to me.

26:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! “What happens when I die?” people ponder. Well, I recommend that anyone who really wants to know this should just bite the bullet and stick their head in the oven. Then they should let me know how that turns out. Idiots.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Paul's Book Club!! (Not to be confused with Oprah's)

Don't read a book today!
This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club, don't read this book!

Well, the next book in my club is "Don Quixote".

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Well, imagine my surprise when I discovered that this book wasn't called "Donkey Hotey". Sure, I have a new book, but I can never go to that Chapters again. Plus, it's WAY too fat to bother with. It's like the Kirstie Alley of books. Even if it was about donkeys I still don't think I'd want to read it.

I don't care what Cervantes says, "Don Quixote" equals "Don Quicksote" in my book, classic or not, that's fucked up. Another thing, how the hell do you tilt at windmills? What the hell does that mean?

In closing, the next book in my club is Don Quixote. Join my club, don't read this book.

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

Paul's Book Club is having its first meeting next Tuesday at my house. Don't worry if you don't know where I live, as of 2 seconds ago the meeting was cancelled.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Pelicans are Ugly, and some other things about Florida.

"What will I do first?" I thought to myself.

This is a dumb question, as I immediately knew what I've wanted to do for oh so long. That's right, I was going to harass wild dolphins. First I'd say, "Hey dolphin, you're fat, ugly, and nobody loves you!" Then, before the dolphin could turn away I'd yell, "Hey dolphin, there's a reason your kind are relegated to the water, we don't want your kind on land with us. That's right! You're just a dolphin and that's all you'll ever be!" Then, just as I though he could take no more I'd say, "Hey, I think I saw your mom at Sea World, she sure is good at doing embarrassing tricks for dead fish!" Then I'd chuck a dead fish at him and say, "Hey! Do a trick like your mom!" Then I'd point, laugh, and start feeling pretty good about myself. Man, it'd be a great time.

As I arrived at the pier, getting ready for my tirade, I was horrified to see this sign.

(Which, is a pretty dumb looking sign. It seems to me to be saying this.)

I continued on to harass this ugly pelican, but it just wasn't the same.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

The last 2 weeks - Part 1.

I going to give a quick recap of the past 2 weeks.

I saw the Fantastic Four. It wasn't horrible, but it would have been better if the Fantastic Four looked a little something like this.

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What do I know though? Or maybe just call it the Fantastic One. That would negate the need for a lot of expensive special effects. One last thing, she definitely wouldn't be the Invisible Girl. No, no, the Fantastic One is never invisible.

I was also at the cottage for a week. Upon looking at my girlfriend's pictures, I noticed a lot of them are ass shots. I can't blame her though, I do have a fantastic ass.

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For those of you who are really perceptive, there's one picture that's different than the others. There's a prize for the one who gets it.

I was in Clearwater Florida for a week too, but that's for another day.