Sunday, January 30, 2005

NHL 2005

I would definitely buy this game, if it existed.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired Jan. 15)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

3:43 – Resolute Bay Winnipeg Canada!! There is apparently a strange light where no light was before. The Mayor says, “It could be a sign of the second coming. It used to be dark up there, but now there’s light.” Yeah, it might be Jesus, and it might just be the new street light they put up. Who knows?

4:00 - Apparently the bible says that “one soul is worth the whole universe in God’s eyes”. Hmmm, I guess that tells you how disposable our precious universe is in God’s eyes.

5:30 – There’s late breaking news from the Middle East!! Man it’s exciting! – I was going to write about it, but it just makes no sense, I’ll give you the gist of it though - Keep your bags packed! He’s coming. Grab that dog’s tail!

8:00 – They say that some elephants broke their chains and saved some tourists from the tsunami because they could sense it was about to happen. Now, I’m no zoologist, but I doubt that happened. If I were an elephant and I could break my chains, I wouldn’t wait for a tsunami to break free, I’d be trampling tourists left and right all the damn time!

The quake’s power was equal to one million atomic bombs!! (that’s 999 991 more than North Korea might have. More on that later). Rexella says it was like a scene from the bible (except that it really happened).

12:00 - THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! It’s called “Another Hitler Rising”. (I wouldn’t recommend it if you’re Jewish – just a hunch). You can still get the electronic bible too, if you’ve somehow managed to suppress the urge to buy it up until now.

16:00 - Jack says he wouldn’t want to be the president. That makes 2 of us, Jack.

20:00 – Again, we should pray for the President. North Korea could have nuclear material for 9 bombs!! Man, I’d feel a lot safer if they could get that down to about 5 or 6. Nine is just too many nuclear bombs.

28:00 - To keep your life in balance, lean on the Lord! Man, I can't think of anything snarky to say about that. Oh well, I'm going to go keep my life in balance by watching the end of "A Simple Life 3 - Interns." Nicole Ritchie is da bomb!

The Pressure!

Ok, under extreme pressure from my sister, I have made a list of the cds that I would keep if I could only keep 10.

In a very particular order.

1. Oasis - Be Here Now

2. Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds - Live at Luther College (counts as one)

3. Howie Day - Australia

4. Cat Stevens - Tea for the Tillerman

5. Radiohead - Ok Computer

6. Simon and Garfunkel - That best of cd...

7. Live - The Distance to Here

8. Wynton Marsalis - Baroque Music for Trumpets

9. Garth Brooks - The Hits

10. The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

Yeah, yeah, I know, where are Dion and the Belmonts you ask? Well, there's only so much room on the list...

Monday, January 24, 2005

Oh the Humanity!

Skiers, snowboarders and mountain rescue personnel call them "the White Death" - killer avalanches several football fields wide that can exceed 160 kilometres an hour and sweep away everything in their path. (Sounds kind of like a frozen tsunami).

Now, because we have all demonstrated that we love to give money to funds named after cool natural disasters, we'll assume that 5 people died, so 5/200 000 = 0.0025%. Now we'll assume that the tsunami fund raised $1 500 000 000, so we owe the avalanche fund $37500.00. Let's see it people, it's only fair.

While I'm on the topic of avalanches and tsunamis, who do you think would win in a fight? A tsunami, or an avalanche?

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

An Immoral Lawyer? Now I've Seen it All.

I think lawyers are pretty slimy on the best of days, but this is too much.

Hi, my name is Aitken Robertson. You might remember me from such cases as "Got off on a technicality after drunkenly hitting some school children" and "that guy was so drunk, it's a good thing the breathalyzer was out of calibration".

AR - "An accused person must be advised as to his rights to counsel without delay upon arrest or detention. Occasionally police do not provide the accused with their full array of rights to a lawyer. Did the police provide you with your full array of rights?"

Client - "Yes, umm, no, wait, I'm not sure, it's a little hazy, I was pretty drunk."

(Sorry that picture's a little blurry, I was driving at the time, and I'd just had 4 beers.)

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (Aired January 8)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:10 – Rexella comments that they get a lot of mail about people and their pets and families. The first part of the show is dedicated to Bill and Polly who were vacationing in Colorado. They were no more than 12 feet away when a pack of coyotes came and took their little kitty away. First of all, who takes their cat on vacation? PLUS, that cat must have been on a leash (as otherwise it would have taken off into the woods). Putting a cat on a leash in coyote country is kind of like putting your pet worm on a hook, dangling it in a lake full of fish and then being upset when the worm is eaten. The tragedy isn’t the poor cat dying, it’s that Bill and Polly are so friggin’ stupid.

2:30 – A trained rottweiler called 911 and then unlocked the door when help came! I wonder how many times that dog called 911 for no reason, and then opened the door for some Jehovah’s Witnesses.

5:30 – Jack says (for about the billionth time) that the animals will be raptured along with us. (good luck finding your raptured pet though. Take comfort in the fact that your pet will be in heaven, remember though, you won’t be able to find it. Then you’ll have to live for all eternity knowing that some other born-again son-of-a-bitch stole your cat.)

7:00 – Jack says that because some of you aren’t ready to be raptured, when the rapture comes, you’d better hang on to your dog’s tail, as that’ll be the only way in! (The bible says that you’ll be taken up to heaven in the twinkling of an eye, which is pretty fast, so I just recommend grabbing your dog’s tail all the time. If someone asks why you’re always holding your dog’s tail, just say, “See you in hell buddy, except I won’t be going to hell, because I’m holding my dog’s tail. Ha!” Rexella quickly clarifies that that’s not the way into heaven. Way to mess with the heathens Jack.

17:07 – Jack says that Avian flu could take 7 million to 10 million lives, plus all the deaths from AIDS, blah, blah, blah. (I was going to rant about this, but I already did.) Jack’s point was about the bible and pestilences, not about helping people though…

26:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! It’s the last week for Jack’s electronic bible. (actually, since this show is couple weeks old, it’s already too late, if you were dying to buy it, you’re SOL.) Rexella talks about a couple extra features it has, a calculator and a watch. Wow, what shitty features! It’d be better if you could play Tetris or some game you could gamble on, or really any game with a lot of bloody violence and mature subject matter.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Did you give to the Tsunami fund? I didn't.

Well, the Canadian Blogger Award voting is over! I lost! It wasn't close! Regardless, I don't feel the need to be funny any longer, so read this.

Globally, over one million people, many of them children under the age of five, die from malaria each year.

They hope to have a malaria vaccine by 2010. That's in 5 years. That's 5x1000000 = FIVE MILLION (many under the age of 5) dying in the next 5 years of malaria. Even with a vaccine, there's no way they'll be able to vaccinate everyone, and regardless, the vaccine won't be 100% effective. Why am I saying this? Because in a year, when the fad of giving to tsunami victims has passed and giving to charity isn't 'the thing to do' anymore and the resorts are rebuilt and the tsunami patrol are sitting on the beach with their binoculars looking for suspicious ocean activity, there will still be millions of people dying from malaria. A couple hundred thousand deaths from a more than likely one-time event has sparked an enormous amount of sympathy and desire to help, which is great, but don't the malaria children deserve that same sympathy and support? I say, while we're all still feeling charitable, set up a monthly withdrawl to some charity. You won't even notice it's gone, and if everyone does it, it'll make a difference.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Yahoo! It's a Boy!

Read this.

What if they'd met some other way??

Hello, my name is Lucian Toronto Sun Personal Ads Dragoman
Hello, my name is Lucian Arranged Marriage because Dad's Socially Retarded and Mom's Ugly Dragoman
Hello, my name is Lucian Had to get married because Pappa knocked up Mamma Dragoman
Hello, my name is Lucian Mom used to be married to Uncle John, but after lots of alcohol and some poor judgement one thing led to another and now Dad and Uncle John don't talk any more Dragoman.

(I'm not making fun of Romanians again, I just happened to find that story.)

Monday, January 10, 2005

Dating Etiquette...

How long do you have to wait after a separation until you can make a move? I'm just curious.

Pitt, 41, and Aniston, 35, have been together since being set up on a blind date in 1998.

How can a date between Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston possibly be a blind date?

Friend - "Hey Jen, I'd like to set you up on a blind date with my friend BRAD PITT"

Jennifer Aniston - "Oooh, a blind date! I hope he looks like Brad Pitt."

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired January 1)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Ooooh, there’s a special SE Asia report. I wonder what that’s about.

2:00 – Rexella says that we should pray for George W. Jack then goes on to say that he’s not a “mamby-pamby, wishy-washy wimp” Jack likes the fact that he takes a stand! You know who else took a stand? Custer - and he was wiped out by the Indians, but I think Jack was referring to Jesus, who, was, interestingly enough, also 'wiped out'. Hmmm, maybe there's something to be learned here.

4:40 – Rexella’s heart is burdened by the tsunami in SE Asia. There was ‘no warning’. Yeah, well, if you’re not looking for a warning, you’re not going to see it. Anyways, more importantly (and definitely more significantly) Luke 21:25 says “ Just before I return, nations will be in distress with perplexity in mass confusion because the sea and the waves are roaring.” And more even more important than THAT, is this. Of course Jet Li survived the tsunami, he can friggin’ float around in the air. He probably kicked that tsunami’s ass!

9:39 – Jack’s heart is heavy. Lots of people have died in the tsunami. Jack is going to pray for them. I guess it’s a small price to pay for a sign that Jesus is coming though. It’s both tragic and exciting all at the same time!

15:15 – Jack is getting pretty worked up about the fact that Macy’s and Bloomingdales’ workers were not allowed to say “Merry Christmas”. God forgive these hypocrites who profit from the very same Christ’s birthday that they’re not allowed to communicate!

15:40 – Jack says that ‘they’ want to keep the military out of the Boy Scouts because the Boy Scouts honour God in their creed. Now if only the Catholic church could keep their Priests out of their choirboys.

16:21 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! Jack’s electronic prophesy bible! Jack comments that it’s a secular company that produces this bible. (I wonder if their employees are allowed to say “Merry Christmas”.) Rexella says that if you want kids to read something, ‘just make it electronic'. I personally don’t think kids are that dumb. If you really want kids to spend time on something just tell them not to do it, or put it on a pack of smokes. “Cigarettes cause mouth diseases, that’s ok though, let’s praise Jesus!”

Anyways, I think that's enough...

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Don't you hate it...

Don't you hate it when you're standing in line at a store and you're invariably stuck behind some fucktard (I've seen that 'word' in 2 different places, so as far as I'm concerned it's a word, and if I were playing Scrabble, I'd use it - "Sure, I can use it in a sentence, 'Only a real fucktard would challenge that word'".) who takes FOREVER to get through? First there's a price check, then there's some discussion over why the price check is 'wrong', then it's fumbling through the wallet looking for a credit card, and then there are airmiles, and then you just want to bang your head into the wall.

Well, today that fucktard was me.

First, there was no barcode on the item, so there needed to be a price check, the price check wasn't answered so they had to do it again, THEN, if you apply for a credit card you get an additional 10% off, so of course I wanted to do that. I had to fill out a form. Then I had to listen to them blabber on about their crappy points program (where if I earn 10 billion points I might be able to get a shitty clock-radio). It took a good 10 minutes. The guy behind me only had one item, he probably wanted to kill me. I don't really care though, I'm sure he was a fucktard.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

It's not about the money...

It's about beating up on kids from another country. And Canada has proven to be the best.

Monday, January 03, 2005

Black and White pictures rule

All you have to do to make a photograph good is take it in black and white. If this picture had been in colour, it would just be a crappy picture of a stupid phone, sitting on some junk. In black and white however, it's 'artsy' and instead of being a boring picture of a phone, it's an emotional portrayal of loneliness, anticipation and lost love, or some other crap like that. The blurriness is an intentional artistic effect as well, umm, yeah, it ummm, reproduces how that phone might look through tear soaked eyes... (yeah, that'll do.)

Saturday, January 01, 2005

A Vote for Me is a Vote for Hilarity! Lower Taxes!

Anyways, I don't even know what exactly these awards are, nor do I know their significance. I imagine it'll come down to a popularity contest, and I'm not sure that this site is all that popular.

Having said that, the team who I have chosen (or appointed without their knowledge or agreement) to help me rise to victory (and will receive all of the blame if I lose) consists of -

Campaign Manager - Treehugger

Deputy Director of International and Foreign Relations - Samara


Senior Deputy Director for Russian, Ukraine and Eurasian Affairs - Filmgoerjuan

Treehugger has been reading this for a while now, and I always appreciate his comments (mainly because he thinks I'm funny).
Samara has been a regular for a while now too. Also, they were the only ones who actually responded to the whole campaign manager post (Technically speaking, Samara is the only one who actually meets the campaign manager criteria, but, whatever).
And Filmgoerjuan has been a supporter for a while now too.

So congratulations on this most distinguished of honours, suckers!