Monday, April 30, 2007

Paul's Book Club (not to be confused with Oprah's)

Don't read a book today!
This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club, don't read this book!

Well, it has been a while since I announced my last book club selection, and for that I apologize. I hope nobody went and did something silly like read something.

The next book in my club is "Madame Bovary" by Gustave Flaubert.
Now this book is a little different than some of my other selections. I know absolutely nothing about this book/story (other than the fact that I don't want to read it.) I basically chose this book because "Bovary" sounds like "Ovary" which makes me laugh. Couldn't Gustave Flaubert have come up with a better name than "Bovary"?? Like maybe "Madame Ballopian Tube" or "Madame Blabia". Madame Blabia is a good name, no? Madame Bervix?

Sometimes I think "Maybe I'm missing out on some great works of fiction by not reading these books." Madame Bovary has some "Modern Critical Comments" at the back, that, maybe if I read them, they'd spark some interest in actually reading the book, and maybe, just maybe, I'd enjoy it and learn something. Unfortunately, I'm going to remain true to my book club and not read them. What kind of book club would I be hosting if I went and read stuff?

The next book in my book club is Madame Bovary. Join my club and don't read it.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Playing Cards

I bet if you had a deck of cards with dinosaurs on them you'd think that Tyrannosaurus Rex would be the ace of spades. Well, if you thought that, you'd be wrong.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

"Fun" with Movie Plot Key Words

1 English Teacher, Graphic Violence, Rescue
2 Janitor, Television Station, Severed Thumb
3 Entrepreneur, Genocide, Compassion
4 Island, DNA, Eaten Alive
5 Park Bench, Vietnam, Table Tennis
6 Bitterness, Tango, Blind
7 Briefcase, Toilet, Idiot
8 Forbidden love, breasts, iceberg
9 New York City, Hearse, Marshmallow
10 Sex Appeal, Semi-Autobiographical, Music Business.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Free Speech and Don Imus (and Guns)

I don't get it. Why is it that Americans (fine, I'm generalizing) will stand behind their Bill of Rights and all the amendments when it suits them (ie they want to buy a gun) but they'll lynch Don Imus for exercising his first amendment rights? I don't watch Don Imus, and I doubt I could pick him out of a line, but shouldn't he have the right to state his opinion of a basketball team? Even if it's an offensive ignorant one? Isn't that what free speech is all about?

I haven't really studied the first amendment (nor will I ever) but I don't think it says that you have the freedom to say whatever you want as long as you don't offend anyone. Ultimately, being Canadian, I don't really care, I just think it's interesting that Americans claim to have the right to free speech when in reality they don't.

*Update - Maybe the government hasn't censored Don Imus, so maybe he still does technically have 'freedom of speech' but there is a huge outcry from the American public over something he said. Maybe the government hasn't censored him, but the public has, which leads me back to the point about Americans standing behind their Bill of Rights when it suits them.

In other news...

Some nut-job with a gun(s) walked onto a campus at Virginia Tech and shot a bunch of people. Some news station (MSNBC or CNN) said they got an email from someone saying something along the lines of - if more people exercised their right to bear arms then fewer people would have died (because the student writing their exam would have reached into their sock-holster and BAM! Problem solved.) Then, when that guy becomes a hero, we'd have a bunch of trigger happy wannabe hero nutcases shooting people on campus.

Gun toting student 1 - "Are you copying my paper?!"
Gun toting student 2 - "Ummmm, No..."
BANG!
Gun toting student 1 - "Ooops, he's not even in my class. My bad"
Gun toting student 3 - "Did you just shoot that guy who was copying my paper?! I was going to do it..."
BANG!
Gun toting student 4 - "That guy hitting on my girlfriend looks like a terrorist."
BANG!

Why is it so damn important to carry a gun? The main reason IS TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM SOME OTHER KOOK WITH A GUN.

Why do they have a gun?

BECAUSE YOU'VE CONVINCED THEM THAT THEY NEED IT TO PROTECT THEMSELVES FROM A THREAT THAT ISN'T THERE.

STOP IT.

NOBODY IS AFTER YOU.

The media is going to spread fear too. Universities aren't safe! Don't go there!

Maybe they're right. I just thought of something, I spent 5 years at a University and I wasn't shot once. Want to know the secret? Well, send me $10 and I'll send you my protection against gun toting nut-jobs. (All sales final. Product only 99.999% effective.)

Thursday, April 05, 2007

A Confession

My girlfriend and I watch reality tv. A lot of reality tv. "Why?" you may ask - I'm not sure. Having said that, here's what I think about reality tv right now.

Earl

Earl will win survivor. He seems to be most level-headed one on that show. I like Yau Man too, but he's too old and he'll be screwed later on.

Dustin and Kandice

Dustin and Kandice will win the Amazing Race All Stars. I kind of like Charla and Mirna, but one's a big bitch and the other is a midget, and I think those 2 things combined will cause them grief later on.

Stefani

Stefani will win the Apprentice. She's the most professional one left. The rest of them make me think I should be running my own company somewhere. If you can be a successful business owner and be a retard who can't run PowerPoint, then I think I'm in the wrong profession.

Blake

Blake will win American Idol. He's the only one who is talented and can make a song sound like it was sung in 2007. The 2 super talented black women are about 40 years too late to win I think. I don't think they're singing to the right audience and I don't think they'd sell any albums to anyone who watches that show.

Dionne

Dionne will win America's Next Top Model. She's not a bitch and a white girl won the last time, so it's time for a black model to win.

Anastacia

Melissa R

Anastacia Melissa R will be the next Pussy Cat Doll. This show kind of confuses me though because they have all these women who can sing and dance competing to be in a group where you don't need to do either. Only one Pussy Cat Doll can sing, and the 'dancing' is questionable. The rest just act like strippers. Finally, there are 6 Pussy Cat Dolls, 1 who sings, and the rest just prance around in skimpy outfits. The new one is going to be more famous (and talented) than the existing 5 background singers, which will probably just cause a bunch of infighting within the group. Maybe some hair pulling and girly shoving all the while wearing skin tight shorts and sports bras. Where was I again? Oh yeah, this show rules.

These 2 idiots.

These 2 will win Dancing with the Stars. First of all, he was in a boy band where he danced a lot. Probably unfair to the rest of the chumps on the show because he has some dancing background. AND he has 2 legs, which is a pretty big advantage. I really struggle with watching this show because it's just so bad. It's also funny that his name is Fatone. Ha. Fat One. Justin Timberlake is a huge mega star and the Fat One is dressing like Obi Wan on Dancing with the Stars. Someone should fire their agent.

There you have it. My thoughts on reality tv.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Forget about hailing the Jesus Chimp

It turns out that the Jesus Chimp is no more than a run-of-the-mill shit throwing monkey. I'm so disappointed.