Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Of Dollars and $ense

What's up with American money? It all looks the same.
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Canadian money is so much better. (insert blatantly obvious joke about Canadian money being less valuable than American money here...no, really, go ahead. There you go! How original!)

Anyways, why don't we compare some Canadian money to its American counterpart?
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Look at how big that twenty is! It's huge!! It's also green, which distinguishes it from other bills, like the ten and the five if for some reason you can't see that huge number on it. It also has a nifty little hologram on the side. It costs us $30 to print that bill, but that's ok, you don't want to lose money on counterfeits. (actually, I have no idea how much it costs to print that money, I hope it's less than $20)
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Here's a couple more. Look at the size of the numbers! You can't miss them, plus, with the different colours, you can't give someone a twenty, thinking it's a ten or a ten thinking it's a five. (I'd have put a picture of a five up, but I don't waste my time with the small bills.)

On the down-side, there's braille in the upper right corner of the bills, so you can't stiff blind people if you ever find yourself giving them change. That's a pretty important to know - if your schtick is giving blind people the wrong change, then don't come to Canada. I recommend trying China, or Mexico.

We don't have 1 and 2 dollar bills anymore. We phased those out for the much more annoying coins.
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We have the loonie (which as a loon on it) and a twoonie, which has a polar bear on it. Polar bears roam around all the time in Canada, in fact, I just saw one at the corner when I was going to get my morning cup of maple syrup.

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And, finally, because I'm tired, we have the nickel. How do you get the queen on a nickel to smile? Turn it over and rub the beaver (click to enlarge). Ha....ha...ha... How do you get whoever it is on the American nickel to smile? Who knows, and frankly, I don't care. Beaver! Ha, that's rich.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Batman Begins...

(Opening credits)

Hey, this looks pretty cool, but I'm pretty tired, I hope I can stay awake...

(a while later)

Hellllo Katie Holmes!

(boring dialogue - uh oh, my eyes are getting heavy....must... stay... awake)

Cool! Batman is flying around kicking some ass...now..... he's..... playing baseball in his pajamas...What the hell?? FUCK, I'm asleep! I paid good money to see this, and I'm sleeping. Ha! Batman just hit a homerun. Way to go Batman!

loud noise

(Back in the movie theatre) - Woah, there's Morgan Freeman. Where the hell did he come from? What the hell is going on?

Uh oh, it's a slow scene...Katie's back though, but eyes...getting...heavy.
What's that Katie? You want me? Huh? Really? Katie, what are you doing? Oh, I see. Don't worry about Batman, he's off somewhere playing baseball.

loud noise, people moving around

Huh, what? Oh, people are leaving.


Overall, I'd say Batman Begins was pretty good, especially the part where Katie Holmes seduced me and we had wild passionate sex. Yeah, especially that part.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Check this out.

I guess I'm flattered, but part
of me still wants
to kick his ass for
copying my post.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Caveat Emptor

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I was reading Blex's blog
and I came across this picture. The first thing I thought was that that
kid is probably getting a nose-full of ass. Then after that I was thinking
that if that were me, I'd sell that bike seat on eBay.
I'd say, "One bike seat, never been in contact with sweaty bike
shorts, $50.00 OBO" Then about a year later I'd send that picture
to the guy who bought it and say, "How's that seat working out for you?
It really bothered my hemorrhoids so I had to give it up."

If only I had hemorrhoids.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Fake story about made up kids #1.

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"Hey Dad", the boy said. "Why don't spiders stick to their own webs?"

"Well", I said, "You see, spiders use 2 different kinds of silk when they make their webs, one is sticky, one isn't. The spider knows which isn't sticky, so that's the one it steps on."

"Wow, Dad, you sure do know a lot." said the boy.

"I sure, do." I replied, "I sure do."

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Update on New Year's Resolutions (Part 2)

Well, Now I'll update you on the sitcom.

It's a work in progress, but I call it, "The Nuclear Family" and it's all about a family who lives inside a nuclear reactor. Actually, it's just a husband and wife, because it's hard to reproduce when your gonads have been shriveled up by massive amounts of radiation.

Wife - "Hey dear, I think it's time we thought about children"

Husband - "Ummm, hello???" (pointing at crotch) "Remember the shriveled gonads??"

(cue laugh track)

I imagine it'll only last a couple shows as I think they'd die of radiation sickness pretty quickly. I'd want to keep it as realistic as possible so the viewing audience can relate.

I have a pretty good feeling about this one.

Friday, June 17, 2005

What's the story, Morning Glory?

like, what the fuck you lookin' at, you know, like, come on, fuck, twat, fuck

I hope those fookin' bastards show up.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired June 4)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Rexella says that more and more people don’t want to watch the news anymore; it’s all ‘doom and gloom’. Hey Rexella, what was the point of your show again? Oh yeah, we’re going to die a horrible death and then rot in hell. Thanks.

5:00 – Jack gets excited because France and Holland rejected the new EU constitution. Apparently, according to Daniel 7v7, 8, 20 and 24, this means that Jesus is coming quicker than expected. Ha! Even Jesus comes quicker than expected sometimes. Poor bastard.

8:20 – Jack scorns the replacement theologists. Those crazy bastards say the word “Israel” should be replaced by “the church”, “Jerusalem” replaced by “heaven” and “Jesus” gets replaced by “Kool Mo Dee”. Luke 2v21 becomes “A week later, when the time came for the baby to be circumcised, he was named Kool Mo Dee, the name which the angel had given him before he had been conceived.”

12:30 – The first of a new sign! Cloning! They talk about mixing humans and animals! Jack is pretty excited about this because Rev 9v7 talks about horses with the heads of humans! Now Jack’s talking about cloning mice with human brains, which (according to Jack) would produce a mouse that could produce human babies!! (not quite Jack, human babies are bigger than mice, that mouse would explode) Jack says he doesn’t understand, but ‘that’s what the scientists say’! He then goes on to say that they could produce a dog who thinks exactly like a man!

15:00 - Not only that! They could put a human brain inside a chimpanzee!! That’d be awesome, then you could hire those monkeys to work for Subway, pay them less than minimum wage AND you’d probably have fewer hairs in your sub.

16:00 – 18:12 – Whoa. I strongly urge you to listen to this part. It's so funny. This rant makes NO SENSE!! Really, I think he forgot to take his medication before the show.

18:30 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!!! Beyond the Grave! What happens after you die?? Well, you rot in a box, or if you’re lucky, you get stuffed in an oven and burned, or at least that's what I'd put in a video if I were making one.

24:00 - The astronomers tell us that there are 100 000 000 000 different worlds! The bible teaches this, so it’s ok to believe it. Just don't ask those same scientists how old the earth is, because then they're heathens that should be burned at the stake.

27:00 - Rexella leaves us with this "Life is fragile, so handle it with prayer". Ha, that’s a play on handle it with care, I get it…

Monday, June 13, 2005

Update on New Year's Resolutions (Part 1)

Well, it's now 6 months into the year, so I thought I'd update you all on my New Year's Resolutions.

I did indeed join the gym. Seriously, I'm huge.

Anyways, funny story about the gym. Well, the other day when I was pumping iron, the strangest thing happened. There I was doing my thing, and across the room I saw the finest looking man ever. I kind of found myself staring. Having never been so impressed or 'attracted' to someone of the same sex before it kind of made me feel uncomfortable. I couldn't help but notice that he was looking at me as well. My pulse quickened. "What is happening here?", I thought. I quickly shifted my gaze, as did he. I continued with my sets, but found myself thinking about that other man. I glanced around again, and there he was, again, looking at me. I reached down to grab my water, and he did as well, at the exact same time. Then I noticed that he was wearing the same shirt as I was, and the same shoes. Then I remembered that gym is full of mirrors. Then I thought, "Damn Paul, you look fine", then I thought, "Phew, I'm not gay."

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Canis Lupus

Image hosted by Photobucket.com"Gray wolves (canis lupus) are carnivores. They hunt prey on their own, in packs, steal the prey of other predators, or scavenge carrion. Prey is located by chance or scent. Animals included in the diet of gray wolves varies geographically and depends on prey availability. Wolves primarily hunt in packs for large prey such as moose, elk, bison, musk oxen, and reindeer. A wolf can consume up to 9 kg of meat at one meal."

Sometimes I wish I had lupus because it'd be kind of cool to turn into a wolf.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Once Upon a Time...

"Come with me", she said and I followed her down the hall. She was stunning. Her eyes were so beautiful, I couldn't help but stare into them. This must be my lucky day, I thought. She must have been the most attractive one there.

"Sit down", she said.

I sat down, a little nervous about what was about to happen. It had been a while, and I wasn't sure what to say.

She was quiet, but I could tell she knew what she was doing. She sat down beside me; her penetrating gaze was almost hypnotic. She leaned over, her breasts just barely grazing my body. Her hands were busy, and she was gentle, she touched my lips, it was all happening so fast. Twenty minutes later she was finished, and in came the Asian girl. They talked for a minute and then she took her turn with me while the other watched.

To make a long story short, it was the best damn trip to the dentist EVER! It was so great I stopped by the whore-house on the way home.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired May 14)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Jack has lost 60 pounds!! No more Snickers, no more Lays. He was torn between two bible passages: Proverbs 23:2 which says, “Put a knife to throat if thou be a man given to appetite” and Proverbs 11:25 which says “the liberal soul shall be made fat.” I have an idea, why not use the passage that says, “don’t take what the bible says so literally, you fat piece of shit”??

Well regardless, Jack says that because Jesus is coming he wanted to lose the weight because he didn’t want old Jesus to have to carry him up with a crane. Ha! Take that all you fat people, Jesus isn’t a crane operator, so lay off the donuts!

We also find out that Jack and Rexella never procreated. Hmmm, why doesn't that surprise me?? If they did though, I imagine it would look a little something like this.

Anyways, the website is down, so I can’t watch the rest. You should watch though next week, it’s getting pretty close to Jesus time! He’s coming!

June 6, 1944

Omaha Beach

Omaha Beach

Juno Beach

Sometimes, while I'm sitting around bitching about having to go to work and how the gas companies are screwing me, I realize that it's not all that bad. I'm not being asked to put my life on the line and do ridiculously dangerous things to stop something I or my country had no part in starting.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Memes!! What the hell does that mean??

Ok, I know that these "memes" as they're called are all over the place, and hell, I did one, once, but I was young and stupid, and I didn't really know what I was doing. Anyways, now they're everywhere and it has to stop! I go to my favourite blogs expecting something fresh and original, and what do I get?

If I could be a painter...

Who thought that was an interesting question? Who CAN'T be a painter? Do you have 1 arm and can you move it?? Yes?? Then you could be a painter. Most people CHOOSE not to be painters, well, because it would be a shitty job.

I hated those chain emails that tried to convince you that if you forwarded the message on you'd have eternal happiness, or even better, free clothes from the GAP! Well, did anyone ever get those clothes? That's right, nobody did (except the brother of a friend of my cousin, swear to God it's true).

Anyways, in closing please, for the love of God, forward this message along to 5 of your friends and post it on your blog, trust me, the blogosphere will thank you.