Tuesday, August 30, 2005

I am a Genius!

I have a cat.

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My girlfriend is allergic to the cat. Anyways, while watching tv a commercial came on for Febreze Allergen Reducer. It was an annoying commercial so I wanted to change the station. Apparently though, it was a commercial that I should be paying attention to.

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Now, this is probably the first time I've ever actually gone out and bought something solely because of a commercial I saw. (Unless you count that Axe body spray, because if that works like they advertise - DAMN!)

So, the idea is that you spray the furniture with the allergen reducer and it keeps the allergens from becoming airborne. Now, here's where me being a genius comes in. I could spray the furniture, but there's a lot of it so wouldn't it make more sense if I prevented the allergens from getting there in the first place???

Anyways, to make a long story short, instead of wasting it on the furniture, I just sprayed the cat. (Don't let that picture fool you she loved it!)

I saved myself both time and money as there's less surface area on a cat than on the entire friggin' house. The cat's not too happy, but you can't please everyone.

So, in closing, if you keep the allergens on the cat, you don't have to worry about the couch and the rug and the chairs and you don't have to vacuum all the damn time.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

2 Birds with one stone

I've been tagged by Lisa and a while back it was Jootastic. I typically don't do this stuff, for no reason other than the fact that everyone does it, you get the same stuff on every blog and it's not that original. Having said all that, I haven't had any time to think of anything else, so I bring you


7. Join the circus. Working with animals might be cool, but carnies are creepy and I'm sure they'd try to steal my stuff.

6. Pick up a hitchhiker. Even if she were really hot, I'm sure there are hot women out there who'd cut me if given the chance.

5. Go hunting. I just don't see the point. I'm all about hiding in the bushes with a gun, but I tend to like to keep that local.

4. Participate in a polar bear swim (you know the ones where you jump in a frigid lake for no reason?) If someone were to ask, it might go something like this -

Person 1 - "Hey Paul, do you want to go jump in a frozen lake?"
Paul - "No"

3. Write a book called "The Hows and Whys of Auto Repair". I don't know anything about auto repair, and, if I did, I'm nowhere near ambitious enough to write a book.
2. Write and direct a movie and then cast Nick Nolte. I hate Nick Nolte.
1. All joking aside here, as sophisticated as it might make me look, and as cool as it might make me appear in the eyes of my peers, you'll never catch me sucking on a fag. No siree, cigarettes are gross.

10 Songs I'm Listening To.

Xavier Rudd (I don't know the titles, but they're all good.)

You're Beautiful - James Blunt. My sister went to Europe and brought it back for me. It's not bad.

Don't Go Away - Oasis. It's the greatest song ever.

Father and Son - Cat Stevens.

Fix You - Cold Play. Yet another song about Gwyneth Paltrow! It's good though, so I can look past those sickening details.

Morning After - Howie Day. His first cd rules.

Mr. Jones - Counting Crows. It's an oldie but a goodie. (Fuck I'm old)

Jolene - Ray Lamontagne. Lots of acoustic guitar and slow crap that I like.

Any song by Athlete.

The Obvious Child - Paul Simon. He's a genius.

Finally, to cap it all off, I tag you all!!! Muahahahahaha!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

I'm Back Bitches!!

My computer died so I've been forced to amuse myself doing other things (not that you perverts....nah, I'm just kidding, I've been doing that.) One of which has been to watch 2 seasons of the Dave Chappelle Show. Damn, I haven't heard the "N" word so many times since Mark Fuhrman was testifying. (Because I'm white I have to write "N" word, as if I said "Nigger" I'd be racist - I'm not though. I dislike all people equally - but, as George Orwell once said, some animals are more equal than others. He also said a bunch of stuff about 1984 that wasn't true though, so what the fuck did he know?) ANYWAYS, until my computer is fixed I'll be forced to waste my time sitting on my ass in front of the tv, instead of a computer - which is where I'm going right now. Later bitches.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Video Review!!!

Ok, since I’ve been reviewing Jack Van Impe for over a year, I decided that maybe there were other things I could review as well!!

I bring you Shakira’s new video called “La Tortura


00:01 – what’s that??
00:03 – eeeew gross!
00:05 – who the hell is that dude? Where the hell is Shakira?? I've wasted 5 whole seconds of my life here.
00:06-00:16 – this sucks. Get this dude off the screen! Man, it’s not even in English, I’m shutting this..o...f...f....
00:17 – HELLO!
00:18-00:23 – (not paying attention, trying to compose myself)
00:24 – 00:25 – DAMN! This might be the greatest video ever!

01:10 – 02:30 – Yup, this is definitely the greatest video ever.
Oh... my...
02:31 - This review is over. Ummmm, I gotta go, I’ll be back in a couple minutes.

03:47 – Phew, that was alllllright. I’m pretty sleepy now though, I think I'm going to bed. Oh baby.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 16)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Sometimes Rexella feels overwhelmed when she watches the news. I guess if I interpreted everything as meaning we're all going to die and rot in hell I'd be a little overwhelmed too. Dumbass.

5:00 – Oh get this. Jack has a message for this mess age. Fuck that’s clever.

7:00 – "America expects attack", poll claims. America also wants to know what Britney Spears had for breakfast and that Angelina Jolie's adopted kid calls Brad Pitt "dad" though. On an unrelated note, can you believe that Kaysar was voted back in? Like, oh my god, then, he gave up the HOH to that little lying bitch!?"

12:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! “Revelations Revealed” Did you ever wish you could understand Revelations like Jack? No? Me neither.

Hey, Jack just said because these videos are so great it was “Christmas in July”. I'm outraged because that’s not true. Jesus wasn’t born in July! Unless they’re referring to the secular materialistic version of Christmas where you exchange gifts and where you try your hardest not to think about Jesus, but that doesn’t sound like something Jack would endorse. I think I might send him an email complaining about this blasphemy. On second thought, it'd be easier to not send that email. Nevermind.

16:00 – There's some new “electromagnetic pulse” weapon being developed by some evil country somewhere and apparently it is one of the most dangerous weapons in the history of the world!! (It always amuses me how Jack is privy to foreign secrets) Jack mentions some ‘facts’ about this weapon, and even though I don’t know anything about it, I think some of Jack’s facts are wrong. I think the main purpose of this electromagnetic pulse weapon would be to knock out all cell phone transmissions so that all teenagers will be disoriented and won’t be able to be picked up by their parents after shopping all day at the GAP. Worried parents will clog the streets effectively shutting down the whole country, if not THE WORLD!!

19:00 – Rexella says that one of the greatest scientists alive today is Stephen Hawkins. I think she means Stephen Hawking. He says we need to start developing outerspace. The greatest thing about him saying that though isn't that he's a genius and that he thinks outside the box, but that when he talks he sounds like a robot.

Jack then goes on about earthquakes, and how the biggest earthquake ever will be when Jesus sets his foot down when he returns. "He splits the land from east to west." I figure it will be about a billion on the Richter Scale and that millions of people won't be raptured because they'll be trapped under tons and tons of rubble. Thanks a lot Jesus, you jerk.

25:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! “Revelations Revealed” It's like 10 hours of study! Apparently it’s easy to understand, but then again it would have to be - it’s one of the drawbacks of having a target audience of idiots.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Photoblogging III

Remember, I'm an artist, I take the greatest pictures ever (just like you). Having said that, take a look at THIS ONE!

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Steady, steady! Don't move!

FUCK!!(I think it moved)

How can you cut the head off of a friggin' skeleton? I think someone who doesn't know photography from a hole in the ground knocked my arm. It's the only plausible explanation.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

IMPORTANT public service announcement!!!

If you have kids who are allergic to peanuts, don't let them eat these ant traps.

Pass it along people. It can save lives. You CAN make a difference.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 9)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

00:15 – Yes! They’re going to talk about robots – or "robuts" as Rexella calls them. Ha! Robuts! That kills me.

1:00 – They’re talking about that Runaway Bride! Apparently she’s negotiating a $500 000 deal for the rights to her story. Well, you may not have known that she claims to be a born again Christian. Wait a minute though! Doesn’t Proverbs 31 talk about wives? Doesn’t it say “She shall do him good, all the days of her life?” I guess she’ll find out the hard way when Saint Peter kicks her runaway ass down to hell where it belongs.

3:00 - Rexella gives Jack a father’s day card, but of course Jack didn’t ever have children - just a cat. I guess he misunderstood when people would say he needed a little pussy. Man, the card whistles when you open it. Then Jack gets all excited and he and Rexella lean in for a kiss. Then I turn away in disgust because the thought of those 2 doing anything remotely intimate kind of makes me sick.

6:00 – Jack slams some televangelists. He says he doesn’t spend the ministry’s money frivolously. No, he spends it developing DVDs such as “Animals in Heaven”, “Beyond the Grave” and “Revelations Revealed”. Ok, maybe that’s not frivolous in the sense he means, but it’s still a waste. I think I’d prefer that he spent it on hookers and booze.

9:00 – They’re talking about Jerry Springer! Apparently he’s profane. (duh, really?) Jesus, Mary and God were guests on Springer as well! Damn, I wish I’d seen that one. Apparently Jesus was wearing a diaper and got into a shouting match with Satan. JERRY! JERRY! Jack says Jerry's day is coming, but I think Jesus appreciates hot teen moms who strip to support their obese mother’s cocaine habit.

12:45 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! It’s the last week, so it’s not too late! Actually, because this show is a month old, it IS too late. Suckers. This video asks ‘what will happen to murderers like ‘Stalin’, “Hitler” and the “9/11 Hijackers”. This pisses me off. I don’t care what you say, you can’t compare the 9/11 hijackers to Hitler.

16:34 – Israel develops an airborne car! So? That’s not hard. I imagine Rexella has made their car airborne a few times.

17:00 - An Indian scientist wants to develop headless humans to harvest organs. Jack is upset about this. We’ll see how upset he is about it when his kidneys crap out and he needs a couple new ones. What’s worse? Dialysis or some headless thing that makes you organs? Seems like a no brainer to me.

26:00 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! “What happens when I die?” people ponder. Well, I recommend that anyone who really wants to know this should just bite the bullet and stick their head in the oven. Then they should let me know how that turns out. Idiots.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Paul's Book Club!! (Not to be confused with Oprah's)

Don't read a book today!
This is a little different than Oprah's club. I haven't read this book, nor do I plan on ever reading it. Join my club, don't read this book!

Well, the next book in my club is "Don Quixote".

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Well, imagine my surprise when I discovered that this book wasn't called "Donkey Hotey". Sure, I have a new book, but I can never go to that Chapters again. Plus, it's WAY too fat to bother with. It's like the Kirstie Alley of books. Even if it was about donkeys I still don't think I'd want to read it.

I don't care what Cervantes says, "Don Quixote" equals "Don Quicksote" in my book, classic or not, that's fucked up. Another thing, how the hell do you tilt at windmills? What the hell does that mean?

In closing, the next book in my club is Don Quixote. Join my club, don't read this book.


Paul's Book Club is having its first meeting next Tuesday at my house. Don't worry if you don't know where I live, as of 2 seconds ago the meeting was cancelled.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Pelicans are Ugly, and some other things about Florida.

"What will I do first?" I thought to myself.

This is a dumb question, as I immediately knew what I've wanted to do for oh so long. That's right, I was going to harass wild dolphins. First I'd say, "Hey dolphin, you're fat, ugly, and nobody loves you!" Then, before the dolphin could turn away I'd yell, "Hey dolphin, there's a reason your kind are relegated to the water, we don't want your kind on land with us. That's right! You're just a dolphin and that's all you'll ever be!" Then, just as I though he could take no more I'd say, "Hey, I think I saw your mom at Sea World, she sure is good at doing embarrassing tricks for dead fish!" Then I'd chuck a dead fish at him and say, "Hey! Do a trick like your mom!" Then I'd point, laugh, and start feeling pretty good about myself. Man, it'd be a great time.

As I arrived at the pier, getting ready for my tirade, I was horrified to see this sign.

(Which, is a pretty dumb looking sign. It seems to me to be saying this.)

I continued on to harass this ugly pelican, but it just wasn't the same.