Thursday, July 29, 2004

A Priest and a nun were in a car....

A priest and a nun were in a car...(I'm trying desperately to think of a joke, but I can't..)


A court in the capital Lilongwe handed down suspended jail sentences of six months with hard labour after the pair pleaded guilty to charges of idleness and disorderly conduct. The priest was reported as saying, "What's the problem??  I asked what kind of sex I could have, and I was told "Nun". 

Officials in the Roman Catholic Church, whose priests are barred from sex or marriage, declined to comment, but were secretly ecstatic because it wasn't an 8 year old boy.

Amen to that, brother.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 10)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 - Rexella receives a PhD in journalism!  Dr. Rexella Van Impe!!  Whoa, Jack receives his 15th degree in prophetical studies!!  Huh?  While they’re making up degrees, I think I should get a PhD in sitting on my ass.  Or maybe one in "making fun of prophetical studies".  Dr. Paul…I like the sound of that.

3:45 – The Jack Van Impe Prophesy bible!!  It’s an electronic organizer!  I need one of these.  The whole bible, Jack’s prophesy bible, the book of Revelations verse by verse, his 365 days of soul food for daily devotionals, his A-Z of Prophesy, his scripture memory program and 10385 bible verses that are coded are all in this little organizer.  Jack says he can’t believe that they contacted him and wanted to put all that into this bible.  That makes two of us, Jack. 

4:44 – It seems like people are eating out more and more.  Rexella says, “Whether it be Wendy’s or McDonalds, it’s always wonderful!”  Wow, what a sophisticated palate she has!

5:00 - Our bodies are the temples of God.  Keep ‘em clean for God.  Rexella's interpretation of that is eating at McDonalds and Wendy's.  I suppose having explosive diarrhea could possibly cleanse the body...  Do smokers go to heaven?  Yup, just sooner!  (Ha, that’s actually pretty funny.)

7:30 - Terry Nichols killed 161 people in the Oklahoma City bombing.  They’re letting him go because he became a Christian and they don’t believe in capital punishment.  This man deserves to die!  Exodus 20:13 says thou shalt not kill.  But wait a minute though, turn the page!!….  “He that smites a man so that he dies should be put to death.”  Well, that settles it.  Kill Terry Nichols too, and we'll kill the man who smote Terry Nichols, and then the guy who killed him, etc. etc.

9:40 – Lots of talk about AIDS.  I know where this is going.  Pestilences through the beasts of the field.  Jack comments on some dude who has AIDS and had sex with 200 women!  Man, I feel like crap.  A dude with AIDS gets more action than I do.

12:00 - OFFER OF THE WEEK – Skip ahead.  This sucks.

13:00 – Uh oh, something that breaks Rexella’s heart.  Oh, it’s about abusing children.  That is tragic.  Is this a sign?  Jesus said that he who violates a child should have a millstone tied to them and then to be thrown in the ocean.  Not a sign, but a good idea.

20:50 – No murderers have eternal life abiding in them!  Unless it’s murder under the guise of capital punishment, because, as we said before, God's all for that.

23:17 – Rexella says we can disagree without being disagreeable.  Maybe, but what fun is that?

28:00 – People who follow God, lead others in the right direction.  Yeah, the opposite direction.

Monday, July 26, 2004


Check out the mini-poll on the right.  I imagine I'll get tired of this pretty quickly...

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Serenity Now 2

Well, this rant is a day late, but in a span of about 10 minutes yesterday, 3 things really made me shake my head.  The first one was an article in the Toronto Sun about some sick fuck who assaulted, tortured and killed his wife, while their 2 children watched.  The story had to do with nailing various parts of her body to things and then pouring boiling water on her.  My question is this.  WHY IS THAT WORTHY OF PUTTING IN A NEWSPAPER?  Whoever approved that article for publication should be ashamed of themselves. 

If not publishing that is censorship, then some things should be censored. 

Plus, we know there are sick people out there and we know they occasionally kill each other.  It was in South America too, so it's not like it's warning people in the GTA.  Don't publish crap like that.  If anyone can give me a reason that that article should be in the paper, please do.  And don't say, "I like to read about stuff like that".  It's sick, disgusting, and society as a whole would be better off not having to read about crap like that.  Ask yourself this, why didn't they just write, "Man kills wife" and then leave out the details? 

The second thing was something along the lines of this.  Not exactly, because it wasn't a rabbit, it was a fake rock with some stupid writing on it that you're supposed to keep a key in.  My question is this:  Why not just leave the key in the lock?  A funny looking rock with writing on it?  Please, if I'm ever on someone's porch and I see such a rock (or bunny), I'm going back later to open their door, and put a little note somewhere in their house saying, "You deserve to have your stuff stolen, you moron."

And finally, I was buying some gum in a variety store, and while paying, my ticket stub for the Empire State Building tour I went on fell out.  The one dude behind the counter knew what it was, and we talked briefly about the subways in a certain city.  The other dude (about 18 years old) said, "Where is this?" 

Am I wrong in assuming you should know where the Empire State Building is?

Monday, July 19, 2004

Pets, yet again...

Well, the topic of the week seems to be pets, so here's another article.  For $1000/year, you can bury your pet in a pet cemetery.  (The article mentions Hong Kong, but I imagine there are pet cemeteries here)
I don't get it.  Am I that cold-hearted?  (Is there a by-law against burying the cat in the backyard??  If not, that's where they're going.)

The price also includes grooming of the dead pet, a coffin and a personalised tombstone, the report added.
Grooming the dead pet??  Why?  Because it's an open casket??  A coffin??  How much extra is a shoebox anyways??  I just bought shoes, if you want a kitty coffin, I'll sell you one (it's a Nike, a big name in kitty coffins).  If the dog is bigger, I suppose you could use a bigger box, maybe for a tv, or stereo (I hear the JVC line of doggy coffins is decent), or maybe an old blanket!!  Regardless, I have pet coffins of all sizes!!  Personalized tombstone?? 
"RIP little Sparky.  With the money you spent on this tombstone, you could have replaced him 10 times over"

"We are bringing pet owners a peaceful and garden-like environment where they can visit their pets at a serene resting place," cemetery director Gabriel Ho said.
Who visits a dead pet??  Visit the pet store, or humane society!  Get another freakin' pet!  I have an idea, bury the dog in the backyard, then you can visit him all the time for free!! 

Ho's animal-psychic sister Elaine will also be on hand so owners can keep in touch with their pets beyond the grave, the report added.
Right.  That'll speed up the healing process.  Plus, it's the dude's sister.
I've never mentioned this before, but I'm an animal psychic as well.  If you have recently deceased pets, let me know, and I'll contact them for you.
Paul (the animal psychic) : I see a cat.
Sad Mourner : Fido turned into a cat??
Paul : ...And right beside that cat is Fido!  Fido is humping someone's leg, peeing on the floor because nobody let him out, and barking for no reason.  Now he's begging for food, and wiping his ass on the carpet!
Sad Mourner : That's amazing!  You really do see Fido!  How is he??
Paul : HE'S DEAD YOU IDIOT.  That'll be $100 please.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

Join Millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired July 3)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.
1:00 - Oh, as we all know, Jack has been on a diet!!  Well, I didn’t know that, and I watch this crap every week.  I feel a little insulted actually.
2:50 - Jack has been to McDonalds (nice diet, Jack).  They offer a salad, water and pedometer (pronounced PEE-dometer) for walking.  Jack was proud of his weight for a long time because “The liberal soul shall be made fat” says Proverbs.  But, Rexella’s father then said unto him, some other verse that says, “Put a knife to thy throat if thou be a man given to appetite.”  So Jack immediately started dieting.  Then Rexella’s father quoted the bible passage that said, “If thou layest a hand on my daughter, I shall have to kick your bible thumping ass, mother fucker!” 
5:45 - One day we’re going to learn that Bush was right about the weapons of mass destruction.  Iraq moved all the weapons before the invasion.  Of course they did.  Just like everyone else will move them just before we don’t find any. 
President Bush - "We didn't find any weapons of mass destruction on that brand new golf course down the street, I checked myself.  Those crafty Iraqis moved them again!!!  They're always one step ahead!!"
9:00 - Keep your eyes fixed on heaven, because Jesus might be coming!!  I think that means you should walk around staring into they sky, because you don’t want to miss something like Jesus on a cloud.  Actually, if you walk around staring into the sky I imagine you’ll be paying Jesus a visit sooner than you think.
10:15 - Rexella says that there are one million prisoners in American prisons, but it is expected to increase to 6 million by 2015.  Rexella wonders if we’re building these prisons for illegal aliens.  I don’t think so, Rexella.  I imagine you’ll just deport the illegal aliens.  The prisons will probably be for those shifty legal foreigners.
13:00 - Good news!!  We’re the only generation who will get to heaven without dying!!  How exciting!!  Actually, it’s crap.  I don’t want to go yet,  I have some sinning yet to do!!  As great as heaven sounds, I doubt Jesus lets you have any fun.  
Jesus - "Let's play Pictionary!!"
Everyone else - "Pictionary is no fun, you can't draw, and there's only one clue.  How many different ways can you draw love anyways??"
14:00 - THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!!  Six!  The Mark Unleashed.  It’s full of suspense, it’s kind of like a science fiction story, except filled with truth!!  Man, I couldn’t have written that better myself.  “like a science fiction story, but filled with truth”.  So it’s kind of nothing like science fiction…
23:00 - So much gibberish here.  Ok, some passage says something to the effect of, “Come up hither” and then we’re brought up (to heaven) in the twinkling of an eye.  GE has measured the twinkle of a man’s eye at 0.11 seconds!!  (How or why they did this is beyond me)  Anyways, it’s 187 trillion billion miles to the 3rd heaven, so we’re transported 187 trillion billion miles in 0.11 seconds.  Sorry Jack, the Special Theory of Relativity says that can’t happen.  Not even Jesus himself can break the laws of physics!! 
28:00 - If you can’t hear God speaking, perhaps you should turn up the volume control, ON YOUR CONSCIENCE!
32:00 – Channel 4 news!  It seems like someone forgot to stop the VCR.  (I hope there’s softcore porn on after the news, please have softcore porn after the news…)
59:00 – Oooh, Albertson’s has Pepsi on, 2 twelve packs for $5.  That’s a pretty good price.  Watermelon for $1.97, you can’t beat that.
1:33:00 – The Tonight Show!!  I just thought of a riddle.  What’s the difference between Jack Van Impe and Jay Leno??  One is a dopey looking grey-haired guy with his own tv show who rarely gets a laugh, and the other is Jack Van Impe!!

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Ooooh, a request!

So, I don't think I'll make a habit of taking requests, but we'll see how this goes. "Hey Paul, why don't you write about cats and dogs??" Ok. Fine (clears throat).

Cats are better than dogs. You might ask, "Why?" Well, I'll tell you. Dogs are stupid. You can train a dog to chase a stick, and then throw that stick into traffic, and the dog will chase it. What's up with that?? Now, before you say, "But you can't even train a cat!". Well, that's true, but you're assuming that trainability is a good thing. It's not. It's an indication of a feeble mind that can be manipulated. Cats do what they want, when they want, and they don't really care if you're around. That's my kind of pet.
Egyptians thought cats were godly, and they mummified them along with their kings. What did the Egyptians do with dogs?? We don't know, because if you can build a huge pyramid out of massive rocks, you don't waste your time on a dog. Another solid point, tigers are bigger and stronger than (hmmm, I'm trying to think of a tiger-equivalent dog) dingos. Tigers run around the jungle killing and eating big animals, while dingos run around Australia eating people's babies. What kind of a sick animal eats a baby??
Now, before you attack my argument, I took critical thinking, and I know it's concrete. And, I also know that Egyptians mummified dogs as well, and they also used them for hunting (I can look it up on Google as easily as you can). Regardless, training a feeble-minded animal to serve humans makes it useful, but still stupid.
I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with dogs, I was just catering to a request to write about them.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004


Bastards owe me 2 books now!!!!

Jack has company in the nut-house!!

Well, what's sadder than being Jack Van Impe?? Well, being someone who wishes he were Jack Van Impe!!! Check out this "Load of Crap". I especially find this amusing. Now, if I were Jack, I'd sue this poor bastard's ass!! He's charging $8.00 for a booklet, that, I imagine he wrote after watching Jack's "Animals in Heaven" DVD. Now, maybe I'm a little pro JVI here, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this Terry James guy is a HACK!!

People who have lost pets know the heartbreak. I've written a sizable booklet on the subject because my family has lost pets, and many, many have asked me this question: "Do Our Pets Go to Heaven?" I must ask $8, which includes postage, etc.

No, you've written a sizeable booklet on the subject because you BOUGHT JACK'S DVD AND TOOK NOTES!!! I can't imagine that 2 nutcases independently came up with the "Animals in Heaven" idea. Hey Terry, "Thou shalt not steal"...does that ring a bell?? Oh yeah, how about this one, "Thou shalt not covet Jack's kooky rapture ideas".

Man, this is priceless too. There's too much to make fun of here. Regardless, you'll all know when the rapture takes place, because the updates to this site will stop. I can't update when I'm sitting in heaven with all your dead pets.

I'm not even sure if this is 'serious', although there's a lot of information here for it not to be.

Uh oh. They have a message board. I think I might have to join...

Monday, July 12, 2004

Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!!! (aired June 26)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 - Oh boy! Two jokes! The first one: An 85 year old woman in a nursing home is desperate for a date. She says to another old man, “If you can guess what I have in my hand, I’ll go out with you.” The old man says, “An elephant!!”. “Close enough!” says the old woman. Ha. That’s…pretty…funny. If she were that desperate, she wouldn’t make the guy guess at all. She'd just say, “You look like my 5th husband.” “Oh?” the man would say, “How many husbands have you had?”. The response?? Four!! Ha! That dirty old woman! (see how I merged the 2 jokes into one?? Pretty clever eh??)

3:00 – some schmultz about love. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all about the love, but this bit is too much.

3:20 – Rexella thanks God for America. (Ok, I’m getting angry now…) Thank God that a country like America exists. Thank God that only a select percentage of people live there. Thank God that some poor saps live in poor war torn countries. Thank God that these poor countries don’t put up much of a fight when America decides they want to bomb the hell out of them for their natural resources. “Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord.” Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord??. Now, this WHOLE SHOW basically lists a bunch of reasons why God isn’t the Lord of Jack’s nation anymore. Jack, you say stupid things like “Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord”, but then spend half an hour describing reason after reason how the nation is straying further and further from God. Be consistent man!!

Oh great, a clip of Rexella singing God Bless America. Man, it’s painful.
Surfers and roller coasters are shown while Rexella sings. Seems a little hedonistic to me.

6:23 – Rexella hopes that blessed my heart. Well, if she means “almost made me puke”, then “yes, Rexella, that blessed my heart”.

OFFER OF THE WEEK!! See how far into the toilet Stephen Baldwin’s career has sunken!

17:15 - “Saved” the movie! Jack is not happy about this movie. He wishes that Christians were as extreme as the dudes who put the death threats on Rushdie. Now, this annoys me. Jack loves America, land of the free, home of the brave, where free speech and the right to bear arms means you can carry a gun and tell someone that Jesus was a homo and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. This movie is what America (the nation Jack so loves) is all about Jack!! Freedom of speech means you can make a crazy movie that will offend religious nutcases and everyone is happy! Except, of course, the religious nutcases, but who cares what they think! You can’t just go and hunt them down because they said a mean thing about Jesus.

19:23 – "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth." George Carlin has the filthiest mouth EVER!! He blasphemes like there’s no tomorrow. Uh oh, George Carlin is leading the blasphemers into the time of the tribulation! Again, freedom of speech means that George Carlin can say any filthy Goddamn thing he wants for Christ’s sake.

21:00 - Lots of talk about STDs. Apparently 1 in 3 people in the states have some sort of STD. Why is that?? Because modern day teenages are a filthy, lusty, dirty generation who love the sex. 20 million have herpes! 40 million have genital warts! It’s dangerous to play with sin. I think Jack needs to realize that America is all about playing with sin. "Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord". Sorry Jack, your nation isn't blessed. You're going to hell with the rest of them!! You profit from America's greed and pride, and I'm sure that makes Jesus sad, so, you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem!! One last thing...Jesus was a homo :-)

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Pardon My Planet

I recently came across this comic at work, and I thought, "That's FUNNY!" so I cut it out and pinned it up in my cubicle.

People don't get it. Do you get it?

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Join Millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired June 19)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:31 - Rexella reads some article about what it means to be a good father. It says that 'you need to take your children to church'. I think there's more to being a father than just taking your kid to church. Some might argue that pushing your faith on someone else and not letting them choose for themselves makes you a bad father. Some might argue that putting the fear of God into your young impressionable children is a subtle form of abuse. Not me though, I think church rules!

2:10 - Jack says his father was a night club owner and that he grew up in some of these 'joints'. I wonder if he met Rexella in one of these joints, it would explain the name. I wonder if her middle name is Sahara, or Alexis. Maybe Porsche, or Sapphire, or even Porshe-Alexis. He then, in not so many words, says his father was pretty strict, and didn't have any problems smacking Jack around when he got out of line. No worries though, he mellowed in his old age and he was filled with the spirit! Just like all those nights when Jack's dad would come home filled with whatever spirit he could get his hands on accompanied by some trashy hooker he stumbled across on the way home.

3:33 - Rexella congratulates the Detroit Pistons. Huh? Where did that come from? Well, Detroit wasn't greedy or selfish, they played as a team, and they won!! The Lakers were a little cocky. They were egotistical and it was time someone 'brought them down a notch.' Ok, here it is!! GOD HATES THE SIN OF PRIDE. The Lakers were proud, so God hates them, and they lost! Ha! Take that Shaq! Or should I say, SATAN!!! The only difference, I'm sure Satan can hit a free-throw. And Satan probably has smaller feet. Comparing Kobe to Satan? Like shooting fish in a barrel.

6:16 - Rexella says that Ronald Reagan stands out as one of history's great people. Reagan believed that Armageddon was coming!! And he might see it in his lifetime!! He was right! It came alright, I don't know if he saw it, but I did, and it sucked.

12:00 - The OFFER OF THE WEEK!! Blah, blah, still that stupid movie about the tribulation. Rexella asks if I noticed that Stephen Baldwin and some other movie stars were in it. Yes, I noticed Stephen Baldwin, but I didn't notice any movie stars.

15:41 - Math made easy by Jack. Sept. 11, 2001 - 10 planes were supposed to go up, only 4 did. Had the other 6 gone up then they would have hit the tallest buildings in California, Washington, the Statue of Liberty and hit all the nuclear plants. Ok, let's assume that there are 2 buildings in each of California and Washington, plus the Statue of Liberty, that leaves one airplane to hit all 65 nuclear sites in the States at the time. That would be one magic airplane. Maybe Al Qaeda has such an airplane!! Maybe we should all build bomb shelters and become overly paranoid trying to protect ourselves from such a weapon. That quiet guy down the street?? He's part of the magic airplane plot. Trust me on this one, get him, before he gets you!!!

17:00 - A bunch of gibberish about weapons of mass destruction. Blah, blah, blah.

27:00 - Finally, Rexella wants me to invite you all to watch the show. Ok, fine. You should watch the show. What the heck, buy the video while you're at it.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Oooops!! I'm a slut.

(Now before you get too upset, I think her boyfriend/fiance is a slut as well.)

Rumour has it that Ms. Spears may be pregnant. But don't worry, she plans to be married "well before the baby is born". Phew, that's a relief, having a baby out of wedlock is much worse than, oh, I don't know, getting knocked-up by a man-whore.