Sunday, December 24, 2006

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Worst Song Ever

The Christmas Shoes

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood.
(maybe if you didn't wait until the last second to buy stuff you'd be in a better mood, dipshit)
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing 'round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes.

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say,
(I could believe it. What do you expect from a dirty looking kid in a store? Do you honestly think he has money? I'd just go to another line, as you know it's going to take a while.

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
Did you ever think that it might make her smile more if you were physically there when she died? Maybe she was so sad that you weren't there that she died of a broken heart...
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.
What the hell?! Why is Daddy letting you run around by yourself? Where is Daddy? His name isn't K-Fed is it? Jesus is probably the name of the pool boy that mom is screwing on the side anyways.
Mom - I want to look good for Jesus tonight!
Kid - Why Mommy, are you sick??
Mom - Ummmm yeah, sick. Sick of your father...
Kid - What?
Mom - Nothing.

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
See?? Should have gone to another line.
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
Don't look at me, kid. I'm not a charity.
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes.
You should have thought about that before you tried to buy something with no money. Grown ups trade money for goods and/or services, so I suggest you either go ask your father for the money, or maybe get a job.

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
What? What does that teach the kid?
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama's gonna look so great.
Unless it's an open casket, it doesn't really matter

I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
By using a poor kid and his dying mother to remind you that you shouldn't be an asshole while you're in line buying an ipod and PSP3 that you really don't need? Heaven's love indeed. Why doesn't heaven love the poor kid with the sick mother?
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about

And what exactly did it teach you about Christmas? Some poor kid, with no money has a sick and dying mother and you buy him a pair of shoes and then feel good about yourself? What a great story! What about the kid? What does he learn about God's love? God doesn't love poor kids who beg for shoes. He only kills their mothers? Plus, Christmas is about the birth of Jesus, which, if I'm not mistaken, isn't mentioned in this song.

The choir of little kids singing at the end is really too much too. Fuck this song sucks.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Light my ass.

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Here you have hot chocolate. Mmmmm, so tasty.

What's that you say? "It tastes good, but think of all the calories?! Why can't they make a light hot chocolate?"

Well, fret no more, those crazy scientists did it! That's right, there does indeed exist a light hot chocolate!

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Now, how many high-priced chemist-type people do you think it took to come up with a light hot chocolate? (The light one is on the left - WOW HALF the calories!)

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President - How will we ever reduce the calories by half?! It can't be done! It just can't be done!

VP - Why don't they just put half as much powder in each pouch?

President - That's just crazy enough to work!

Fuck off President's Choice. It's just half the amount of regular hot chocolate (with less sugar, which I'm sure will make it taste like crap).