Saturday, March 24, 2007

A Report on Tigers

Inspired by Lisa's report on owls, I decided to report on tigers.

Heeeeeeey, Tigah

Tigers are cats. Some people say that curiosity killed the cat, but that's not true - it's really poachers. "Poachers killed the cat" isn't really a good saying, nor does it teach us any life lessons so you don't hear it often. The majority of the world's tigers now live in captivity. Many people believe that it's due to the aforementioned poaching and destruction of habitat, but the truth is, tigers are just lazy and would rather have someone else take care of them.

Tigers eat meat. Some animals that tigers like to eat are deer, wild boar, wild cattle, young rhinos and young elephants, and sometimes, even leopards, bears and Roy Horn. Tigers have been known to kill crocodiles on occasion. Of course they don't eat them, they typically just use the feet for ashtrays.

The word "tiger" is borrowed from the Greek word "tigris", which means "big cat not a lion". Greeks only thought there were 2 kinds of big cats. It's reported that when the Greeks found out about leopards they said, "fuck!" The word "leopard" is from the Greek "leopari" which means, "There'd better not be any more big cats". I won't even tell you where the word 'cheetah' comes from.

Some people think that sitting on top of an elephant is an easy way to avoid being attacked by a tiger. It's not. I've never sat on an elephant, and I've never been attacked by a tiger. Other notable people who haven't sat on elephants, and thus haven't ever been attacked by tigers are Wayne Gretzky, Tom Hanks and Heather Mills. Some people think that Heather Mills had her leg chewed off by a tiger, but they're wrong.

To summarize, tigers are cats and the ancient Greeks were pretty ignorant when it came to zoology. Sitting on an elephant is a sure way to be attacked by a tiger so I don't recommend you do it.

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