Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!!! (aired Sept. 4)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:10 – Jack loves labor day, and says we should be thankful for the work ethic in America. Thanks to the American work ethic, the court systems are bogged down with thousands of frivolous lawsuits, filed by morons who don’t want to work to earn their tvs, vacations and other hedonistic gadgets and toys that we all love so much. I personally think that Americans are pretty lazy, and want everything handed to them on a silver platter. But Jack is right to love labour day, after all, it’s a day off. Everyone loves labor day, except all the bums on welfare, because of course the liquor store is closed.

2:20 – Ooooh, a joke!! It’s about pastries. A woman says to God, “God, if you want me to have those pastries, you’ll get me a parking place right outside the bakery.” And guess what?? On the twelfth time around the block, God gave her that parking spot. Ha ha! I have a feeling that if God really wanted her to have that pastry, the parking spot would have been there the first time, but hey, God works in mysterious ways.

We then find out that Jack’s favourite breakfast is donuts. Rexella then shows a cartoon about “John the Baptist oatmeal”, which I honestly don’t get. Unless there are locusts in the oatmeal, but still, it’s not funny. AND, to make a long, dull, boring story longer, Jack then says that John the Baptist ate locusts and wild honey. WELL, (get ready, this is what all this has been leading up to) Jack says that he doesn’t want the locusts, but every morning he has Rexella, his wild honey. Now, I’m not sure what exactly Jack means by this, but I’m going to interpret it as him saying that he and Rexella have wild geriatric sex every morning before they get up to worship the good lord Jesus. (this part of the Jack Van Impe review has been brought to you by K-Y jelly, lots and lots of K-Y jelly.)

5:00 – Apparently we’re getting pretty complacent these days (with respect to our impending doom that is…). Jack says that we’re too busy laughing ourselves silly watching sitcoms to realize what’s going on. Well, maybe that’s true, I watched this one episode (you may have seen it) of Everybody Loves Raymond and Ray (he’s such a joker) did something stupid and inconsiderate and Deborah (get this!) got mad at him! Man, it was funny. THEN, Ray’s mother and father came over, and his dad said some mean things about the mom, who then said that Deborah couldn’t cook! Seriously, who can worry about the tribulation when Raymond is on??

13:30 – Everyone that loveth is born of God, he that loveth not, knoweth not God. So, since everything on tv is true (‘they’ wouldn’t lie to us, would they??) and since Everybody Loves Raymond, everybody is born of God. Woo hoo!! Take THAT Jesus!

24:00 – THE QUESTION OF THE WEEK!! Oh man, this is good! Well, some dork wants to know if a certain bible passage is referring to America, or Iraq. Well, the bible doesn’t specifically mention names, because, as Jack puts it, who knew that America would be called America?? Umm, hello?? God would know that. Duh. If God could predict the future with all this Revelations crap, then why wouldn’t he know that America would be called America?? Sigh...

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