Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired August 21)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

00:05 – Ooooh, there was a secret conference to set up the final world government!! It’s so secret that Jack and Rexella know about it!

1:41 – John Kerry apparently has trouble controlling his wife Theresa. She told some people to go to hades! (which Jack explains is a polite word for hell. Thanks Jack.) It should probably be pointed out that wives aren't to be controlled, but I imagine that's a concept lost on Jack.

8:00 – It breaks Rexella’s heart when she sees the families who have lost loved ones in Iraq. Oh, that’s sweet. Oh wait, she’s just talking about Americans. Of course it doesn’t break her heart that some already poor Iraqis have lost their families as well. Why would it? "We" didn't do anything wrong, we're fighting the good fight.


1st Thessalonians 4:16-18 says “the dead in Christ shall rise first, then the living shall be caught up with the dead to meet the Lord in the air.” This does NOT mean that you will die, and THEN be taken up, you’ll be taken up while you’re still alive. So if you were concerned about that, ummm...don't be. Actually, when Jack says stuff like this it really makes me, well, sad, because obviously enough people were concerned about it that Jack felt he needed to 'ease their pain'. It's almost as sad as that woman who was upset because she didn't want some heathen taking care of her dog after she gets raptured away.

11:00 – Jack has a message for those who mock the rapture and the 1000 year reign of Christ. News flash Jack, they’re not watching your stupid show. It’s Sunday morning, they’re probably all hung over from a wild night of booze, sex and drugs. Or is that just me? Well, except for the booze, and drugs, and well, sex.

13:58 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! It’s some crap about the future of America. Ha, Rexella says something pretty telling about her family life. She says, “Get this video, get a couple, get one for your child, one for your husband.” I have an idea, why don’t you share it with your husband Rexella?? If you push the twin beds together you can even watch it on the same tv!!

20:00 – Lots of talk about ‘nukes’. This leads to the question, “Are there nuclear weapons in the bible”. Well, since they exist, there must be!!

Second Peter chapter 3 v 10-12 says, "But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night; in the which the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up." Well, I suppose tritium and deuterium are elements (well, isotopes, but whatever) so it's kind of true...

THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! Rexella says she really wants us to have it. Well, then give it to me. If you really wanted me to have it, you wouldn’t be charging me $30. Oooh, Jack says the bible says that there will be an attack on the United States from the North. Not bloody likely.

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