In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it tells you that it's evil and you're going to hell. This week the topic is "The Passion of the Christ".
The Passion of the Christ According to Jack
2:00 - Apparently the Passion will inspire other religious films. Yay!!! Like “The Passion II: The Return of Christ. This time it’s personal. The third day He rose again, and now it’s payback time!! Or a prequel, maybe, “Episode One: The Phantom Manger”.
2:22 – Rexella asks Jack how rightly the film portrayed the gospel. Well Jack? What do you think? It really did Rexella. Mel Gibson had it right.
Jack says that we’re all born twice. Once to your parents, then once to God. (I guess that’s what they mean when they say ‘born again’. Makes sense.)
4:00 - Jack slanders some experts. Jack has over 90000 hours of bible study. That’s an impressive amount Jack. I have about 2, if that, and I'm including that half-hour Simpsons episode where they re-enact some bible stories.
5:25 – Rexella talks about the DaVinci code book. I don’t know what that is, but I’ll have to look it up. Jack says “it’s the biggest piece of trash that has ever been published.” A better recommendation I’ve not heard.
7:00 – Ooooh, an explanation - The DaVinci code book talks about how Jesus came to us and had sex and fathered lots of children with Mary Magdalene…uh oh. This can’t be going in a happy direction for Jack. Well, that’s not in the bible, so it’s a lie. Ok, here's one of Jack's typical whacked out explanations. When Jesus came here to die for the sinners, he couldn’t have Adam’s blood in him because Adam was a sinner. (Well, I think the Virgin Mary had Adam’s blood in her, I think she had to, since all people came from Adam and Eve.) Anyways, the point was that Jesus didn’t have Adam’s blood in him, he was pure, so if he had sex and children with Mary, then all of the children would be gods. And, well, that’s just crazy talk.
15:00 – Jack says, “Filthy dreamers will arise” Uh oh. That can be interpreted a number of ways…
17:20 – Jack talks about a letter written by a reverend “Chuck”. Chuck stated that the idea of Christ dying in our place is not what the bible teaches. That idea only began in the middle ages. Jack wonders where this guy went to school. Then he goes on to read a bunch of passages ‘proving’ that Chuck is wrong. Uh oh, Jack says Chuck is accursed. Big mistake Chuck, big mistake. Who is Chuck? I don’t know, but I like his style.
21:30 - Jack’s about to cry. He’s getting worked up over the abuse poor Jesus took before the crucifixion. He says there’s something that Mel (Gibson) couldn’t show us. Well, after the crucifixion, um, when they dropped the tree (cross) in a hole, and when the tree hit the bottom, every bone in His (Christ's) body was moved out of place and he was elongated. “Mel couldn’t reproduce that”, says Jack. Huh? Of course he could. With special effects nowadays, Mel could have crucified a velociraptor or two up there as well. Why didn’t he, you ask?? We all know that dinosaurs existed back then (more on that later), and if Jurassic Park has taught me anything, it's that the Velociraptor was a killing machine that probably deserved to be crucified.
23:50 - Jack’s prayer. Slow close-up, touching, soothing words. Brilliant. Jack, you’re a genius!!
24:40 - Question of the week!!! It’s about the damn animals in heaven again. This has been the offer of the week for months! We need a new Offer of the Week!!! This one is getting old. Sure, it’s funny and all, but I’m sure there are other things that we need to know. What about my plants? Will they be in heaven? I like my plants, and I’d enjoy it if they came with me. What kind of place would heaven be if there were no tulips? Or roses? Except I guess the roses wouldn’t have any thorns, because they hurt when you touch them, and I imagine that crown of thorns thing probably makes Jesus a little edgy around thorny things. I imagine God banned them.
28:00 – Rexella says God loves us, God cares for us, and Jesus proved it. Yes, he sure did. Bye bye.