Sunday, February 27, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (Aired Feb 5)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Yay! Detroit is having an auto show!! Every 5th person through the door gets bullet holes removed from their car for free!! Rexella says, “I bet you’re wondering why I’m mentioning the auto show.” Well, it’s because the automobile is mentioned in the bible!! I think Matthew (somewhere, I don’t remember the exact passage) talks about Jesus wishing he’d taken a limo to the last supper. In his defense though, I guess he didn’t know that it would be his last supper. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. Jack then goes on about the gas prices. Don’t complain too much, they’re $5 a gallon in Europe. In Iraq though, only 5 cents/gallon! If you go to a self-service station, it’s only 4.9 cents/gallon, but you have to get out of your car.

2:00 - Jack got his drivers license when he was 16. I love Jack’s stories about his childhood. They’re so fucked up, especially the ones about his drunken, abusive born-again father. Anyways, this one starts with Jack wrecking the car, and ends with him praying for the rapture so he can be saved from the wrath of his father. Man, that’s both funny and sad at the same time. I guess Jack didn’t think that his father was going to be raptured as well, or that the beatings wouldn’t continue in the presence of God. He seems to think that God is adverse to violence. I guess he only memorizes some bible passages.

5:00 - Uh oh, Jack’s talking about statistics. He says that the 17 prophecies they’re going to talk about have all come true, and the odds of that happening by chance are about 1 in a gajillion. More concrete evidence that the end is near!

5-27:57 – 22 minutes of crap.

27:58 – Rexella leaves us with this bit of wisdom – “Troubles come from wanting to have your own way and other problems come from being allowed to have it.” I suppose trouble would also come if you tried to stop someone from having their way. This would prevent the trouble that would come from allowing them to have it, but maybe create bigger problems when they kick the crap out of you, and then take it anyways.

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