Sunday, March 28, 2004

Jack Van Impe

Before I start, I want to say that I have nothing against religion. It serves a valuable purpose, and if it makes people comfortable and gives them hope, then I'm all for it. I personally don't find much use for it in my own life. Maybe I will someday, or maybe I'll go to hell like the rest of you.

I watch Jack Van Impe. I think it's hilarious. If you want to watch it, don't worry YOU CAN!!. If you don't have half an hour. I'll summarize it for you.

Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe presents!!!!(aired March 20, 2004)

1:54 – Jack has some nice things to say about his wife and late mother-in-law. It’s sweet.

2:41 – Jack refers to “Everybody Loves Raymond” as “I love Raymond”. Is that a Freudian slip? Does Jack love Raymond? I hope not.

3:00 – Jack tells a joke about mother-in-law. It’s funny. Jack is a funny guy. His forced laughter is as authentic as (insert appropriate reference - you know, something that isn't at all authentic).

3-7 minutes, I am distracted. I don’t care to go back to find out what I missed. Lots of bible quoting, Jesus this, Christ that. Blah, blah…..

7:25 – Rexella (Jack's wife and sidekick) is shocked (gasp!) by death and dying.

8:00 – Rexella marvels at dancing robots (pronounced ‘robut’).

9:00 – Jack says that the earthquakes mean the end of the world is near. He uses scientific terms in speaking about earthquakes and how it refers to Revelations. Does Jack use science in determining the age of the earth? Of course not. Science is evil when it tells you something you don’t want to hear.
Jack is actually excited about the earthquakes. They’re all signs!! The Lord is coming!!

10:37 – Rexella marvels at the heat in Europe. It’s a sign.
Jack uses scientific terms again, like ozone layer to back up his bible passages. "Men were scorched with a great heat". -> The sun is hot. Therefore the end is near. It all flows nicely together. Rexella is fascinated by 'robuts' and ID chips. Jack is concerned about GPS, and microchipping people. Again, it all points to the end. 'Images that look like human beings' equals ‘robots with skin’. Those crazy scientists are at it again.

13:16 – The first mention of the OFFER OF THE WEEK!!!! Will my puppy meet me in heaven??? What does the bible say about this? Donate now and find out!! I don’t know about you, but my long dead cats are long dead. I was sad when I was 6 and they died. I’ve moved on. I don’t really want them with me in heaven.

15:36 – Hilarious cartoon about cloning is shown. It certainly would make police line-ups difficult.(because you wouldn't know which of the clones committed the crime!!)

16:00 - Is cloning in the bible? Cloning is indeed in the bible. Clones are spitting images of people. Images of the false profit are created in Revelation. Therefore cloning is bad.

17:00 - Revelations talks about cloning. Men with horse bodies, hair of women, teeth of lions, it’s all in Revelations. It’s all possible with cloning. Hair of women, teeth of lions, I think I’ve met her….

18:19 – Another hilarious cartoon is shown.

19:45 – Jack talks about sorcery, makes some weird association between some greek term and drugs and links it to the bible.

21:15 – Jack goes on a rant about fornication. Marriage is honourable. God will judge all the heathens who partake in the act of love with anyone who is not their wife or husband!! Corruption = VD. The bible talks about corruption, therefore the bible talks about VD. And of course it's bad.

23:05 – Jack’s bread and butter. An honest and sincere prayer, and it makes me laugh. I wish I was that passionate about something.

23:51 – Question of the Week!!!!! Does one who commits suicide go to heaven? I’d say ‘no’. Jack says ‘yes’. Hebrews 11 verse 32 says that some guy who committed suicide was with the lord. Moral of the story? Go ahead and pull the trigger. Sparky will be waiting for you.

25:30 – OFFER OF THE WEEK!!! There’s a sweet little kitty who watched the show. There are some nauseatingly cute pictures of a little cat praying to Jack. Jack then goes on to say that there’s a parrot that can speak 971 words and that he’s not particularly intelligent, ALL PARROTS can do it!!! I guess most parrots are just lazy and aren't that ambitious. Maybe they all have parrot ADD. Maybe we should give them all a break.
Uh oh, Jack gives us heathens some hope. If some of the people who aren’t saved when they hear the trumpet blow (at the rapture), they can grab onto a dog and get a free ride!!! Oh Jack, you are the living end….

The show ends with Rexella telling us that she cares for us. I’m somewhat comforted by this.

Until next week….

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