Thursday, December 02, 2004

Join millions around the globe!! This is Jack Van Impe presents!! (aired October 2)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Headline #1 “Churches tempt congregants to return”. They gave out stuff like chocolate to get people to come back. Now, I’m no ‘expert’ here, but does the bible not say something about God being a shepherd and leading us not into temptation??? Wouldn’t that mean that if someone was tempted back to the church by chocolate then that would mean there would be more people at church, BUT, they wouldn't have been led there by God? What does this mean? Beats me, but I imagine they’re all going to hell. Don’t these crazy church people understand this stuff?? Well, Jack says candy bars won’t do the job, so at least we agree on something, especially if it’s that Turkish Delight crap. Man, that stuff is gross. If they really wanted more people, they should tempt them with sex, or money. Or sex and money. Or maybe they should just get rid of all that preachy Jesus talk and turn it into a place where you gamble and look at strippers.

10:00 – Rexella marvels at the fact that they have so many articles on the European Union over the last 10 days. Well, I imagine you can find a lot of articles on any sort of crap if you have access to thousands of newspapers. All these newspapers have articles on the EU in common, what else do they have in common? Garfield is not funny in any of them. Garfield is the Turkish Delight of comics. Maybe you liked it when you were a dumb kid, but now you realize that it’s just crap.

22:00 – World War 3 is right on schedule!! I imagine they’ll confirm that it has actually arrived on schedule about 10 minutes after it has started. Of course, they don’t have a date or time of the actual arrival, but it’s coming!! If you don’t have a bomb shelter yet, you'd better get started.

24:00 – The sound died on this stupid thing. Jack’s waving his arms around like an idiot, probably ranting about the final world government and how Jesus is on his way. I hope I’m not missing something good… Ah, who cares, I’m going to watch Jeopardy.

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