Thursday, December 30, 2004

Join Millions Across the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired December 25)

In case you don't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant topics and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

00:01 - Happy Birthday Jesus – Or is it?? (gasp! I love controversy!)

1:50 – Chuck plays the trumpet! I didn’t know that. Whoa, Chuck is standing out in the woods with a trumpet ‘praising Jesus’. Man, that forest has some pretty good sound. Kind of sounds like he’s playing inside and they’ve dubbed it over. (this portion of Jack Van Impe Presents has been brought to you by the Ashlee Simpson show)

8:00 – The Belles of Saint Mary’s. Whoa. Apparently the St. Thomas Church of the Episcopal faith has these women called the “Belles of Saint Mary’s” sitting in church NAKED and then they ascend a ladder to heaven NAKED and then sell the pictures. Well, I have to Google this. Yikes, they’re all old. Anyways, they use the money to fund breast cancer research, but still, don’t they know what the bible says?? Well, I don’t specifically, but God hates nudity (probably because He Himself has a small penis, but that’s purely conjecture. I don’t think there are any bible passages that specifically mention the size of Jesus’ schlong. I just searched this online bible for “hung like a mule” but came up empty.)

12:00 – Jack comments on some whackos who don’t believe there could be a virgin birth. He proves it’s possible by saying that if modern scientists can clone stuff from a single cell without performing dirty vulgar acts, then of course God can knock up some poor woman without sex. Personally, I think Mary got a raw deal. I imagine that sex with God would be quite the experience, unless that small penis thing is true.

19:00 – Rexella is holding a puppy! It’s soooo cute. Now they’re showing some clip of when Rexella visited the holy land and sang some song about praising the Lord. You really have to watch this part. Man, it’s crap, and that dude behind her doesn't look too impressed, he's probably wishing he had some explosives strapped to himself.

25:40 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK!! It’s Jack’s Prophesy Bible!! (it’s a little electronic organizer in case you didn't know) How can you possibly fit so much information inside something so small?? Science! Science is wonderful when you’re trying to fit a bunch of bible prophesy/useless crap into something you can carry around in your pocket. It’s not so useful, however, when you’re trying to prove that all that stuff inside that little piece of electronics is true.

28:00 - Rexella leaves us with this: The greatest gift of all was laid in a manger. It sure was, Rexella, it sure was.

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