Monday, September 19, 2005

Join Millions Across the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired Sept 10)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:15 – Uh oh. Jack may be sick! They’re getting letters expressing people’s concern.

He had a blood infection that could have been fatal. Jack thinks it was Satan. I do too. Anyways, he had to wake up Rexella (by walking across the room to her bed, no doubt) so that she could take him to the hospital. He was spasming and not making any sense. (Umm, quick question, isn’t he like that every week??) Anyways, it's not like me to make light of a serious topic like death, so let's get right to making fun of Jesus.

7:00 – Woo hoo! It’s hurricane talk! Did you know there was one?? Apparently it hit New Orleans! Rexella says that the number one thing we can do is pray. That’s right, don’t bother with the money, just pray. Nothing sucks the water out of New Orleans faster than prayer. Maybe if those poor people had prayed (like the rich white people obviously did) they wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

13:52 – Whoa. Rexella asks the million dollar question. “Is the hurricane a sign pointing towards the return of Christ?”


“YES!” (I didn’t see that coming)

Jack then spews the same crap that he spewed after the tsunami. (that’s right the tsunami. Has anyone checked recently to see if they still need any help over there?? Didn’t think so.)

15:30 – THE OFFER OF THE WEEK! It’s brand new! It’s called ‘The Big 10”. Rexella says it was made for me, and it’s “dynamite”. It’s about telling people who think they’re going to heaven that they’re really going to hell. He says that there are people who mock the virgin birth and even those who mock the rapture. (Hmmmm, maybe they really did make it for me.)

17:00 – Rexella talks about prophesies in Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. That reminds me of what my grandfather used to say, “Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, hold the donkey while I get on.” We kids would laugh and laugh, and then repeat it, and then Mom would get mad because it’s not appropriate talk for church. In retrospect, maybe Mom was right.

19:51 – Hey the video cut out on me! Stupid internet. I blame Satan, or Jesus, or maybe Bell Sympatico. Fuckers.

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