Saturday, September 10, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired September 3)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – No mention of the hurricane yet. I’m both confused and disillusioned. Maybe I don’t understand Jack like I think I do. Oh, it’s dated Sept. 3. Nevermind.

2:00 – Rexella says she likes the Amish lifestyle, which prompts Jack to tell an Amish joke! A father and a son take their cart into the big city.

“What’s that?” asks the son.

“Well”, says the father, “that’s a mall”.

Because they’re both curious (and for the joke to work) they both decide to go check out the mall. They walk in and they see an elevator.

“What’s that?” says the boy.

“I don’t know!” replied the father.

Anyways, an old lady steps into the elevator (we’re talking, like really, really old, and wrinkly, probably has a walker and still drives because she likes the freedom it provides) and the doors close, the numbers go up, then they go back down. The doors open and out walks a gorgeous 21 year old brunette.

“Quick!” exclaims the father, “Let’s go get your Mom”.

Amish people wouldn’t use a modern babe making machine though, so this joke doesn’t make any sense. Unless it was powered by a horse and some wooden levers. In that case it would be kind of funny.

4:00 – Now, to relate this to ‘real life’, Jack says that after we’re raptured (or I’m raptured, I imagine you’re all a bunch of sinners, so have fun in hell) our bodies are changed into a body just like the Lord’s. So ladies, if you’re thinking about a little ‘nip and tuck’, I’d recommend you save your money. God’s plastic surgery is free - the only downside is that he changes you into a middle-aged, bearded carpenter.

11:00 – Jack goes on a rampage about churches that try to liven things up with jazz and ‘fun’. He then says that fornication, one night stands, oral sex and the like are inundating our churches! Ummm, that’s not a chuch Jack, it’s a whorehouse. And that’s not a female parishioner you’ve been talking to, it’s a dirty whore.

18:36 – Proverbs 23 v20 says “be not among wine drinkers”. This confuses me, because, correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Jesus have wine at the last supper? I think he did, that bloody, vile sinner. No wonder we crucified him, he’s one of those “wine drinkers”.

20:00 – Jack freaks out about sex. Apparently one in five 14 years olds have had oral sex. About the same want to have it in the next 6 months and it’s all Bill Clinton’s fault. Actually, I don’t think it is Bill Clinton’s fault. It’s been about 7 years since the Clinton incident, so I can’t imagine they’ve been waiting since they were 7 to have oral sex. Personally, I blame Britney Spears, and rap music. And video games, nothing makes me crave the oral sex like a rousing game of NHL 2004.

Anyways, that’s it. No hurricane talk, I guess we’ll save that for next week.

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